Its funny to me that when I am trying to get laid it never happens. I want things to be perfect, I want candlelit romance with fine wine and the sweetest leaf.

If I clean my room, dye my hair, take a shower, gussy myself up, and go out crusin’ lone wolf style it is 100% certainty that I will come home alone, drunk, and disappointed. The nights that I am absolutely irresistible are the nights that my crotch smells like yesterday’s left out cat food, I am wearing a frumpy sweater, no makeup, no inhibitions, possibly bleeding, definitely not looking any kinda way.

Saturday I went out on a whim and never expected to even talk to someone, let alone take them back to my car like the true dirt grub I am. This boy was cute as a button. It was the same night as The World’s Largest Disco, so it wasn’t weird that he was wearing polyester bell bottoms. He looked so young and eager to please. Must have been 21, but dangerously close to it.

He told me that I was his favorite Stripteaser, that he loved how I took chances and was politically charged in my work. Ok, tell me more. He said that he had been coming to the show every week for a few months but was too scared to talk to me. ME?

At this point he had my full attention. We had an incredible conversation about art and the state of politics and the world in general. I was in awe of how much he was in awe of me. It was bizarre for this beautiful boy to be such a fan girl.

The bar closed and he was shocked when I asked him what he was doing after. His friends called him both a “savage” and a “pimp” as they watched us walk away. We were just going to my car to light one up and then started making out.

I forgot for a second that I didn’t brush my teeth that day and had just peed in an ally. It was excellent. He made me feel like a teenager. We kissed, he touched me, I touched him. He kept accidentally bumping into the horn, it was cute.

The cherry on top of this story is when he was fingering me and Nickelback came on the radio, I couldn’t help but laugh. Almost 30 years old and I am being finger banged in my car to Nickleback.

What is this life I live? I wasn’t going to have sex with him in my car, so I eventually bid him farewell. With a hickey on my neck and my heart racing I saw him disappear into the night. Of course I said “See you next Tuesday.”

I feel like an idiot for letting him go without even getting his last name or phone number. I was swept up in the moment. I wonder if I will ever see him again?

I need to be more of an “act now” kind of girl, stop second guessing everything. I let him walk off because my room was a disaster and I was embarrassed. I let him walk off because I didn’t shower that day or feel worthy of his sweetness and affection. He wanted to stay, but I pushed him away.

He did not show up at The Stripteasers show. Well that’s that. For my show I even dressed as Chad (the lead singer of Nickelback). I had done Nickelback about a year ago as a joke and still had the costume. My roommate joked “Bro, you know what this means? You have a NICKELBACK routine!”

It was incredible, I gave every person who tipped me a dollar a nickel back. The bar phone rang an hour later and it was a man calling saying that his girlfriend forgot her nickel and wanted it back.

“It was special because the performer gave it to her” I ran to my car to dig for a nickel that would be special enough to be cherished forever. When I gave it to her later she did not recognize me out of drag.

buffalonickels
I am often paralyzed by my own self doubt, I think that someone so beautiful would never ever be interested in me. I see my flaws like roadblocks with flares shooting off of them. I often feel like the only person in the world who is alone.

I know thats just crazy, but the feeling is real. I feel old and inadequate. Like by now I should be successful. I mean, it is all how you measure success, I guess.

I don’t make much money but I am happy, I love my job, it is stress free and wonderful. I love burlesque, I love the time I spend traveling, I love so much about my life, it would just be nice to share it with someone.

sexychadThe times I have fallen for people it has been hard, always one sided, just me not seeing the obvious, just me getting my head smashed, never their fault, always mine for assuming I will get what I want. I am an only child spoiled girl who also has white privilege and middle class money, so I am comfortable, I am safe.

I was born into middle-class America. I have all the makings of a cookie cutter success, I did well in school and got a college degree. I am beautiful, symmetrical, I have great teeth because my parents got me braces. I am an artist. I am a fucking catch. Single, sleeping alone with my crust skin and my lovely cats, surrounded by piles of costumes.

I get laid when I least expect it, so love will be the same. Love is inconvenient and imperfect, it has no rhyme or reason. You cannot control love. People fall in and out of our lives at random.

I never understood the people who had it all planned out: in 5 years I will be married with a child and a house with a white picket fence, there’s a mini van in the driveway and a golden retriever in the yard. These people will settle for the first available mate, the first person who is willing to also be tied to that plan.

I am insane, I could never plan my life like that, I don’t even know what I want, let alone how to find it. I will never settle, I will never be unhappy or partially happy. I will know it when I see it. I will know who I love when I meet them.

Was it the guy in my car that I sent off into the night? Was it that beautiful girl in Montreal with the pink hair and glasses? Was it the one that got away? It is most likely someone I have never met, but maybe seen in passing, maybe they know me, I am just oblivious.

So I was at work and a young male customer was using the communal computer, totally normal right? I was minding my own business doing work, answering emails ect, and then I noticed a faint but familiar fapping sound that could not be much other than a man beating his meat. I’m vegetarian and not interested, Bro.

I instantly looked up and the sound stopped, he looked forward at the screen, no hands in site. This repeated for a little while, I couldn’t believe it. It was nearing the end of my night, I must just be tired. He couldn’t possibly be jerking off right in front of me right? Naw, no man would be that incredibly rude.

I was able to go into the office and peek through the blinds a little to see what he had up on the screen and there was nothing, only the desktop. I mean come on man, I know I am sexy, you probably have never seen a woman so beautiful and powerful as the one standing before you, BUT that is no excuse to thrash your tiny little manhood in my presence. Your fapping is NOT a pick-up line!

Just because I enjoy pickles doesn’t mean I want yours.

Would I have been less upset if he were watching porn on silent? Probably not, I would have just had the cookies as proof of his guilt. I would have been just as furious.

I wonder if this bizarre shit happens to every woman or just me? Am I more in tune, do I notice things that others don’t? Is knowing that misogyny exists like believing in ghosts? If you know they are real you will experience them.

Ghosts are real and so are shitty men. I’m not saying that all ghosts are evil or that all men are bad, its like saying that all white people are racist or all blondes are less than genius.

It is true that because some men are jerks and some white people are racist that men need to make extra effort in sensitivity and white people need to know their privilege and break the cycle of hate and misunderstanding. I am a natural blonde genius, clearly.

Stereotypes, while not a blanket, do sometimes have a basis in truth. We all just need to learn to be kind and pay attention to break the shitty stereotypes that exist and not feed into them.

Back to the wanker: I was in no way being suggestive. I was being “customer service” cordial. I love my job, it is truly magical, but just like any other service job where you deal with live breathing warm blooded human beings you will find assholes that think the rules don’t apply to them.

For the most part his crotchal region was covered by a sweatshirt on his lap, but then I saw for a tiny flicker of a moment something pink and glistening out of the corner of my eye. Like a dog’s red rocket. Again it was gone as soon as it was out.

I had no solid (or even flaccid) proof that I wasn’t insane and seeing things. If it was out for all to see I would have put on a protective rubber glove and yanked him out into the cold by it like a mom with her naughty son’s ear.

The last straw was the next morning when I went to the basement to change the laundry and he was sitting in the dark alone with a blanket covering his crotch. Again I heard familiar fapping, as if he was just waiting for someone to catch him. Gross dude, now I definitely have to wash that blanket.

There are pages of people talking about public masturbation on the internet, doing it in school, or church, ect. So many people enjoy things better when they think they might get caught. Yea sometimes I poop with the door open, but not at somebody else’s house.

Sometimes when you are horny you just gotta jerk off, it’s natural, it’s totally cool! Do not feel guilty for masturbating or watching porn. Masturbation can be a positive way to release energy, not a social stigma or deviance.

We all do it. Just do it in a private place and not at the expense of an innocent bystander. It is spacial rape and blatant disrespect, you are taking over a public place with your private matter. Do not assume that anyone else wants to see what you are doing, even if being caught is part of your kink, think before you put that on someone.

Consent is Awesome! See :)
I get off with a little help from my friends! (with their consent)

Great places to jerk off:
In your own bed!
In a rented bed!
In the bathroom! (hey some places even have glory holes)
In the shower (easiest clean up)
In the car! (when its parked somewhere remote)
In an abandoned building!
Locked in the utility closet at work.
Under a tree in the middle of the woods (like deep woods, not a park or playground, creeper)
In a shady adult movie theatre designed for that stuff with a person who is knowingly paid to mop jizz.
NOT IN FRONT OF UNWILLING PEOPLE!

If the only way you can get off if by having people watch then go to a sex club! Download some hook up apps or search Craigslist personals. Fetlife is also an incredible resource for alternative sexual preferences. Surf the internet for two minutes and you will find others who are into the same fetish lifestyle you are.

