29 things I Learned in my 20s, part two

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And now a continuation of last week’s post with some of the life lessons I’ve picked up along this bumpy road known as my twenties:

13 If you do have the horrible realization as your head hits the pillow at home after that particularly offensive walk of shame that your magical turquoise ring with the chipped stone is not on your finger and is, in fact, on slimy douchbag’s table, wait a few hours before dragging your sorry ass back there. Buzz random apartments until the building super-intendant lets you in, bat your eyelashes and plead your case for being escorted to their door. Ignore the giant loogie you left on it as you stormed out in the wee hours. You will feel like a complete and total fool, but it’ll be worth it to get the ring back.

14 When measuring spices from a package, particularly hot ones like cayenne pepper, sprinkle them into the palm of your hand instead of straight into the dish.

15 Ask for what you want to happen, not for what you don’t want to happen. The universe doesn’t always pick up on the nuances of a “not.” This sounds astonishingly simple, but it wasn’t until I made a more conscious effort to think in the positive that I realized how often I asked for things not to happen.

16 Never try to out-drink (or even keep pace with) an East coaster, especially a Newfie!

17 Contrary to popular belief, the best way to get over someone is not by getting under someone…

18 This one is verbatim from my 2004 diary, and it resounds equally as or perhaps even more true today than ever: “not all people view sex as liberally and casually as you do and if they can’t handle that, that’s their fault, not yours.”

19 Knitting is a very good way to relieve stress.

20 Stop buying more books until you read all the ones you already have

21 Music sounds better on vinyl

22 It’s so much easier to have a good relationship with your parents when you’re not living under their roof any more.

23 Taking your clothes off on stage is such a slippery slope. A nipple here, a flash of thigh there and soon and next thing you know you’re, and I use my Mom’s wording here, “prancing around on stage with your kitty hanging out.” It’s one of the most liberating, thrilling and empowering things I’ve experienced, and I can’t wait to do it again.

24 Be wary of a partner who showers you with compliments and superlatives when you first start dating. They may be building you up just to tear you down.

25-   No amount of conditioning can change the fact that I am not a morning person. I will pretty much always dread having to get out of bed before 10am. Deal with it. Some mornings I have to bribe myself out the door with the promise of coffee and muffins.

26- I will never be able to have a career in politics. There are just way too many scandalous photos of me out there.

27 – The generic version of the morning after pill will not make you as nauseous as the pharmacist insists it will. With savings in the neighborhood of 30 bucks, she offered it to me with trepidation, repeating many times that it would make me very nauseous. “Nowhere near as nauseous as this hangover is,” I snapped back. No wonder she gave me the stink eye.   On a slightly related topic, you’re really lucky that in 10+ years of, admittedly at times, questionable sexual practices, you only ended up with the Clap once and nothing else. Always wrap it up with people you don’t know, it only takes one time to change the course of your life forever.

28 – Having a laptop in bed can be one of your greatest sexual resources.   Then again, nothing beats an adventurous lover who shows up bearing gifts and flaunting websites with every animated position you can imagine.

29- 30 is the new 20… or just keep telling yourself that. I guess this means you’ll have 39 things to look forward to learning in your thirties.

One comment

  • well done lady! I especially agree with the lesson of dating really flattering guys. It truly does lead to disappointment. I could add on a positive note:
    Asking positively for what you want, may not give you new revelations, you may not acquire any objects or success, it may very well point out what you already have, its just brand new again:) so my advice, be very thankful for what you all have right now.

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