dress-pockets

As a woman who has shit to do I have often struggled with the fact that most of my clothing does not have pockets in it. Why a pair of pants would have faux pockets blows my damn mind. The only female clothes that have pockets are usually the smallest cut off booty shorts where the pockets are comically longer than the shorts themselves or old lady house dresses. I normally wear cute skirts and dresses with leggings underneath.

short-shorts

Very rarely do I find fashionable stuff with pockets, I (along with every other female out there) freak out with pure glee when I come across fashionable and practical pocketed clothing, its like finding a fucking unicorn!

Vintage dresses and stuff from Target usually have the best chance of pockets. When we do get pockets often they are not deep enough. It is all about accessibility and accessories.

Women need to buy purses to hold their stuff. We are marketed all kinds of beauty products, life essentials, hand sanitizers, mini perfumes, bags of candy, and all kinds of other random purse MacGyver action items. A man can keep all he needs in his deep pockets. A wallet and cellphone, that’s it, perhaps a tiny little beard comb if he’s fuzzy.

If I wear a fanny pack I am seen as less sexy and lame. I love fanny packs regardless of how cool they are. Putting your giant cellphone in your back pocket is asking for a swim in the toilet. Do I just start carrying my stuff in my snatch? Is it nature’s pocket?

My roommate Lucy has some thoughts on pockets: “Women don’t deserve pockets, we have to load everything into our purses,” as she digs through her purse looking for change. It’s bullshit.

I remember my tiny grandmother having a bad shoulder from carrying her XL handbag. My aunt and mother going into back room Chinatown black-market purse shops trying to undercut designer prices. Watching my mother sit in front of a big screen TV tuned to the Liquidation Channel or the Home Shopping Network, precursors to the internet shopping that my peers are obsessed with. Amazon Prime is a dangerous beast.

When I was a bartender I had to get a bottle opener necklace and wear an apron to be efficient. It is easier for a pants wearing man to carry what he needs. Thank goddess for Carabeaners, I use mine to clip to a belt or sometimes my leggings when I don’t want to carry a stupid purse.

Forever the fashion industry has been run by primarily gay men. Women are hangers, consumers, people who like accessories, told to just spend their husband’s money on mindless junk.

A lot of girls carry things in their bra. I have multiple problems with this. First of all fuck bras! They are another social construct that I do not wish to participate in.

It is embarrassing when my mother calls me out on not having a bra on. It pisses me off that she doesn’t understand that it was just an advertiser who made all women buy these undergarments.

I have had larger breasted friends tell me they need bras for comfort and back issues, I guess that is the exception, if you want to wear bras feel free, I am not judging you, just don’t judge me for not wearing one.

Second part of this is the fact that cellphones are in boobs. I do not want a phone sized titty tumor. Cellphones are evil in general, they are starting to set shit on fire, don’t want that near my boob. Also sweat water damage, I am a sweaty betty. Third problem with bra pockets is sweaty boob money. It is gross, nobody likes to be handed wet smelly money.
hippo-in-kangaroo-pouch-funny-picture

I want a pocket like a mother kangaroo carrying her baby Joey. I want my precious cargo to remain safe inside of me. Gender politics and the fashion industry holding back women stops me from being a fashionable female capable of functioning in the fast paced world around us. I don’t need a giant purse holding me back and weighing me down. More pockets need to be seen on the runway, women are demanding them!

Wearing functional men’s clothing is a social taboo. The material our clothes are made of is generally thinner and less long wearing than men’s lines. Besides, fake pockets there are always fake zippers and buckles too, random aesthetics that do nothing to aide in functionality.

Men’s clothing also has more logical sizing. Women’s clothing is complete bullshit, dress sizes are arbitrary and complicated, often meaning different things with different designers, you always need to check out the handy dandy size chart.

In the medieval times both men and women carried bags, but as pickpockets became more prevalent, internal pockets made more sense. Women were still left vulnerable, ready to be robbed.

How dare a woman mess with her beautiful silhouette by having stuff in her pocket bulging. Suffragettes had pockets but Hilary Clinton’s suit does not, what does that say about our society?

graham-james-released

On September 15, 2016 Graham James, the former junior hockey coach convicted of sexually assaulting players he coached in the nineties was granted full parole after seven years in prison. His victims included retired NHL stars Theo Fleury and Sheldon Kennedy, whom James repeatedly assaulted by abusing his position as coach. Though James has admitted that he cannot change his attraction to young people, he has promised never to put himself in a position where he can hurt kids again.

The courts are doing their best to make sure he keeps his promise for the terms of his parole include no contact with anyone under the age of eighteen, no contact with the victims or their families, and he’s not allowed to work in any job or profession involving minors.

We all know that Graham James is a pedophile who probably should have remained in some form of incarceration for the rest of his life.

This article isn’t about him.

It’s about the laws protecting Canada’s young from sexual assault.

The laws against sexually assaulting minors are found in the Canadian Criminal Code and come in two forms. The first are laws themselves, the second are as circumstances in which the penalty for the crime increases if the victim is under the age of consent.

As per the Canadian Criminal Code, the age of consent is sixteen years old. Anyone under that age cannot legally consent to sexual activity.

Anyone who for a sexual purpose, touches directly or indirectly or with an object, a part of the body of someone under the age of consent is committing a crime and looking at a minimum sentence of one year in jail and a maximum of fourteen years. The same penalty applies to anyone who invites, counsels, or incites someone under sixteen to touch someone’s body part for sexual purposes. It also applies if a person touches or incites someone under under the age of sixteen to engage in sexual touching when he or she is in a position of authority and the young person is in a dependent position or where the nature of the relationship could be construed as exploitative. The only possibility of a lesser sentence is if the offender gets a summary conviction, which is considered less serious and reduces the sentence to a minimum of ninety days and a maximum of two years.

The Criminal Code also protects minors from bestiality. Bestiality in the presence of someone under sixteen or inciting someone under sixteen to commit bestiality is punishable by a maximum sentence of fourteen years and a minimum one year in jail. Once again, there is the possibility of being tried on summary conviction in which case the person will face a minimum ninety days or a maximum of two years.

For exposing oneself to a minor the penalties are a lot lighter. Exposing oneself consists of flashing your genitals to someone under the age of sixteen and will get the offender up to two years in prison or a minimum ninety days in jail. If the offender is lucky enough to get a summary conviction, he or she is looking at a minimum of thirty days or a maximum of six months.

Sexual Assaults are where the age of victim will increase the sentence for the crime. If the victim is over sixteen, the maximum sentence is only ten years. If the victim is under sixteen, it’s the same fourteen years maximum and minimum one year as for other sexual offenses involving minors. If a weapon or something used as a weapon was part of the assault, the fact that the victim was under sixteen takes the penalty from a maximum of fourteen years to a life sentence.

Defenses for sex crimes against minors are limited.

Unlike adult sex crime cases, an offender cannot claim the victim consented to the activity if the victim is less than sixteen years old. There is an exception to this, however, in the case of accusations of touching or inciting to touch or exposing genitals for sexual purposes.

If the victim is over fourteen years old but under sixteen and the accused is less than five years older and not in a position of authority or any other exploitative relationship with the person, he or she can claim the person consented. Someone who did any of those things at the age of twelve or thirteen cannot even be accused of the crime unless the person was in a position of trust or authority towards the victim.

It is NOT a defense to argue that the accused believed the victim was sixteen or more at the time of the activity unless the accused took “reasonable steps” to find out the age of the victim. The attempt to use this as a defense comes up a lot in Men’s Rights’ Activist discourse when jerks try to get out of a rape charge by claiming that because the victim had fully developed boobs and was wearing makeup, the rapist had every right to think the activity was legal.

