She’s Just Not That Into You

“There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save”

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars

We all have two or three of those people in our lives that when we see them walking towards us, we cross to the other side of the street. We avoid their favorite haunts, we bypass parties that they might be attending, and we even refuse to enter restaurants when they are sitting in the front window. Most of those are former lovers with whom the relationship soured or that we culled from our lives before anything serious developed.

So what, if anything, do we owe people we went on a few dates with then decided not to proceed? Do we always have to be friends in the end??

Last weekend, I’ll admit I fled instead of facing an awkward conversation with a guy I met while on rebound last summer. At the time, I was getting over an intense love affair and figured the best way to get over someone was to get under someone.

But it isn’t always that simple. In this particular case, an unfamiliar touch just made me long for my former lover even more. And, as if matters weren’t complicated enough, now I was seemingly leading on a perfectly nice guy into thinking we were about to start something.

I’m not particularly proud of this, but I avoided his calls for as long as possible before squeaking out an email explaining how he might have gotten the idea that I wasn’t interested when I didn’t return any of his calls. I’d like to think I have decent instincts when it comes to dating, whereas some are completely clueless. If you call me three times and I don’t respond, chances are I don’t want to see you again.   I may be busy, but I’m never too busy to pick up the phone and return a call to someone I really want to see again.

By the time I returned home from a more delicious breakfast than I would have gotten had I not fled, I had received a passive aggressive five paragraph email where the amount of times he stressed there were no hard feelings was tantamount to admitting there were hard feelings. Just wanted to let you know I’m the bigger person here, his email seemed to say.

So here’s my question for you readers: did I owe him that grown-up conversation where we pretend to care about each other’s lives or was I justified in turning around and hitting up another one of this city’s fine breakfast establishments?

5 comments

  • “i’m not sorry there’s nothing to save”
    agh, i always though he said “say.”

    that was fun to read.
    my answer: nope

  • …”the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” oh that old advice. so true, it never really works.

  • @kittydanger – i always thought it was say too! that makes just as much sense, if not more.

    @cassie – it has been known to work, but only in very few select cases… and usually only for so long. i guess there is no real method to get over someone, just time.

  • Yeah – I’ve done the same thing Jess. I’m also not proud, and the “I’m a bigger person than you email” when it comes days, or even months later is all the worse because we know we kind of deserve it. We’re grownups. Even one date in, you at least owe another grown-up the respect of saying “Thanks, but no thanks.”

    I actually get a squiggly shame-y feeling in my tummy when I think of those avoided phone calls…

  • Fuck. I can’t really express my opinion on this without writing a book in here. Suffice to say I’ve been affected by this sort of situation way too many times. And it never gets easier. transparency could prevent a lot of damage.

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