Ho Ho Ho… Celebrate your freedom!

Here are the top 10 reasons (in no particular order) why it’s better to be single during the holidaze.

10. You don’t have to choose whose family to go see on the holidays. You also do not have to deal with awkward family encounters.

9. You don’t have to buy anyone a present. You can buy something extra special for your mom, your cat, your bestie, or *gasp* yourself! No stress for buying that “perfect” gift for a significant or insignificant other. You also don’t have to pretend you like whatever thoughtless crap they bought you in return.

8. Kissing random people under the mistletoe. Get a piece yourself and use it as a conversation starter. Also bring breath mints and make sure there is no food in your teeth.

7. You can meet someone at a holiday party. I met my ex at a Christmas eve party and my life changed forever, in retrospect maybe not the best, but that relationship helped form who I am today. You really never know who you are going to meet. Be open.

6. You actually get to spend quality time catching up with the family. No weirdness trying to entertain your beau. Enjoy the friends and family you have in your life, love them, celebrate their importance in your life! I know I am blessed.

5. Take your own holiday portrait with your cats. Break out the ugly sweater and make your friends a personalized Christmas card they will never (ever) forget.

4. More champagne, wine, whiskey, and spiked nog for you! Sometimes caring (for yourself) is NOT sharing.

3. Get dressed up, FOR YOU! Everything sparkles this time of year. Light up your party fab wardrobe. Don’t ever regret the impossible rhinestone shoes. Glamour is everything, you deserve it.

2. Nobody is going to ask you when you are getting married or having babies! Bringing even a new person home can be the ultimate turn off when your drunk uncle goes off on a tangent or your mom grills away.

1. I know this may sound heartless-but hey. Lonely people around the holidays = lots of hook up opportunities. Take advantage of their sadness. It’s like Wedding Crashers when he started crashing funerals. Capitalize on those horny sad sexy people. Loneliness is amplified during the holidaze, cruising bars, holiday parties, and dating aps may bring you surprise singles bliss this holiday season.

Its getting bitter, nipple hard cold out there and the media is telling us to bundle up and pair off. We have been inundated with Christmas paraphanalia since before Halloween.

It is so shoved down our throats that I can’t take it. The idea of hearing Christmas music in October makes me want to kill.

Due to the suffocating holiday joy, I prefer to be the Bah Humbug she grinch. My shriveled, black heart still beats. I am single. I get sad like everyone else, but you can’t let it consume or cripple you with insecurities.

Even as I write this I have tears in my eyes, there are certain people I would like to decorate a tree with. But it’s ok. There is something beautiful about having no expectations. I spend most of my days off naked, making art, with my cats to keep me warm.

All I want for Christmas is for it to be over and be my birthday already. Commercially romanticized bullshit, cuddling in front of the fireplace, hand in hand ice skating. Blah blah blah, the holidays are stressful without the added pressure of making someone else happy.

I get sweaty easy and have weak ankles. Like every other hopeless romantic I start imagining all of the holiday love gone by, and honestly, it was disappointing.

I have been dumped right before holidays, and that seems like the worst, but is actually awesome because spending time with your family and not being alone is better than wallowing in your own self despair. For those of us who are terminally single, sick and tired of family questioning, why are you still single? Well, I am picky.

My standards have risen, I need more than just a mindless fuckboy. I want a person that is going to love me fully. Hopefully vegan, political, artistic, and kind.

I want a person to make me a better person, to compliment what completes me, to enrich the world with compassion and unbridled passion. Throw me up against the fridge, have me because you must, because I was the one you have been looking for.

That’s all I want. I will settle for nothing less. Why live inside of a snow globe when you can have the real thing? Why spoon someone when you can fill your spoon with a tub of vegan ice cream? You are in charge. Nobody can tell you what to wear, where to go, how much to drink, or anything because you are free.

Bake something and eat it all yourself. Make your own blanket fort to hibernate in. You can take this time to work on yourself, or be a lazy spud and go into the Netflix black hole of winter. If you want to make yourself better for you, then start right now.

Being single does not mean you are inadequate or unloveable. Sure it’s cold this time of year, go on some random dates and warm up with new conversation. Take this in stride and make 2017 the best year of your life.

You do not need a partner to justify you. You do not need a man or woman to feel happy or fulfilled. Self actualization and care is so important, it is something often overlooked when people become codependent in relationships.

New goals, brighter attitudes toward being single are needed. I know that I get sad every New Years that I don’t get a “special kiss”, does anyone? Only a very few get that fairytale romance, they might not even know they have it.

Nostalgia, sometimes for something you have never had, or maybe have only seen in movies, is a killer. You feel that warm and fuzzy sort of way, everything is “supposed” to fit. Don’t waste time on playing the game or being sad, be happy with what you have, write your own fairytale.