The laws and judicial practices when it comes to rape in Canada need an overhaul.

If you have any doubts, look at the language used in the Canadian Criminal Code. In the section on sexual assault, the victim is always referred to as a “complainant”. While in legalese, the word means a plaintiff in legal cases, to laymen the word starts with “complain”. Since language shapes the way we think, using a word like that to describe a victim creates the unconscious belief that rape victims are not victims but complainers.

No matter the age, a rape victim is just that, a VICTIM, and despite what a certain judge in Alberta would have you believe, it’s NEVER, EVER the victim’s fault.

* Featured image: Graham James released from prison

pimp

Why is Pimp not an appropriate synonym for Promote?

The official dictionary definition of the word pimp is: (noun) 1. A man who controls prostitutes and arranges clients for them , taking part of their earnings in return. synonyms procurer, procuress, madam verb informal – make something more showy or impressive, ex Pimp my ride. Urban dictionary, my preferred dictionary source for comedic non censored relief, always more accurate, says that pimp stands for:  P-erson I-nto M-arketing P-rostitutes

Lets talk about this definition for a second. First of all, I think it’s interesting that a pimp is identified as only a male dealing with female sex workers (the female pimp is called a madam, and generally keeps her girls in a house or brothel and not out on the streets), the stereotypical shady guy in a purple velvet suit with a leopard hat, full length fur coat, diamond crusted cane, bling galore, gold teeth, and flashy gold car with hydraulics.

By definition a pimp is a horrible person, using another person’s body as a commodity. Prostitution is the oldest profession, I have no problem with a man or woman selling their body, as long as they receive all of the profit. If they feel the need to pay a security guard or driver, that’s their business. Pimping is different.

Pimps are abusive and aggressive, an integral part to illegal sex trafficking and human bondage, often preying on people with addictions or other hardships. Media glamorizes the archetype of a pimp.

MTV’s show Pimp My Ride has brought the word into mainstream as meaning custom or flashy, an attractive man might also be called a pimp as a compliment, Jay Z’s song Big Pimpin or 50 Cent/Snoop Dogg P.I.M.P. (among many other rap songs featuring the word) are about living large and having lots of cash money.

I go both ways with this word. YES, it does represent something sexist and demeaning. Many mainstream writers use the word casually, referring to the positive slang term over the literal meaning.

I have definitely used the word pimp to describe a situation where I am promoting something. “I am going to pimp out these posters.” Going from shop to shop, talking to people, trying to sell my art. I am using them to promote my show, not sell another human’s body. Yes, similar tactics are used, but pimping is specific to sex trafficking. It is used as a slang term to tout or persuade others to use your goods.

It is an insult to call someone a pimp by my standards as per the dictionary definition of the word. Others may think differently, using the word only to describe how much money or flashy goods a person has.

Pimp is a slang term used to describe someone who is slick, smooth talking, fashionable, and stylish. It can also mean to excessively customize a thing such as a car. So again, it depends who is saying it and what their intention is.

To promote is to raise someone or something up to a more important job. It is positive. To pimp is to degrade sex workers, who are human beings and not property. So therefore they are not the same thing.

It is offensive to pimp out a human, but not a thing. Freedom of speech says that you can say whatever you want and whatever I say will not change that.

legal-tips

The law is full of technical language that scares many of us out of learning everything about it. However, true to the old adage that knowledge is power, knowing a little about the law can save you a lot of grief.

In an attempt to keep your noses out of the heavy books I had to carry during law school, below is a list of five basic legal tips that may save you one day. As I am not a lawyer, I cannot call this advice, so do with them what you will and protect yourselves.

Get everything that could be considered a contract in writing

Whether you’re buying a computer or taking out an insurance policy, get your arrangement in writing and make sure it’s signed by both you and the person or company you’re dealing with. This is extremely important, for while the law says that contracts can be verbal, written proof transforms any dispute from your word against theirs to one with tangible proof of your arrangement. If you have the means, getting the document notarized will give it extra weight.

Keep copies of EVERYTHING

CopIES not A copy, and make sure at least one of these copies is in a safe place that you and only you have access to. This doesn’t have to be a safety deposit box. You have a box of sex toys you know no one is going to go anywhere near? Put the documents in a baggy and stick them in there.

If a contract sours and you have proof of the obligations in it, the other person can be held accountable for their end of the deal in a court of law. If they agreed to pay you X and they paid you Y and you don’t have a copy of the contract, you may not get the remainder of the balance. If you have something in writing and the document suddenly disappears, the other party can deny the arrangement ever existed or that the terms were different.

Proof is the best protection, so keep copies of receipts, contracts, labels, and price tags where necessary.

Remember that ALL jobs in Quebec have to pay a wage

A lot of job seekers get phone calls from companies who saw their CV on sites like Monster.ca and ask them if they’d like to come for an interview. They’ll say the work is a customer service job.

What they will not tell you over the phone is that the job usually pays commission only and requires you to do door-to-door sales, making the transport costs greater than any money you’ll make because not everyone is going to buy from you. Many will feel pressured to go for the interview and accept the job because they are on unemployment or welfare and think the limitations of these programs require them to take the first job that’s offered.

No one has to take these jobs because they are illegal.

According to Quebec’s Act Respecting Labour Standards, an employee is someone who works for an employer, and all employees are legally entitled to a wage for the work they do. If you’re in a profession that allows you to earn tips, the minimum wage you are entitled to will be less, but no matter the job, the employer is legally obligated to pay you for the work, regardless of whether or not you succeed in selling the product.

If you get a call asking you if you’re looking for work, do not be afraid to sort out the wage question over the phone. Doing so will save you a lot of potentially wasted time.

Do not always believe what government employees tell you and do not be afraid to argue with them

People who phone in noise complaints will usually be told that if the noise happens between 7 am and 11 pm, it is not grounds for a complaint. People who go to the police about harassment will often be told that if it happened only once, it’s not harassment. Most people will accept this answer, apologize, and move on.

The problem is that the rules aren’t always what the people who should be enforcing them say they are.

The municipal bylaw for NDG/Cote-des-Neiges, for example, actually says that noise complaints are judged based on a question of reasonability. If, for example, your neighbor has been making cosmetic repairs his home and the construction crew hasn’t been using any sort of muffling equipment thus making ear-splitting machine noise starting at 7 am for over a month, that’s clearly unreasonable. With harassment, if you feel harassed by the behavior, it’s harassment even if it only happened once.

Before calling in a complaint or speaking to the police, check the laws online and do not be afraid to argue if they claim the behavior is legal.

If you are arrested or detained by police, ask them the reason for it and NEVER answer any questions without an attorney present

If you are detained by the police you have a legal right to know why. If they will not tell you, they are breaking the law.

During your detention NEVER answer any questions without an attorney present. Though we’d all like to think the cops are the good guys, there is always the risk they will try to make you confess to something you didn’t do, and many people will do anything to get home to bed if tired, hungry, and under stress.

Make a mental note of any negative remarks officers make about your race, gender, sexual orientation or religion. It’s a fact that racism is rampant among even Canadian police and evidence that your detention is about prejudice not crime may save you.

Knowledge of the law can save you from being cheated or deprived of your freedom. With a little training you can teach yourself to stick it to shady employers, selfish neighbors, and hold police accountable for questionable behavior.

male-birth-control-pill

The male birth control pill. We hear about it all the time, but it never seems any closer to becoming a reality. A recent Google News search cropped up almost a million results. Headlines like A Male Birth Control Option Promises to Be Available Within 5 YearsMale contraceptive pill ‘a step closer’ to hitting market and Birth Control for Men-It’s Loooooong Overdue flood the page.