Consent is so fucking cool! Involving someone who did not give you consent in your sexual game is the same as rape, remember that next time.

So you like to grab women by the pussy eh? Well isn’t that just lovely. Why don’t you try asking nicely? Only if the beautiful owner of said pussy gives you consent you can caress it, love it, worship it, get down on your knees and pray to it with your tongue, put your whole being into make it purrrr. If you give a pussy ample notice and respect it will not fight you but it will welcome your tenderness.

mypussyTouch it, slowly, then quickly, then rub, tug, lick, motorboat, butterfly kiss and repeat until a gentle gushing stream showers you from between her spread eagle vulnerability. Never ever just GRAB someone, let alone grab them forcefully in their most sensitive zone.

We live in a culture where rape seems to be glorified and not extinguished. Rapists suffer no consequence and sex offenders have a voice. Pussy grabbers are not in the shadows, but on the big screen, running for president, flapping their ignorance to the masses.

My pussy will bite your fingers right off! Vagina dentata is a toothed vagina. There are folkloric legends that talk about a woman’s sweet zone that is full of sharp, finger/appendage eating teeth. Sexual intercourse with said vagina will result in severe injury, or castration for the man involved.

The tale shows up in many cultures and is meant to deter rape culture. Huh, maybe we should teach this in sex ed? Do we need to tell boys that all vaginas have retractable teeth that come out when violated? Will that finally stop rape?

Fear of castration will cause a man to think about his choices. That pussy will gnaw your fat fingers and stupid little one eyed chode right off if you don’t look out sonny. You will never see the teeth if you do not provoke them. I have to go to a dentist and a gynecologist to keep my pussy healthy.

In order to make a woman ready and safe for intercourse the hero must literally pull teeth. She must be nonthreatening, safe for insertion, safe for to receive the man.

Freud says that young men experience an unconscious fear of castration upon seeing female genitalia. Some of the most vicious stories of toothed vaginas come from India, in which the ferocious sexual appetites of lovely young women must be tamed through the violent breaking of the teeth hidden inside of their lady parts.

ovarian-dermoid-cystOne explanation is a rare medical condition affecting the vagina. More than likely a vaginal dermoid cyst, which can be very toothlike and sharp.

The movie Teeth was an incredible tale of a girl with vagina dentata. She bit off an attempted rapists genitals with her vagina and it was a beautiful sentiment.

Women should not have to have killer pussies to ward off criminals. We should not have to wear chastity belts to take away temptation. We do not exist for your pleasure. We do not exist to be disrespected and violated at any time.

Strong women with power over their bodies is not emasculating, it is empowering for all bodies, all humans are in charge of their bodies.

tentaclefingersFor real though. I just want to say one thing, if you are going to stick your fingers inside of someone please, PLEASE, cut yo damn nails! There is nothing more uncomfortable and non-sexy about getting fingered by someone with janky long nails.

I have been severely damaged by people with no common sense and funky sharp nails. Ouch! The memory makes my lips cringe.

If I had vagina dentata my vag would still not want to bite your nails for you, trim them, clean them, file them, ask yourself, are these fingers good enough to worship and pleasure a goddess with?

You notice, proper lesbians never have long nails, always groomed, short, filed, awee yea. It’s always the stupid cocky men who don’t think to trim their fingertips before going for the pink loveliness.

Another thing that really pisses me off is when they just try to stick the whole hand up there right away. Like WHOA BUDDY! Simmer down there, cowboy. Again, nice and easy, one thing at a time.

There is nothing sexy or pleasurable about being dry fisted. Things can tear. What are you thinking? I’m not looking to do some strange reverse birth right now. How would you like it if I shoved my hand up your butt like that?

Lessons learned today: Consent is everything, keep your hands to yourself or your fingers will be bit off, respect all humans, and for the love of goddess CUT YOUR NAILS before recklessly shoving them in.

“My bitch found a porn that I made with some other bitch back in the day. It was crazy, we were doing some award winning cartwheel 69 shit. She watched the whole damn thing and it ruined our relationship,” very loudly says one douche bro to another passing by in a dark parking lot where my friend and I were covertly smoking weed.

“Maybe you should have tried some cartwheel 69 shit with her!” I said to him, startling them a little. What even is cartwheel69? A great AIM screen name, I think.

Urban dictionary states that standing cartwheel 69 is “A sexual move often performed by gymnasts or dancers. It involves both partners in the Standing 69 position usually with the lighter partner backwards. The standing partner proceeds with cartwheels until he or she hits a wall. This often results with both partners simultaneously tightening their jaws on the recieving partners genitals, which ultimately leads to severed genitals and/or severe cuts.”  Say what?

What kind of misogynist asshole announces this story to his bro and the world like that? When he called her “his bitch” he pissed me off immediately. No woman should ever be described in such a demeaning way, and then the rest of the tale blew my mind. With his charming and respectful view of women I am sure the nails were already in the coffin of that relationship.

I do think that finding someone’s old homemade porn is not something that you should hold against someone. I am not defending this asshole by any means. He created this movie before the new girl was in the picture and while yes, he sucks for so many reasons, this is a grey area. She should not have been snooping through his computer, but genius boy obviously left it somewhere on his desktop labeled something reallllly discreet, waiting to be unearthed by an unsuspecting new lady.

I would have been turned on to see my beau going at it with a past lover. I would have picked on him hard. It seems like a case of jealousy, he wasn’t satisfying this poor girl and then she sees a video of him satisfying some other woman and she freaks out and leaves him.

This is why I have never made any scenes with former lovers. I have had multiple ask but never felt confident in knowing that the relationship would last forever and he would be the only person to ever see it. People don’t delete that kind of stuff.

Image via FreeFoto.com Creative Commons
Image via FreeFoto.com Creative Commons

This was obviously a rare shining moment in this guy’s sexual career. If I am making a porn I am getting paid for it. You know damn well that the guy will save it as a trophy forever and jerk off to it.

There is a whole genre of porn called revenge porn, men post old sex videos of themselves with ex girlfriends. These unsuspecting girls are then slut shamed on the internet, they signed no waiver, they receive no payment, some of these girls may never even see this video. Then boom, that hot cartwheel69 shit they did once after a college frat party is all over the internet.

It is truly fucked up that anyone would betray someone’s privacy like that. Create all sex tapes like they are going on the internet for mass consumption.

If you are not ashamed or feel like becoming a pornstar be my guest. Everything is different when it is with CONSENTING adults. Nothing else is remotely acceptable.

Finding someone else’s porn is interesting. It is a deep, dark fantasy revealed.

I was recently at an estate sale and in the attic came across an entire box of amazing vintage leather fetish gay porn and a leather/chain harness. I of course wanted the whole lot. When I brought it down everyone seemed so shocked that this box of gold even existed.

Being an estate sale it was the house of a man who had recently passed away, he was married and seemingly straight. His family had no idea about his kink and sexuality. I saw the look of disgust and terror in his son’s eyes as the lady from the sale gave me a price.

Did I out this man postmortem? He kept a secret his whole life and I just yanked it out of the attic.

It is so sad that he lived in a time where he didn’t feel safe showing his true self. He subscribed to marriage and the appropriate social standards. I wish I could make a time machine and pull this man out of his marriage and drop him off at the Folsom fair, let him wear his leather cock holster with chains and an O ring on the chest, walk around with others just like him. There is no deviance here, sexual freedom is beautiful.

I remember the first time I ever found porn as a child. It was a Hustler and there was penetration. It changed my life. Then there was my best friend’s dad’s shitty VHS 80’s bush porn. It was our first taste of the sex that would start being thrown at us via advertising and culture in high doses. You can’t get innocence back. Once you see it you cannot unsee it.

Porn is private, what people do and enjoy is their business. Never ever be ashamed of your porn collection (unless it is with non-consenting adult or a defenseless child, then you are a fucking monster who deserves to be shot).

Celebrate your fetish, love what and who you love proudly. If you make a porn with someone under the terms that it is just a sexy record for the two of you never dare show it to another person.

It is a violation, it is betrayal, just don’t do it! Keep your award winning cartwheel69 action to yourself, the satisfaction of knowing it exists should be enough. Bragging means you are overcompensating and there is nothing impressive or sexy about that.

* Featured Image by IsabelleTheDreamer via Flickr Creative Commons

I often feel like the creepy guy in the corner jerking off.