You are not broken, have hope, feel good, bask in the glory that is you.

The law is full of technical language that scares many of us out of learning everything about it. However, true to the old adage that knowledge is power, knowing a little about the law can save you a lot of grief.

In an attempt to keep your noses out of the heavy books I had to carry during law school, below is a list of five basic legal tips that may save you one day. As I am not a lawyer, I cannot call this advice, so do with them what you will and protect yourselves.

Get everything that could be considered a contract in writing

Whether you’re buying a computer or taking out an insurance policy, get your arrangement in writing and make sure it’s signed by both you and the person or company you’re dealing with. This is extremely important, for while the law says that contracts can be verbal, written proof transforms any dispute from your word against theirs to one with tangible proof of your arrangement. If you have the means, getting the document notarized will give it extra weight.

Keep copies of EVERYTHING

CopIES not A copy, and make sure at least one of these copies is in a safe place that you and only you have access to. This doesn’t have to be a safety deposit box. You have a box of sex toys you know no one is going to go anywhere near? Put the documents in a baggy and stick them in there.

If a contract sours and you have proof of the obligations in it, the other person can be held accountable for their end of the deal in a court of law. If they agreed to pay you X and they paid you Y and you don’t have a copy of the contract, you may not get the remainder of the balance. If you have something in writing and the document suddenly disappears, the other party can deny the arrangement ever existed or that the terms were different.

Proof is the best protection, so keep copies of receipts, contracts, labels, and price tags where necessary.

Remember that ALL jobs in Quebec have to pay a wage

A lot of job seekers get phone calls from companies who saw their CV on sites like Monster.ca and ask them if they’d like to come for an interview. They’ll say the work is a customer service job.

What they will not tell you over the phone is that the job usually pays commission only and requires you to do door-to-door sales, making the transport costs greater than any money you’ll make because not everyone is going to buy from you. Many will feel pressured to go for the interview and accept the job because they are on unemployment or welfare and think the limitations of these programs require them to take the first job that’s offered.

No one has to take these jobs because they are illegal.

According to Quebec’s Act Respecting Labour Standards, an employee is someone who works for an employer, and all employees are legally entitled to a wage for the work they do. If you’re in a profession that allows you to earn tips, the minimum wage you are entitled to will be less, but no matter the job, the employer is legally obligated to pay you for the work, regardless of whether or not you succeed in selling the product.

If you get a call asking you if you’re looking for work, do not be afraid to sort out the wage question over the phone. Doing so will save you a lot of potentially wasted time.

Do not always believe what government employees tell you and do not be afraid to argue with them

People who phone in noise complaints will usually be told that if the noise happens between 7 am and 11 pm, it is not grounds for a complaint. People who go to the police about harassment will often be told that if it happened only once, it’s not harassment. Most people will accept this answer, apologize, and move on.

The problem is that the rules aren’t always what the people who should be enforcing them say they are.

The municipal bylaw for NDG/Cote-des-Neiges, for example, actually says that noise complaints are judged based on a question of reasonability. If, for example, your neighbor has been making cosmetic repairs his home and the construction crew hasn’t been using any sort of muffling equipment thus making ear-splitting machine noise starting at 7 am for over a month, that’s clearly unreasonable. With harassment, if you feel harassed by the behavior, it’s harassment even if it only happened once.

Before calling in a complaint or speaking to the police, check the laws online and do not be afraid to argue if they claim the behavior is legal.

If you are arrested or detained by police, ask them the reason for it and NEVER answer any questions without an attorney present

If you are detained by the police you have a legal right to know why. If they will not tell you, they are breaking the law.

During your detention NEVER answer any questions without an attorney present. Though we’d all like to think the cops are the good guys, there is always the risk they will try to make you confess to something you didn’t do, and many people will do anything to get home to bed if tired, hungry, and under stress.

Make a mental note of any negative remarks officers make about your race, gender, sexual orientation or religion. It’s a fact that racism is rampant among even Canadian police and evidence that your detention is about prejudice not crime may save you.

Knowledge of the law can save you from being cheated or deprived of your freedom. With a little training you can teach yourself to stick it to shady employers, selfish neighbors, and hold police accountable for questionable behavior.

I have never been good at saying NO. I am a people pleaser, I want everyone to be happy and will do whatever I can to help that process. Sometimes you can give everything and not save any of that kindness or care for your own damn self. I have deserted myself, left my own needs and wants to die at the door step. I need to be in a committed relationship with myself, putting my wants and needs first, taking care of myself before I give it all away for free.

No is one of the first words babies can understand. Displaying that you are dissatisfied and do not like something is incredibly important. We all need to respect each others’ boundaries.