I get it, the logic behind a male birth control pill makes sense. The contraceptive burden shouldn’t fall entirely on women, men should have a more substantial stake in family planning, the more available and accessible options, the better. Makes sense.

In a perfect world, where gender-parity means more than Trudeau’s gender-balanced cabinet — a largely symbolic move that attracted more applause than it did actually address gender inequity in Parliament — male contraception might even translate into fewer unplanned pregnancies, safer sex, you name it.

But the problem with the conversation around contraception for men is mostly frustrating: it ignores the power imbalances and patriarchal structures that make legislation and policy around women’s health so important in the first place.

Something like 99 per cent of women in the United States have used birth control methods at least once in their lives. And guess what, Canada doesn’t even record statistics on women’s contraception usage. As recently as 2013, Canadian researchers had to use American statistics to estimate trends in contraception.

Don’t let our lack of statistical analysis fool you, Canadian women are certainly still accessing contraception. Last year alone, the sexual health clinic at the Middlesex-London Health Unit provided nearly 28 000 low-cost contraceptives, including upwards of 500 doses of emergency contraception. But despite widespread usage, provincial health plans still do not fully cover birth control, because Canada remains the only country in the world with healthcare that does not cover pharmaceuticals. Most women access birth control through supplemental health insurance, provided by employers.

A recent Canadian Medical Association Journal (CMAJ) study found that most Canadian employers do not routinely cover the cost of contraception. Insurance coverage varies widely, and while some plans are comprehensive, there is no national standard for contraception coverage.

The Public Service Health Care Plan provides coverage for federal employees through Sun Life, but only covers oral contraceptives. The same plan provides up to $500 in reimbursement for erectile dysfunction drugs. Several plans omit birth control coverage altogether, including the supplemental insurance for employees of Save on Foods. For women without supplemental health coverage, especially women with precarious immigration status, the cost of unsubsidized birth control can be preventative.

The male birth control pill won’t do much to change that.

Why? Aside from the obvious legislative and policy implications, the real reason is that financial obstacles don’t just exist on the demand side of the equation. Birth control methods are expensive to research, develop, and test through clinical trials. And Big Pharma, an industry that spends over $635 million lobbying the United States Congress (which exceeds the amount spent by Wall Street and the oil and gas industry combined), hasn’t developed a new contraceptive method for women in decades.

Most of the new birth control methods available, like the IUD, were developed outside of the commercial sector and eventually bought by Big Pharma companies, who spent their money on marketing. In other words, the companies with the resources and finances to invest significant sums in women’s health prefer to sit back and wait until something pops up on the market that they can buy to expand their portfolios.

This is all to say that when healthcare in Canada finally provides some sort of comprehensive pharmacare plan, when Big Pharma starts spending more on developing better, more effective, and safer birth control options for women, when the Federal government starts to fully cover birth control, when all hospitals and schools are required to provide women and girls with access to birth control, then maybe we can start worrying about a male option.

Until then, the male birth control pill seems like just another way to put on our blinders, shirk our responsibility to ensure women have access to contraception, and, like always, turn our attention towards men.

* Featured image: YouTube

no-hand

I have never been good at saying NO. I am a people pleaser, I want everyone to be happy and will do whatever I can to help that process. Sometimes you can give everything and not save any of that kindness or care for your own damn self. I have deserted myself, left my own needs and wants to die at the door step. I need to be in a committed relationship with myself, putting my wants and needs first, taking care of myself before I give it all away for free.

No is one of the first words babies can understand. Displaying that you are dissatisfied and do not like something is incredibly important. We all need to respect each others’ boundaries.

Being overtly sexual in text or whisper is something that gets under my skin. I usually have this problem with people I have already slept with who are trying to tap dat ass again. Your dick pic does not turn me on. I am not vicious, I am honest. I will never put myself in an uncomfortable situation ever again.

These gems of human dialogue were both said to me by two different people during the same night: “Baby I jerk off to the thought of your beautiful mouth around my cock.” NO! Then later “Someday the right guy will come along and everything will be ok.” FUCK NO!

If one more person tells me how dirty I am or how good of a mother I would be I will flip out. I’ve said NO to many things, I will not work in an office for something unethical, I will not eat meat, I will not get on a scale, and I will not ever be a cookie cutter female.

Even a soft no resonates, if I have to give you a HARD NO that’s bullshit, the first sign that I am not into it you back off buster. I literally had to get in this guy’s face and repeat myself for him to then eventually respectfully understand, but it shouldn’t have ever gotten to that point.

I did know and like him, I have been with him before and it was superb, I just wasn’t in the mood that particular night. I was too drunk, too tired, had to work in the morning. I should not have had to explain myself. A simple no is all you need. You cannot convince someone to change their mind. Consent is respect and anything else is rape.

When I am interested in someone I move slow. I look at their body language, and *shock* their actual language. Yes, “No” is a word. If she says she is tired, let her sleep, if his eyes are wandering I let them wander, who am I to control anyone? Just because I am horny doesn’t mean that you feel the same.

Girls Just Want to Be Safe (and Have Fun too)
Girls Just Want to Be Safe (and Have Fun too)

I have felt one sided love too many times. It sucks to hear NO and have to walk away. But, I’ve done it, and I have walked away when not wanted. There will be a moment when I confess my love and the other person says YES, but I am not banking on it, and I will not alter my life to find it.

I am not very hard to please, I will go along with most things, but as of recently I am making myself loud and clear about not doing things that I don’t want to do. I have turned down people that I once yearned for because I suddenly awoke to their true colors.

There is too much beauty to be held down or back by dumb motherfuckers who expect the world (and my pussy) handed to them on a golden platter. I am a strong and powerful creature who cannot be swayed. With this power you must help others who still feel weak. Help others when their “NO” isn’t being heard, we need to stand up for each other, check in if you see someone in distress.

I was once driving down the street and saw a girl running away and getting screamed at by a man, I stopped and asked her if she needed my help, told her she could get in the car, that I was a safe space. She said she was fine, he does this all the time, and that she was in no danger. WHAT? Clearly whatever he is trying to do to you is making you physically run away from him.

Never be that woman, never let some strange misguided love make abuse OK, ABUSE IS NOT OK! Ever! Nothing I said would get this woman in my car, nothing I could do would make her respect herself and stop the cycle. She probably has a child with him, thinks she is trapped, nobody else will love her. WRONG!

My best friend left an abusive relationship and is now married to the love of her life, a beautiful and kind man, she has a child and so did he, now they are having another to complete their family. There is always somebody else. An abuser is not a lover, if they hurt you GO, no matter how hard it feels reach out and you will have support.

Say yes to the good things in life, say yes to the people who you want to say yes to. Say yes to positive experiences and new adventures. Be happy and spread happiness and kindness to all the others you meet. We live in a world where women have to fight off sexual advances and assault on the regular.

I don’t go a day without a cat call or unsolicited yuck. Fuck that yuck. Empower yourself and others by staying strong to your convictions. Teach others to hold their heads up high and not be swayed by anything but their own hearts and minds.

headphones

These days, many women walk around playing with their phones or other devices like they’re people with lives and interests and hobbies and friends. Often they’re wearing headphones, presumably listening to Lilith Fair playlists on Spotify or podcasts about diva cups.

This means they’re not interested in being talked to by men they don’t know, and you should leave them alone.

Or does it?

Some of these women might be in serious relationships or be lesbians or maybe they’re just not looking for anything right now. Some of them could be giant bees disguised as humans and to anger them might put you in danger of being swarmed by the entire hive. In any of these cases, particularly the latter, it’s probably best to just give them a wide berth and go on your merry way.

