How To Get Away With Saying Anything? Political Correctness’s Loophole
Just what kind of person can get away with saying whatever comes to mind? What kind of man or human can say the single darkest, unholy, controversial, racist, and vulgar sentence imaginable and still get his or her friends, family and neighbours to turn the other cheek? What kind of person can attain diplomatic immunity, without filing any paper work? What kind of person is literally untouchable? And no, I’m not referring to the dude responsible for Wikileaks. Allow me to perform a character sketch:
Name: Harold Oswaldo Emo
Initials aside, this name alone is not the kind of thing you want on your birth certificate. No one names their child Harold anymore, and most of the people in the world who actually have Harold as their first name were probably born before Harold and Kumar. Oswaldo is just the cream in-between these two stale Oreo cookie pieces. It’s obscurity alone may be a turn-on to some people, but considering Waldo follows the Os, that sudden turn-on, may just turn into a roll of the eyes and a shrug of the shoulders. Emo, I’ll admit, I found while looking up surnames. Emo has got to be one of the worst last names someone can have. They’d never hire you to work in a kitchen, because of all the knives, and rest assured, no restaurant wants blood in people’s food. Well, most restaurants anyway. But restaurants who allow shit like that should have its employees and employers murdered on the spot and have their bodies paraded around the city for all to see.
With a name like this, you could be able to call anyone any name you feel like. Motherfucker, retard, douche bag, cock-sucker, cunt, bitch, etc, etc, etc. And if they question you about it, you already have your excuse lined up, cocked and loaded, and ready to hit home. Harold Oswaldo Emo. Hoe for short. And no, not a long-handled gardening tool. Geez Ken Jennings, get your mind out of the gutter!
Just brutal.
Age: 32
With the exception of a few people, the majority of people I’ve met who have reached 32-years in their lives have earned enough respect from the community so that they’re not rowdy teenagers or young adults, while not as wise as the elderly, or as naive as those who endure elder abuse. Most 32-year-olds are smart, and have enough life experience so that they’re not annoying the holy fuck out a biker gang armed with automatic weapons and knives sharper than this columnist’s wit. See what I did there?
Height: 4’7
In my experience there is no such thing as luck. And Obi Wan Kenobi would agree with me on that one. But being under five-feet tall certainly places you at at huge disadvantage in life, (as a man). You’ll never make the basketball team, you’ll never be able to reach the box of cereal at the supermarket, you’ll never be able to enjoy a movie at the theatre once some large walrus of a person sits in front of you. Nope, being 4’7 is about as pleasant as being kicked in the nuts by a world class kick-boxer or all-star soccer / football player. Chances are people are going to feel sorry for you. And that’s key.
With a height like this, people would be afraid to say anything, regardless of what you did to them, in fear other people would be offended. “Hey, why are you yelling at Harold?” “He made fun of my dead my sister!” “He’s under five-feet tall, give him a break. Shame on you.”
Weight: 185 LBS
Being 185 lbs and being only 4’7 must be the most uncomfortable thing on earth. Not only would it be impossible to find clothes that actually fit you, but just walking around town would make people stop and stare and ask themselves, “since when did giant watermelons learn to walk on their own? Must be those new chemicals they’ve added.” Pretty much, people are going to shed a tear when they find out that you’re not a watermelon, but rather a person who only LOOKS like a watermelon. I’ve heard of looks being able to kill, and looks making mouths water, but this is just something else.
For the same reasons as the height, you’re pretty much asking for trouble if you insult this dude.
Ethnicity: Half African American. Half Native American
Now we’re getting into controversial territory. And I love it. Love it! Love it so much, I should probably marry it and make it have children. The controversy that is. Hah! But why does this person have to be half native and half black? Elementary, my dear Watson. History. “You enslaved our people!” “You took our land!” Not only have these two groups been wronged in just about every way possible, but people with bleeding hearts (read: liberals) cry rivers over these sob stories. This kind of person would be literally impossible to touch due to his or her race.
I mean no disrespect to Natives or African Americans, but when you open up a card such as this one, it’s not just one of those fancy Hallmark cards that play a bit of crappy music and a lame tune, oh no. This music is one that sheds tears. I guess we know what Minority Report 2 would be about, don’t we?
Gender: Hermaphrodite
Yes, indeed! Very much so. It has to be done. Why not? These kind of people, just like the aforementioned races (marathons, even) have endured so much abuse and hardship, being a hermaphrodite is the perfect way to get an army of politically correct bodyguards and liberal-voting nutcases around you in case, get this, a big bad “conservative” makes fun of you. I guess that’s what the world wants you to think. And when I say world, I mean unions, schools, liberal media, and complainers. No matter where you look, someone is going to ‘feel sorry for you’.
Sexual Orientation: Gay (Lesbian)
This sounds familiar!! A lesbian trapped in someone else’s body? A gay man trapped in a woman’s body? A bi-sexual trapped in the stomach of a ghost? Maybe. Who knows. But this card alone is like the ace of spades, although not necessarily as pretty. All it takes is one pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and a pack of skittles and the world suddenly gets into a panic whenever you’re insulted. Good luck trying to call this person anything “derogatory”, you’ll be exiled faster than a breath of fresh air on a warm summer morning… or is that inhaled?
Religion: Jewish
No issues at all with Jewish people, but for effect, the lone mention of the holocaust makes a room so quiet you can hear a pin drop. Not that being Jewish is a bad thing. Far from it. But guaranteed it has its fair share of challenges, especially in today’s world, where people are looking for accountants. Oh, and it doesn’t help that Sarah Silverman shares the same religion. Those two factors alone can make someone think twice before dropping any sort of bombs. Yikes.
Mental Illnesses: Tourettes Syndrome, Low-functioning Asperger’s Syndrome
To be honest with you all, I actually have asperger’s syndrome. Albeit my case is very, very mild. Very. But some of the people I’ve met who have the disorder can say ANYTHING and the world will shrug it off. This one kid I remember from when I attended high school, screamed out in the middle of a Remembrance Day assembly, “Afghanistan isn’t a war”. He got off free! You know what this means? More than anything else, you can pull the disability card and instantly, you can do whatever the fuck you want. And having Tourettes? Being able to scream out “Jesus fuck, fuck, fuck Jesus!” at the top of your lungs only sweetens the deal.
Psychical Disabilities: Amputated legs; confined to a wheel chair
Being in a wheel chair has to be the icing on the cake for this ultimate-minority, say-whatever-comes-to-mind, sundae of a person. No one is going to attack a handicapped person, and when combined with all these other traits, you’re looking at complete and utter invincibility. You’re unstoppable. You are handicapped. You have it rough. Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough! Hardcore rape rough. So rough it makes the most extreme of hockey fights seem so, so tame!
Conclusion:
There you have it! The only kind of person on the planet who is the perfect manifestation of minorities to the point where he/she/it can say literally ANYTHING and get away with it. Why? Because in the end, it’s not what you say to someone. It’s not how rude you may be. It’s not what you do. If people feel sorry for you, then you’re safe. Guess we need to learn to properly not judge books by their covers. Because, ask yourself…
If this kind of person offended you, what could you really do about it?
