Afraid to Fall

The main problem with my life is that I am afraid of falling. I used to jump off of swings and fly through the air. Now I ride a tricycle so I don’t fall off of it.

I only regret the things I haven’t climbed. I know I have missed out on beautiful views because I didn’t have the guts to grab them. I’ve never done a cartwheel. I didn’t have the guts to grab a lot of things.

I never blame the people who “broke my heart” because it was never them who broke it, it was me. I wasn’t ready, I was afraid to fall. Then I would see them with their new happiness. I thought I wanted that, I can do better.

afraid cyclistI was supposed to finish this blog last night but I went to the beach instead. I lived my life instead of moping in my head. Sweating in my bed. Spent time with friends. I got in the fucking van. I don’t need any man. I can!

But, I still want you, I want you so bad, I want what I am not, I need what I just can’t have, someone else’s sweet reality is my dark fantasy, what lengths is a person willing to take to get what they think they need?

She’s got it, how’d she do it? I want that! No, I can’t. The big green monster lurking through the shadows and fully lit spaces and sometimes even in your wallet. You can’t always get what you want, especially instantly.

Money doesn’t equal success in the same way fame does not equal happiness. Fortune is in moments of discovery and kindness. Life is magic but there is also required work. Nothing is lounging on a silver platter.

Being greedy and selfish is a social atomic bomb. Stop being a spoiled white girl, a life full of privilege and decadence. You need to fight fear and ignorance with self actualization and solidarity. Nobody is your entire world but you. How do you shape your own reality?

For one I know I can be a big fat only child Amurican hippocrit. It’s ok for me to have desires and no expectations when it comes to a relationship but as soon as I see my “other” with someone else I lose my damn mind. At the end of the day it all boils down to my lack of self worth and confidence. Whenever I find someone with even the least amount of interest in me I latch on clinger status, I yearn to be loved.

Where does this entitlement comes from? Maybe because I have been “pretty” my entire life, I just get what I want before I even know I wanted it. I was always fawned over with sweet decadence, something about being a little child of the corn blonde girl that really breaks all the hearts, or at least temporarily melts them with my piercing baby blues.

Its so funny when people say I am so intimidating that they couldn’t even talk to me let alone be my friend or get to know me. Because I do burlesque and hold my head up high it is assumed that my bad assitude is real. I am really much more simple than that. Wind gusting under my torn patchwork skirt, justifying my existence. Freedom, jealous of no one. Right On!

The only true way to get the one you want is to give them space when they need it, smothering gets you nowhere fast, believe me I’ve done it.

There is no magic formula for the perfect relationship. Life is like the seasons, we need to have the change, the snow is as important as the sun, the draught as important as the rain. It makes us stronger and more well rounded. Happiness and sadness, love and loneliness, acceptance and rejection. It’s important to embrace the strange complexities of our modern world.

Relationships are so different. Nothing is cut and dry, or sorry, forever… Labeling is hard. Polyamory is different from the free love movement because there is structure. Primary and secondary lovers combine to shape your dating topography. Different vocabulary.

Lonely but never alone if you love yourself. Don’t invest everything in nothing, you deserve respect. I have loved people so hard for so long and never said anything because I didn’t feel like I was worthy of them. Then after all of my silent pining, someone swoops. By taking control she got what we both wanted. She gets to travel the world as his girl.

riding trike

Unhappiness, trapped in a world you don’t fit into. There is a young couple on my street that has a child their car is all full of baby stuff and has a bumpersticker that reads “I’d rather be stage diving.”

I am NOT jealous of that life. That bumper sticker says so much. “I’d rather be ______(insert passion here)” is so depressing. My dad’s friend just got married and had his first baby in his late 50s. That’s happiness.

When I was a little girl I would love to play wedding and marry all the boys in the neighborhood. Then I would make my Barbie dolls have the most lesbian sex ever.

As I grow up I realize that I want it all, but fear has me pinned. If I only had gears and less emotional weight in my basket, I’d go faster.

At the end of the day, I am still afraid to fall. To fall of a bike, to fall in love, to fall off a mountain, to fall down the stairs. I need to rise above irrational fears and take more chances, get in more vans, and go on more adventures.

Traveling through California was a step, I need to do more of that. I can’t pine over people who don’t want me. Actively seek people who do want me, actually no, fuck that, stop seeking anybody and those who are worth it will withstand my silliness and be standing by my side when I need them to be.

Stop being so patient and grab it, time is of the essence. You are worth the risk. There are worse things than falling. You will always get back up and scraped knees are sexy.

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