headphones

These days, many women walk around playing with their phones or other devices like they’re people with lives and interests and hobbies and friends. Often they’re wearing headphones, presumably listening to Lilith Fair playlists on Spotify or podcasts about diva cups.

This means they’re not interested in being talked to by men they don’t know, and you should leave them alone.

Or does it?

Some of these women might be in serious relationships or be lesbians or maybe they’re just not looking for anything right now. Some of them could be giant bees disguised as humans and to anger them might put you in danger of being swarmed by the entire hive. In any of these cases, particularly the latter, it’s probably best to just give them a wide berth and go on your merry way.

But a lot of women wearing headphones on the bus or at the mall or while out for a jog are just waiting for you to stop them and talk to them. Why? Because the headphones they’re wearing are actually cursed relics, and they’re completely bound and under a power other than their own. They’d welcome a confident, easy-going man coming along and motioning for them to remove their headphones so that he may talk to them. And banish the malevolent spirit inhabiting those headphones back to the nightmarish hellscape from whence it came.

What To Do To Get Her Attention

  1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 metres between you). Any less than this and you risk the demon presence’s aural tendrils latching to your eyes and the tip of your penis and draining the life force from within you, leaving you a dried-out husk and it more powerful than ever before.
  2. Hold whichever blessed vestige you intend to use to quell her curse in a confident, easy-going manner.
  3. If she hasn’t already raised her unnatural gaze toward you, simply flourish the Sword of Magisterial Truth before the dead galaxies which were once her eyes, until they meet yours. Begin to chant your litany. She most likely won’t be able to hear you, but it’s just a way of showing her that you’re trying to wrestle her everlasting soul from the malediction which has plagued her lo these many years.
  4. Once you do have her attention, by proxy of the unholy horror whose grip she is ensorcelled by, continue your sacred invocation with renewed fervor. The profane demigod who is controlling her will undoubtedly assault you with a barrage of visions of your family being tortured and dismembered in ways so unimaginable and horrific that your overwhelming instinct will be to fall prostrate in supplication and surrender for eternity to the void. But do not let your confident, easy-going manner waver, this is just how many women play hard to get and test a man’s persistence.
  5. Once the terrible spirit begins to physically manifest itself, the battle is almost won. It is now time to use against it the sacrosanct items you have brought to dispel it from our dimension forever. Be mindful that some malicious deities’ corporeal forms must be pierced by a divine implement, while others can only be defeated by having their own magic turned back against them. If the latter is the case, make sure you have with you an enchanted mirror or crystal. Also, don’t forget to keep things flirty.

For example, in a shopping mall or behind a corrupted church where dark rites are frequently performed:

You: [Smile confident and easy-goingly] HEAR ME, GROTESQUE HELLSPAWN! I HAVE COME TO SMITE YOUR COUNTENENCE FROM THIS HALLOWED PLANE! BY WHAT RUBRIC DO YOU COMMAND YOUR CATASTROPHE?

Woman: Jessica.

You: [Add in some playful banter to get a spark going between you] COOL TO MEET YOU, JESSICA. I DON’T NORMALLY EXORCISE GIRLS WITH HEADPHONES, BUT YOURS ARE FIERY PILLARS THREATENING TO CAUSE THE FIRMAMENT TO CRASH DOWN UPON US ALL AND BEGET OUR RUIN.

Woman: [Possibly sputtering an incomprehensible guttural language, spewing thick noxious fumes] Hi.

If it’s clear that she’s interested in battling with you for the very future of humankind, sit and chat with her for a bit before getting her phone number and rending the fabric of existence to exile her malignant spectral puppeteer.

Common Mistakes That Guys Make When Approaching Women Wearing Cursed Headphones

  1. Not knowing what kind of curse they’re up against

One of the biggest mistakes guys make when approaching a woman wearing cursed headphones is not having done his research. Knowing the difference between an ancient Sumerian curse and an ancient Phoenician one can mean the difference between saving your town or having all the liquid in your body burst through your flesh in every direction at once. This isn’t amateur hour, so if you don’t want every child born on earth for the next two hundred years to be stunted goat-goblins, read your grimoires, guys. It’s all in there.

  1. Not being confident and easy-going

You should have a confident, easy-going manner.