How did I get here? (This is not my beautiful wife, this is not my beautiful house…) Do they notice I am here? I feel different, and that sometimes socially isolates me. I oogle at the other burlesque dancers. Beauties, pure delight, smooth skin, perfect shapes and proportion. The best asses in town topped with the sweetest personalities around. They are all anybody’s definition of physical perfection. I’d eat from their shoes.

wayne and garth

I constantly feel the need to yell “I AM NOT WORTHY!” like Wayne and Garth at the feet of rockstars. In awe of my surroundings.  My life is truly blessed.

 

dominatrix burlesque

Look deeper, listen to them talk and laugh, spill about their own insecurities and bullshit. These people that I idolize, hold with such a high standard, are at the end of the day just normal people who poop and bleed, putting their tassels on one at a time like everyone else.

We are all humans: “beautiful” and “ugly” are relative, we all see a different monster when we look in the mirror. Everyone is so preoccupied with their own flaws that they cease to even notice yours. That is why caring about what others think of you is really stupid, we need to take care of ourselves and not give in.

sexy freaks

Wish I was faster and less depressed by others’ happiness. I am a lump covered in strange skin lesions, I am fat, I am smelly, I have hairy armpits, and an inch of roots on my bleached out hair. I am nothing like these visions of glory, I am a slob, a festering pile of yuck.

I AM BEAUTIFUL! 

trollKnow that because we are not perfect we inspire others who are not perfect to love themselves too. It is a responsibility to show the world that no matter what you look like you have the right to be accepted and celebrated.

You too can lead a glorious existence! I remember once saying “I am a troll” out loud, and I was literally dressing up like a goon. Dumb. Why do I even care about what society likes? Life is a freakshow attraction. People like me regardless of how well I play by the rules, the art outside the lines is impactful.

Fun fact, did you know there is a thing called soaking? It is when you insert the penis into the vagina and just let it chill. It hangs out until it cums, no thrusting necessary.

That sounds pointless. Literally just getting your dick wet doesn’t sound remotely enjoyable. Its like what happens when a gay man and a lesbian try to make a baby, are we there yet? I told you we should have used a turkey baster.

I always thought it would be funny to have like 10 butch lesbians with turkey basters full of jizz squirting them all on one guy, lesbukkake anyone? Let’s turn those tables. Break down hetero-normativity in every single way. I am a squirter, so it definitely feels powerful to get to jizz on someone, I get it.

I am going to be thirty this year, dirty thirty, that means my egg timer is almost up and I should be looking for a good god fearing white man of similar or hopefully higher socioeconomic status to make mutant republican babies with and move to the suburbs where my dreams can rot in a three bedroom ranch.

I want to spend my dirty thirty with thirty of my most down ass friends covered in shit. Literal feces. It will be the dirtiest party of them all. I am already borderline incontinent, last night I drunkenly peed on my feet while trying to relieve myself in an ally.

I held a frozen burrito under my arm, being denied bathroom access at the store I took it upon myself to wash their sidewalk with a flood of golden glory. Never going to top drunkenly peeing on church steps and not getting laid because I totally didn’t wipe though. That takes the cake. Chocolate cake brown like the shit stains in my Zubaz.

animal house

I am a creep, watching women undress in front of me, feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed there. That’s how I feel when people show me affection, I can’t believe this vision of loveliness wants ME?! You sure you got the right guy?

I watch from a distance while other people get off. I have sat in my car and watched people fuck with an open window. I once sat on a roof overlooking an office building and watched a guy jerk off at 2am. Photos of his family were hung on the walls. I still wonder what kind of kinky shit he was watching. I’m sure it was the gayest scat fisting gang bang porn imaginable.

alphaeus-philemon-cole-peeping-tom

Peeping Toms and shower windows make a great pair. I was recently sitting on my friend’s porch, drinking beers, smoking some jazz cigarettes, shooting the shit, sun setting, ya know stoop life at its finest. And all of a sudden I look up and notice a frosted window on the second floor of the house next to us with a light on.

Suddenly one shadow appears, then a second. It is easy to decipher that this is a shower, they each wash off, and easier to notice that the couple started to have sex. You could see the outline of her breasts and ass, I could not see his boner shadow though, bummer. Sexy silhouette sex right in front of my peeping eyes, we were all wide eyed.

The slap heard around the world made me think they knew we were watching, if we can hear them they can also hear us. It was a short fuck, it seemed fake, like in Austin Powers when he was making shadow scenes look dirty. I kept feeling like I was going to get Punk’d.

I like this channel.

That moment when you know it isn’t going to last forever but you don’t want it to end. It’s sad, but it’s life. Not everything is meant to be, not for forever or even right now, not everyone is in on the fairy tale.

It is easy to wish for impossible things.

Even if it’s wonderfully magical, if it hurts someone else it’s wrong. Love is supposed to uplift the world around you, not to cause you happiness at the expense of another.

You need to take care of others and make sure your actions will not negatively effect another person, especially one you love and respect. There is an action and reaction to everything, we are all part of the same delicate system of lust and heartbreak, love and that looming goodbye.

Some love is fleeting, ending only moments after it began, other times it takes weeks, months, or maybe even years to die. Even people who are married or in long term relationships might not REALLY be happy, sometimes people literally or figuratively stay together for the kids.

The “kids”may be actual children, pets, a house, social status, religious beliefs, money, comfort, pure laziness, or even really good sex.

Romeo and Juilet remind me of some of my recent affairs, destined to never really be together. There is no possible way this can work, not even true love can defy death (or in my case the bro code).

I have met people and knew instantly that I would love them, I can also read people well and know when I don’t have a snowballs chance in hell. Crushes are meant to be crushed.

There have also been some sleepers, people I dismissed as a romantic interest instantly friend zoning them, just to later find that there was some weird secret spark between us. It wasn’t always love at first sight, sometimes it is love upon insight.

Not every person looks like they could be your “type,” but what exactly is a type anyways? It’s bullshit. People are more than what they look like or seem to be. Sure I have seen an attractive person and felt instant connections,but that doesn’t mean they are love at first sight material. It’s complicated.

Extended eye contact, intense conversation, not nervous until you realize this could be it. Then it all goes downhill from there.

I always want what I can’t have. Is that why other girl’s boyfriends are more appealing to girls? That internal competition, survival of the fittest. The fight for survival.

I am an only child, so I can be a little bit self centered sometimes. I can’t have everything. Some people don’t find me sexy and that’s OK, it’s their prerogative. I don’t want to jump into bed with ever schmuck who wants me either.

It needs to go both ways. They need to love me and must reciprocate for it to work. It’s hard to hear that someone doesn’t find you attractive, but that’s how the cookie crumbles.

I can’t help but to attack my physical looks whenever I get denied. Well if I wasn’t so fat maybe he would love me, ect. I know that’s crap and not to take it personally but it is hard.

ethical slutLet’s just be friends, implies that we were more (are more) and now it’s over, at least in the traditional sense. Benefits? We can fuck but no emotions are allowed. This is difficult for me to grasp. All sex is based on emotional connection for me.

I recently tried the detached booty call thing and felt really empty afterwards. The lack of kissing and cuddling disturbed me. Polyamory is confusing, so is hookup culture.

I wanted more, I yearned for a deeper connection that I knew we just didn’t have.

Like a one night stand should, I left right after. It felt damn good, I just wanted to cuddle more and maybe round two, but felt awkwardly passive.

Then on the other hand I found someone that I did have a connection with, but due to circumstances, we could not be together. The sort of “naughtiness” and secretive beginnings made everything feel nice, but unfortunately for me and my conscience I knew it had to stop.

stripteasers are the funniestWahh wahhhh. On another planet things might have been different. For now I will just sit here with my horniness. I keep telling myself I can’t be sad when you move on, but also that I know I can get what I want elsewhere.

I have a track record of falling for my friends too. I get so nervous about being rejected that I allow myself to be instantly friend zoned.

I am fucking amazing, especially at being a friend. It’s easy for me to make life long connections. My lack of confidence is astounding, I can never make the first move or seal the deal with a person I am interested in. I can’t use magic to make someone love me either, if it is not consensual I don’t want it.

What is that shit? Either we can have no strings attached sex with those we don’t love or no sex with those we do love. I want a middle ground, I need both, I want the connection and the sextin.

I can wait. Happiness is worth it. I will go through a hundred someones before I find the ultimate one, if that’s a real thing, even then it might just be for now. Lust or bust.

Having sex so hard it breaks furniture is an awesome life goal to have, extreme bump and grind. I was once sleeping with a guy in a fancy hotel and we did our puzzle so hard the headboard came off the wall. It was incredible.

I have broken my fair share of bed frames with rambunctious coitus. This time it was the box spring, right in the middle, his thrusting or my riding? Which one of us should sleep in the hole? Neither one of us cares at that point.

broken bed

The best part of owning your own home or even just living by yourself (or partner) is having sex in every single room of the house. Up against the dining room table, leaning over the bathroom sink, on the couch, on the recliner, against the kitchen counter, on the washing machine during spin cycle, in the hallway, and then the forever classic bedroom sexcapades.