Being overtly sexual in text or whisper is something that gets under my skin. I usually have this problem with people I have already slept with who are trying to tap dat ass again. Your dick pic does not turn me on. I am not vicious, I am honest. I will never put myself in an uncomfortable situation ever again.

These gems of human dialogue were both said to me by two different people during the same night: “Baby I jerk off to the thought of your beautiful mouth around my cock.” NO! Then later “Someday the right guy will come along and everything will be ok.” FUCK NO!

If one more person tells me how dirty I am or how good of a mother I would be I will flip out. I’ve said NO to many things, I will not work in an office for something unethical, I will not eat meat, I will not get on a scale, and I will not ever be a cookie cutter female.

Even a soft no resonates, if I have to give you a HARD NO that’s bullshit, the first sign that I am not into it you back off buster. I literally had to get in this guy’s face and repeat myself for him to then eventually respectfully understand, but it shouldn’t have ever gotten to that point.

I did know and like him, I have been with him before and it was superb, I just wasn’t in the mood that particular night. I was too drunk, too tired, had to work in the morning. I should not have had to explain myself. A simple no is all you need. You cannot convince someone to change their mind. Consent is respect and anything else is rape.

When I am interested in someone I move slow. I look at their body language, and *shock* their actual language. Yes, “No” is a word. If she says she is tired, let her sleep, if his eyes are wandering I let them wander, who am I to control anyone? Just because I am horny doesn’t mean that you feel the same.

Girls Just Want to Be Safe (and Have Fun too)
Girls Just Want to Be Safe (and Have Fun too)

I have felt one sided love too many times. It sucks to hear NO and have to walk away. But, I’ve done it, and I have walked away when not wanted. There will be a moment when I confess my love and the other person says YES, but I am not banking on it, and I will not alter my life to find it.

I am not very hard to please, I will go along with most things, but as of recently I am making myself loud and clear about not doing things that I don’t want to do. I have turned down people that I once yearned for because I suddenly awoke to their true colors.

There is too much beauty to be held down or back by dumb motherfuckers who expect the world (and my pussy) handed to them on a golden platter. I am a strong and powerful creature who cannot be swayed. With this power you must help others who still feel weak. Help others when their “NO” isn’t being heard, we need to stand up for each other, check in if you see someone in distress.

I was once driving down the street and saw a girl running away and getting screamed at by a man, I stopped and asked her if she needed my help, told her she could get in the car, that I was a safe space. She said she was fine, he does this all the time, and that she was in no danger. WHAT? Clearly whatever he is trying to do to you is making you physically run away from him.

Never be that woman, never let some strange misguided love make abuse OK, ABUSE IS NOT OK! Ever! Nothing I said would get this woman in my car, nothing I could do would make her respect herself and stop the cycle. She probably has a child with him, thinks she is trapped, nobody else will love her. WRONG!

My best friend left an abusive relationship and is now married to the love of her life, a beautiful and kind man, she has a child and so did he, now they are having another to complete their family. There is always somebody else. An abuser is not a lover, if they hurt you GO, no matter how hard it feels reach out and you will have support.

Say yes to the good things in life, say yes to the people who you want to say yes to. Say yes to positive experiences and new adventures. Be happy and spread happiness and kindness to all the others you meet. We live in a world where women have to fight off sexual advances and assault on the regular.

I don’t go a day without a cat call or unsolicited yuck. Fuck that yuck. Empower yourself and others by staying strong to your convictions. Teach others to hold their heads up high and not be swayed by anything but their own hearts and minds.

Of all the burdens one can carry, none is more anxiety-inducing than debt. Paying it off can be a Sisyphean task aggravated by the automated phone calls and nagging threats of debt collectors. People lose sleep over debt worries, while others fall into a depression, and the worst cases commit suicide. There are many ways to manage one’s debts and part of it is knowing how to manage debt collectors.

The best way to do that is to know what your rights are.

The rules regarding debt collection in Quebec are primarily in the Act Respecting the Collection of Certain Debts (the Act). Enacted in nineteen seventy-nine, it has a clear set of rules debt collectors must follow. If they don’t follow the rules, they have to pay fines ranging from three hundred to eighty thousand dollars.

Here are all the things debt collectors are not allowed to do.

The debt collector can’t make false or misleading representations to collect a debt. That means they can’t say, for example, claim that your kid won’t get health care if you don’t pay up – something that’s impossible because we have public health care.

The debt collector can’t claim that if you don’t pay the debt you’ll be arrested and go to jail. You can’t be sent to jail if you are not charged, tried, and convicted of a crime. Canada does not throw debtors into prison.