  1. Taking “No” for an answer

Whether it’s winning a vicious confrontation with an all-consuming eidolon or winning the heart of a beautiful young woman, the key is always persistence. If she won’t take those headphones off, keep trying. Women are attracted to unwavering, borderline-threatening determination in men, and demons fear it. So don’t allow “no” to even be part of your vocabulary. Unless, of course, you’re uttering the phrase “erok aanul no fadeem kruul” as part of your cantrip to excommunicate a powerful apparition back to N’eleth Tul, in which case obviously the ritual won’t work without it.

With all these tips, you should be well on your way to seeking out and talking to women wearing cursed headphones and breaking the curses forced upon them. Of course, not every woman wearing headphones is wearing cursed headphones, but the only way to find out for sure is to get out there, be confident and easy-going, talk to them, and see what happens when you throw the mystical astral powder into their eyes that you obtained from that high-ranking necromancer!

Photo by cinnamon_girl via Flickr

Ed’s Note: In case you don’t know and think Johnny Scott has lost it, this article is a parody of a really terrible post on another site. We don’t want to give them direct traffic, but Google “How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones” and you’ll find it. Also, yes, Johnny Scott did in fact lose it a few years ago, but apparently has found it again. When we find out exactly what “it” is, we’ll let you know.

creeper

I often feel like the creepy guy in the corner jerking off.

How did I get here? (This is not my beautiful wife, this is not my beautiful house…) Do they notice I am here? I feel different, and that sometimes socially isolates me. I oogle at the other burlesque dancers. Beauties, pure delight, smooth skin, perfect shapes and proportion. The best asses in town topped with the sweetest personalities around. They are all anybody’s definition of physical perfection. I’d eat from their shoes.

wayne and garth

I constantly feel the need to yell “I AM NOT WORTHY!” like Wayne and Garth at the feet of rockstars. In awe of my surroundings.  My life is truly blessed.

 

dominatrix burlesque

Look deeper, listen to them talk and laugh, spill about their own insecurities and bullshit. These people that I idolize, hold with such a high standard, are at the end of the day just normal people who poop and bleed, putting their tassels on one at a time like everyone else.

We are all humans: “beautiful” and “ugly” are relative, we all see a different monster when we look in the mirror. Everyone is so preoccupied with their own flaws that they cease to even notice yours. That is why caring about what others think of you is really stupid, we need to take care of ourselves and not give in.

sexy freaks

Wish I was faster and less depressed by others’ happiness. I am a lump covered in strange skin lesions, I am fat, I am smelly, I have hairy armpits, and an inch of roots on my bleached out hair. I am nothing like these visions of glory, I am a slob, a festering pile of yuck.

I AM BEAUTIFUL! 

trollKnow that because we are not perfect we inspire others who are not perfect to love themselves too. It is a responsibility to show the world that no matter what you look like you have the right to be accepted and celebrated.

You too can lead a glorious existence! I remember once saying “I am a troll” out loud, and I was literally dressing up like a goon. Dumb. Why do I even care about what society likes? Life is a freakshow attraction. People like me regardless of how well I play by the rules, the art outside the lines is impactful.

Fun fact, did you know there is a thing called soaking? It is when you insert the penis into the vagina and just let it chill. It hangs out until it cums, no thrusting necessary.

That sounds pointless. Literally just getting your dick wet doesn’t sound remotely enjoyable. Its like what happens when a gay man and a lesbian try to make a baby, are we there yet? I told you we should have used a turkey baster.

I always thought it would be funny to have like 10 butch lesbians with turkey basters full of jizz squirting them all on one guy, lesbukkake anyone? Let’s turn those tables. Break down hetero-normativity in every single way. I am a squirter, so it definitely feels powerful to get to jizz on someone, I get it.

I am going to be thirty this year, dirty thirty, that means my egg timer is almost up and I should be looking for a good god fearing white man of similar or hopefully higher socioeconomic status to make mutant republican babies with and move to the suburbs where my dreams can rot in a three bedroom ranch.

I want to spend my dirty thirty with thirty of my most down ass friends covered in shit. Literal feces. It will be the dirtiest party of them all. I am already borderline incontinent, last night I drunkenly peed on my feet while trying to relieve myself in an ally.

