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It’s springtime in Montreal. Lots of eye candy. Heavy coats are doffed and the flowers are in bloom. That’s all of the positive side of it, but this is a rant.

With the springtime come the scourge of self-righteous roadblockers. Between the idiots on skateboards and the overpaid workers who dig holes in the street and then stand around them, for months at a time, there are those I hold a particular contempt for: the bicycle gangs that take over the streets, blocking traffic and generally being a public nuisance.

The Tour de l'Ile as seen by Tourism Montreal, Laurence sees it differently

I’m referring, of course to events like the tour de l’ile and other things. Don’t get me wrong, I used to be quite an avid cyclist until I developed a cyst in my knee and then lost both my bicycles while moving.

I enjoyed the vast array of bike-paths this city has to offer. In fact, Montreal has among the most bike paths out of any North American city.

So why must a bunch of self-righteous “greener than thou” louts spoil it for those of us who cannot bicycle, for whatever reason, and tell me “Kiss my ass” when they jaywalk in front of my car??? I ought to do just that – kiss their asses, with my bumper.

It’s true that I would see bigfoot monster trucks enter into the tour de l’ile, with their windows blacked out so the drivers couldn’t see anything. Okay. So I would see a Godzilla-type creature come and knock down this city. This city has never really been good to me anyway.

Also, they always seem to pick a day when I need to move furniture. They make me drive for miles, on a very long, circuitous route, costing me a lot of time and a heck of a lot of fuel, more than necessary. How is this “greener?”

So I now have to watch out for that idiot kid who thinks he’s Evel Knievel on a bicycle with no lights or even reflectors coming up and hitting my car when I’m at a red light, touching my hood and taking off sideways as soon as the light turns green for me to go.

That’s almost as bad as those stupid kids who cycled right up to me and blew an air horn directly into my ear and then they told me “suck my Ddck” – I know, Teenagers will be teenagers, but why do they have to be so Damned ANNOYING?!?!?

Most bicycle accidents are the fault of the cyclist. The car drivers get blamed, but it’s the cyclists fault. Bicyclists, generally, it seems, have zero regard for traffic laws. I recently heard on the news that a bunch of cyclists were killed or injured when they were hit by a car, while riding on a busy highway. On a HIGHWAY!!! I’m sorry, but if you’re that stupid, to bicycle on a highway, YOU DESERVE TO BE HIT! YOU’RE BEGGING FOR IT!

Therefore I conclude that any cyclist who rides on a highway is either incredibly stupid or brainwashed by the cycling fanatics who think this sort of behavior is acceptable and even necessary(!) or is just plain suicidal. At least Evel Knievel used a motorcycle!

Laurence Tenenbaum was born in Montreal, and has been involved in many areas and various scenes including but not limited to,the Montreal Music scene, the Montreal Spoken Word / Poetry scene, the Montreal Visual Art scene and has attended many automotive shows. While he should a happy and well-adjusted individual, with a combination of ADD, Gout, A type "A" personality, and the massive tonnage of BS dumped onto him on a constant basis often makes him seem angry and irritable. However he's usually correct in his frustrations, especially when they're directed at assorted things that aggrivate him and many other people too. he therefore brings you "Laurence Rants," a chance to vent his and all our collective frustrations. so if something frustrates, irritates or just plain confuses him, and he thinks other people can relate to it, it just might end up in one of Laurence's Rants. *** *** *** *** *** Annoying legalese-type fine print *** *** *** *** *** *** -- The opinions expressed in Laurence's Rants are the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of Forget the Box Media, Its sponsors, or anyone else.

Laurence Tenenbaum

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