The collection agent can’t communicate with you if you’ve informed your creditor(s) in writing that you are contesting the debt. They also can’t contact you if you’ve informed them in writing that you want them to communicate with your lawyer from here on in. The exception to this is if your creditor is the Government, which can start nagging you about a debt within a hundred and twenty days following their sending of a letter demanding payment.

Your creditors and their agents can’t use threats, harassment, or intimidation. That means that they cannot threaten you with bodily harm, repeatedly follow you or your loved ones around, or repeatedly communicate with you or your loved ones in a way that will make your fear for you or your loved ones’ safety. If a creditor tries any of these methods, they’ll not only face fines under the Act, but they can also face charges of criminal harassment and threats, which could result in a prison sentence. Do not be afraid to call the police on a debt collector that acts in this way, but remember that threatening to exercise their right to collect a debt does not constitute a threat as per the law.

Collection agents can’t disclose information that might cause injury to you or your loved ones.

They cannot collect or claim more money than the value of the debt.

They are not allowed to present you with a document that could be mistaken for one used, authorised, or issued by a tribunal, government, or any agency acting on their behalf. That means that a debt collector can’t, for example, hand you a phony court order claiming that it’s the real thing when it isn’t in an attempt to pressure you to pay your debt.

The debt collector cannot claim money from anyone other than you and someone who co-signed the loan. If you took out a loan and your mother co-signed, collection agents can only go after you and your mother. They can’t go after your wife or kids if they didn’t sign on to help repay the loan should you be in default of payment.

Collection agents are not allowed to verbally communicate with a person they think might be the debtor and who has previously told them is not the right person.

They are not allowed to contact your spouse, family members, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, and employers to collect your debt. However, collection agents are allowed to contact your employer to find out your phone number and home address so they can contact you. They are not allowed to contact you or your guarantor at work without you or your guarantor’s express authorisation.

They are not allowed to contact you on Sunday and on holidays, and they can only contact you between 8 am and 8 pm.

When collection agents contact you to collect a debt, they are legally bound to identify themselves as debt collectors.

Though debt collectors can be scary, it must be said that their jobs are not easy. They are no doubt used to being loathed and hung up on, and within our current economy getting debts repaid is undoubtedly difficult.

Phone numbers can be blocked and with it being almost impossible for people to find long term employment, most people cannot afford to pay off their debts in the time creditors would like. Despite the threats of debt collectors, the worst thing that can happen to you if you don’t pay on time is your credit score will go down and/or they’ll sue you for the amount of the debt and any legal costs, making it harder to get an apartment, a car, business loan, or mortgage.

You’ll still have your freedom and health care if you need it so you can work hard and pay off your debt.

* Featured image by Sean Macentee, Creative Commons

Usually I know what I want as soon as I see it. With things it is easy, just buy or steal it. With people it’s different, there are things like consent and the need for mutual attraction to contend with. Being denied is one of the most terrifying things there is. It can feel overwhelming or embarrassing to put yourself out there, to make yourself vulnerable.

Wanting, yearning, waiting, waiting…. why wait when you can take? Why wait when life is so precious and short? The time is now, life cannot be wasted on waiting for things to happen to you. If you want someone, tell them! Obviously consent is the key, if you put it out there and they want it then you got the dream. If not you can move on, no more wasting time on yearning for someone who doesn’t feel the same.

Making the first move is all about reading the signs, a person’s body language says it all. How is the conversation? Light and upbeat is a good flow, don’t get too heavy and definitely don’t mention your ex or that you are on a quest for true love.

Are they making eye contact? Eye contact equals confidence. Is there any touch? Are they listening to you? There is no reason to go straight to number one, ease into things. While being slutty is fun, if you really like someone take it slow. Hugs, touching on the leg or shoulder, or anywhere else can be as erogenous as sex. Being flirty and direct on your intentions is a wonderful start to any new romance.

i want you

I have been in situations where I was attracted to someone for several years before making any kind of move. Even when I get shot down I take it in stride.

I have been told that I am intimidating. I need to stop thinking that people are out of my league, we are all on the same team, humans trying to touch each other’s butts. Yes or No, you like me back or I can finally move on.

That first kiss is something that you will never forget if you do it right. I remember my first First Kiss, I was 14 and innocent. I was walking with a group of friends and one of the guys told me I was beautiful, I responded with “It’s Dark” and then he kissed me. It was sloppy and fast, I have never been the same since.

I liked it, a lot. We made out in a basement that night. That much physical contact and teenage lustiness was astounding to me. I remember our tongues wrestling and me not knowing how to deal with the drool.

My favorite memories in life are those moments right before a first kiss. Things are going good, this beautiful human is here with me, they want this too, uncertainty melts away when they lean in or don’t run away when you advance. There is a surge of electricity, a sickness in your guts, you feel like there is about to be an explosion and your body will turn into rays of sunshine and music.