I held a frozen burrito under my arm, being denied bathroom access at the store I took it upon myself to wash their sidewalk with a flood of golden glory. Never going to top drunkenly peeing on church steps and not getting laid because I totally didn’t wipe though. That takes the cake. Chocolate cake brown like the shit stains in my Zubaz.

animal house

I am a creep, watching women undress in front of me, feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed there. That’s how I feel when people show me affection, I can’t believe this vision of loveliness wants ME?! You sure you got the right guy?

I watch from a distance while other people get off. I have sat in my car and watched people fuck with an open window. I once sat on a roof overlooking an office building and watched a guy jerk off at 2am. Photos of his family were hung on the walls. I still wonder what kind of kinky shit he was watching. I’m sure it was the gayest scat fisting gang bang porn imaginable.

alphaeus-philemon-cole-peeping-tom

Peeping Toms and shower windows make a great pair. I was recently sitting on my friend’s porch, drinking beers, smoking some jazz cigarettes, shooting the shit, sun setting, ya know stoop life at its finest. And all of a sudden I look up and notice a frosted window on the second floor of the house next to us with a light on.

Suddenly one shadow appears, then a second. It is easy to decipher that this is a shower, they each wash off, and easier to notice that the couple started to have sex. You could see the outline of her breasts and ass, I could not see his boner shadow though, bummer. Sexy silhouette sex right in front of my peeping eyes, we were all wide eyed.

The slap heard around the world made me think they knew we were watching, if we can hear them they can also hear us. It was a short fuck, it seemed fake, like in Austin Powers when he was making shadow scenes look dirty. I kept feeling like I was going to get Punk’d.

I like this channel.

nakedbike

Having sex so hard it breaks furniture is an awesome life goal to have, extreme bump and grind. I was once sleeping with a guy in a fancy hotel and we did our puzzle so hard the headboard came off the wall. It was incredible.

I have broken my fair share of bed frames with rambunctious coitus. This time it was the box spring, right in the middle, his thrusting or my riding? Which one of us should sleep in the hole? Neither one of us cares at that point.

broken bed

The best part of owning your own home or even just living by yourself (or partner) is having sex in every single room of the house. Up against the dining room table, leaning over the bathroom sink, on the couch, on the recliner, against the kitchen counter, on the washing machine during spin cycle, in the hallway, and then the forever classic bedroom sexcapades.

I once had a California king sized bed in my living room. It was the cuddle puddle. We had our TV in the fireplace, it was lovely. There were plush unicorns, artistic stuffed tentacles, and all the pillows imaginable. The perfect place to have sex except for the fact it was in the middle of the most trafficked area of the house. I know that at least one of my roommates had sex in the bed.

I have an affinity for vintage couches. There is one in particular that probably needs to just get burned. Trying to have sex on it would be painful, protruding springs and no padding making it virtually impossible to climax. The intense squeaks and moans of old furniture is the worst. Nothing discreet about it.

couch

Who doesn’t like the idea of being watched? Voyuerism is participation, baby. The only time it ever happened was in the same hotel room where we ripped down the headboard. My friend and my dude’s friend were in the next bed over. It was lovely to watch them while doing it myself. We weren’t touching but we were definitely connected.

There is a thrill when you think you are going to get caught. When someone might walk in the room and see you getting it on. I am a burlesque dancer, I give the illusion of sex and sultriness.Brings me back to high school and getting caught by my boyfriend’s mom, awkward sauce.

I once had a roommate who lived in the living room with cubicle walls as her walls. There was no privacy, it drove her crazy. I am the kind of person that will poop with the door open. I have been referred to as a “mud woman” by my other roommate.

I am always naked. I love it. I am proud of my body and understand its imperfections. I love to show it proud as much as I can. nakedbikeride

The World Naked Bike Ride is going to be happening again in Buffalo this coming Saturday. I am excited to participate again. It was truly magical. Although it will be bittersweet because my trike is out of commission. The back axel snapped. It was ok though because I didn’t get hurt, and like three beautiful lesbians ran out of a tattoo shop to make sure I was ok.

My dad helped me order a new trike, its collapsible and awesome, but now that looks like an eBay scam. Boo. Thankfully my friend is letting me borrow her old trike for Saturday. I know it’s mostly mental but I am legit scared to ride a regular two wheel bicycle.

The Naked Bike Ride’s motto is Nude Not Lewd! Less Gas More Ass!  It is about cycling being good for the environment, lessening the stamp we put on the environment with transportation and the burning of fossil fuels. The naked bike ride is also about bringing awareness of cyclists in general and sharing the road safely.

