No, I Don’t Have a Boyfriend, I Have Cats! Becoming a Crazy Cat Lady

cat with cats

It all starts here. I was a little six year old blonde girl, I had a dog and a dream. Then I saw Batman Returns and stuff changed.

Remember Michelle Pfeiffer as Cat Woman? Awee Yeaaaa, I know you do, that image is in everyone’s spank bank. That sleek, shiny vinyl/leather suit. Those razor sharp claws, snapping whip and acrobatic backflips. That perfectly mysterious mask. Those red lips, milky white skin, and that sultry voice really left an effect on me. You can say I had cat scratch fever.

I mean don’t get me wrong, Eartha Kitt was amazing and Halle Barry is hot, but nobody holds a candle to Michelle Pfeiffer in that role. She was, by far, the hottest woman I had ever seen. I wanted to be just like her. Even when she went nuts and got all evil, she made being a crazy cat lady look so damn sexy.

I only wanted one cat, as a sign of my independence and to prove to myself that I could take care of something other than myself. Ziggy Cropdust Sinclair-McCarthy, my Maine coon main man, aka Mr. Fluffy Pants, fell into my life and I loved him instantly and forever.

Fate then threw two little black kittens under my porch and into my heart. After helping nurse them back to health, Beau and Lola are now also my children. My mother lovingly refers to them all as her grandkittens. I’m happy she finally approves of my lifestyle choice.

cats cats

Today I live in a six cat household (three are my roommates’ cats). It’s wonderful. The pitter patter of little paws doing laps around the house, then deviously knocking shit over when you are trying to sleep and wrestling like assholes.

The little sweet fur babies make my world feel better. They know when I’m sad and love me regardless of my flaws. They climb all over me and knead my fleshy dough.

They don’t ask for much, just some snuggles, food, toys, a clean place to poop , and the occasional belly rub. That’s really all I require in a relationship too, that’s why we get along so well.

I love the feeling of a bed full of purring felines. If you close your eyes you can imagine laying on a vibrating heart shaped bed in a tacky motel room. However it’s a little hard to bring someone home to that.

cat as a catWell, for starters, if you want to sleep with me you absolutely cannot be allergic to cats. You also have to be an exhibitionist of sorts because chances are one or more of them will be watching us like a creep, lingering in the shadows.

If I do by chance wrangle them out they will be scratching to get in instantly making my heart melt, ruining any chances of continued intimacy. I usually don’t have any issues though.

Cats also inspire my art. One of my very first burlesque numbers was as cat woman to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat. My Kitty Porn series, collages of cat heads on porno bodies, has been a theme of my work for the last year.

There’s a reason why the ancient Egyptians worshipped them and they are the most Instagramed pet on the internet. Cats are just plain wonderful.

I am a crazy Cat Woman, hear me roar!

* Top illustration by Amy Duengfelder

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