YES, THEY WANT IT! Your lips lock, tongues twist, licking, sucking, biting, nuzzling, smiling between breathes, as subtle waves of loveliness envelope your existence and justify all of the butterflies. Worth the wait, you linger. Wondering why it took so long, but happy that you waited for the perfect moment.

romanceFuck the concept of a perfect moment. I often wait for the stars to align, hoping that the right person will just appear, ready and willing, in my arms. It’s better to reach out and grab what you want, in the case of love bad things happen to those who wait.

I have sat by and watched too many people get “found” by someone else. I may have loved them for years, but due to my fears they never knew. If I could have just opened my mouth maybe they would have opened their hearts?

Instead they now “belong” to a new lover, which is a hard concept for me to wrap my fingers around. Love is not ownership, it is companionship, it is wanting to share adventures and help each other through tribulations.

I would never want to be in a relationship that stifled any part of my being. It is about celebrating each other and continuing to keep doing what it is that makes you wonderful.

Years pass, crushes come and go, you are still there, I am slow. I want to squeeze you tight. That girl kept talking, all I wanted her to do was start walking so I could “say goodnight.” Finally she left without a fight. I leaned into the car and onto those perfect lips. I wished it would have lasted longer, but it felt like pure magic. I was bursting from the seams, skipping down the street with joy. I did it! Now it’s all I can think of. I feel so scared that I want to run! I want to run my fingers down every inch of your perfect porcelain skin, put my face in the dark places of your loveliness.

I don’t know how to navigate relationships. I feel like a little kid chasing the ice cream truck and it never stops. The music taunting me, the dollar bill in my hand getting sweaty, pressed up against my handle bars.

I can’t expect anyone to make the first move, nobody can read my mind. Put yourself out there, don’t let fear ruin or consume you. If you like someone tell them! Tell them twice, tell them everyday. Treat every kiss like a first kiss.

The main problem with my life is that I am afraid of falling. I used to jump off of swings and fly through the air. Now I ride a tricycle so I don’t fall off of it.

I only regret the things I haven’t climbed. I know I have missed out on beautiful views because I didn’t have the guts to grab them. I’ve never done a cartwheel. I didn’t have the guts to grab a lot of things.

I never blame the people who “broke my heart” because it was never them who broke it, it was me. I wasn’t ready, I was afraid to fall. Then I would see them with their new happiness. I thought I wanted that, I can do better.

afraid cyclistI was supposed to finish this blog last night but I went to the beach instead. I lived my life instead of moping in my head. Sweating in my bed. Spent time with friends. I got in the fucking van. I don’t need any man. I can!

But, I still want you, I want you so bad, I want what I am not, I need what I just can’t have, someone else’s sweet reality is my dark fantasy, what lengths is a person willing to take to get what they think they need?

She’s got it, how’d she do it? I want that! No, I can’t. The big green monster lurking through the shadows and fully lit spaces and sometimes even in your wallet. You can’t always get what you want, especially instantly.

Money doesn’t equal success in the same way fame does not equal happiness. Fortune is in moments of discovery and kindness. Life is magic but there is also required work. Nothing is lounging on a silver platter.

Being greedy and selfish is a social atomic bomb. Stop being a spoiled white girl, a life full of privilege and decadence. You need to fight fear and ignorance with self actualization and solidarity. Nobody is your entire world but you. How do you shape your own reality?

For one I know I can be a big fat only child Amurican hippocrit. It’s ok for me to have desires and no expectations when it comes to a relationship but as soon as I see my “other” with someone else I lose my damn mind. At the end of the day it all boils down to my lack of self worth and confidence. Whenever I find someone with even the least amount of interest in me I latch on clinger status, I yearn to be loved.

Where does this entitlement comes from? Maybe because I have been “pretty” my entire life, I just get what I want before I even know I wanted it. I was always fawned over with sweet decadence, something about being a little child of the corn blonde girl that really breaks all the hearts, or at least temporarily melts them with my piercing baby blues.

Its so funny when people say I am so intimidating that they couldn’t even talk to me let alone be my friend or get to know me. Because I do burlesque and hold my head up high it is assumed that my bad assitude is real. I am really much more simple than that. Wind gusting under my torn patchwork skirt, justifying my existence. Freedom, jealous of no one. Right On!

The only true way to get the one you want is to give them space when they need it, smothering gets you nowhere fast, believe me I’ve done it.

There is no magic formula for the perfect relationship. Life is like the seasons, we need to have the change, the snow is as important as the sun, the draught as important as the rain. It makes us stronger and more well rounded. Happiness and sadness, love and loneliness, acceptance and rejection. It’s important to embrace the strange complexities of our modern world.

