Smells Like Sex and Reefer: The Nose Tells No Lies

What does sex really smell like?

My roommate was accosted at a mini mart just trying to live her life and get some breakfast sandwiches. “I bet you have a man at home. He probably smells like sex too.” Or a soccer mom not whispering but whispering to herself “she smells like sex .”

What the fuck?! I definitely know that we smell different due to hormones and what time of the month it is. A post sex pussy is more pungent than an undersexed kitten, but still sweet, not intruding, not something that should be whispered about under baited breath.

It is sexy, it should be worn proud, it is natural, beautiful, and anyone who mentions it is only jealous that they weren’t the one who caused it. She deserves pleasure, she wears it well.

I often smell like weed and masturbation. Is that the same as sex? A fishy musk with a skunk undertone. I smell like dirty socks and last night’s fishnets. I smell like high heel shoes that have been danced in. I smell like swamp ass and good times. Do I smell like Teen Spirit? Or whatever that means.

I love a person with a rich odor. I feel like that’s the secret dirty hippie living inside of me. A person who has worked hard all day. Fixing the car, pounding on drums, or whatever makes people sweat. I love the smell of sex and candy yeah. More like sex and whiskey with a side of bacon though, that’s what I really like.

I hate too much cologne or perfume on a person. Its terrible when bro-douches bathe in AXE before leaving their scummy little bat caves. Or like cheap old man cologne, or dollar store knock offs of Calvin Klein, yuck.

Women go overboard too sometimes. I know my mom enjoys spraying her perfume in the close quarters of the car. It’s not delicious to get that shit in your eyes and orifices. Why would you want to hide your natural smell?

I do like essential oils, though. In small doses they go great with body chemistry and enhance your own smells. Warning: It is possible to overdose on patchouli and it should not take the place of bathing. But there is something to be said for au naturel.

Back in the days of Marie Antoinette, bitches never took showers or baths, even royalty. They just put on powders and perfumes and giant wigs and lush garments to cover up their body odor. I often feel like that’s what I do when I’m on stage. I forget to wash that thong that matches my pasties or the last pair of thigh highs I have that doesn’t have a run.

12187863_10102734061231328_7002025251388096328_nIts awful, and another reason why the fantasy of a performer is always better than the reality. In the fantasy I am perfection, in reality I am crusty and rank. I no longer shave my armpits, legs, or lady parts but it’s so blonde naturally that it doesn’t matter. I belong barefoot and outside, covered in earth and summer sweat. I do enjoy being a sparkling diamond as well, but it definitely is hard work.

On Beggars Night, I dressed up like Courtney Love in the 90’s, the other bartender was Kurt Cobain, I even had a lil Francis Bean doll. I had a broken cigarette in my mouth all night and kept swearing and saying that baby Francis Bean did all my coke and that’s why she was with me at the bar. I was definitely method acting all night. I ate a special mushroom chocolate and really went deep. I even fell down the stairs after threatening to smash a pumpkin.

I woke up slightly more Courtney than before, makeup more smeared and life more a mess. God damn did I smell. I smelled like spilled beer and other people’s cigarettes. I worked all night and then partied on like Wayne. I wonder what perfume Courtney Love wears? I bet its Chanel No. 5 mixed with unicorn tears, whiskey vomit and cigarette ash.

The other day I had the unfortunate occurrence of being the stinkiest person in the thrift store. It was a chilly day, so I decided to pick a scarf up off of the floor. The drive to the store I kept thinking, damn, what crawled into my car and died? Then I got there and it followed me. It was only after I left that I realized one of my cats had pissed on said scarf.

I was living my crazy cat lady fantasy. Awesome. I was the stinky kid at school. I’m often the stinky kid in the room now; because I smell like I tackled a rabid skunk, but that’s different. Hehe.

Smell is so important, pheromones are the basis of attraction. Certain smells evoke chemical responses in our bodies. Wear perfumes wisely and clean your bits and pieces, never be ashamed of smelling like sex, and listen to all your senses (especially smell) when choosing a mate.

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