You can see me now when I’m naked, tits to the wind, but you don’t see me when I am fully clothed with reflective safety gear on. Cars are oblivious to bikes, it’s dangerous even in the bike lane.

Last year I was slow riding and ended up falling to the back of the pack, the police escort was the only thing behind me. I felt like a nude fugitive.

Being naked outside during the day is sensational. There were more naked guys than girls, a lot of meat and potatoes in the wind. Very few naked ladies. I get it. I feel like a troll doll most of the time. I am a day rise vampire. Bathing in sun rays only to turn to dust. As I sit here the construction workers outside have already starting drilling so what does it matter anyways.

burlesqueI should be making pasties, which I will be giving to girls at the ride to encourage nudity. It’s amazing what a little nipple disc can do for someones confidence, add tassels and they are unstoppable for life.

The moral of this blog is that life is too short not to have sex in every room of the house. It’s  kind of hot if people watch, and riding your bike naked in the sun with a thousand other people is the best feeling in the world.

Be empowered, enjoy life to the fullest, never be afraid. If they are gonna watch, give um a show!

P.S. I am looking for questions for future Ask Cat Blogs! Ask Away…

sunshine

Its interesting to me that I haven’t been writing about sex lately. My sexual writers block is caused by me actually having a sex life of late.

It is easy to write about anonymous faces or generalized sexual partners, but when you are getting it on the regular there is less to talk about because you are practicing it. I’m less concerned with chasing tail once its in my bed warm and waiting.

I came home to someone sleeping in the broken spot in my bed, I took off all of my clothes and climbed in. Right where I belonged in that moment. Sticky sweaty skin, soft flesh melting into more tender loveliness. I can go into detail about the sun coming through the window and the exact sounds and smells, the wonderful warmth.

Some things cannot be defined by words alone. A smile upon waking, my legs fit inside yours. Its nice to know that I wasn’t the only one wondering, what if? I run my finger down the nape of your neck and see you shiver with antici……pation.

I am more of an expert at longing for some touch, rather than actually having someone. I don’t believe in ever really “having” anyone, people aren’t propery. It is easy to preach about self confidence and feeling good about life regardless of your relationship status, but living it is a different story.

I always say that true love should be effortless, pure joy, constant stream of brilliant moments and moments where you must lift each other to brilliance. I was once told that I would never find love if I didn’t lose weight, but then I learned to love myself. There is more to love when you love each inch.

Do opposites really attract? I feel as though you must have some things in common to spark that initial fire, but you can’t be the same person. I always look for someone as out there and artistically over achieving as I am. There cannot be light without dark, you cannot know true bliss without knowing the bitter taste of defeat and sadness. The placement of the darkest shadow and most brilliant highlights is the main element of successful art.

I was in California and I couldn’t imagine having weather that pleasant all year round. Eternal summer. I need that six months of winter to hibernate and make art. If I were able to frolic about and play in the sunshine all year I would never get shit done.

I am so easily distracted by the summertime feel fine way of life. I want to lay in the sun in a field of flowers and stretch out as far as I can with the life affirming warmth beating down on me. It’s like love, to appreciate the good times you need to survive the rest of times. You need to have a job to appreciate days off.

travel
I had never traveled that far from home, I roamed away from Buffalo. I felt a little like Hunter S Thompson heading to Las Vegas to pick up a flight to San Diego. Instead I should rent the biggest reddest oldest convertible there is and drive it across the desert. No looking back, no surrender.

Humans are meant to wander, to move around, experience things. If we stay in place we become stupid and stagnant, fenced in by our own insecurities and fears. It’s a horrible life to not want more, to not wonder what else is out there, to see how other people live, to notice the differences and relish in the familiar moments.

Las Vegas is a place I never wanted to meet, slot machines at every turn, I thoroughly dislike gambling. There is something so creepy about the subliminal hum of casinos. The elderly and addicted sitting like drones pushing buttons and pulling levers. Its downright freaky to me. If I’m going to waste my money its going to be on something that makes me happy. Physical things should never be the cause of happiness. Money will never be the cause of happiness.
Marilyn-Monroe-and-Turret-pg183-copy

I visited Coronado Island in San Diego. It was where Some Like It Hot was filmed. Gold flecked beaches shimmered brilliantly. I stood in the same place that Marilyn Monroe stood.