Relationships are so different. Nothing is cut and dry, or sorry, forever… Labeling is hard. Polyamory is different from the free love movement because there is structure. Primary and secondary lovers combine to shape your dating topography. Different vocabulary.

Lonely but never alone if you love yourself. Don’t invest everything in nothing, you deserve respect. I have loved people so hard for so long and never said anything because I didn’t feel like I was worthy of them. Then after all of my silent pining, someone swoops. By taking control she got what we both wanted. She gets to travel the world as his girl.

riding trike

Unhappiness, trapped in a world you don’t fit into. There is a young couple on my street that has a child their car is all full of baby stuff and has a bumpersticker that reads “I’d rather be stage diving.”

I am NOT jealous of that life. That bumper sticker says so much. “I’d rather be ______(insert passion here)” is so depressing. My dad’s friend just got married and had his first baby in his late 50s. That’s happiness.

When I was a little girl I would love to play wedding and marry all the boys in the neighborhood. Then I would make my Barbie dolls have the most lesbian sex ever.

As I grow up I realize that I want it all, but fear has me pinned. If I only had gears and less emotional weight in my basket, I’d go faster.

At the end of the day, I am still afraid to fall. To fall of a bike, to fall in love, to fall off a mountain, to fall down the stairs. I need to rise above irrational fears and take more chances, get in more vans, and go on more adventures.

Traveling through California was a step, I need to do more of that. I can’t pine over people who don’t want me. Actively seek people who do want me, actually no, fuck that, stop seeking anybody and those who are worth it will withstand my silliness and be standing by my side when I need them to be.

Stop being so patient and grab it, time is of the essence. You are worth the risk. There are worse things than falling. You will always get back up and scraped knees are sexy.

Its interesting to me that I haven’t been writing about sex lately. My sexual writers block is caused by me actually having a sex life of late.

It is easy to write about anonymous faces or generalized sexual partners, but when you are getting it on the regular there is less to talk about because you are practicing it. I’m less concerned with chasing tail once its in my bed warm and waiting.

I came home to someone sleeping in the broken spot in my bed, I took off all of my clothes and climbed in. Right where I belonged in that moment. Sticky sweaty skin, soft flesh melting into more tender loveliness. I can go into detail about the sun coming through the window and the exact sounds and smells, the wonderful warmth.

Some things cannot be defined by words alone. A smile upon waking, my legs fit inside yours. Its nice to know that I wasn’t the only one wondering, what if? I run my finger down the nape of your neck and see you shiver with antici……pation.

I am more of an expert at longing for some touch, rather than actually having someone. I don’t believe in ever really “having” anyone, people aren’t propery. It is easy to preach about self confidence and feeling good about life regardless of your relationship status, but living it is a different story.

I always say that true love should be effortless, pure joy, constant stream of brilliant moments and moments where you must lift each other to brilliance. I was once told that I would never find love if I didn’t lose weight, but then I learned to love myself. There is more to love when you love each inch.

Do opposites really attract? I feel as though you must have some things in common to spark that initial fire, but you can’t be the same person. I always look for someone as out there and artistically over achieving as I am. There cannot be light without dark, you cannot know true bliss without knowing the bitter taste of defeat and sadness. The placement of the darkest shadow and most brilliant highlights is the main element of successful art.

I was in California and I couldn’t imagine having weather that pleasant all year round. Eternal summer. I need that six months of winter to hibernate and make art. If I were able to frolic about and play in the sunshine all year I would never get shit done.

I am so easily distracted by the summertime feel fine way of life. I want to lay in the sun in a field of flowers and stretch out as far as I can with the life affirming warmth beating down on me. It’s like love, to appreciate the good times you need to survive the rest of times. You need to have a job to appreciate days off.

travel
I had never traveled that far from home, I roamed away from Buffalo. I felt a little like Hunter S Thompson heading to Las Vegas to pick up a flight to San Diego. Instead I should rent the biggest reddest oldest convertible there is and drive it across the desert. No looking back, no surrender.

Humans are meant to wander, to move around, experience things. If we stay in place we become stupid and stagnant, fenced in by our own insecurities and fears. It’s a horrible life to not want more, to not wonder what else is out there, to see how other people live, to notice the differences and relish in the familiar moments.

Las Vegas is a place I never wanted to meet, slot machines at every turn, I thoroughly dislike gambling. There is something so creepy about the subliminal hum of casinos. The elderly and addicted sitting like drones pushing buttons and pulling levers. Its downright freaky to me. If I’m going to waste my money its going to be on something that makes me happy. Physical things should never be the cause of happiness. Money will never be the cause of happiness.
Marilyn-Monroe-and-Turret-pg183-copy

I visited Coronado Island in San Diego. It was where Some Like It Hot was filmed. Gold flecked beaches shimmered brilliantly. I stood in the same place that Marilyn Monroe stood.