I once had a California king sized bed in my living room. It was the cuddle puddle. We had our TV in the fireplace, it was lovely. There were plush unicorns, artistic stuffed tentacles, and all the pillows imaginable. The perfect place to have sex except for the fact it was in the middle of the most trafficked area of the house. I know that at least one of my roommates had sex in the bed.

I have an affinity for vintage couches. There is one in particular that probably needs to just get burned. Trying to have sex on it would be painful, protruding springs and no padding making it virtually impossible to climax. The intense squeaks and moans of old furniture is the worst. Nothing discreet about it.

couch

Who doesn’t like the idea of being watched? Voyuerism is participation, baby. The only time it ever happened was in the same hotel room where we ripped down the headboard. My friend and my dude’s friend were in the next bed over. It was lovely to watch them while doing it myself. We weren’t touching but we were definitely connected.

There is a thrill when you think you are going to get caught. When someone might walk in the room and see you getting it on. I am a burlesque dancer, I give the illusion of sex and sultriness.Brings me back to high school and getting caught by my boyfriend’s mom, awkward sauce.

I once had a roommate who lived in the living room with cubicle walls as her walls. There was no privacy, it drove her crazy. I am the kind of person that will poop with the door open. I have been referred to as a “mud woman” by my other roommate.

I am always naked. I love it. I am proud of my body and understand its imperfections. I love to show it proud as much as I can. nakedbikeride

The World Naked Bike Ride is going to be happening again in Buffalo this coming Saturday. I am excited to participate again. It was truly magical. Although it will be bittersweet because my trike is out of commission. The back axel snapped. It was ok though because I didn’t get hurt, and like three beautiful lesbians ran out of a tattoo shop to make sure I was ok.

My dad helped me order a new trike, its collapsible and awesome, but now that looks like an eBay scam. Boo. Thankfully my friend is letting me borrow her old trike for Saturday. I know it’s mostly mental but I am legit scared to ride a regular two wheel bicycle.

The Naked Bike Ride’s motto is Nude Not Lewd! Less Gas More Ass!  It is about cycling being good for the environment, lessening the stamp we put on the environment with transportation and the burning of fossil fuels. The naked bike ride is also about bringing awareness of cyclists in general and sharing the road safely.

You can see me now when I’m naked, tits to the wind, but you don’t see me when I am fully clothed with reflective safety gear on. Cars are oblivious to bikes, it’s dangerous even in the bike lane.

Last year I was slow riding and ended up falling to the back of the pack, the police escort was the only thing behind me. I felt like a nude fugitive.

Being naked outside during the day is sensational. There were more naked guys than girls, a lot of meat and potatoes in the wind. Very few naked ladies. I get it. I feel like a troll doll most of the time. I am a day rise vampire. Bathing in sun rays only to turn to dust. As I sit here the construction workers outside have already starting drilling so what does it matter anyways.

burlesqueI should be making pasties, which I will be giving to girls at the ride to encourage nudity. It’s amazing what a little nipple disc can do for someones confidence, add tassels and they are unstoppable for life.

The moral of this blog is that life is too short not to have sex in every room of the house. It’s  kind of hot if people watch, and riding your bike naked in the sun with a thousand other people is the best feeling in the world.

Be empowered, enjoy life to the fullest, never be afraid. If they are gonna watch, give um a show!

P.S. I am looking for questions for future Ask Cat Blogs! Ask Away…

Its interesting to me that I haven’t been writing about sex lately. My sexual writers block is caused by me actually having a sex life of late.

It is easy to write about anonymous faces or generalized sexual partners, but when you are getting it on the regular there is less to talk about because you are practicing it. I’m less concerned with chasing tail once its in my bed warm and waiting.

I came home to someone sleeping in the broken spot in my bed, I took off all of my clothes and climbed in. Right where I belonged in that moment. Sticky sweaty skin, soft flesh melting into more tender loveliness. I can go into detail about the sun coming through the window and the exact sounds and smells, the wonderful warmth.

Some things cannot be defined by words alone. A smile upon waking, my legs fit inside yours. Its nice to know that I wasn’t the only one wondering, what if? I run my finger down the nape of your neck and see you shiver with antici……pation.

I am more of an expert at longing for some touch, rather than actually having someone. I don’t believe in ever really “having” anyone, people aren’t propery. It is easy to preach about self confidence and feeling good about life regardless of your relationship status, but living it is a different story.

I always say that true love should be effortless, pure joy, constant stream of brilliant moments and moments where you must lift each other to brilliance. I was once told that I would never find love if I didn’t lose weight, but then I learned to love myself. There is more to love when you love each inch.

Do opposites really attract? I feel as though you must have some things in common to spark that initial fire, but you can’t be the same person. I always look for someone as out there and artistically over achieving as I am. There cannot be light without dark, you cannot know true bliss without knowing the bitter taste of defeat and sadness. The placement of the darkest shadow and most brilliant highlights is the main element of successful art.

I was in California and I couldn’t imagine having weather that pleasant all year round. Eternal summer. I need that six months of winter to hibernate and make art. If I were able to frolic about and play in the sunshine all year I would never get shit done.

I am so easily distracted by the summertime feel fine way of life. I want to lay in the sun in a field of flowers and stretch out as far as I can with the life affirming warmth beating down on me. It’s like love, to appreciate the good times you need to survive the rest of times. You need to have a job to appreciate days off.

travel
I had never traveled that far from home, I roamed away from Buffalo. I felt a little like Hunter S Thompson heading to Las Vegas to pick up a flight to San Diego. Instead I should rent the biggest reddest oldest convertible there is and drive it across the desert. No looking back, no surrender.

Humans are meant to wander, to move around, experience things. If we stay in place we become stupid and stagnant, fenced in by our own insecurities and fears. It’s a horrible life to not want more, to not wonder what else is out there, to see how other people live, to notice the differences and relish in the familiar moments.

Las Vegas is a place I never wanted to meet, slot machines at every turn, I thoroughly dislike gambling. There is something so creepy about the subliminal hum of casinos. The elderly and addicted sitting like drones pushing buttons and pulling levers. Its downright freaky to me. If I’m going to waste my money its going to be on something that makes me happy. Physical things should never be the cause of happiness. Money will never be the cause of happiness.
Marilyn-Monroe-and-Turret-pg183-copy

I visited Coronado Island in San Diego. It was where Some Like It Hot was filmed. Gold flecked beaches shimmered brilliantly. I stood in the same place that Marilyn Monroe stood.

It was magical, but it also made me think that she was just a woman, doing her thing in the height of her life and popularity. She had no idea that her image would make such an impact on the world. Her beauty radiates throughout generations who were not even alive yet. Icon status.

People often compare me to her, I think merely because of the blondness and buxom nature of our curves. The curse of curves, the curves that possibly got her murdered by the Kennedys. Someone told me today that I smile like Marilyn, big and cheesy, a lot hiding in that smile. some like it hot
I was dumped once for being unnaturally happy, never arguing or fighting the entire relationship. He couldn’t stand it. I thought of myself as more of a ray of sunshine to his clouds.

It is easier to be openly flirty once you have already been inside someone. Asking for more is different than asking for the first time. Uncertainty is terrifying. It is also what life is all about, taking chances. The idea of being shot down by a love interest is as scary as the idea of being shot down in the streets by a robber.

Successful relationships come down to who did the dishes and took the garbage out, superficial bullshit that is actually a big symbol of respect. Little things count.

Life is more than just beautiful moments and physical attraction. You must work hard and struggle before success is handed to you. Take the good with the bad and fall in love with the journey.

Marilyn Monroe is a timeless beauty, she will never age in our minds because she was taken before her time, dead before she got too old to wrinkle. Love your wrinkles and curves, live in the moment, travel as much as possible, compliment others, and love hard. You never know when your sun will set. Life is only right now, bask in its glory.

To kick off ASK CAT, a new monthly advice column on FTB, Cat McCarthy dared her Facebook friends to ask her anything about Sex, Dating, Politics, Art, Feminism, Activism, LGBTQ issues, Drugs, Culture, etc. We published the first three responses and now the rest.

Now, it’s your turn. ASK CAT anything: Cat@ForgetTheBox.net

Dear Cat, What should I do if I wake up in between two dudes with cake smeared all over my chest, I’m wearing a 1980s blond wig, I’m thirsty, my feet are bound together, my nose is running and one of them looks like the messiah….while some famous director is filming me in his bloody underwear. Should I wait for an invite to the threesome?

