Potty Politics: Peeing With the Door Open, Gender and the Number Two

everybody poops

The number of the day is two.

I consider myself an open person. I have nothing to hide. I thoroughly enjoy peeing with the door open! It’s freeing. It’s a wonderful feeling of intimacy.

For some people it’s a big deal to pee in front of a partner, like some next level shit. Not me! I’ll pop a squat almost anywhere in front of almost anyone.

Like a drunk guy peeing on a dumpster after a college football game, I give zero fucks. Hell, I will fall in love with the person who lights the bong for me while I’m taking a poop.

I once discretely pooped in a lake while fishing with my dad. Several moments later a family in a paddle boat churned right through it. That was fun. Gotta love nature though. Rules are different out there.

At home I don’t know many, even open people, who poop with the door open or with a roommate or lover in the shower. Oooo that noxious smell! The plopping and splashing! TMI alert! It’s just bad etiquette, bro, unless you are fucking the person or extremely open and comfortable. Normally it’s mellow with the yellow and not down with the brown.

toilet

I mean sometimes desperate situations call for desperate measures. In that case proper poop etiquette is not an option. Shit happens. Hey, everybody poops. Pooping in the stall next to someone is not quite reinacting Two Girls One Cup.

I’ve gotten explosive diarrhea at a wedding (that I was a total date too, so nobody knew me). It was a small venue. I was doin’ my thaang in the bathroom. Really enjoying the meal currently making my butthole a burning ring of fire. Hershey squirts all day. Guess who walks in?

The motherfucking bride! I’m having an ass-splosion in the stall and the beautiful blushing bride and her bustle buttoning bridesmaids in ill fitted pink satin tea length dresses come giggling in. Let’s just say I made quite an impression.

Some poop classifications from the Comedy Central poop list:

Ghost Poop- You feel the poop in the toilet but there is no poop in the toilet

Clean Poop- There is poop in the bowl but none on the tp

Second Wave Poop- You think you are done. Get the pants up. Surprise! Not done.

Wet Cheeks Poop (aka the power dump)- Leaves your body with such force that you get splashed with water

Corn Poop- Self explanatory

Gassy Poop- Giggles ensue

Upper Class Poop- This poop doesn’t smell

The Dangling Poop- This poop refuses to drop, and you pray that a shake sets it to swim with the fishes

I came to shit but only farted, now I sit here broken hearted. One of my favorite bits of potty poetry. I love reading bathroom graffiti. Especially when multiple people get in on it and escalate it. Jane loves Jim, then someone writes Jane has herpes, well your mom has herpes. Yea, because she slept with Jane. Fair enough… I often want to write rebuttals. Call insert mortal enemy’s name here for a good time on the bathroom stall. If we can pee in peace why can’t we be in peace?

My best friend and I will talk on the phone while pooping. I always laugh when she flushes the toilet at the end of the conversation. She is pretty much the only person I will at least admit to that I’m pooping while talking to her.

You know what really grinds my gears? Roommates who don’t replace the toilet paper. Don’t use the last slice and let me frantically search with cheeks clenched for something to wipe with at 3am. It’s like filling up the ice cube trays, doing the dishes,and taking out the trash, just do it!

I will poop anywhere. For a lot of people it is extremely scary to drop a deuce in a public potty. Bars especially! It’s definitely not fun to drop bombs while hovering over enemy waters. And come on ladies and gentleman clean up after yourself, we are all adults, don’t leave skids and drips for someone else to clean up.

Others are scared of public restrooms for more than just the germ factor. People who are transgender or non-conforming gender fluid face discrimination when trying to complete necessary and private bodily functions.

gender neutral

People are being dragged out of stalls for not being born the gender that is posted on the door (no pun intended).

It’s not right! Every person should be treated with respect and welcomed. In a perfect world there would be totally gender neutral or unisex facilities or at least an option of a private or “family” bathroom.

If I owned a bar it would be beautifully genderless, the bathroom signs would say Butch and Femme. You will go where you feel, not what outdated bullshit gender norms dictate.

It’s important to stand in support with our trans brothers and sisters, they have enough on there plate as it is and shouldn’t have to worry about bathroom politics. You should feel empowered not harassed.

A woman screams if a cisgendered man walks into the bathroom by accident. What are we really afraid of there?

I have used the men’s room in several situations when the women’s line was too occupied. I even remember being a little kid and seeing a little boy in the restroom with his mother and it was ok, but if I was in the store with my father I was sent in to pee alone, a girl in the men’s room is unacceptable. Or say I go with my grandfather somewhere and he needs help, I’m going to help him regardless of what the sign says.

Check out the site safe2pee.org for a more in depth discussion about public restrooms. It’s important.

So the moral of this blog is to own your humanity and not take shit or the act of pooping so seriously. Everybody has to use the bathroom, it’s nature. Nobody should ever be afraid of that for any reason.

And if you do go, light a match for goodness sake.

Do you have any embarrassing poop stories? Let um rip in the comments below!

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