But a lot of women wearing headphones on the bus or at the mall or while out for a jog are just waiting for you to stop them and talk to them. Why? Because the headphones they’re wearing are actually cursed relics, and they’re completely bound and under a power other than their own. They’d welcome a confident, easy-going man coming along and motioning for them to remove their headphones so that he may talk to them. And banish the malevolent spirit inhabiting those headphones back to the nightmarish hellscape from whence it came.

What To Do To Get Her Attention

  1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 metres between you). Any less than this and you risk the demon presence’s aural tendrils latching to your eyes and the tip of your penis and draining the life force from within you, leaving you a dried-out husk and it more powerful than ever before.
  2. Hold whichever blessed vestige you intend to use to quell her curse in a confident, easy-going manner.
  3. If she hasn’t already raised her unnatural gaze toward you, simply flourish the Sword of Magisterial Truth before the dead galaxies which were once her eyes, until they meet yours. Begin to chant your litany. She most likely won’t be able to hear you, but it’s just a way of showing her that you’re trying to wrestle her everlasting soul from the malediction which has plagued her lo these many years.
  4. Once you do have her attention, by proxy of the unholy horror whose grip she is ensorcelled by, continue your sacred invocation with renewed fervor. The profane demigod who is controlling her will undoubtedly assault you with a barrage of visions of your family being tortured and dismembered in ways so unimaginable and horrific that your overwhelming instinct will be to fall prostrate in supplication and surrender for eternity to the void. But do not let your confident, easy-going manner waver, this is just how many women play hard to get and test a man’s persistence.
  5. Once the terrible spirit begins to physically manifest itself, the battle is almost won. It is now time to use against it the sacrosanct items you have brought to dispel it from our dimension forever. Be mindful that some malicious deities’ corporeal forms must be pierced by a divine implement, while others can only be defeated by having their own magic turned back against them. If the latter is the case, make sure you have with you an enchanted mirror or crystal. Also, don’t forget to keep things flirty.

For example, in a shopping mall or behind a corrupted church where dark rites are frequently performed:

You: [Smile confident and easy-goingly] HEAR ME, GROTESQUE HELLSPAWN! I HAVE COME TO SMITE YOUR COUNTENENCE FROM THIS HALLOWED PLANE! BY WHAT RUBRIC DO YOU COMMAND YOUR CATASTROPHE?

Woman: Jessica.

You: [Add in some playful banter to get a spark going between you] COOL TO MEET YOU, JESSICA. I DON’T NORMALLY EXORCISE GIRLS WITH HEADPHONES, BUT YOURS ARE FIERY PILLARS THREATENING TO CAUSE THE FIRMAMENT TO CRASH DOWN UPON US ALL AND BEGET OUR RUIN.

Woman: [Possibly sputtering an incomprehensible guttural language, spewing thick noxious fumes] Hi.

If it’s clear that she’s interested in battling with you for the very future of humankind, sit and chat with her for a bit before getting her phone number and rending the fabric of existence to exile her malignant spectral puppeteer.

Common Mistakes That Guys Make When Approaching Women Wearing Cursed Headphones

  1. Not knowing what kind of curse they’re up against

One of the biggest mistakes guys make when approaching a woman wearing cursed headphones is not having done his research. Knowing the difference between an ancient Sumerian curse and an ancient Phoenician one can mean the difference between saving your town or having all the liquid in your body burst through your flesh in every direction at once. This isn’t amateur hour, so if you don’t want every child born on earth for the next two hundred years to be stunted goat-goblins, read your grimoires, guys. It’s all in there.

  1. Not being confident and easy-going

You should have a confident, easy-going manner.

  1. Taking “No” for an answer

Whether it’s winning a vicious confrontation with an all-consuming eidolon or winning the heart of a beautiful young woman, the key is always persistence. If she won’t take those headphones off, keep trying. Women are attracted to unwavering, borderline-threatening determination in men, and demons fear it. So don’t allow “no” to even be part of your vocabulary. Unless, of course, you’re uttering the phrase “erok aanul no fadeem kruul” as part of your cantrip to excommunicate a powerful apparition back to N’eleth Tul, in which case obviously the ritual won’t work without it.

With all these tips, you should be well on your way to seeking out and talking to women wearing cursed headphones and breaking the curses forced upon them. Of course, not every woman wearing headphones is wearing cursed headphones, but the only way to find out for sure is to get out there, be confident and easy-going, talk to them, and see what happens when you throw the mystical astral powder into their eyes that you obtained from that high-ranking necromancer!

Photo by cinnamon_girl via Flickr

Ed’s Note: In case you don’t know and think Johnny Scott has lost it, this article is a parody of a really terrible post on another site. We don’t want to give them direct traffic, but Google “How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones” and you’ll find it. Also, yes, Johnny Scott did in fact lose it a few years ago, but apparently has found it again. When we find out exactly what “it” is, we’ll let you know.

me and tiff kids

How Can a Woman Feel Safe When Men are like Brock Turner?

Brock Turner you are what is wrong with this world… I remember his name but not his victim. Every woman is hurt when a man gets off easy. Just like every black person is hurt when a cop gets off clean after an unjust racist murder or every child is hurt when a child molesting priest is set free with no consequence. If you are a regular reader I apologize because I have said this all before, but it can’t be said enough, can’t be stressed too much until change happens and every woman feels safe.

I was cleaning at the hostel I work in today and a random guy staying there said “Why don’t you just get married so you can do this every day? Clean and have a man not talk to you, feed him, ect.” He was definitely joking, and he grabbed my attention and not my ass, but I was still mortified that those words came out of his mouth.

You look good cleaning girl, in the kitchen, on your hands and knees scrub a dub dub, apron on, shoes off, make babies, treat your man as a king, darlin’. There was definitely a cultural disconnect there, you don’t say shit like that, dude.

I then said to him that all I need is my cats. Cats and dildos are all a woman needs to supplement men, maybe a bag of weed and some red wine to top it off. Love, affection, something that never goes soft or gets tired, and green happiness.

This masculine aggression goes beyond humans, I see it in my own cats even. We have one female cat, Miss Lola, and she is often chased down and picked on by the larger male cats. She holds her own, but she shouldn’t have to.

I am not saying because it is engrained in their being that its ok, it is NOT OK. These men are a product of society and bad parenting, but need to rise above that to prosper, even the feline men need to check themselves.

Misogny and heteronormativity are wrong and create unhealthy situations. If you are a heterosexual man you need to respect women. If you are a human being you must respect other human beings (animals too, but that’s not what this blog is about).

Would you want someone to treat your mother or sister the way you do? Imagine if you got cat called, “Hey baby your dick looks great in those jeans!” “You gotta number baaabeee? You look even sexier if you smile. Where you going? You gotta girl? I wanna taste that.”

I enjoy being a powerful girl, I am fucked with less because of my size and overt confidence. You can’t roofie me because I am too heavy to carry.

Men can be frightening. When I am alone on a dark street I feel a blanket of fear come over me if a man approaches me. If I saw a woman I would think, what is she doing alone? She’s living her fucking life.

Sometimes you get out of work late and have to walk to a bus stop alone, that is not an invitation. She should not have to be afraid, but we have all read about the horror stories of girls walking alone at night and what that means.

me and dadGirls are raised in fear, our fathers tell us never to go places alone because they worry about what other men will do to us. My dad is the most incredible, kind, strong, compassionate man in the world. He is a shining example of a good man. There are a few left. I think that’s also why I love gay men so much, they never treat me like an object, just a human.

Last night I went to the ATM (no, not ass to mouth, you pervert) to deposit rent money with my roomie. As her and I approached the bank there was a large man out front asking for money “homeless veteran trying to get through the night,” we both politely said no but he stood out there watching from behind the glass.