– Melissa Campbell

Hi Melscamp! As you know from personal experience I am not the person to ask about joining into a threesome. While I have had several successful and life changing threeways in my life they don’t always end well for me. It will not work if you feel self conscious, if you feel like they are more interested in each other and not you, or if the girl doesn’t like you but the guy does and you would both rather just be with him. Threesomes must be mutual, all on the same playing field.

she lives richard simmons cat sinclairDid you smear the cake before you fell asleep? Is it tasty? Were you drunk or on drugs? Is this consensual? Are the guys hot? Is that REAL blood? Why is Dirty Jesus called that? Do you want this? Are you in the non-consent yurt? Is there a lambskin condom?

I know you are into some kinky shit, so in my opinion, YES, get into that threesome. Don’t be like me and wait for the invite, nobody is ever going to invite you, if you are already into it that far with them they want you there! Any self made flaws are not noticed in groupsex.

I once hooked with two friends, they answered the door wearing matching boxer briefs. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was a goddess to them. Make sure you are being treated with respect and have a safe word. You are a goddess and I blame you for everything

Dear Cat, Which side of a double sided dildo is preferable?

– Velvet

cat noseHi Al! Well my dad always says “if you go to the right, you can’t go wrong,” so the answer is you must spin the dildo
around counterclockwise in the center of a lesbian boob circle and whichever way it lands pick the side to your right, add lube, and enjoy with a special friend on the left end.

Or I would also say inspect the dildo and pick the side with less cat hair stuck to it. Silicone dildos are big time attractors of cat hair (which is prevalent in most lesbian relationships, the most common owners of double ended dildos).

Got a question for Cat? Ask it: Cat@ForgetTheBox.net

“Where Have All The Good Straight Men Gone?” ask many would-be subservient wifeys hopelessly scrolling through Tinder guys holding fish and deer carcasses posing on their 4 wheelers with TRUMP signs in the background.

They might be lurking around, holding doors, and throwing overcoats over puddles.

cage dancersLookin’ for a sweet innocent girl to put in a cage, change her name, make his claim, put on the apron and take off your shoes, silly little ditzy dame, you don’t have a mind to blow, spread those perfectly shaved legs, slow, lips, hips, the bump after the hump, it grows, like college tuition and your aging body dips in value. Again to be marginalized. A slave to society, the bondage of she, shhh just deny it, hide it, nobody cares about her anyways. Misguided feminists, and nontraditional warriors. Trapped indefinitely.

Maybe “traditional” stereotypical basic straight men don’t like me because I just don’t like that outdated notion of a straight man. I prefer people who know about their fluidity and are not rigid in the ways of how a man or woman should be, based on some shitty gender normative handbook handed out at birth to the illiterate new born masses.

I’ve had it up to here (points to the sky). Everyone should just admit they are queer. Never a straight line, there are always curves in the road, sensual, wonderful twists of reality and revolution. Being rigid in gender standards divides us, its perfectly fine to be a man, or a woman, or whatever in between there is. Nobody needs to be a wife beating manly man, bros disturb me – anyone who watches ultimate fighting and subscribes to Hustler and wears nothing but camo to hide his deep seeded insecurity.

Whenever I meet a cute guy who is fun, interesting, and seems genuinely interested in what I am saying, I instantly assume he is gay. I often check their bumpers for rainbows or look at who they are looking for on Facebook like a stalker (just to be sure), only to be a little disappointed. I have been falling in love with gay men my whole life. One of my first crushes is now a drag queen. He was a real jerk and called me out for having a crush on him. Drag Queens are my ideal women. Everything! Extreme hyperbole of a woman. The most femalest conclusion of taboo societal definitions. I love it all, with sequins on top.gay bestie and ronald

Ultra flamboyant gay men are my favorite creatures – my friends in college called me the Premier Fag Hag of Buffalo. I have always been entranced by feminine males (and masculine females). they can walk better in heels than I ever could imagine. I read a quote from someone on the internet saying that Prince and David Bowie basically reinvented manliness – they showed the world that there are different ways to be men, and that was ground breaking.

I should throw in the towel chancing boys completely and just go after adorable Asian women who roll joints really well, or curly haired artists with art dirt under their fingernails, dancers, poets, musicians, singers of drunk karaoke, activists, vegans, full of more kindness and smiles than anything, no aggression, no hate, only softness, tender sweet lush moments of confusion.

But god dammit I want to get it on to the angelic roar of Slayer’s “Raining Blood,” blasting on high at 4 am too.

And all the girls I think are cool are totally straight.

drag king walterI know that I am a weirdo, parts male and female, the ratios change based on my outfit and mood. You must have respect for yourself as well. If you hold your head high, no man can tear you down. This violent anti-woman power struggle we exist in is not right. We need to take back our piece of the pie. I do not want to hold anyone’s hand.

Let’s just say I have lost faith in most straight identifying males. Zero faith. None. “Men care more about what is going into my mouth than what is coming out of it,” my roomie said about her love life. A slew of one night stands who sleep with you and never call you back, or even worse, they just don’t bother to take your number to begin with. One foot out the door as soon as the condom is off. Texting some other girl while “talking” to you. Sex and romance is something that is taken for granted and not respected.

OK so maybe saying I have ZERO faith is a little much. Obviously there are exceptions to every generalized statement, good straight men do exist somewhere, I know girls who have found them. My best friend found her prince charming on Tinder and they are about to get happily married. It’s a success in a world of other people’s/my own epic love fails.

I see them, the good men, in their natural habitats, volunteering, riding bikes, reading books, eating vegetables, saving the world. They do exist, but I haven’t found the right one, just a lot of asshats posing as perfection. Apparently my confidence is intimidating. Perhaps its my fault for also holding them on such high pedestals. Who could live up to my ideal awesomeness? I think someone will defy that ideal and even surpass the awesome factor, blow my mind wide open.

The magic 8-ball says not tonight. I am just going to have to ride out this storm.

I was once told that I did not give adequate blow jobs. This infuriated me, just the fact that I am putting your dirty little pee hole in my mouth at all should be enough right? He then proceeded to show me some porn videos that he liked as tips. I remember studying the technique, how they ran their fingers down the shaft, keeping pressure on the base, not just focusing on one part but all of it. All of these movies have the same ending, a girl covered in mangasm. Gross.

My blow job skills are subjective, another dude I hooked up with told me I was the best he ever had (but maybe he tells that to everyone) and he still fantasizes about me. The best art is getting it over my pretty-little-innocent-porcelin- face. Right? Thats like the goal isn’t it? Gross!

People get really turned on by my phone sex operator voice and lush red laquored mouth. Im not always total freak in bed, she exists only lost in a fleeting moment or lost in love. Let go and be crazy. I don’t know if I have ever really had an orgasm or been in love. Or if I had then it didn’t change my life like a fairytale.

The way people write about and describe orgasms and love I would think that you would know if you had it. I just don’t. I have such high expectations for things that sometimes its impossible for all of them to come true.

It’s the same with my shows and art, but with those things it is almost easier because it is so on a stage and public. I can have flaws and they are celebrated. People enjoy the fact that I am funny and imperfect, they can relate to me. Fake it till you make it.

I can never complain about lack of sex l, I know I can get it whenever I want, its just a matter of wanting. I yearn for substance, not talking money or stuff, but compatibility in ways that nobody else understands.

My problem with relationships is that I always move too fast, and I am not immediately good at things. I need to practice being with this person, learn what they like, what makes them purr. That can’t happen in one night.

It is possible to have instant attraction, electric turn on lust rush. That’s what songs are written about, but every time that has happened to me it was fueled by an alcohol/ drug/ vacation induced confidence.

I was the most charming woman ever. They didn’t see my flaws yet, they saw what I wanted to show them, they never knew about my dandruff or wonky toenails. I know what to cover up and what to expose to make me seem perfect and sexy.
starfish sex

Am I a starfish? Do I just sit there and let them take me? I don’t think so… I enjoy switching it up. I wonder when people decide not to become repeat offenders? Now unfuckable?

I wish the end of every relationship or even one night stand could have a proper autopsy. I would like to learn about what went so wrong and know how to get better. Having bad sex is the absolute worst, you should never be sitting there waiting for it to end, that means you are doing it wrong.

I need to feel invited to join in. I was recently in a situation where three people started having sex in the same bed as me. For some reason I did not really participate, I didn’t leave either. I just watched, front row seat. Studied the way they touched each other, listened to the noises, basically being a real creep.

For some reason I just didn’t feel compelled to join in, they were all incredibly attractive humans doing hot stuff to each other, it was like live action porn, what is wrong with me? I am thrust into opportunities that I need to grab on to. I needed to just lick some nipples, kiss some lips, and caress.

