Macs, iPods, iPads, iPhones iRefuse to Conform
Apple. Why do I hate you? Why can’t I stand you? Why do you make me want to restart my life in safe mode? Why must you take away all my friends, my hopes, my dreams and drown them in your iRiver? Because this river is red, my friends. Blood red. And this is one red river I don’t want to ride. One bandwagon I refuse to hop on. And something I’m going to fight until the bitter, bitter end. Speaking of red rivers, I think I just found a new and improved use for iPads. Oh. Snap.
Now, let me get things straight. I own a Zune. I already reviewed the Zune earlier on Forum M. In fact, it was one of the first things I ever reviewed. Let me just give you a bit of an update: I have OVER 9000 (What? Over 9000? There’s no way that can be right!) songs on the device and I still have more than half the storage space. Do you know what this means? It means nothing unless the sound quality is good, which, by the way, it is. Excellent.
But, why do people buy iPods? Why is the Zune discontinued in Canada? It’s because people are stupid. It’s because people suddenly have “applegasms.” No joke. Someone on my Facebook literally updated their status with the word “applegasm.” Although I’m sure if you were to applegasm in a chick’s mouth, she’d probably prefer the taste of apple sauce over swimmers, she’s probably going to want to get tested for something. But back to the original point of people being stupid…
People seem to believe that spending a boat-load of money on a Mac guarantees them programs they can’t run on a PC such as Garageband and Final Cut Pro. In fact, there was a girl in my high school who wanted to purchase a Mac just for Final Cut. To put things in lowest terms (4/8 = ½)… it’s like purchasing an album because of one song. You don’t care about the rest of the album. It sucks. But this one song, it drives you nuts. So you have to buy it. And it’s this stupidity that has spread across the world.
I found a program a few months ago when one of my friends was complaining about needing a Mac to use Garage Band for music making. She had searched the internet for a PC alternative, but had no luck. THIS is an example of someone NOT being stupid. This is someone finding alternate paths. Thinking outside the box in a sense. Maybe even, oh, I don’t know… forgetting the box?!
But yeah, I found a program for her entitled Mixcraft, which, get this, can use Garageband Loops! I’m sure she would have found it eventually, but because I am who I am (the fucking best) I was able to find the program quickly and guess what, less money in Apple’s pockets and a friend helped = a smile on my face.
This is what I’m getting at: the girl in my high school was stupid and my friend was smart. The high school girl was going to buy a Mac because she was instantly convinced no other program could measure up. That’s why I’m off majoring and she’s off saving for her Mac, wasting time and money and my friend is off making her own music. If the high school girl had of actually looked for a program that runs on PC and could compete with Apple’s product, then she’d be at least not just bowing out and succumbing to Apple’s evil.
Notice how I said I was majoring? Sadly, in my university, there are tonnes of people who use Macs. However, I predict the greater number of people who actually do well and move on will be PC users. Because PC users like it ROUGH. Mac users are all buttercups and flowers. You won’t last when you find out your Mac doesn’t write your thesis for you! Hahahaha.
The other thing about Apple that drives me apples (orange you glad I didn’t say banana?) Is their ruthless, stupid, pathetic and slandering marketing. Especially those Mac and PC guys. Honestly, the Mac guy is someone I’d just want to punch in the face and stomp to the brink of death. He’s this politically (in)correct “well-dressed” goodie-two-shoes who lives in some flawed fantasy of Macs being bundles of joy while PCs are spreadsheet-writing heartless bastards.
And the way they portray PCs too are you serious? First of all, if you want to use a younger guy to represent Macs, at least use a younger dude for PCs too. Not some fifty-five-year-old virgin who keeps his hands in his pockets and talks like a submissive little bitch. Not that it’s a bad thing to be submissive I mean, that’s how dominatrixes make a living; submissive men pay them. And being forced to lick a chick’s boots while kowtowing like a puppy is definitely how some people get off. But the PC guy should at least have some balls when dealing with the iTard like he does. Geez.
This is what a real PC user looks like:
I was going to post a picture of myself, but I’m way too sexy to show myself in a rant about Apple products. Did I mention I’m totally banging the girl in the picture? Yeah, I am. Not long from now. Soon.
In one of the commercials, the Mac guy insults the following: Windows 95, 98, ME, XP, Vista and Seven. I can live with the dude insulting 95 and ME, but come on, 98 was a beast. It was durable, it was like a terminator. And XP too, minus the KernelStack Impage error I got before. But besides that, I’ve actually had minimal issues with Vista and Seven. So stop insulting EVERYTHING Microsoft does. And stop trying to put iShit into every movie and TV series…
Such as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. You expect me to believe that a hacker goth chick uses an UNMODDED MAC to hackz0rz? Are you fucking kidding me? The thing is literally unmodded. In the film, she honestly uses an out-of-the-box Mac to hack someone. I don’t care if this is a testament to the girl’s skills as a hacker, which I doubt it is, but if she’s using a Mac to hack, I might as well eat a vacuum cleaner with chopsticks. That’s how stupid Apple’s marketing is. It’s shoved down our throats to the point where death becomes a blessing.
You know what the real iRony is in all of this? When viruses targeted at Apple computers become more wide-spread, the main Apple defense is going to be crushed. “Buy a Mac, no viruses.” Yeah right. Crash and burn. A smart PC user knows what he or she is doing on their machine. Macs can be compared to child-safety locks. Did I mention games are better on PC?
Not that PC gaming is as popular as it used to be, but for the millions that live and die by their mouse and keyboards they mean business. You won’t find Mac users racking up kill-streaks, I’ll tell you that much. They’re probably off dancing in fields populated by unicorns and rainbows and skittles… sounds like something from CBC or BBC kids. Ugh!
I hate Apple. Hate. I find most Apple users to be annoying, HST-supporting (Ontario), retards. I cannot stand it. All these iTards are iDiots. Anyway, I hope this rant has amused some of you. To all the Apple fans out there: How do you like them apples?
Honestly, these puns are getting older by the second, but they provide so many cheap laughs. Sigh. Anyway, that’s that. Case and point. Match point. Checkmate. GG.
May the force be with you.
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