Today I’m launching my new career as a freelance writer. I specialize in writing forewords for books. Any kind of books. If it’s a collection of words printed on paper and bound together in a volume between covers, I’ll write a foreword to it. For fifty dollars. That’s it. Only fifty dollars for a professional sounding, flattering foreword to your shitty book. Seventy dollars if you’re a fantasy writer.
I’ll even tailor how good my foreword is so as to not outshine your book. I mean, I’d be a pretty lousy foreword author if my foreword was the best part of your book. So, if you’re an awful writer and you write an awful book, I’ll write you a foreword of comparable awfulness. But, hey, if you’re a goddamned Nobel laureate who’s written the most staggeringly important work of genius since your groundbreaking debut in 1971, I’ll write you a foreword of such gentle magnitude and unapproachable insight that the foreword itself would threaten to overtake it and win the Nobel Prize in Literature. But, then I’ll dial it back a notch, so it doesn’t outdo your work. I’m not here to steal Nobel Prizes. I’m just here to make you look that much better.
And I have an unbelievable amount of range. I’ll write a foreword to any kind of book. Novels, how-to manuals, memoirs, astrology guides. If you wrote a field guide to historical East Coast outhouses, I’ll produce a foreword that’ll have everyone convinced I pooped in every single one of them. Wrote a collection of outsider poetry? My foreword will totally reflect that I understand it and I don’t think it’s an unreadable pile of dreck. Worried that I don’t know enough about your subject to write an appropriate foreword? Don’t be silly. I have access to Wikipedia and a vivid imagination. I’ll figure it out, don’t you worry about me.
You might be asking yourself right now, because you’re a smart writer: “If he’s writing forewords to all these books, how will he have time to read mine and give it the foreword it deserves?” Great question. Of course it’s a great question, you’re a smart writer. The answer again is: Don’t worry about it. I have my methods for conjuring up great forewords for the books I’ve “read.” Believe me, I can learn everything I need to know about your book just by reading the first page, the last page, and the page directly in the middle. Trust me, you’re in good hands. I write forwards for a living, silly.
You might be concerned that I don’t know anything about you personally, because we’ve never met and all the contact we’ve ever had is through Paypal for the fifty-dollar foreword fee. Well, you don’t get to be a major player in the foreword game without knowing a little bit about faking like you know someone. It also helps that I know a bit about what makes a famous author; I’m a close personal friend of Malcolm Gladwell, after all.
See, the thing is that I’ve never even met Malcolm Gladwell, but you’d never have known that if I hadn’t just told you. You’d believe that I was a close personal friend of Malcolm Gladwell, because I’d have just told you that. So, please, if I can fake being a close personal friend of Malcolm Gladwell, I think I can fake being a close personal friend of yours.
So, at this point, you’re most likely thinking, “Wow! This sounds like it’s too good to be true! You’re hired!” But, for any who may still have some lingering doubt and wonder why you should hire me to write your foreword, I say this: So you can get in on the ground-floor. To be able to look back when your book has gone platinum and know that you were one of the trailblazers who hired me to do the foreword for their book. At this point literally everyone will be clamouring to have me write their foreword, and the waiting list will be massive, if you can even get on it. But you’ll be able to look at your book, your book with those four magical words on it that guarantee best-seller status: “Foreword by Johnny Scott.” All for just fifty dollars. Seventy if you’re a fantasy writer. Oh, also, Hunter S. Thompson wannabes need not apply.
*Photo by karen horton via Flickr