I think about the moments that I let pass by. Moments where I wanted someone but didn’t tell them. Fear kept me planted. It rooted me as a bystander in my own reality. I wonder if it’s a defense mechanism. I suck at making the move and therefore should not go after people who are just like me.

It doesn’t make sense to me when I find someone who is perfect, really gets me and makes me laugh. This person keeps on living, going on just fine without me there, eating, pooping, and creating art with someone else.

Everyone I have thought I loved thus far has been or become unrequited. What does she have that I don’t? Is her pussy tighter, skin softer, sounds sexier? Do you tie her up? Does she peg? Do her nipples squirt whiskey? I don’t get it.

I am the most amazing woman that nobody wants. I wish I could be more open about getting what I desire in this world. The problem is that I need to explore myself to find out what I like and don’t like. Being lousy at sex is due to poor communication and lack of confidence.

berriesJust because I didn’t end up being what all my ex lovers want doesn’t mean I am at all undesirable to someone I haven’t even met yet. Sex is more than just mating or getting off, its emotional, all encompassing. I have been with people who were ravenous for my body. Throw me up against the wall or down on the bed, then to the curb.

I don’t ever want to be owned.  Life is beautiful. I am sick of wasting time wanting the unattainable. I want to be able to love someone and be confident in that but still have freedom to access the world’s fruit. Who cares if I suck at sex? Practice makes perfect right.

 

“Let’s plan on being spontaneous tomorrow!” There is no moment other than the one we are living in right now. You can’t push off things. Our world is on the verge of apocalypse, so why wait? You must delegate time to every important person and endeavor in life now. It’s easy to overfill your proverbial plate. Dreams don’t magically happen.

I will be late to my own funeral, feverishly typing this article the morning it’s due, I’m constantly in a hurry but I can think of other things to do.

I’m on my period and my emotions are running wild. AllI need is chocolate and a bong rip, I want sleep but have so much I need to accomplish before closing my heavy lids.

Instead of finishing and moving on I got my nostalgia on and watched a Fuller House marathon in my sweatpants with my roomie. I am the worst when it comes to being distracted. There is always a cat needing to be pet or a cute human starving for my attention. Why clean my room when I can have a threesome instead? The bar is always so much more appealing than the gym.

Its easy to be distracted when you live in an adult fun house. My roommates are all artists and performers, collaborations waiting to happen, an endless sea of ideas. I am excited to come home and create after a long day at work. If we are caught doing housework we are usually in full costume.

housework

We are all busy with multiple jobs and love affairs. Never judge someone by their day job, you never know what their dreams are. A fast food worker who does burlesque at night, baristas with soulful voices, bank teller poets, call center thespians, teachers who write pulp romance novels, tattooed doctors, veterinarian vegetarians, and retail rock stars.

We all have to take on many roles in life just to pay the stupid bills. I am sick of working everyday, life would be better if I could be an unemployed activist.

I still play dress up. I was the little girl who put on my mom’s clothes and makeup. Now I have more costumes than street clothes. My entire life is consumed with creation. I live like an eight year old, a pinup girl on a pink tricycle, the prettiest princess, and a powerhouse of ideas.

burlesqueI live with a makeup aficionado. It’s fun to come home at 9AM to someone in full drag, and then joining in. Playing is what life is all about.

Sometimes we dress in full costume for no reason at all and just wander around the neighborhood. There is no better cure for a broken heart. Halloween is everyday in a burlesque dancer’s house. It makes adulting nearly impossible.

Besides Facebook crack, my biggest distraction is love. Yearning to be swept off my feet, yet I have never been picked up off of the ground.

The world stops and I low key lose myself in pursuit. My thoughts get consumed, suddenly all of my art is about this person and not about politics or important issues.

I need to focus on meaningful art and experiences and half the time all I do is dwell on people who don’t want to have sex with me. I can’t get past rejection, I become addicted to the wrong person, and then let it totally yuck my yum.

When I just am the rawest version of myself and I do not expect anything, good things come my way. I had a threesome the other day that was by far the best sex I have ever had in my life. I never felt closer to letting go. I always hold something back, even when I “love” a person, I can’t help it. Maybe it’s self protection?

Letting go is my new theme. I recently did my first whip it in a yurt on top of a mountain in West Virginia and my thoughts vibrated. I was definitely a late bloomer when it came to drugs and alcohol. Even though I am a total stoner now, in high school I wasn’t the kid that skipped class to smoke across the street or steal parents’ liquor.

I didn’t drink at all until well after my 21st birthday. I wanted my brain to fully form before I destroyed it. I was always fighting distractions, I felt like school was an important thing to focus on and I’m glad I did it sober. I talk to a lot of people that partied hard in their youth and are now burned out. I didn’t die at 27 with a white lighter in my pocket, #winning.

dress up

There are just not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Some days it’s so hard to even get out of bed, I will often sleep away my only day off because I spent every other night up writing a blog, working on a costume, or painting a damn masterpiece. I need to just do nothing with my purring cats, they know when I need to chill more than I do most of the time.

When I find motivation I am fucking unstoppable. I am so afraid of missing out and having life pass me by that I go balls to the wall and attempt to get everything done under pressure. I am always being lectured: Act your age, get a “good” job, a girl like you should be getting paid (I would rather get laid).

As I age I digress, and that’s true success. Act out! Act up! Act a Fool! Act like today is your last day of living! Don’t stress on the stuff you didn’t accomplish, no looking back, just move forward. You are the best.

“You were the only one who ever understood me”… NOT TODAY SATAN!

Digital media and texting has changed the whole dating game. Why have face to face conversations when it can all be summed up in an emotionless message?

I’ve fallen into that pussy category. It’s the worst, a cop out, easier than actually dealing with the person. Communication, confrontation, and rejection are all the scariest things. Have I learned anything from past mistakes or successes?

It’s even worse when you send a drunk text. Or worse yet when you write the novel of a text and then decide you’re crazy and go to abort but accidentally press send and fuck everything up.

I have never been very good about remaining friends with past lovers. It’s not that I even have a lot of negativity towards these people, it just doesn’t work out. Life happens and there isn’t room for everyone in it.

Once you are naked-legs intwined-deepest darkest secrets intimate with another human it is very difficult to go back to just being friends in passing. I cannot level down without years of getting over it.

How do ex lovers know when you are either about to move on or at your most vulnerable? They always have the most impeccable timing ever, it must be a spider sense tingle that goes off in their brain.

I was pretty much having a mental breakdown the other day and out of the blue my longest relationship ever ex and most recent person that I needed to cut out both texted me simultaneously. It was ridiculous, a scene from a bad romantic comedy.

satanIs he contacting me because he misses me or if his relationship ended, is he feeling vulnerable, reminiscing on a time that was better, a time that he clearly fucked up and is missing. Well that ship has sailed bro. He remembers how happy I made him, how incredible the sex was, and how in comparison I was way better of a choice.

It’s been over a year since last contact, at least three years since we broke up for the final time, maybe more, time flies when you are single. He never maintained communication with me, I must have not been that important . What happened to change his mind?

Can they sense when you are about to move on? There is a feeling of power that one has when they deny someone the upper hand? When you finally give up on the situation and move on to greener pastures its like they get a notice. Something inside them feels the grip loosen, the power is gone.

This has happened before, we had broken up, it was months later, he texted me out of the blue, I ended up over at his house, and of course we slept together. He went to work the next day and I was still asleep. When I woke up I noticed that the portrait I did of him was missing, I saw it leaning in is closet.

How appropriate, my heart and soul resting in his closet, when I paint someone that means I love them, I took it from its frame and wrote him a letter (aka the original text message) he will probably never read on the back and popped it back in the frame and put it back in the closet, it was very dramatic.

It basically said that this was not meant to be and that someday he will be with someone else, find this, and remember how amazing I was. He was the one who broke up with me for being unnaturally happy, like a cartoon character he said. I had no business falling for such a broken man, so flawed and addicted, yet so beautiful, so much like me, so different, smart, an incredible musician (I used to make art while he recorded his music), and a lover like no other. We first met at my art opening seven years ago, I was in my prime.
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His ice breaker text was an inside joke. I said it once to someone I used to love, him. I’ve moved on. You had your chance. I have been single for several years now, I haven’t depended on anyone but myself for happiness. That last thing I need right now is to digress. Is this a test?

Maybe its Valentines Day? The worst holiday ever, where single folks are meant to feel crappy and those in relationships are expected to buy in.

I don’t want to fall for him again and go back to square one. Familiar doesn’t mean safe, fucking an ex may not be a new notch in the post but it still counts, there are always ramifications.