It was magical, but it also made me think that she was just a woman, doing her thing in the height of her life and popularity. She had no idea that her image would make such an impact on the world. Her beauty radiates throughout generations who were not even alive yet. Icon status.

People often compare me to her, I think merely because of the blondness and buxom nature of our curves. The curse of curves, the curves that possibly got her murdered by the Kennedys. Someone told me today that I smile like Marilyn, big and cheesy, a lot hiding in that smile. some like it hot
I was dumped once for being unnaturally happy, never arguing or fighting the entire relationship. He couldn’t stand it. I thought of myself as more of a ray of sunshine to his clouds.

It is easier to be openly flirty once you have already been inside someone. Asking for more is different than asking for the first time. Uncertainty is terrifying. It is also what life is all about, taking chances. The idea of being shot down by a love interest is as scary as the idea of being shot down in the streets by a robber.

Successful relationships come down to who did the dishes and took the garbage out, superficial bullshit that is actually a big symbol of respect. Little things count.

Life is more than just beautiful moments and physical attraction. You must work hard and struggle before success is handed to you. Take the good with the bad and fall in love with the journey.

Marilyn Monroe is a timeless beauty, she will never age in our minds because she was taken before her time, dead before she got too old to wrinkle. Love your wrinkles and curves, live in the moment, travel as much as possible, compliment others, and love hard. You never know when your sun will set. Life is only right now, bask in its glory.

To kick off ASK CAT, a new monthly advice column on FTB, Cat McCarthy dared her Facebook friends to ask her anything about Sex, Dating, Politics, Art, Feminism, Activism, LGBTQ issues, Drugs, Culture, etc. We published the first three responses and now the rest.

Now, it’s your turn. ASK CAT anything: Cat@ForgetTheBox.net

Dear Cat, What should I do if I wake up in between two dudes with cake smeared all over my chest, I’m wearing a 1980s blond wig, I’m thirsty, my feet are bound together, my nose is running and one of them looks like the messiah….while some famous director is filming me in his bloody underwear. Should I wait for an invite to the threesome?

– Melissa Campbell

Hi Melscamp! As you know from personal experience I am not the person to ask about joining into a threesome. While I have had several successful and life changing threeways in my life they don’t always end well for me. It will not work if you feel self conscious, if you feel like they are more interested in each other and not you, or if the girl doesn’t like you but the guy does and you would both rather just be with him. Threesomes must be mutual, all on the same playing field.

she lives richard simmons cat sinclairDid you smear the cake before you fell asleep? Is it tasty? Were you drunk or on drugs? Is this consensual? Are the guys hot? Is that REAL blood? Why is Dirty Jesus called that? Do you want this? Are you in the non-consent yurt? Is there a lambskin condom?

I know you are into some kinky shit, so in my opinion, YES, get into that threesome. Don’t be like me and wait for the invite, nobody is ever going to invite you, if you are already into it that far with them they want you there! Any self made flaws are not noticed in groupsex.

I once hooked with two friends, they answered the door wearing matching boxer briefs. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was a goddess to them. Make sure you are being treated with respect and have a safe word. You are a goddess and I blame you for everything

Dear Cat, Which side of a double sided dildo is preferable?

– Velvet

cat noseHi Al! Well my dad always says “if you go to the right, you can’t go wrong,” so the answer is you must spin the dildo
around counterclockwise in the center of a lesbian boob circle and whichever way it lands pick the side to your right, add lube, and enjoy with a special friend on the left end.

Or I would also say inspect the dildo and pick the side with less cat hair stuck to it. Silicone dildos are big time attractors of cat hair (which is prevalent in most lesbian relationships, the most common owners of double ended dildos).

Got a question for Cat? Ask it: Cat@ForgetTheBox.net

Hello faithful readers! I don’t know if this is going to make me seem like more or less of a narcissist but I am going to be writing a monthly ASK CAT column for Forget The Box.

While I don’t claim to be a real expert on anything in particular, I do know that I am real. I have been through a lot in my life and can use my experiences to help you with any question you throw at me.

I will answer you blatantly and honestly, without a filter, and completely from the heart. I will answer anything from questions about Sex, Dating, Politics, Art, Feminism, Activism, LGBTQ issues, Drugs, Culture, or anything else you can think of.

Email your questions to Cat@ForgetTheBox.net and I will answer them ASAP in a monthly blog entry. (“Ask Cat” sounds like “Ass Cat” when said out loud)

I threw this idea out there to my Facebook friends and responded to the first six questions I received (my friends are f*cked up). Here are the first three, with three more to come next time:

Dear Cat, what are your thoughts on art expression over personal issues with waste? I feel a calling to do a photo shoot in a giant tub full of blue cheese for the sake of art because I feel like the Buffalo chicken wing of life. My problem is I can’t convince myself to waste all of that blue cheese. I recall some of your work with the Wesley Willis song “rock n roll McDonalds” and how you were able to incorporate food into the act. Some of the fries never made it to the mouth. How do we approach artist feats like this and overcome the guilt?

