To our valued customers,
We at Crazy Jerry’s Used Cars and Trucks would like to offer our most sincere apologies. Many of you were offended by our ad campaign which ran in newspapers, on bus benches, and on local television stations. It was brought to our attention that there were several insensitive statements made within the campaign, and we are working our hardest to find out how these were allowed to be used, and seeing to it that the responsible parties are suitably reprimanded.
First of all, the claim that our prices on used Kias would make you think that we’re “actually retarded” was in bad judgement, and understandably angered many mental health groups in the community. We would like to make it clear that we did not set out with the intention to offend anyone, least of all any of our customers with disabilities.
We regret any offence, and would like to remind everyone that despite this lapse in professionalism, our extensive selection of used Kias are priced so low that one might make the assumption that whomever set the amounts suffers from some kind of severe brain malady.
Next, we realize our assurance that our stock of used 2006 Nissan Altimas are so well-built and maintained that “even a woman could drive them” was out of line, and we deeply regret that it was allowed to be published. We are fully aware that many women in fact drive cars on a regular basis, and a great deal of them are just as capable as men. Several may even be more capable.
We value the continued business of all our female customers, and would like to remind them that, despite the unfortunate slogan, we are company that is built on equality, and we have the utmost respect for women. Some of our hardest working employees, including our receptionist Suzy, are women. And so, as a gesture of good-faith, for the next month the purchase of any 2006 Nissan Altima will come with a complimentary set of high-quality cookware.
Now, with respect to the claim that our array of foreign-made models will have you “seeing so many Krauts and Japs you’ll think it’s goddamned World War II all over again,” we once again apologize for the gaffe. Frankly, it’s shocking that this kind of language could ever have slipped past us. There is no excuse for this at all, but we do maintain that our selection of used Volkswagen and Toyota models is the largest in the province. Come see for yourself.
Another unfortunate choice of wording was our guarantee that we have “more deals on used Pontiac Azteks than cocks your mother can fit in her whore mouth at once.” It goes without saying that this is not only inexcusable, but impossible to verify.
While we have had many pleasant and successful business relations with a great deal of our customers’ mothers, what they may or may not do in the privacy of their homes is none of our concern. It should also go without saying that our deals on used Pontiac Aztecs are quite plentiful. Come on in and test drive one today!
Finally, we regret terribly our decision to include the statement that “if you pass up deals like this, you’re a shit-eating piece of human garbage who should’ve been aborted so your stem cells could’ve been used to cure the cancer of someone with big enough balls to put a down payment on a fucking Ford Focus, you brain-dead cunt.”
Though this was utterly unacceptable, we remain confident in our deals on Ford and other great makes of vehicle, and think it would be foolish of you to miss the opportunity to take advantage of those deals just because of a little insensitive language. To be honest, we here at Crazy Jerry’s Used Cars and Trucks think maybe you should just grow up a bit, stop whining, and just buy a damn car already.
Jesus. We’ll hold your hand if you need us to. Change your goddamned diaper.
“Crazy” Jerry “Arab Hatin’” Chesterson
Photo by Mark Coggins via Flickr