In any other situation I am here to help you, sir, I serve the homeless, I love you, just DO NOT accost me in front of a bank at 1AM. Another man then entered the room (one of those ATMs that you swipe your card to gain access. Again, we were immediately on guard. We had a large amount of cash and were trying to figure our shit out, and all we can both think of is will one of these men rob us?

Fortunately not every man is a rapist and murderer. The second man who came to use the ATM asked us if we wanted him to wait for us. We were creeped out by him because thats what we have come to expect from men. We were threatened because of his appearance. He was actually being a gentleman, also concerned about the man outside.

It was a sweet sentiment, he knew what we must have been thinking. He knew that being women alone at night was scary. Like anything you cannot judge a book by its cover, or just assume that any one kind of person is always bad. Being sexist is just as evil as racism. I don’t cower and get scared every time a person of a different race walks by me at night.

Being a woman in this day and age is scary. We live in a world where rapists are not even punished for their crimes. Brock Turner raped a woman, got a slap on the wrist, and didn’t even serve the entirety of his minuscule sentence.

He is an “accomplished” white athlete, therefore girls must want to be raped by his creepy little pencil dick. Men tell me to smile and call me sweetheart on the daily, condescending, putting me in my cute lil place. Am I asking for it because I don’t run away screaming RAPE?!

debt collection

Of all the burdens one can carry, none is more anxiety-inducing than debt. Paying it off can be a Sisyphean task aggravated by the automated phone calls and nagging threats of debt collectors. People lose sleep over debt worries, while others fall into a depression, and the worst cases commit suicide. There are many ways to manage one’s debts and part of it is knowing how to manage debt collectors.

The best way to do that is to know what your rights are.

The rules regarding debt collection in Quebec are primarily in the Act Respecting the Collection of Certain Debts (the Act). Enacted in nineteen seventy-nine, it has a clear set of rules debt collectors must follow. If they don’t follow the rules, they have to pay fines ranging from three hundred to eighty thousand dollars.

Here are all the things debt collectors are not allowed to do.

The debt collector can’t make false or misleading representations to collect a debt. That means they can’t say, for example, claim that your kid won’t get health care if you don’t pay up – something that’s impossible because we have public health care.

The debt collector can’t claim that if you don’t pay the debt you’ll be arrested and go to jail. You can’t be sent to jail if you are not charged, tried, and convicted of a crime. Canada does not throw debtors into prison.

The collection agent can’t communicate with you if you’ve informed your creditor(s) in writing that you are contesting the debt. They also can’t contact you if you’ve informed them in writing that you want them to communicate with your lawyer from here on in. The exception to this is if your creditor is the Government, which can start nagging you about a debt within a hundred and twenty days following their sending of a letter demanding payment.

Your creditors and their agents can’t use threats, harassment, or intimidation. That means that they cannot threaten you with bodily harm, repeatedly follow you or your loved ones around, or repeatedly communicate with you or your loved ones in a way that will make your fear for you or your loved ones’ safety. If a creditor tries any of these methods, they’ll not only face fines under the Act, but they can also face charges of criminal harassment and threats, which could result in a prison sentence. Do not be afraid to call the police on a debt collector that acts in this way, but remember that threatening to exercise their right to collect a debt does not constitute a threat as per the law.

Collection agents can’t disclose information that might cause injury to you or your loved ones.

They cannot collect or claim more money than the value of the debt.

They are not allowed to present you with a document that could be mistaken for one used, authorised, or issued by a tribunal, government, or any agency acting on their behalf. That means that a debt collector can’t, for example, hand you a phony court order claiming that it’s the real thing when it isn’t in an attempt to pressure you to pay your debt.

The debt collector cannot claim money from anyone other than you and someone who co-signed the loan. If you took out a loan and your mother co-signed, collection agents can only go after you and your mother. They can’t go after your wife or kids if they didn’t sign on to help repay the loan should you be in default of payment.

Collection agents are not allowed to verbally communicate with a person they think might be the debtor and who has previously told them is not the right person.

They are not allowed to contact your spouse, family members, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, and employers to collect your debt. However, collection agents are allowed to contact your employer to find out your phone number and home address so they can contact you. They are not allowed to contact you or your guarantor at work without you or your guarantor’s express authorisation.

They are not allowed to contact you on Sunday and on holidays, and they can only contact you between 8 am and 8 pm.

When collection agents contact you to collect a debt, they are legally bound to identify themselves as debt collectors.

Though debt collectors can be scary, it must be said that their jobs are not easy. They are no doubt used to being loathed and hung up on, and within our current economy getting debts repaid is undoubtedly difficult.

Phone numbers can be blocked and with it being almost impossible for people to find long term employment, most people cannot afford to pay off their debts in the time creditors would like. Despite the threats of debt collectors, the worst thing that can happen to you if you don’t pay on time is your credit score will go down and/or they’ll sue you for the amount of the debt and any legal costs, making it harder to get an apartment, a car, business loan, or mortgage.

You’ll still have your freedom and health care if you need it so you can work hard and pay off your debt.

* Featured image by Sean Macentee, Creative Commons

Demasduit, one of the last Beothucks of Newfoundland.

The federal government decided to get involved in the campaign to return the remains of two members of the Beothuck Nation, currently exposed in an Edinburgh Museum, to their native Newfoundland.

Chief Mi’sel Joe, of the Conne River Mi’kmaq band, and the Newfoundland and Labrador government have been trying for years to repatriate the skulls and burial goods of two members of the extinct indigenous nation of Beothucks.  The vestiges were taken from a grave site in Newfoundland in 1828.

The National Museum of Scotland had responded that it would only consider a claim made by the federal government in association with a Canadian National Museum. So Ottawa quietly joined the fight.

On Wednesday, CBC News got hold of a letter written by Heritage Minister Mélanie Joly to the director of National Museums Scotland (the parent association of the National Museum of Scotland, which is in Edinburgh).

“As the Government of Canada is committed to reconciliation with its Indigenous peoples, I am writing to inform you that it is now involved in this matter,” said the letter. “The Government of Canada considers this matter to be of considerable importance.”

The message was sent on May 29, as a notification to the NMS that Canada intended to put in an official request to claim the Beothuck remnants. CBC just got access to it through the Access to Information Act.

Chief Mi’sel Joe, the most prominent figure of the campaign, was happy and surprised to learn that Ottawa had taken this unusual initiative, reported CBC.

The Fascinating History of Beothucks

The Beothucks were the original inhabitants of Newfoundland. They cohabited with the Mi’kmaqs, and for a while, with European settlers before being declared extinct in 1829. There is no doubt that the arrival of the Europeans played a great role in their extinction, which certain historians call a genocide.

The remains currently in Edinburgh are those of Nonosabasut and his wife Demasduit, believed to be the aunt and uncle of the last known Beothuck, a woman named Shanawdithit. Their story is quite fascinating.

In 1818, conflicts between settlers and Beothucks were frequent in Newfoundland. One night, in retaliation for the theft of their fishing equipment, the local colony sent nine armed men to storm a Beothuck camp near Exploits River. Demasduit, wife of the leader Nonosabasut, was captured. Her husband was killed while trying to protect her and her infant son died a few days after.

Demasduit was taken into the colony and lived with a priest who gave her the white name of Mary March. Some unsuccessful attempts have been made to return her to her tribe in the summer of 1819. She died of tuberculosis one year later. Her body was retrieved by her tribe and placed in a burial hut, beside her husband and child.

According to Wikipedia, there was only 31 Beothucks remaining at that time. A Scottish explorer found the bones and other vestiges about nine year later.

Why so Quiet?

