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I remember when we were able to watch Super Bowl commercials in Canada. It was a good time. A time of great things. A time where peace and prosperity ruled throughout the kingdom of Canada. A time where things such as the UBB didn’t exist. And a time where the country wasn’t on the brink of war. It was glorious. It was… golden.

…Golden.

Fuck the CRTC.

Fuck you guys. Really. Fuck you guys in the fucking ass, through your face and into next week. Fuck you guys to hell, through Satan’s bliss, and into the unknown. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus fuck. Who would have thought, of all things, commercials, could drive me this far off the edge. Allow me to explain.

No one watches the Super Bowl for the game. No one. If anything, it’s a side-attraction to the best thing ever: commercials. But no! Some retarded, sex orgy of a radio and television broadcast clusterfuck decided to allow shit like CTV to broadcast the game and give us Canadian ads. Who? You ask. Who? Well, the CRTC, of course. Crazy retarded tasteless bastards. You hear that? Tasteless bastards. Tasteless. Fuck off.

This post may contain a lot of harsh language directed at the idiots of the CRTC, but it’s well deserved. Half the reason I don’t even listen to the radio anymore is because there’s an overdose of Canadian content. Let me tell it how it is.

With *very* few exceptions, the amount of marketable Canadian bands is slimmer than an anorexic with colon cancer. The bands that people know of, who are Canadian, suck worse than receiving oral sex from a goddamn cactus with a hole in it. With the exceptions of Tea Party, Into Eternity, Threat Signal, Rush, and a few more who I don’t have the time to name, the Canadian content on the radio is overloaded with a crisis coma-fucking shitload of Nickelbacks and Biebers. And that is not cool.

Point is, Canada’s population is that of ONE U.S. State. ONE. And we fucking see ads for Tim Hortons and Canadian Tire every single fucking day. I don’t need to be reminded of some caramel coffee mocha at Tim Hortons, because I pass OVER 9000 Tim Hortons on my way to school, work, the gym, Tim Hortons, EB Games, Blockbuster and Church EVERY SINGLE DAY. Okay, that last one was a lie. But you know what I mean. Point is, CRTC, if hell wasn’t already populated by people who go on Chat Roulette, then I would say you all need to go to hell. But since that place is full, allow me to change course.

So, CRTC, go climb up Pauline Marois’ ass and lay some eggs in there so that something more disgusting than you can exist in this world.

It just makes me so sick in the head thinking of how good the Super Bowl could have been if it weren’t for the CRTC. Think of the commercials. The money that goes into them. Think about what we’re missing there. Think about all the awesomeness that spills to the floor. Think of all the epic that would be licked dry, giving none of it to us Canadians. Why? Because the CRTC is so retarded. I can understand not giving commercials when a Canadian channel is broadcasting the same thing as an American one. Of course. But not for the fucking Super Bowl. Not for something like this.

Is it really that hard to understand? If it is, then you have SERIOUS fucking problems. Serious. The internet is serious business and so is this complaint. I want a full apology written by the CRTC to the Canadian citizens, explaining how they are sorry for depriving us of what we hold dear aside from Tim Hortons coffee, Beer, and… wait, I just got Deja Vu. Never mind, it’s gone. Can’t you see, CRTC? Can’t you see? You’re the embodiment of everything I hate. Everything I want to destroy. Everything I want to eliminate from the face of the Earth.

In closing, while no one supports usage-based billing. No one appreciates not being able to see actual Super Bowl commercials. Not so much equally. But it makes me want to rip your fucking heart out and bite into it, tasting the infection for myself. Fuck you.

Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, this is what I listened to while writing this:

May the force be with us all.

Also read Jerry’s take on the Superbowl & CRTC

Mike Gwilliam brings you up-to-date reviews, previews and news about video games, the internet, and technology. He's bold, out-spoken and pulls no punches. If you ever had a reason to trust someone's opinion on a video game, Mike Gwilliam will tell it how it is. Whether it's a masterpiece, overrated, or just downright sucks, Mike will let you know. His favourite games range from Star Craft, Final Fantasy VII, Grand Theft Auto, and Skyrim to Zelda, Max Payne, God of War, Uncharted and Batman: Arkham Asylum. In addition to game reviews, he'll also preview upcoming TV series and special gaming events such as E3, which, he'll be going to in 2012.

Mike Gwilliam

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