It was magical, but it also made me think that she was just a woman, doing her thing in the height of her life and popularity. She had no idea that her image would make such an impact on the world. Her beauty radiates throughout generations who were not even alive yet. Icon status.

People often compare me to her, I think merely because of the blondness and buxom nature of our curves. The curse of curves, the curves that possibly got her murdered by the Kennedys. Someone told me today that I smile like Marilyn, big and cheesy, a lot hiding in that smile. some like it hot
I was dumped once for being unnaturally happy, never arguing or fighting the entire relationship. He couldn’t stand it. I thought of myself as more of a ray of sunshine to his clouds.

It is easier to be openly flirty once you have already been inside someone. Asking for more is different than asking for the first time. Uncertainty is terrifying. It is also what life is all about, taking chances. The idea of being shot down by a love interest is as scary as the idea of being shot down in the streets by a robber.

Successful relationships come down to who did the dishes and took the garbage out, superficial bullshit that is actually a big symbol of respect. Little things count.

Life is more than just beautiful moments and physical attraction. You must work hard and struggle before success is handed to you. Take the good with the bad and fall in love with the journey.

Marilyn Monroe is a timeless beauty, she will never age in our minds because she was taken before her time, dead before she got too old to wrinkle. Love your wrinkles and curves, live in the moment, travel as much as possible, compliment others, and love hard. You never know when your sun will set. Life is only right now, bask in its glory.

melissa campbell buffalo infringement

To kick off ASK CAT, a new monthly advice column on FTB, Cat McCarthy dared her Facebook friends to ask her anything about Sex, Dating, Politics, Art, Feminism, Activism, LGBTQ issues, Drugs, Culture, etc. We published the first three responses and now the rest.

Now, it’s your turn. ASK CAT anything: Cat@ForgetTheBox.net

Dear Cat, What should I do if I wake up in between two dudes with cake smeared all over my chest, I’m wearing a 1980s blond wig, I’m thirsty, my feet are bound together, my nose is running and one of them looks like the messiah….while some famous director is filming me in his bloody underwear. Should I wait for an invite to the threesome?

– Melissa Campbell

Hi Melscamp! As you know from personal experience I am not the person to ask about joining into a threesome. While I have had several successful and life changing threeways in my life they don’t always end well for me. It will not work if you feel self conscious, if you feel like they are more interested in each other and not you, or if the girl doesn’t like you but the guy does and you would both rather just be with him. Threesomes must be mutual, all on the same playing field.

she lives richard simmons cat sinclairDid you smear the cake before you fell asleep? Is it tasty? Were you drunk or on drugs? Is this consensual? Are the guys hot? Is that REAL blood? Why is Dirty Jesus called that? Do you want this? Are you in the non-consent yurt? Is there a lambskin condom?

I know you are into some kinky shit, so in my opinion, YES, get into that threesome. Don’t be like me and wait for the invite, nobody is ever going to invite you, if you are already into it that far with them they want you there! Any self made flaws are not noticed in groupsex.

I once hooked with two friends, they answered the door wearing matching boxer briefs. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I was a goddess to them. Make sure you are being treated with respect and have a safe word. You are a goddess and I blame you for everything

Dear Cat, Which side of a double sided dildo is preferable?

– Velvet

cat noseHi Al! Well my dad always says “if you go to the right, you can’t go wrong,” so the answer is you must spin the dildo
around counterclockwise in the center of a lesbian boob circle and whichever way it lands pick the side to your right, add lube, and enjoy with a special friend on the left end.

Or I would also say inspect the dildo and pick the side with less cat hair stuck to it. Silicone dildos are big time attractors of cat hair (which is prevalent in most lesbian relationships, the most common owners of double ended dildos).

Got a question for Cat? Ask it: Cat@ForgetTheBox.net

scream of horror

I was once told that I did not give adequate blow jobs. This infuriated me, just the fact that I am putting your dirty little pee hole in my mouth at all should be enough right? He then proceeded to show me some porn videos that he liked as tips. I remember studying the technique, how they ran their fingers down the shaft, keeping pressure on the base, not just focusing on one part but all of it. All of these movies have the same ending, a girl covered in mangasm. Gross.

