Johnny Scott: How to succeed on a first date

wine

Gentlemen, I’m about to give you some awesome dating advice. That’s right. Do you ever sit back and contemplate your many romantic and sexual conquests? Of course you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be reading an article called “How To Succeed On A First Date”.

Am I qualified to dole out tips on a first date? Let’s just say that I’ve been on a LOT of them. I’m going to presume that you’ve gotten as far as getting a lady to agree to a date. If you can’t get that far on your own, there’s probably not any hope for you at all, and you should stop reading and consider hired companionship.

So, if you’re still with me, you’ve by now gotten that cute checkout girl from the grocery store or that receptionist from the front desk at work you always stare at to agree to a date. What next? Chances are you’ve put so much planning and effort into working up the chutzpah to ask her out that you didn’t even think about what would happen if she said yes. This is where I step in.

First off, don’t offer to pick her up. Arrange to meet somewhere. Offering to pick her up smacks of desperation, and besides, today’s modern woman likes to exercise her newly attained legal right to operate a motor vehicle. A restaurant is a great place to go for a first date, ideally a restaurant you are familiar with, so you know the food will be up to a certain standard. Fact: Girls eat bad food, they think bad date. Like as if you cooked it or something (sheesh). Show up exactly ten minutes late. That way she’ll know you must be a very important and popular guy. Don’t be later than ten minutes, though, because that’s just rude.

A lot of guys make the mistake of bringing flowers. That’s a blunder. Try this for guaranteed results: Instead of a bouquet of flowers, a sticky bun. This is airtight. Just one, not one of those packages of six or something. She may demur, but be insistent. Have her eat the entire thing in front of you. If you get hassled by a server for bringing outside food into the restaurant, start a fight. If there’s one thing girls love, it’s a man who is willing to go to extreme, violent lengths with little provocation. If it’s a waiter, punch him. Don’t punch a waitress, though, because that’s just rude.

Preliminaries out of the way, it’s time to order. This is a crucial point in the date. Make the wrong move, and BAM you’re eating cold Mediterranean chicken in your undies watching the Showcase Revue. Wine is first on the agenda. Be prepared to spend an awful lot of money, because if there’s one thing behavioural science has taught us it’s that women are only attracted to wealthy men. So you have to act like a regular Waldorf P. Rockefeller, and spend to match. Order the most expensive wine on the list, lean back, nibble on your fingernail for just a second and then flick your fingers to the side ever so casually, like you order this shit all the time. It’s essential that you order her food for her. Girls like a take-charge guy who’ll make decisions without regard for the preferences of others. She might object, but insist. And, come on, order hers first, not yours, because that’s just rude.

It’s important to dazzle her with your conversational skills. Talk at great length about your job and your pets. Drop casual but unmistakable hints about how much money you make. Did you meet Hulk Hogan on a plane ride to Tennessee once? Talk about that. It’s pretty simple. Don’t get too hung up about the occasional lull in the conversation. It’s natural that there will be pauses. Take advantage of these by seductively swirling your wine with your finger and slowly raising one eyebrow. This is iron-clad. Make sure you listen to the stuff she says too, and nod, because not listening is just rude.

Pass on dessert. You’re not made of cash.

After dinner suggest going somewhere for drinks. If you’ve followed my steps so far, there’ll be no question she’ll feel like a few cocktails. Go to a bar where you’re known and liked, but not TOO known and liked. You don’t want her to know you’re an alcoholic. Just like with dinner, order her drink for her before she gets a chance. You can’t go wrong with something vodka-based and citrusy. This is failsafe. Bonus points if you get something with a little umbrella or one of those cool tiny plastic swords through a piece of fruit. Make sure what you order for yourself is suitably manly. Like rye or an OV or something. It’s getting late in the evening now and you want her to be assured that you’re no slouch in the arena of manhood. Dance the fine line between drunkenness and filthy drunkenness. It’s a good time now to let the conversation get a little bit risqué. Don’t push it too hard, but slip in a double entendre here and there. Start using French words, like risqué and entendre. Don’t talk about how big your dick is, because that’s just rude.

You’ve basically hit all the right notes at this point and you’re home free. Before you both get too drunk to stand, walk her home. This is both romantic and saves you cab fare. Make grand statements comparing her beauty to that of the moon in the starry sky, or, like, a river or something, if there’s a river there. Lay it on thick, because you’re approaching the crux of the entire first date: her front door. When you get to the front door of her apartment building, assure her that you had a great time and that you’d like to see her again. Don’t be rude and suggest that you come in, but rather just lean in for a nice kiss like you’re a gentleman and that a nice kiss would be the perfect cap on a beautiful evening. This should pretty much ensure that the floodgates burst open and she’ll invite you in. And, while I have many tantalizing tips for the art of sexing, I will leave you to your own devices now. For you’ve made the transition from lowly squire to mighty knight in the realm of love. Go forth and conquer, brave sir. And text me what it looks like in a girl’s apartment. I imagine there’s ponies and stuff?

*Photo by jenny downing via Flickr (under a CC license).

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