I answered him with something generic, made him wait for it too. A simple hope you are well. Sometimes there is just not enough time or space to get over the pain someone has put you through. Forgiveness must be earned.

I have a hard time with moving on, especially when I really want someone. I fall hard. He haunted my dreams and caused so much creative thought in me. I need to travel the world to find myself and new inspirations. I can’t just keep beating these dead horses.

It kills me to not be friends with him, with any of them, but I can’t. I always want more, it’s a terrible ache, an unjust lust. I need to say goodbye for now, farewell.

I have the gift of bringing people or situations together. I’m an artist, I have a keen eye for seeing other people check each other out and even more so when it is one of my friends.

The most important part of being a great wingwoman is to know when to walk away. There is a fine line between a clingy friend and helping a bro out.

You can’t be in competition with your friends, the game is to motivate them. You have to boost your friend’s confidence and keep her looking good, no TP stuck to the shoe here.

Be the conversation starter if your friend is nervous, pump them up. Be a good cock block for your bro too, make sure nobody else tries to get in on your bud’s prospect.

It’s a beautiful sight to give your friend some words of advice, give them a hearty “Go get um tiger!” slap on the ass and watch the magic ensue. It’s important to adapt and blend into the wallpaper when necessary. You have to get them set up and make sure that your friend is consenting and wants this person.

Some techniques I use to seamlessly ghost out of a situation are going to the bathroom and never coming back, running to the car to smoke a bowl and never coming back, or just ghosting out with no explanation at all.

Leave your friend a “stranded” damsel in a dress. Oh no! my ride ditched me, guess I have to get a ride home from you while batting their eyelashes seductively.

My best wing woman moment was when I was visiting Florida. My friend lived there. She met this girl online and their first date was to drive upstate to get me and then we were going to go party in Miami.

We had an incredible night at a burlesque lesbian sushi bar that ended with us running out of gas on a six lane highway in the wee hours of morning. While we were waiting for a tow I was in the front seat. I told them to both go in back, I could feel the hot and heaviness coming on. So I pretended to fall asleep. They checked me several times to make sure I was legit sleeping to be respectful, and then got hot and heavy in the back. My eyes were glued shut so it was the best porno ever, my imagination is better than anything.

A Cat success story
A Cat success story
They are now engaged. Months later when she popped the question, all I could think is “you’re welcome!” Because of my awesome faux slumber skills they were able to lay the bricks to the foundation of their life together, aka get it on in the back of their SUV.

I have used my fake sleep technique to get myself out of a lot of potentially awkward situations. I’ve noticed that I was a third wheel and had no escape plan because I was drunk, so I just passed out on a couch and let magic happen.

When I cruise for poon I do it alone. I love going into bars, parties, and social situations by myself. I can get anyone I want when I am by myself. I am either a lone wolf or a mama bear.

I will always boost up my friends before myself. I will always hand over the hottie and bounce. But when I’m flying solo watch out!

I play wing for a few times to help you build confidence. After that my biggest advice is to roll solo, that is when you are truly free. You can get sweaty and nasty in a skank pit, stay as late as you want, go where your heart leads, there is nothing or nobody holding you back.

Yes, sometimes it is nice to walk into a bar with someone, but then you just talk to that person and never get to meet new people, if you are alone you are forced out of your comfort zone. You are instantly more appealing and approachable. That is why the best wingman always leaves. You start out as a team and get promoted to lone wolf when you are ready.

I am single, but I am not depressed. I’m currently cleaning my room so I can have future sex in it someday. Others are taking home Cuban male strippers and getting head from strangers in the street and I am making art and writing poems about boys and girls who love me not.

I don’t feel pressured to jump when anyone tells me too, I answer to no one. I’m cool with being a wingman and not a point man. Life is good. My whole life I have been “The Fat Friend” and that is what has turned me into the incredible wingwoman I am today. I love my body.

I understand that many people judge others based solely on their appearance. I know I am sexy, I know I am desirable, I do not need anyone to affirm that for me.

I finally realized that the path to self discovery is in my own head. Of course I want to get fucked more often and find some good ol’ fashioned companionship, but it’s not easy.

My style is to find someone, then silently fall in love and obsess over just that one person until it is too unbearable. Then of course, I run away because I’m a creep. I wish I could be the type of girl who just meets someone at a bar and goes for it right without hesitation.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken plenty of humans home, but not lately. When it comes to love and sex I yearn for something greater, someone who really gets my weird.

Maybe I’m getting older or maybe I just need to find my own unselfish, ride or die wing woman to up my game.

* Featured art by Amy Lynn Duengfelder

Jacq the Stripper, aka Jacqueline Frances, is an insatiable female force of nature. She is a true “Jacq” of all trades: writer, stripper, illustrator, comedian, and inspiration to us all.

In her highly anticipated new show and book The Beaver Show she reveals a more intimate side of being a stripper. In the book she lets us in, deep, and tells us about her tour from Australia to New York. Now with the help from her friends, fans, and former lovers’ Kickstarter support, she is coming back on tour to her favorite place in the world, Montreal!

I was lucky enough to ask her a few questions. As a burlesque dancer myself it was interesting to hear her perspectives and comments about girl power and body positivity. She does what she wants and takes inspiration from some of my favorites.

Go see her show and support beauty and bawdy artistic freedom, you will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t. I’ll be the guy sitting in the corner jacking off. See you there! Splash zone in the corner. 😉

photo by Cat McCarthy
photo by Cat McCarthy

Here are a few excerpts from her incredible book The Beaver Show that you just have to buy and have her sign for you:

“I dance. Naked. For large (and occasionally insultingly modest) sums of money.”

It all started five years ago in Sydney, Australia when she was just 23: “I still wanted to be a traveler, just not a poor one anymore. So I shaved my legs and bush, showed up to the first Google search result that came up for ‘gentlemen’s club Sydney,’ got naked for this old fat guy named Jim and, to my surprise, I liked it. A lot.”

Stripping is about feeling powerful, sexy, and endlessly curious about how far a dude’s kinks will go (‘show me your armpits’) and how much he is willing to pay for them ($1200).

And the money’s sexy.

The Beaver Show Tour is coming to the area (Did you just cum in your pants when you read that? Are you even wearing any pants?)

  • January 20 2016 8pm An Evening with Jacq the Stripper @ Chez Serge, Montreal $20 for the book (incl. free cover) or $5 cover
  • January 22 2016 The Riff @ Le Nouveau Theatre Ste. Catherine, Montreal $7
  • January 24 2016 9:30pm Crimson Wave Comedy @ The Comedy Bar, Toronto $5
  • January 26 2016 7pm An Evening with Jacq the Stripper @ The Side Door Barrie, ON $10 advance / $15 door
  • January 27 2016 @ The Beaver Toronto ON

T&A Q&A

1) So you are just a writer that strips right (sarcasm all day there)? When did you decide to write a book? How long did the process take?

I’ve always been a writer, and when I started stripping I couldn’t NOT write about it. My first day ever was over five years ago, so I guess you could say that’s when I started writing it. After a torturous year or so of trying to nab an agent, I published it in October 2015.

2) What was your initial response to David Bowie’s passing? How has he influenced your art?

It was a very sad morning when I found out. In my first year at McGill, one of my teachers told us to choose an ‘artifact that symbolizes modernity.’ Most people chose things like ticketing machines or nylon stockings… I chose the persona of Ziggy Stardust and went on to write a 25-page paper on him. I got the paper back and my professor was like, “This is a stretch for what I assigned… but clearly you are very passionate about David Bowie. B+”

He did whatever the fuck he wanted and man did he ever commit to it. I knew he got dressed every single day not giving a fuck about what other people thought of him. His talent and his image were inseparable and it was clear that he enjoyed that. He’s a legend in my heart and in all the manifestations of my creativity.

3) Congrats on meeting your Kickstarter goal! Have you ever seen the Amanda Palmer “Art of Asking” TED Talk? Have you ever thought of doing your own TED Talk? What would you title it? I’d so watch it! You are an inspiring lady.

Thank you! I guess my stand-up is a little preachy and story-telling-y, so maybe I’m already a TED talk in the making… albeit a raunchy one. I haven’t seen Amanda Palmer’s but I’ll be checking that out very soon! What’s their policy on profanity? I have yet to eradicate swearing from my set. It’s just too important.

photo by Ryan Kobane
photo by Ryan Kobane

4) I respect that you are a touring artist and strive to do that more with my own burlesque show. Do you have any advice? How did you get your tour off the ground? Is it hard to be married and touring? Do you have any pets at home? I often think I need a tour bus that is cat friendly because I couldn’t leave my lil fur babies.