– Micheal

cat mccarthy ronald mcdonald clown burlesque

Hi Micheal! As you know I am very much against the issue of food waste in this world, I am a big activist for dumpster diving and Food Not Bombs, using food that would have otherwise been thrown away to feed the hungry. It is also true that I often use food in my performance.

It’s a catch 22. I want to make a comment on shitty corporate food and the accessibility of vegetables and healthy stuff, but still feel bad for wasting. I am a hypocrite when I throw out rotten leftovers or put compost in the trash, I am even more wrong when I ejaculate burgers and toss perfectly good french fries into an audience, half to be smushed on the floor, or smash a 100 cupcakes on my body dressed like Marie Antoinette, cover myself in galloons of pudding in response to Bill Cosby, rub donuts on my boobs dressed like a cop, or dressed like Colonel Sanders throwing chicken at someone who is texting.

I make comments about greed, consent,corruption, body image, and corporate waste with my art. My vision is to participate in the bad parts of society on a stage so people can become aware of the abject horror of reality, kind of like John Waters. It’s like there must be sacrifices made for the revolution to be a success.

wet dreamland pudding buffalo infringement

Nobody is perfect all the time, myself definitely included. Of course I feel bad about the fries on the floor when there are hungry mouths to feed. I guess where I was coming from with that is the food I was “feeding” to people is shit food with no positive nutritional value anyways, so I feel less guilty about that.

I fully support the idea of you submerging yourself in blue cheese, make sure it’s the good kind. Buy it, and put yourself in a claw foot tub in the middle of an art gallery. Lay in in naked, submerged.

cat fashionHave plates full of chicken wings, carrots, celery, pizza, all the vessels for blue cheese. Invite people to dip in your tub, see how long it takes, see how far they will go for blue cheesy goodness. Will they lick it off of your body? People are obsessed with that shit. People also get weird in the name of art.

Document the entire thing. The exhibit ends when the food is gone, nothing is wasted, and you can probably get a pizza shop to sponsor you. I once wore a dress sponsored by Mr. Pizza. It was a collaboration with Melissa Campbell called Upper Crust Punk, we literally bit every slice of pizza. It was a cathartic, gross indulgence in the name of fashion, there was a spittune. I was empowered by food.

When we made the PBR corset, some of the PBRs were dumped down the drain because they couldn’t physically drink anymore damn PBRs and there was a deadline. It was a sin! If I was there I would have shotgunned every single one of those PBRs, waste not want not,bro. Let them eat blue cheese! Let them scrape it off of your flesh!

Dear Cat, what happened last night? I know I showed up at the bar with $1.25 in quarters, the last shot I took made me black out, and I know I fell off my bike mounting on the way home because of a bruise on my arm and a scratch on my face. I think you were there dressed in white.

– Darren

Hi Daren! I remember seeing you at Nietzsches last night for the Stripteasers weekly bar show, I was dressed in white because we were doing a tribute to Prince and I was a crying dove.

What I assume happened is that people bought your fine ass some drinks, since the bar is cash only. You then were too drunk to bike and should have left your bike at the bar and gotten a ride home or walked.

Or perhaps you were abducted by aliens and drugged, not remembering the experience. The bruise and scratches were from the alien probing, not from a bike fall like you initially thought. Maybe I wasn’t there at all and the “girl in white” was some kind of extraterrestrial being.

I cannot let you know for sure what happened to you, but am happy you made it home safe with minimal damage. Stay safe dude! Use the buddy system in the future. Or be like me and get a trike, I never fall off that thing when drunk riding!

Cat cycling (3)

Dear Cat, I think that you are the cat’s meow! Were you always fearless or did you work up to it?

– Melissa

Hi Melissa! Thank you for the amazing compliment, you too are the cat’s meow! I think have always been pretty fearless (sometimes stupidly fearless)! My parents are amazing and taught me to only speak my mind and fight for what I believe in.

As a little kid I was the one who stated the blatantly obvious. I was a little feminist, fighting to play football with the boys. I love myself and fight for those who are afraid. It’s important to be strong and never give up on important things.

I am also a constant work in progress, I know that I continue to grow and learn each day. I can’t say I’m fearless. I definitely get afraid of walking upstairs from basements, that feeling that something evil is coming up after you to pull you down the dark rickety stairs is real.

Got a question for Cat? Ask it: Cat@ForgetTheBox.net