A briefing note addressed to Joly (presumably also accessed through the Access to Information Act) said that getting involved in the repatriation of the remains in Scotland “would be consistent with the government’s commitment toward reconciliation with Canada’s Aboriginal people… Return of these remains, or a concerted effort to have them returned, would be a high profile demonstration of that commitment.”

This begs the question of why this high profile demonstration has been exceptionally discreet so far. It’s possible that they wanted to avoid the diplomatic complications of a highly publicized feud between Scottish Museums and the Canadian government.

“The department is still assembling all of the elements required by the trustees of the museum in Edinburgh, in order to ensure the case is complete and as strong as possible,” said Pierre-Olivier Herbert, spokesperson for the department of Heritage.

Other Remains in Canada

It’s also possible that they didn’t want to wake the sleeping matter of the remains of 22 Beothucks in possession of various Canadian museums. In 2012, Mi’sel Joe had declared to the CBC that returning those remains to Newfoundland is “the respectful and right thing to do, for anyone.”  At the time, Ottawa’s Canadian Museum of History, where the remains of ten individuals lie, had named lack of resources as the reason for their failure to be proactive in the matter.

According to more recent statements of spokeswoman Éliane Laberge, they have received no formal request from Indigenous groups.

* Featured Image: A portrait of Demasduit, one of the last Beothucks of Newfoundland

bike-montreal

A young cyclist died after a collision with a truck on Monday afternoon in Montreal. The driver didn’t see the 24 year old woman when he made a right-turn at the intersection of Iberville and Rosemont. The opposition in City Council, along with advocacy group Vélo-Québec, are calling, once again, for enhanced protective measures for cyclists.

“It’s terrible,” said Luc Ferrandez from Projet Montréal, as quoted by Radio-Canada. “We are lagging behind. And Mayor Coderre is the mayor of these citizens who are getting hurt and who are dying. He should do something.”

Coderre responded by underscoring the work that is already being done on some intersections to make their configuration safer for cyclists. He also reminded the opposition that some changes have already been implanted in the existing regulations (namely law 107).

The issue keeps resurfacing as accidents keep happening. A few times a year, a cyclist gets run over and the city council promises that they are working on ensuring fair and safe sharing of the road.

Now, there is another phantom-bike to add to the city’s rapidly growing collection.  At the rate we’re going, they will soon be as much of a banal part of our urban landscape as the infamous orange cones.

Rising Accident Rates

Montreal is by far the Canadian city with the biggest number of cyclists and the largest number of bicycle lanes. While there is no doubt that Montreal’s bike culture is alive and well, the same can’t be said for its cyclists.

The number of bicycles on the road is on the rise and so are the number of accidents. There were 763 recorded bike accidents in 2015, including three lethal ones: a 16% increase compared to the previous year.

In fact, a study published in 2015 crowned the city as the Canadian queen of bike accidents. According to the Pembina Institute, Montreal has seven bike accidents for every 100 000 rides; much more than all the other large population centres in the country. In fact, a bike ride in Montreal is seven times more likely to come to a brutal end than it is in Vancouver.

These findings were based on data from 2008. However, considering that both the number of bicycles on the road and the rate of accidents have risen since then, the current numbers are probably even worse.

We Need to Keep Up

But wait, isn’t Montreal the most bike-friendly city in North-America, or something? Well, it was.

In 2013, Montreal ranked as the 13th most bike-friendly city of the world in the Copenhagenize Index. It was the only North American city in the top 20. But we’ve been slipping since then and Minneapolis (Minnesota) has surpassed us.

Montreal desperately clings to the 20th spot in this year’s ranking.

As population growth and air pollution put more and more pressure on urban centres, cities around the world are wising up. Investing in biking infrastructure is not progressive and cool anymore; it’s necessary.  It seems that our political leaders have failed to recognize that in today’s context, not going forward means falling behind.

Quebec’s ambitious plan of reducing its greenhouse gas emission by 38% in the next 14 years does not even contain any consideration for encouraging cycling as alternative transportation. And the strategy it put forward instead to address car-related pollution is being called into question.

According to the City of Montreal’s own numbers, there are now 1.3 Million bike riders on the Island. Consideration for their safety should amount to more than a couple of days of indignation after every tragic accident.

Getting our respectable number of protected lanes connected into a coherent network, and, for the love of God, ensuring their proper maintenance, would be a great place to start.

As the Copenhagenize Index recommends:

“Better winter maintenance is a must, cycle tracks along main arteries should be a no-brainer (especially with the shocking state of the asphalt on the roads), and feel free to borrow traffic-calming inspiration from Paris and Barcelona.”

* Featured image: homeexchange.com

brexit video food

The British vote to exit from the UK, better known as Brexit, which took place a few months ago, is admittedly quite a complex issue. Many have tried to explain it in terms of history , socio-economic conditions and politics, but none have tried to explain it with food. That is, until now.

With their new video How to Make Cucumber Sandwiches, Töad Meädow, a collective based outside Buffalo, New York, does just that. The group “wants to encourage people to become producers of artistic content, rather than rampant consumers” and with this video they’re doing just that.

It’s a funny, sometimes irreverant, take on Brexit, mixed in with a brief history of other places leaving the UK. There’s even a bit on the Levesque-era Quebec sovereignty movement.

The short film was directed by Damon Hudac and produced by Melissa Campbell, who also appears in it. They hope to “bring light to this enormously important world event,” according to a press statement:

“We would like many people to see and talk about it. Basically, through history, many countries have attempted to separate from the UK as well as many other groups separating from their larger oppressive controlers. This is a light hearted look with a very serious message.”

Also, you really should cut off the bread crust. Enjoy!

Katinka Hosszu, Hungarian swimmer and Olympic gold-medallist

From French commentators calling Japanese gymnasts “little pikachus” to media systematically crediting male coaches for female athletes’ achievements, the coverage of the 2016 Olympics is accumulating mishaps. Not that it’s anything new.

Once every two years, sport journalists are thrust in a spotlight of epic proportions. Every media tries to make the most of it, scrambling to find a commentator who has the faintest idea about the rules of slalom canoeing. Not only are mistakes bound to happen, but they are bound to be heard by a greater audience than ever.

One of the most disturbing effect of all this live, unfiltered, commentary are some shockingly racist comments appearing on national television. France Télévisions’ Thomas Bouhail kept comparing Japanese gymnasts to pokemons and mangas. CBC’s Byron MacDonald had to apologize after saying a Chinese swimmer “died like a pig.”

The lack of technical knowledge is forgivable. As a gymnastics fan, hearing nonsense like “piked salto with straddled legs” about a bar release certainly makes me wince, but I have to appreciate the challenge of commenting on sports – especially ones you only have a passable knowledge of – in real time.

What I take offence to is commentators who palliate their lack of knowledge with relentless remarks about every competitor’s age, appearance or nationality that are redundant, irrelevant and bordering on prejudice.

Take young Chinese gymnast Wan Yang. She was wonderfully consistent in Rio, qualified for two of the four event finals and came sixth all-around. Listening to Radio-Canada’s announcers, though, you would think that the most interesting thing about her is that she is 4’6″.

I swear more than half of their commentary about Chinese women’s gymnastics was an extended exercise in variations of the terms small or tiny. The rest of it was mostly preconceived notions about what China was good or bad at with little regard to what was actually happening at the moment.

I particularly resent one commentator discoursing on the lack of artistic delivery, amplitude and good connections in Chinese floor while Yang delivered a brilliant performance that presented none of these problems. The same commentator, in a remarkable impression of a well-meaning but obnoxious uncle, exclaimed that Yang “looks 12 or 13, ahahahah.”

Radio-Canada is not a lone sinner. It’s amazing how much of the coverage of women’s artistic gymnastics is still a long-exhausted running commentary on how young and tiny gymnasts are.

