Johnny Scott Will Get You Dates

school of fish

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Writing articles for free on the internet doesn’t pay very much. And I’ve got expenses. I’ve got rent and groceries to consider, a cat to feed, a Thai “girlfriend” who doesn’t come cheap. So I’ve got to make my money somehow.

I can’t get what you would call a conventional job for a host of reasons including, but not limited to, my cripplingly stunted personality, a class action paternity lawsuit and my Phantom of the Opera-esque proclivity to be very dramatic about the masks I wear to obscure my terribly disfigured face. Also the “employees must wash hands” policy flies directly in the face of my personal philosophy.

So, what to do for funds then? Well, luckily for me and for you, I’ve stumbled into something that’s turned out to be quite the racket. I will, put simply, and for a price, get you a date. Or several dates. I’ve got a quite lucrative business writing and editing people’s online dating profiles. Whether you’re starting one from scratch or you’ve got one that’s just shitty, I step in and make one that sparkles.

Online dating has begun to emerge from the stigma that was once attached to it and is no longer just the realm of total freaks and weirdos who can’t function properly in regular society — now even mild freaks and weirdos who can marginally function in regular society are using it. It’s just that most of them write profiles that would make a prison inmate with no chance of parole cringe on Conjugal Visit Tuesday.

So, as a writer of no small talent and a liar of sterling calibre, if you were to send me a link to your wilted dandelion of a profile and your password, I would be able to metamorphose it into a dazzling forget-me-not that will have potential mates all but knocking down the door of your mud hut or whatever weird dwelling you crawl into at night.

If you fancy yourself a bit of a whiz in the kitchen, why settle for “good cook” when you could have “a mage of baked delights and wonders seared to heaven and back that will leave your knees shaking and your quivering sex glistening with want for ingression?” If that doesn’t tighten some trousers then I’ll give you your money back! Well, I won’t actually give you any money back, it’s already spent on scotch and cigarettes, but my point stands.

Do you have some kind of weird hairless dog that you really love or something? Well, what better way to say so than along the lines of “adorer of the absurd and unusual, I find intense beauty in the most unlikely of places” you freak? I’ll take all your boring hobbies and interests and make them sound engaging and sexy.

“If you build me up with your handsome lies and exaggerations, what happens when I show up to the date and I’m not what they’re expecting?” you may be asking. Well, don’t. I said I could get you a date, after that it’s up to you. That’s what alcohol is for. However, there is an added bonus if you use my services, that the more people who do, the more chance that you’ll be matched up with someone  else_ whom I’ve written a glowing profile for. And I’ve seen the results from that level of mutual disappointment. It always leads down a depressing path to awkward car or park bench oral sex. And that’s the whole goal of online dating.

All this verbose romancing will come at a price of course, but a measly $1.00 per word is a trifle when you consider the thundering din that will be aroused in the hearts of your soon-to-be dates, the towering monuments to desire that will erupt in the pants of your male suitors or the sloshing slumgullion that stews in the drawers of the ladies you crave. And in the unlikely event that I am unable to wheel and deal your heart away figuratively to the most apt candidate, would you consider parting with it literally? I also run a lucrative online organ selling business.

Photo by Tom Weilenmann via Flickr

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