My blow job skills are subjective, another dude I hooked up with told me I was the best he ever had (but maybe he tells that to everyone) and he still fantasizes about me. The best art is getting it over my pretty-little-innocent-porcelin- face. Right? Thats like the goal isn’t it? Gross!

People get really turned on by my phone sex operator voice and lush red laquored mouth. Im not always total freak in bed, she exists only lost in a fleeting moment or lost in love. Let go and be crazy. I don’t know if I have ever really had an orgasm or been in love. Or if I had then it didn’t change my life like a fairytale.

The way people write about and describe orgasms and love I would think that you would know if you had it. I just don’t. I have such high expectations for things that sometimes its impossible for all of them to come true.

It’s the same with my shows and art, but with those things it is almost easier because it is so on a stage and public. I can have flaws and they are celebrated. People enjoy the fact that I am funny and imperfect, they can relate to me. Fake it till you make it.

I can never complain about lack of sex l, I know I can get it whenever I want, its just a matter of wanting. I yearn for substance, not talking money or stuff, but compatibility in ways that nobody else understands.

My problem with relationships is that I always move too fast, and I am not immediately good at things. I need to practice being with this person, learn what they like, what makes them purr. That can’t happen in one night.

It is possible to have instant attraction, electric turn on lust rush. That’s what songs are written about, but every time that has happened to me it was fueled by an alcohol/ drug/ vacation induced confidence.

I was the most charming woman ever. They didn’t see my flaws yet, they saw what I wanted to show them, they never knew about my dandruff or wonky toenails. I know what to cover up and what to expose to make me seem perfect and sexy.
starfish sex

Am I a starfish? Do I just sit there and let them take me? I don’t think so… I enjoy switching it up. I wonder when people decide not to become repeat offenders? Now unfuckable?

I wish the end of every relationship or even one night stand could have a proper autopsy. I would like to learn about what went so wrong and know how to get better. Having bad sex is the absolute worst, you should never be sitting there waiting for it to end, that means you are doing it wrong.

I need to feel invited to join in. I was recently in a situation where three people started having sex in the same bed as me. For some reason I did not really participate, I didn’t leave either. I just watched, front row seat. Studied the way they touched each other, listened to the noises, basically being a real creep.

For some reason I just didn’t feel compelled to join in, they were all incredibly attractive humans doing hot stuff to each other, it was like live action porn, what is wrong with me? I am thrust into opportunities that I need to grab on to. I needed to just lick some nipples, kiss some lips, and caress.

I think about the moments that I let pass by. Moments where I wanted someone but didn’t tell them. Fear kept me planted. It rooted me as a bystander in my own reality. I wonder if it’s a defense mechanism. I suck at making the move and therefore should not go after people who are just like me.

It doesn’t make sense to me when I find someone who is perfect, really gets me and makes me laugh. This person keeps on living, going on just fine without me there, eating, pooping, and creating art with someone else.

Everyone I have thought I loved thus far has been or become unrequited. What does she have that I don’t? Is her pussy tighter, skin softer, sounds sexier? Do you tie her up? Does she peg? Do her nipples squirt whiskey? I don’t get it.

I am the most amazing woman that nobody wants. I wish I could be more open about getting what I desire in this world. The problem is that I need to explore myself to find out what I like and don’t like. Being lousy at sex is due to poor communication and lack of confidence.

berriesJust because I didn’t end up being what all my ex lovers want doesn’t mean I am at all undesirable to someone I haven’t even met yet. Sex is more than just mating or getting off, its emotional, all encompassing. I have been with people who were ravenous for my body. Throw me up against the wall or down on the bed, then to the curb.

I don’t ever want to be owned.  Life is beautiful. I am sick of wasting time wanting the unattainable. I want to be able to love someone and be confident in that but still have freedom to access the world’s fruit. Who cares if I suck at sex? Practice makes perfect right.

 

WINGWOMAN

I have the gift of bringing people or situations together. I’m an artist, I have a keen eye for seeing other people check each other out and even more so when it is one of my friends.

The most important part of being a great wingwoman is to know when to walk away. There is a fine line between a clingy friend and helping a bro out.

You can’t be in competition with your friends, the game is to motivate them. You have to boost your friend’s confidence and keep her looking good, no TP stuck to the shoe here.