Not only is it annoying and besides the point, it’s deeply rooted in racial and gender bias.

How often have you heard about the height of male gymnasts, this year (yes, male gymnasts too are notably short)? Which brings us to Olympic coverage’s other most enraging aspect:

Ubiquitous Sexism

The world of sport journalism is very unwelcoming to women, be they athletes or journalists.

Has this issue been explored before?

Multiple times.

Do we need to keep talking about it?

Well, let’s take a look at a couple of things that actually happened in the last two weeks:

dempsey pretty penny

  • Canadian swimmer Penny Oleksiak breaks an Olympic record and wins four medals: Toronto Sun’s cover gives her the nickname “Pretty Penny.”
  • American Corey Cogdell wins a bronze medal in trapshooting (her second one in three Olympics): Chicago Tribune refers to her as “wife of a Bears’ lineman” in a tweet, omitting her name.
  • Majlinda Kelmendi wins the first Olympic medal for Kosovo, in 52Kg Judo: A BBC commentator calls the final a catfight.
  • Women’s rugby sevens make their debut at the Olympics: France TV’s commentary includes a consultant calling the French players “little darlings” and saying they are cuter and more feminine than the Americans.

I recommend you devote four minutes of your time to have a look at this spot from Vox’s Wide World of Sexism (I promise you it’s worth it).

Why are Olympic commentators so bad at commenting on women’s sports? Probably because they never do it.

A Canadian study published this year highlighted how little attention women’s sports usually get. In 2014, National newspapers only devoted 5,1% of their sports coverage to women’s sports. National sports channels had similar performances.

This is despite the fact that Canadian female athletes have excelled more than ever on the international scene in the past couple of years. As of this morning, women have won 14 of Canada’s 18 medals in Rio. Nonetheless, according to the same study, 99,5% of sponsorship sums are still awarded to male athletes.

Female athletes who actually make it to the news don’t have it that much easier. Another recent study by Cambridge University Press analyzed 20 years and seven billion words of media coverage of male and female athletes.  They found striking differences in the vocabulary used to describe them.

Male athletes were found to be often described with words like strong, fastest or great. Words often associated with their female counterparts included married, unmarried and pregnant.

Women in sports were likely to be referred to as ladies or girls, whereas the terms boys and gentlemen were rarely used.

The researchers also observed a particularity in the usage of the word women. We talk about Women’s football, women’s golf, women’s cycling. But we never see men’s football or men’s golf, do we? Usain Bolt won the 100 meter dash. Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce won the women’s 100 meter dash.

BBC’s John Inverdale gave a prime example of the mentality this is linked to when he asked Andy Murray how it felt to be the first person ever to win two Olympic golds in tennis. Because Serena and Venus Williams won about four each… in Women’s tennis.

Women are a huge part of sports. They should be a huge part of the coverage of sports too.

*Featured image from the Nirvana News Youtube Channel

creeper

I often feel like the creepy guy in the corner jerking off.

How did I get here? (This is not my beautiful wife, this is not my beautiful house…) Do they notice I am here? I feel different, and that sometimes socially isolates me. I oogle at the other burlesque dancers. Beauties, pure delight, smooth skin, perfect shapes and proportion. The best asses in town topped with the sweetest personalities around. They are all anybody’s definition of physical perfection. I’d eat from their shoes.

wayne and garth

I constantly feel the need to yell “I AM NOT WORTHY!” like Wayne and Garth at the feet of rockstars. In awe of my surroundings.  My life is truly blessed.

 

dominatrix burlesque

Look deeper, listen to them talk and laugh, spill about their own insecurities and bullshit. These people that I idolize, hold with such a high standard, are at the end of the day just normal people who poop and bleed, putting their tassels on one at a time like everyone else.

We are all humans: “beautiful” and “ugly” are relative, we all see a different monster when we look in the mirror. Everyone is so preoccupied with their own flaws that they cease to even notice yours. That is why caring about what others think of you is really stupid, we need to take care of ourselves and not give in.

sexy freaks

Wish I was faster and less depressed by others’ happiness. I am a lump covered in strange skin lesions, I am fat, I am smelly, I have hairy armpits, and an inch of roots on my bleached out hair. I am nothing like these visions of glory, I am a slob, a festering pile of yuck.

I AM BEAUTIFUL! 

trollKnow that because we are not perfect we inspire others who are not perfect to love themselves too. It is a responsibility to show the world that no matter what you look like you have the right to be accepted and celebrated.

You too can lead a glorious existence! I remember once saying “I am a troll” out loud, and I was literally dressing up like a goon. Dumb. Why do I even care about what society likes? Life is a freakshow attraction. People like me regardless of how well I play by the rules, the art outside the lines is impactful.

Fun fact, did you know there is a thing called soaking? It is when you insert the penis into the vagina and just let it chill. It hangs out until it cums, no thrusting necessary.

That sounds pointless. Literally just getting your dick wet doesn’t sound remotely enjoyable. Its like what happens when a gay man and a lesbian try to make a baby, are we there yet? I told you we should have used a turkey baster.

I always thought it would be funny to have like 10 butch lesbians with turkey basters full of jizz squirting them all on one guy, lesbukkake anyone? Let’s turn those tables. Break down hetero-normativity in every single way. I am a squirter, so it definitely feels powerful to get to jizz on someone, I get it.

I am going to be thirty this year, dirty thirty, that means my egg timer is almost up and I should be looking for a good god fearing white man of similar or hopefully higher socioeconomic status to make mutant republican babies with and move to the suburbs where my dreams can rot in a three bedroom ranch.

I want to spend my dirty thirty with thirty of my most down ass friends covered in shit. Literal feces. It will be the dirtiest party of them all. I am already borderline incontinent, last night I drunkenly peed on my feet while trying to relieve myself in an ally.

I held a frozen burrito under my arm, being denied bathroom access at the store I took it upon myself to wash their sidewalk with a flood of golden glory. Never going to top drunkenly peeing on church steps and not getting laid because I totally didn’t wipe though. That takes the cake. Chocolate cake brown like the shit stains in my Zubaz.

animal house

I am a creep, watching women undress in front of me, feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed there. That’s how I feel when people show me affection, I can’t believe this vision of loveliness wants ME?! You sure you got the right guy?

I watch from a distance while other people get off. I have sat in my car and watched people fuck with an open window. I once sat on a roof overlooking an office building and watched a guy jerk off at 2am. Photos of his family were hung on the walls. I still wonder what kind of kinky shit he was watching. I’m sure it was the gayest scat fisting gang bang porn imaginable.

alphaeus-philemon-cole-peeping-tom

Peeping Toms and shower windows make a great pair. I was recently sitting on my friend’s porch, drinking beers, smoking some jazz cigarettes, shooting the shit, sun setting, ya know stoop life at its finest. And all of a sudden I look up and notice a frosted window on the second floor of the house next to us with a light on.

Suddenly one shadow appears, then a second. It is easy to decipher that this is a shower, they each wash off, and easier to notice that the couple started to have sex. You could see the outline of her breasts and ass, I could not see his boner shadow though, bummer. Sexy silhouette sex right in front of my peeping eyes, we were all wide eyed.

The slap heard around the world made me think they knew we were watching, if we can hear them they can also hear us. It was a short fuck, it seemed fake, like in Austin Powers when he was making shadow scenes look dirty. I kept feeling like I was going to get Punk’d.

I like this channel.

kiss me

Usually I know what I want as soon as I see it. With things it is easy, just buy or steal it. With people it’s different, there are things like consent and the need for mutual attraction to contend with. Being denied is one of the most terrifying things there is. It can feel overwhelming or embarrassing to put yourself out there, to make yourself vulnerable.