No pets no babies low rent and the most encouraging, grounded wife in the world is how I can even fathom going on this tour. Kickstarter certainly helped make it all happen, which really just means I have a community of people who believe in me. I would not be able to do it without the support of my friends, family, and randoms on the internet who are stoked about my mission to humanize sex work and spread the gospel of happy sluts. The tour is only just beginning so I can’t speak to its challenges yet. BUT THERE WILL BE PLENTY, I ASSURE YOU.

5) You are performing in Montreal this week. Tell me about your show? Does it vary based on the night?

The Beaver Show book tour is a different show every night. I like to invite local brains and talent to collaborate, as I don’t think I’m at the one-woman-show point in my life yet. I have my stand-up act, but that’s only part of it. In Toronto, for example, we’re having Victoria Lean, a brilliant filmmaker, host while I tell jokes and riff from the book (I hate reading aloud – I think it’s boring) followed by a Q&A with musician Leah Fay from July Talk.

6) Montreal is my favorite city in the world! What is your favorite Montreal adventure story?

It is my favourite city in the world, too! I spent five incredibly formative years there and I don’t even know where to begin because my whole life there was an adventure. I mean let’s just talk for a minute about how cheap the rent was: I had a two bedroom apartment all to my damn self for $600 a month. It was above GoGo lounge, so it was loud as fuck but I didn’t care because I never slept. I painted on my walls and ate $2 chow mein with peanut butter sauce on it when I was hungry… Oprah should have really interviewed me about living my Best Life.

7) Do you have any comments about censorship? Male nipples vs female nipples on social media? Have you experienced censorship firsthand?

BOOBS FEED BABIES. Start censoring male nipples, please. They’re not as pretty AND they are LITERALLY useless as fuck.

8) Do you consider yourself a feminist? What would you like a young girl to take from your show?

I AM A RAGING FEMINIST. I will shout it from the rooftops.

My show is 18+ because I talk about very adult issues. But I know that young girls are going to see it anyway, and to them I will tell them “It’s your body and don’t let anyone shame you for it. Do what feels right and always take a minute to make sure you’re doing what you want and not what you think you should be doing.”

9)Who is your biggest artistic influence? I also see that you just performed in Baltimore and your book is sold at Atomic Books. How has John Waters affected you and your work?

Oh my god John Waters is one of my heroes. I’d like to make movies as delightfully crass as his one day. He revels in bad taste and doesn’t have a pretentious bone in his body. He is so curious and has lived a life where he’s done whatever he wants, whether it’s film, books, stand-up comedy or hitchhiking across America. Whenever I get discouraged about pursuing my dreams, I remember that he made Pink Flamingos with $10 000. He inspires me so say whatever the fuck I want without worrying about the approval of elitist tastemakers. The more people won’t let you in to their club, the harder you’ll try to build your own.

10) I’m a big fan of your illustrations! Did you go to art school? If so how do you think it prepared you for your current path?

I was in an art program in grade 9, but that was eons ago… I just started doodling to illustrate what was being said to me at work. Now I treat my art like a new platform for my storytelling, plus it’s so goddamn therapeutic. Seriously if you can’t afford therapy, buy a sketchbook. And if the thought of drawing stresses you out, buy a colouring book. You will feel better.

11) Any other tid bits you would like people to know about you? Where are you from? Like long walks on the beach? What’s your sign? Ect….

I’m Canadian, from Ontario although I claimed Montreal for a while. Now I’m just an expat. I only say I’m from New York when I’m trying to book venues (it works).

I’m an Aquarius, I love blue cheese, swimming and giving close friends shitty makeovers.

Buy my book! It’s called The Beaver Show, and you can get it on Amazon. Or go to your local independent bookstores and beg them to stock my book. If you have time to do that I would be eternally grateful.

* Featured image by Andy Boyle

* An Evening with Jacq the Stripper @ Chez Serge, 5301 Boul St-Laurent, Wednesday January 20th, 8pm, $20 for the book (incl. free cover) or $5 cover

* The Riff @ Le Nouveau Theatre Ste. Catherine, 264 Rue Sainte-Catherine E, Friday, January 22nd, $7

* For more: jacqthestripper.com

The room is dark but alive with activity. On the main stage strippers – male and female – burlesque artists and fetish performers do their thing, some with volunteers from the audience, some without. Some audience members caress their partners while others scream and cheer. On the main floor merchants peddle everything from vibrators and butt plugs to lingerie and scented candles.

Valentine’s Day is approaching and the Salon de l’Amour et de la Seduction is in full swing.

The Salon de L’Amour et de La Seduction is Montreal’s annual sex show. Every year in one of Montreal’s many exhibition halls – usually Place Bonaventure or the Palais de Congres – merchants, educators, and performers gather together to celebrate sex in all its forms.

There are a lot of myths about sex-related events: that they’re full of freaks, that people behave inappropriately, or that the patrons are old and disgusting or perfectly beautiful in a way that would cow the average Joe into staying away.

Montreal’s Everything-To-Do-With-Sex Show disproves them all.

The crowd is a varied but behaved one; there are people of all races, sexual identities, disability levels, and ages. Some go for the shopping, others go for the performances, while still others go to attend lectures in the seminar room of the exhibition hall.

People think that events like these are full of weirdoes.

You want to meet REAL weirdoes?

Go to a house of worship, or an office, or a political fundraiser. In those places people dress “normally”; they smile when you greet them and are almost irritatingly polite, but what some of them are not telling you about is their deep seated hatred of women and LGBTI people. They won’t tell you that they think sex is disgusting and evil and shouldn’t be enjoyed. They won’t say out loud that they think it should only occur in circumstances that bigoted leaders and outdated books dictate. They won’t tell you this, but they’ll vote for such leaders; they’ll be snarky and cruel behind closed doors, and dole out hatred in a way that falls under the radar of liberal lawmakers.

You want to meet people who are truly normal? You want to meet people who are open-minded and interested in what you say and won’t judge you for your body or your sexual identity or preferences, provided what you do is safe and consensual?

You’ll find them at the Salon de L’Amour et de la Seduction.

Though scores of patrons are elaborately made up and corseted in leather and latex, there is no real dress code and everyone is made to feel welcome. Sex educators offer free advice on everything from safe practices for people with disabilities, to how to find your G-spot or give the perfect blow job or cunnilingus. Are you over 50? No problem! They also have lectures on sex after 50.

Need a new vibe? Sex shops, some online, some with store front, offer a variety of sex toys at discounted prices, and like in a sex shop, the sellers always have batteries on hand so you can test the strength of a vibrator on your hand before you buy it.

But the merchants aren’t all about sex.

There are peddlers for kitchen ware, flat irons for hair, and even heating pads. Corsets can go upwards of 200 bucks if you buy them online or in stores, but you can get a decent one for as little as 35 bucks at the Salon. Newer businesses like Cam4.com and Vanish My Waist use the Salon to get their name out, the former this year offering a free pair of winter gloves with their logo on it.

Despite the glamour and air of welcome, the exhibit is far from perfect. Sitting space for the tired or disabled who need to take a breather are sparse, and the room is hot, a combination of body heat from the scores of patrons and to keep workers and performers – many of whom are scantily clad – comfortable.

If you want to survive at this show, you either have to check your winter coat at the door, or bring a bottle of water. Bottled water at the show sells at an inflated price of about three bucks. Some vendors at the show are unnecessarily aggressive and you have to be comfortable saying no in order to get by them without buying something you’ll never use.

If you like adult films but are uncomfortable buying them online or in a sex shop, you’re shit out of luck. While in previous years a variety of adult films with were available for sale, now only a few Canadian vendors sell them, and these are clearly suck and fuck productions with no story, style, or substance.

I was informed last year by a representative of Good For Her, a female friendly sex shop in Toronto who unfortunately did not have a booth at this year’s exhibition, that the lack of quality porno movies for sale at the show was due to the widespread availability of material online.

It should also be noted that tickets are pricey. A one day pass is about $17.50 plus tax, but for an extra five bucks you can get a weekend pass that will allow you unlimited re-entry for all three days of the show.

Despite its shortcomings, the Salon is worth a visit. Every year I learn something new from the scores of sex educators at the show, and the performances seem to get better every time. Though I usually only go for a day, next year I’m springing for a weekend pass for despite a day surrounded by open-minded leather and latex clad performers and experts, there was still so much to see that I missed out on.

Because of the nature of the show, advertising is limited, so you’ll have to search online next January for the dates of next year’s show.

Check it out.

18+ only, no exceptions, no babies

* Featured image from the 2011 edition of the Salon de L’Amour et de la Séduction by Chris Zacchia