Be the conversation starter if your friend is nervous, pump them up. Be a good cock block for your bro too, make sure nobody else tries to get in on your bud’s prospect.

It’s a beautiful sight to give your friend some words of advice, give them a hearty “Go get um tiger!” slap on the ass and watch the magic ensue. It’s important to adapt and blend into the wallpaper when necessary. You have to get them set up and make sure that your friend is consenting and wants this person.

Some techniques I use to seamlessly ghost out of a situation are going to the bathroom and never coming back, running to the car to smoke a bowl and never coming back, or just ghosting out with no explanation at all.

Leave your friend a “stranded” damsel in a dress. Oh no! my ride ditched me, guess I have to get a ride home from you while batting their eyelashes seductively.

My best wing woman moment was when I was visiting Florida. My friend lived there. She met this girl online and their first date was to drive upstate to get me and then we were going to go party in Miami.

We had an incredible night at a burlesque lesbian sushi bar that ended with us running out of gas on a six lane highway in the wee hours of morning. While we were waiting for a tow I was in the front seat. I told them to both go in back, I could feel the hot and heaviness coming on. So I pretended to fall asleep. They checked me several times to make sure I was legit sleeping to be respectful, and then got hot and heavy in the back. My eyes were glued shut so it was the best porno ever, my imagination is better than anything.

A Cat success story
A Cat success story
They are now engaged. Months later when she popped the question, all I could think is “you’re welcome!” Because of my awesome faux slumber skills they were able to lay the bricks to the foundation of their life together, aka get it on in the back of their SUV.

I have used my fake sleep technique to get myself out of a lot of potentially awkward situations. I’ve noticed that I was a third wheel and had no escape plan because I was drunk, so I just passed out on a couch and let magic happen.

When I cruise for poon I do it alone. I love going into bars, parties, and social situations by myself. I can get anyone I want when I am by myself. I am either a lone wolf or a mama bear.

I will always boost up my friends before myself. I will always hand over the hottie and bounce. But when I’m flying solo watch out!

I play wing for a few times to help you build confidence. After that my biggest advice is to roll solo, that is when you are truly free. You can get sweaty and nasty in a skank pit, stay as late as you want, go where your heart leads, there is nothing or nobody holding you back.

Yes, sometimes it is nice to walk into a bar with someone, but then you just talk to that person and never get to meet new people, if you are alone you are forced out of your comfort zone. You are instantly more appealing and approachable. That is why the best wingman always leaves. You start out as a team and get promoted to lone wolf when you are ready.

I am single, but I am not depressed. I’m currently cleaning my room so I can have future sex in it someday. Others are taking home Cuban male strippers and getting head from strangers in the street and I am making art and writing poems about boys and girls who love me not.

I don’t feel pressured to jump when anyone tells me too, I answer to no one. I’m cool with being a wingman and not a point man. Life is good. My whole life I have been “The Fat Friend” and that is what has turned me into the incredible wingwoman I am today. I love my body.

I understand that many people judge others based solely on their appearance. I know I am sexy, I know I am desirable, I do not need anyone to affirm that for me.

I finally realized that the path to self discovery is in my own head. Of course I want to get fucked more often and find some good ol’ fashioned companionship, but it’s not easy.

My style is to find someone, then silently fall in love and obsess over just that one person until it is too unbearable. Then of course, I run away because I’m a creep. I wish I could be the type of girl who just meets someone at a bar and goes for it right without hesitation.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken plenty of humans home, but not lately. When it comes to love and sex I yearn for something greater, someone who really gets my weird.

Maybe I’m getting older or maybe I just need to find my own unselfish, ride or die wing woman to up my game.

* Featured art by Amy Lynn Duengfelder

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The room is dark but alive with activity. On the main stage strippers – male and female – burlesque artists and fetish performers do their thing, some with volunteers from the audience, some without. Some audience members caress their partners while others scream and cheer. On the main floor merchants peddle everything from vibrators and butt plugs to lingerie and scented candles.

Valentine’s Day is approaching and the Salon de l’Amour et de la Seduction is in full swing.

The Salon de L’Amour et de La Seduction is Montreal’s annual sex show. Every year in one of Montreal’s many exhibition halls – usually Place Bonaventure or the Palais de Congres – merchants, educators, and performers gather together to celebrate sex in all its forms.

