The Downward Spiral Of Browsing Profiles
Finding the right girl on a dating site can be like finding a needle in a haystack. Or finding the G-spot on a morbidly obese mammoth of a woman who looks like a cross between a gorilla and a sumo wrestler. Not that I’ve ever had the experience navigating my way through swamp lands of that sort, but let’s just say, dating sites can be hell and a half.
I’ve met with several girls on dating sites and each one has been somewhat memorable. Some more than others. Like when I met with this one blonde and got with her sister who happened to have a fetish for sixteenth century renascence men. No hyperbole. Anyway, I’m not going to get into my encounters with the fourth kind (women) in this article, because there’s a sex columnist for that sort of thing.
Instead, allow me to have some fun at completely tearing apart sites like Plenty of Fish and OKCupid.
But first, let me tell you a funny story. I was watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit one day and the episode was about a serial rapist who stalked girls on dating sites and then violently raped them. The show goes to commercial, and what do you suppose airs? Why, an ad for E-Harmony, of course! Really? Really? Yeah, I know. What the fuck?
Haha. Anyway, dating sites. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed it’s that A LOT of girls like horseback riding. About 1/10 of the profiles I view have girls riding horses. What could this possibly mean? Do you like rides? Do you like men to be hung like a horse? Do you prefer Trojan Condoms? Well, I have a confession to make: I’m not hung like a horse. A horse is hung like Chuck Norris. And I’m a Chuck Norris fan, so I win. >.<
Honestly, why do girls post pictures of them riding horses? Not like any dude is going to actually say, “wow, she rides a horse! She’s awesome!” If you post a picture of yourself playing Call of Duty then you’d probably get my attention. I want a female gamer who can pwn n00bs. A hot one too. With pink toenails. Yum.
But the weird thing about dating sites is legitimacy. How do I know these girls are actually girls? I only see a few pictures of girls making sandwiches. Those pictures are obviously legit. If she’s in the kitchen, you know she’s real.
I’m not being sexist. Just stereotypical. Girls don’t live in kitchens. If they did, they’d be much better cooks. Sadly, they have lives too. Like vacuuming for example.
Okay, anyway, seriously now, people need to learn how to properly fill out their profiles. Here, I’ll give you an example of what I run into when I click on someone’s picture. I’m just going to make it up like how it is 97.8% of the time:
Ahem…
Heyyy Boiis! =) Mai name is Emmmily and I am 22 yrs old. I luv my mac and mai shoes and mai hoooorse Mister ChompeRs. And I really lieek Justin Bieber and Headly. Omg. They are so awesum! I have blonde hair and bluue eyes and I lke 2 dance and sing songs and watch MTV. The hills <3
…No joke. That’s what I get over and over again. Not only are these girls completely retarded, but the chances of you actually having a good conversation with them are as slim as Hank Hill’s narrow urethra. Also as slim as The New Jersey Devils winning the Stanley Cup.
Goddamn it. These people are so retarded. Did you see how I mentioned blonde hair and blue eyes? I swear, half of these girls belong in the Hitler Youth or something. And come on! Headley? Is there a more retarded band in the world today besides Nickelback?
I don’t think that kind of girl even has a personality, yet alone a brain. Not only that, but she probably spreads her legs more than she spreads the peanut butter on the sandwiches she makes. Why would anyone contact her unless they wanted to become dumber? That, or end up with an S.T.D. Shy Timid Dick. Honestly, I’d just go and get wasted. Next!!!
Alright, well, actually, there are some moderately decent girls on dating sites. There are metal heads, fine-looking, intelligent and genuine girls on these sites who I wouldn’t mind hooking up with. But for every cool girl out there (like the one who recommended that I do this article) there are about 99 girls who I just want to push into mount doom!
Only thing is, I can see the world benefiting more from me pushing these girls into Mount Doom than throwing the one ring into the flames. Why? Because having the world of Middle Earth be destroyed is far better than living in a world where people who lack any sort of intellect and understanding of the human condition are free to exist. It’s like waking up in my nightmare where there’s a zombie apocalypse and all the survivors are taking orders from motherfucking Tim Allan! No joke. I actually had this nightmare before!
Oh, and the chat feature on half of these sites is either broken, acting retarded, or makes no sense. It makes me want to scream!! But on the internet, no one can hear you scream — not even if you type in nothing but capital letters. You have to use a mic to get your point across. Haha. Well, most of the chats are broken. After twenty or so minutes, my friend and I finally got the chat function to work. Took a miracle to say the least.
Another interesting thing to point out: putting BDSM in your interests list is probably going to either spark some convos or scare people away. I’ve actually had some chicks message me just because I put it down on my interests. See, it pays to just be open about things. I have a foot fetish. And you know what, some chicks are totally into guys who have one. Haha. Thank God for the internet. Without it, we’d all be sitting at home with nothing to do. That, or go into the real world and attempt to do things… boring.
Then what happens when you actually meet with the girl? What do you do? Coffee? Movie? Long walk? Afternoon sex? The latter? Afternoon sex?! Hah. I wish. It’s normally the good oldmeet for coffee, talk for a bit, then run home and get on with your life. Unless of course you’re down for fun times, which half the world is not.
It’s so awkward when you meet with a chick after you two talked great online, but your conversation goes slower than the 2006 film Bubble, and is more dry than Egypt during a drought. It may as well be a vagina in a desert. NOT a vagina for dessert. Sometimes you just have to think of something to actually talk about. But something I’ve learned from personal experience, it’s NOT to talk about Star Wars. That’s a good way to turn a chick off. Talk about horseback riding instead. Not riding a Tonton. And for fucks sake, if you’re going to say Tonton, be sure not to accidentally call it tampon — otherwise, you’re fucked for life — and not in a good, sexual way. I mean in a horrible, lonely way where you die a slow and painful death, or end up marrying a Mac user.
Luckily, the good thing about the internet is meeting other anti-Mac users. Can you believe this very column is a good ice-breaker? Especially when people I message had actually read my rant about Apple products before? I’m like a celebrity on the internet. I’m like Justin Bieber, but without all the lame. Or Patrick Roy without all the cocky. But all the cock. Wait… what? LOL.
So, in the end, dating sites are hit and miss. You win some and you lose some. You shoot and you score. Or you hit the post. Or end up being tied to one. Or you end up flying coast to coast, because the girl you met lives all the way in Singapore and when you get off the plane, you find out you were talking to some fat gremlin who watches Baseball and jerks off to reruns of Murder She Wrote while eating homemade curry chicken. And that, good sir, is what we in the industry call a “low point”. It’s when your stock plummets. And you die… :’(
I guess, all I have to say is, keep browsing profiles. Hopefully someone won’t be on a horse. And if they are, then they can go die in a corner. A corner of unlimited evil and despair.
Anyway…
May the force be with us all.
