Guide to Holiday Getting it On

drunk santa

Maybe it’s just the egg nog talking, but this time of year sure makes me feel like snuggling up with someone beside a crackling yuletide fire. Tis the season to be naughty, especially when there are so many opportunities for indulging holiday horniness.

At the Christmas Party

The chance for office party romance is significantly higher when excessive amounts of alcohol are thrown into the mix and who doesn’t love drinking on the boss’ dime? A whopping 31% Brits fessed up to sleeping with a co-worker after the staff Christmas party, while a full half admitted they made a fool out of themselves.

Unleashed from the shackles of the workplace, these kinds of hook ups are inevitable; so if you’re going to do it, do it right. The night before the party, make a ‘yes or no’ list of all the eligible candidates. Do not bring that list to the party and do not depart from it, no matter how many glasses of champagne find their way to your lips.

No matter how tempting it may seem to spread your legs across your boss’ luscious mahogany desk, don’t do it in the office. There’s a much higher chance of getting busted (and fired faster than you can say “I Came Upon a Midnight Clear”) or having your escapades wind up on OfficePartySheananigans.com.

work christmas party hookup

At Your Parent’s House

Perhaps you’re bringing your sweetheart home for the holidays, subjecting them to a week on the lumpy pull-out couch and the tedium of trying to keep all your cousins and their respective families straight. When you do finally escape for a tender moment together, how do you make sure to keep it under wraps?

First off, do some sound tests together when your folks are out of the house. Stand in your room while you send him to theirs and make a few noises of varying decibel levels to see how far the sound travels. If the bed is too squeaky, try the floor. Make sure you have plenty of pillows on hand to muffle the squeals you just can’t hold in.

Bonus points if you sneak in a quickie under the tree when everyone else is nestled all snug in their beds. They get their vision of sugarplums and you get to let the scent of pine fulfill all your woodland winter fantasies. But be careful not to break any of the glass ornaments!

With Old Friends

Boxing Day is always, hands down, the best night out at the bar during the holidays.  You get to celebrate with everyone finally escaping from days of family and overeating. Former crushes and acquaintances you’d like to get to know better smile at you and before you know it, you’re necking in a corner like teenagers.

Hooking up in your hometown can be a liberating and fulfilling experience, especially when carried out correctly. The smaller the town, the faster the gossip travels – so watch out when hooking up with former flings or your high school best friend’s exes.

If you’re bringing them back to your place, make sure to clear all the embarrassing artifacts of your youth from your bedroom before going out. If you end up at their place, don’t overstay your welcome in the morning. We’re all a little too old for a morning walk of shame that involves slinking past someone’s parents so plan your exit route accordingly.

Picture credit: omega-level.net

 

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