Not Today Satan: The Ex Text, Just Friends, and the Ghosts of Lovers Past

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“You were the only one who ever understood me”… NOT TODAY SATAN!

Digital media and texting has changed the whole dating game. Why have face to face conversations when it can all be summed up in an emotionless message?

I’ve fallen into that pussy category. It’s the worst, a cop out, easier than actually dealing with the person. Communication, confrontation, and rejection are all the scariest things. Have I learned anything from past mistakes or successes?

It’s even worse when you send a drunk text. Or worse yet when you write the novel of a text and then decide you’re crazy and go to abort but accidentally press send and fuck everything up.

I have never been very good about remaining friends with past lovers. It’s not that I even have a lot of negativity towards these people, it just doesn’t work out. Life happens and there isn’t room for everyone in it.

Once you are naked-legs intwined-deepest darkest secrets intimate with another human it is very difficult to go back to just being friends in passing. I cannot level down without years of getting over it.

How do ex lovers know when you are either about to move on or at your most vulnerable? They always have the most impeccable timing ever, it must be a spider sense tingle that goes off in their brain.

I was pretty much having a mental breakdown the other day and out of the blue my longest relationship ever ex and most recent person that I needed to cut out both texted me simultaneously. It was ridiculous, a scene from a bad romantic comedy.

satanIs he contacting me because he misses me or if his relationship ended, is he feeling vulnerable, reminiscing on a time that was better, a time that he clearly fucked up and is missing. Well that ship has sailed bro. He remembers how happy I made him, how incredible the sex was, and how in comparison I was way better of a choice.

It’s been over a year since last contact, at least three years since we broke up for the final time, maybe more, time flies when you are single. He never maintained communication with me, I must have not been that important . What happened to change his mind?

Can they sense when you are about to move on? There is a feeling of power that one has when they deny someone the upper hand? When you finally give up on the situation and move on to greener pastures its like they get a notice. Something inside them feels the grip loosen, the power is gone.

This has happened before, we had broken up, it was months later, he texted me out of the blue, I ended up over at his house, and of course we slept together. He went to work the next day and I was still asleep. When I woke up I noticed that the portrait I did of him was missing, I saw it leaning in is closet.

How appropriate, my heart and soul resting in his closet, when I paint someone that means I love them, I took it from its frame and wrote him a letter (aka the original text message) he will probably never read on the back and popped it back in the frame and put it back in the closet, it was very dramatic.

It basically said that this was not meant to be and that someday he will be with someone else, find this, and remember how amazing I was. He was the one who broke up with me for being unnaturally happy, like a cartoon character he said. I had no business falling for such a broken man, so flawed and addicted, yet so beautiful, so much like me, so different, smart, an incredible musician (I used to make art while he recorded his music), and a lover like no other. We first met at my art opening seven years ago, I was in my prime.
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His ice breaker text was an inside joke. I said it once to someone I used to love, him. I’ve moved on. You had your chance. I have been single for several years now, I haven’t depended on anyone but myself for happiness. That last thing I need right now is to digress. Is this a test?

Maybe its Valentines Day? The worst holiday ever, where single folks are meant to feel crappy and those in relationships are expected to buy in.

I don’t want to fall for him again and go back to square one. Familiar doesn’t mean safe, fucking an ex may not be a new notch in the post but it still counts, there are always ramifications.

I answered him with something generic, made him wait for it too. A simple hope you are well. Sometimes there is just not enough time or space to get over the pain someone has put you through. Forgiveness must be earned.

I have a hard time with moving on, especially when I really want someone. I fall hard. He haunted my dreams and caused so much creative thought in me. I need to travel the world to find myself and new inspirations. I can’t just keep beating these dead horses.

It kills me to not be friends with him, with any of them, but I can’t. I always want more, it’s a terrible ache, an unjust lust. I need to say goodbye for now, farewell.

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