Wanting, yearning, waiting, waiting…. why wait when you can take? Why wait when life is so precious and short? The time is now, life cannot be wasted on waiting for things to happen to you. If you want someone, tell them! Obviously consent is the key, if you put it out there and they want it then you got the dream. If not you can move on, no more wasting time on yearning for someone who doesn’t feel the same.

Making the first move is all about reading the signs, a person’s body language says it all. How is the conversation? Light and upbeat is a good flow, don’t get too heavy and definitely don’t mention your ex or that you are on a quest for true love.

Are they making eye contact? Eye contact equals confidence. Is there any touch? Are they listening to you? There is no reason to go straight to number one, ease into things. While being slutty is fun, if you really like someone take it slow. Hugs, touching on the leg or shoulder, or anywhere else can be as erogenous as sex. Being flirty and direct on your intentions is a wonderful start to any new romance.

i want you

I have been in situations where I was attracted to someone for several years before making any kind of move. Even when I get shot down I take it in stride.

I have been told that I am intimidating. I need to stop thinking that people are out of my league, we are all on the same team, humans trying to touch each other’s butts. Yes or No, you like me back or I can finally move on.

That first kiss is something that you will never forget if you do it right. I remember my first First Kiss, I was 14 and innocent. I was walking with a group of friends and one of the guys told me I was beautiful, I responded with “It’s Dark” and then he kissed me. It was sloppy and fast, I have never been the same since.

I liked it, a lot. We made out in a basement that night. That much physical contact and teenage lustiness was astounding to me. I remember our tongues wrestling and me not knowing how to deal with the drool.

My favorite memories in life are those moments right before a first kiss. Things are going good, this beautiful human is here with me, they want this too, uncertainty melts away when they lean in or don’t run away when you advance. There is a surge of electricity, a sickness in your guts, you feel like there is about to be an explosion and your body will turn into rays of sunshine and music.

YES, THEY WANT IT! Your lips lock, tongues twist, licking, sucking, biting, nuzzling, smiling between breathes, as subtle waves of loveliness envelope your existence and justify all of the butterflies. Worth the wait, you linger. Wondering why it took so long, but happy that you waited for the perfect moment.

romanceFuck the concept of a perfect moment. I often wait for the stars to align, hoping that the right person will just appear, ready and willing, in my arms. It’s better to reach out and grab what you want, in the case of love bad things happen to those who wait.

I have sat by and watched too many people get “found” by someone else. I may have loved them for years, but due to my fears they never knew. If I could have just opened my mouth maybe they would have opened their hearts?

Instead they now “belong” to a new lover, which is a hard concept for me to wrap my fingers around. Love is not ownership, it is companionship, it is wanting to share adventures and help each other through tribulations.

I would never want to be in a relationship that stifled any part of my being. It is about celebrating each other and continuing to keep doing what it is that makes you wonderful.

Years pass, crushes come and go, you are still there, I am slow. I want to squeeze you tight. That girl kept talking, all I wanted her to do was start walking so I could “say goodnight.” Finally she left without a fight. I leaned into the car and onto those perfect lips. I wished it would have lasted longer, but it felt like pure magic. I was bursting from the seams, skipping down the street with joy. I did it! Now it’s all I can think of. I feel so scared that I want to run! I want to run my fingers down every inch of your perfect porcelain skin, put my face in the dark places of your loveliness.

I don’t know how to navigate relationships. I feel like a little kid chasing the ice cream truck and it never stops. The music taunting me, the dollar bill in my hand getting sweaty, pressed up against my handle bars.

I can’t expect anyone to make the first move, nobody can read my mind. Put yourself out there, don’t let fear ruin or consume you. If you like someone tell them! Tell them twice, tell them everyday. Treat every kiss like a first kiss.

make a wish

That moment when you know it isn’t going to last forever but you don’t want it to end. It’s sad, but it’s life. Not everything is meant to be, not for forever or even right now, not everyone is in on the fairy tale.

It is easy to wish for impossible things.

Even if it’s wonderfully magical, if it hurts someone else it’s wrong. Love is supposed to uplift the world around you, not to cause you happiness at the expense of another.

You need to take care of others and make sure your actions will not negatively effect another person, especially one you love and respect. There is an action and reaction to everything, we are all part of the same delicate system of lust and heartbreak, love and that looming goodbye.

Some love is fleeting, ending only moments after it began, other times it takes weeks, months, or maybe even years to die. Even people who are married or in long term relationships might not REALLY be happy, sometimes people literally or figuratively stay together for the kids.

The “kids”may be actual children, pets, a house, social status, religious beliefs, money, comfort, pure laziness, or even really good sex.

Romeo and Juilet remind me of some of my recent affairs, destined to never really be together. There is no possible way this can work, not even true love can defy death (or in my case the bro code).

I have met people and knew instantly that I would love them, I can also read people well and know when I don’t have a snowballs chance in hell. Crushes are meant to be crushed.

There have also been some sleepers, people I dismissed as a romantic interest instantly friend zoning them, just to later find that there was some weird secret spark between us. It wasn’t always love at first sight, sometimes it is love upon insight.

Not every person looks like they could be your “type,” but what exactly is a type anyways? It’s bullshit. People are more than what they look like or seem to be. Sure I have seen an attractive person and felt instant connections,but that doesn’t mean they are love at first sight material. It’s complicated.

Extended eye contact, intense conversation, not nervous until you realize this could be it. Then it all goes downhill from there.

I always want what I can’t have. Is that why other girl’s boyfriends are more appealing to girls? That internal competition, survival of the fittest. The fight for survival.

I am an only child, so I can be a little bit self centered sometimes. I can’t have everything. Some people don’t find me sexy and that’s OK, it’s their prerogative. I don’t want to jump into bed with ever schmuck who wants me either.

It needs to go both ways. They need to love me and must reciprocate for it to work. It’s hard to hear that someone doesn’t find you attractive, but that’s how the cookie crumbles.

I can’t help but to attack my physical looks whenever I get denied. Well if I wasn’t so fat maybe he would love me, ect. I know that’s crap and not to take it personally but it is hard.

ethical slutLet’s just be friends, implies that we were more (are more) and now it’s over, at least in the traditional sense. Benefits? We can fuck but no emotions are allowed. This is difficult for me to grasp. All sex is based on emotional connection for me.

I recently tried the detached booty call thing and felt really empty afterwards. The lack of kissing and cuddling disturbed me. Polyamory is confusing, so is hookup culture.

I wanted more, I yearned for a deeper connection that I knew we just didn’t have.

Like a one night stand should, I left right after. It felt damn good, I just wanted to cuddle more and maybe round two, but felt awkwardly passive.

Then on the other hand I found someone that I did have a connection with, but due to circumstances, we could not be together. The sort of “naughtiness” and secretive beginnings made everything feel nice, but unfortunately for me and my conscience I knew it had to stop.

stripteasers are the funniestWahh wahhhh. On another planet things might have been different. For now I will just sit here with my horniness. I keep telling myself I can’t be sad when you move on, but also that I know I can get what I want elsewhere.

I have a track record of falling for my friends too. I get so nervous about being rejected that I allow myself to be instantly friend zoned.

I am fucking amazing, especially at being a friend. It’s easy for me to make life long connections. My lack of confidence is astounding, I can never make the first move or seal the deal with a person I am interested in. I can’t use magic to make someone love me either, if it is not consensual I don’t want it.

What is that shit? Either we can have no strings attached sex with those we don’t love or no sex with those we do love. I want a middle ground, I need both, I want the connection and the sextin.

I can wait. Happiness is worth it. I will go through a hundred someones before I find the ultimate one, if that’s a real thing, even then it might just be for now. Lust or bust.