Death and Donuts: Savor the Small Moments

Facebook graveyard got me down today…

Fuck, I keep inviting Tim to events
I always did before because I knew he would be there
Wet dreamland with that military s&m hat and sunglasses
Carebear onesie or cats in space

I have a hard time grasping that he is gone
doesn’t make sense
a world without Blue Lazer
is a strange sad place

A place of mystery

Where we are all connected

I coughed at the same time as the woman across the street
splashing in snow puddles like a little kid
Reminder:
take more walks
meet more cool dogs
smile at people
small acts of love count

Today i saw a man that I shared a donut with
it was vegan gluten free
Donuts
sweet wheels of bliss, sugar packed confection perfection
Sprinkles, frosting, cake, with a winking hole in the middle
or filled to capacity with something creamy or stickily sweet treat.
Get it all over your fingers and lick it off,
can’t miss one delectable bite.
Diabetic nightmare but the rest of us just don’t care.
Sweet sex in your mouth.

I brought them to my friend the Ice Dragon
we were supposed to have an art day at sewing souls
but we were locked out
Our friend was supposed to let us in
but did not show
we wondered what happened

Now I know it was because Tim was already dead
he was in there alone
where did he go?
family worried and plotting his saving grace
Never again will we hear that voice
or see that smiling face

We sat outside in the snow and ate donuts together
new friends on a cold day with snow floating down
this man was supposed to fix a door
get back his saw
do a job
instead we bonded

While our sweet friend had already departed

It’s been weeks now, and I am not the same.

Today I was walking back from getting lunch with my partner
hot bar
cabbage rolls like my polish grammy made – just vegan this time
I needed to walk
feel the air and earth

He said “HEY” and I turned and smiled
“Do I know you from the parade or something? Cat right?”
YES WE ATE DONUTS TOGETHER – I exclaimed
He said “Yea, that made my day”

I remember him not accepting at first
like it would come with a consequence
friendship and compassion
and vegan gluten free donuts
should come with no strings attached

No hidden agenda
love loud and with everyone
give
give more
share
care bears onesies
kittens with pizza in space
I will never forget his face

Timfringement power
Rest in peace dear Tim, your story is in the stars now
(Up there talking science with Stephen Hawking)

Death is an eye opening part of life that we all have to live with. It’s especially hard when people who are young get taken from us.

We need to take time to enjoy every single moment. That means each breath is beautiful, give thanks for your body functions, each fart is brilliant, every toe stub or paper cut reminding you of your humanity. Spend less time on your phone and more time talking to people. Addiction takes no prisoners, it only kills.

I saw a sea gull that had been hit by a car. A life torn to crimson shattered shreds. Blood and white feathers spread on the highway. It saw the highest points of the sky. Soared through sunsets. Then dipped too deep on that fateful street.

I remember my dad scaring seagulls in an empty parking lot. It seemed you could never ever hit them, they were so fast and mighty. Nothing is indestructible. The Titanic is that lesson, everything can be sunk if the iceberg is big enough. Like icebergs, mental illness and depression just show a small tip to the world but delve deep into the depths of a person’s being.

Someday we all will die. I don’t want to think about a world without you, yeah you! Death shows no mercy and takes even the young, the good people, the kind hearted, the ones who only make things better and ask for nothing in return.

Sometimes in life we get so caught up in our own disasters that we don’t take the time to tell people they are important to us. Reaching out just to say “Hey, you came across my thoughts today, you fucking matter to me.”

Tim Sentman was light, he was funny, like really funny, and cared about all of us. He came to the shows, he supported us all, and he was damn good. A space kitten serving pizza with lasers and electronic music.

Creative geniuses are hard to come by, and sadly they often do not even recognize their own worth. When someone dies young we all grieve out loud, how could we miss the signs? How could we have stepped up to help? How could we have changed the outcome. Let’s all just take time to focus on more than just ourselves.

The winter is so daunting. I was so happy and relieved that the spring equinox happened. Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel.

We lack vitamin D and oxygen in our depleted brains. The tiny birds have been miserable, the spring buds stunted, this unrelenting snow has buried us all in despair.

Being sad comes natural when we are all so inertly isolated. I feel like society pushes us toward technology and censors our real ability to interact with others. There is spontaneity that is lost in translation and we forget those who are right in front of us, suffering or not.

We get so wrapped up in our own crap that we forget simple compassion. So much time is spent waiting and wondering if we will ever find true love.

I know that this need for touch and reassurance is a huge cause of depression and anxiety. We need to give out hugs and compliments more freely, reach out to those who seem to fade out and drop off our radar. Love loud and often. Do it for the homies who are now angels and the friends who are still here broken but not forgotten.

* Featured image by lucianvenutian via Wikimedia Commons

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