There are a lot of myths about sex-related events: that they’re full of freaks, that people behave inappropriately, or that the patrons are old and disgusting or perfectly beautiful in a way that would cow the average Joe into staying away.

Montreal’s Everything-To-Do-With-Sex Show disproves them all.

The crowd is a varied but behaved one; there are people of all races, sexual identities, disability levels, and ages. Some go for the shopping, others go for the performances, while still others go to attend lectures in the seminar room of the exhibition hall.

People think that events like these are full of weirdoes.

You want to meet REAL weirdoes?

Go to a house of worship, or an office, or a political fundraiser. In those places people dress “normally”; they smile when you greet them and are almost irritatingly polite, but what some of them are not telling you about is their deep seated hatred of women and LGBTI people. They won’t tell you that they think sex is disgusting and evil and shouldn’t be enjoyed. They won’t say out loud that they think it should only occur in circumstances that bigoted leaders and outdated books dictate. They won’t tell you this, but they’ll vote for such leaders; they’ll be snarky and cruel behind closed doors, and dole out hatred in a way that falls under the radar of liberal lawmakers.

You want to meet people who are truly normal? You want to meet people who are open-minded and interested in what you say and won’t judge you for your body or your sexual identity or preferences, provided what you do is safe and consensual?

You’ll find them at the Salon de L’Amour et de la Seduction.

Though scores of patrons are elaborately made up and corseted in leather and latex, there is no real dress code and everyone is made to feel welcome. Sex educators offer free advice on everything from safe practices for people with disabilities, to how to find your G-spot or give the perfect blow job or cunnilingus. Are you over 50? No problem! They also have lectures on sex after 50.

Need a new vibe? Sex shops, some online, some with store front, offer a variety of sex toys at discounted prices, and like in a sex shop, the sellers always have batteries on hand so you can test the strength of a vibrator on your hand before you buy it.

But the merchants aren’t all about sex.

There are peddlers for kitchen ware, flat irons for hair, and even heating pads. Corsets can go upwards of 200 bucks if you buy them online or in stores, but you can get a decent one for as little as 35 bucks at the Salon. Newer businesses like Cam4.com and Vanish My Waist use the Salon to get their name out, the former this year offering a free pair of winter gloves with their logo on it.

Despite the glamour and air of welcome, the exhibit is far from perfect. Sitting space for the tired or disabled who need to take a breather are sparse, and the room is hot, a combination of body heat from the scores of patrons and to keep workers and performers – many of whom are scantily clad – comfortable.

If you want to survive at this show, you either have to check your winter coat at the door, or bring a bottle of water. Bottled water at the show sells at an inflated price of about three bucks. Some vendors at the show are unnecessarily aggressive and you have to be comfortable saying no in order to get by them without buying something you’ll never use.

If you like adult films but are uncomfortable buying them online or in a sex shop, you’re shit out of luck. While in previous years a variety of adult films with were available for sale, now only a few Canadian vendors sell them, and these are clearly suck and fuck productions with no story, style, or substance.

I was informed last year by a representative of Good For Her, a female friendly sex shop in Toronto who unfortunately did not have a booth at this year’s exhibition, that the lack of quality porno movies for sale at the show was due to the widespread availability of material online.

It should also be noted that tickets are pricey. A one day pass is about $17.50 plus tax, but for an extra five bucks you can get a weekend pass that will allow you unlimited re-entry for all three days of the show.

Despite its shortcomings, the Salon is worth a visit. Every year I learn something new from the scores of sex educators at the show, and the performances seem to get better every time. Though I usually only go for a day, next year I’m springing for a weekend pass for despite a day surrounded by open-minded leather and latex clad performers and experts, there was still so much to see that I missed out on.

Because of the nature of the show, advertising is limited, so you’ll have to search online next January for the dates of next year’s show.

Check it out.

18+ only, no exceptions, no babies

* Featured image from the 2011 edition of the Salon de L’Amour et de la Séduction by Chris Zacchia

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What bleeds for a week and doesn’t die?

I find myself sitting alone in my bed watching, videos of kittens cuddling with various other cute creatures, orphans getting adopted for Christmas, the reactions of dogs seeing their soldier owners after years of deployment, and more sappiness into the wee hours of morning just weeping. Crying my eyes out for no reason and every reason imaginable. Its ridiculous – I feel weak and powerless over my emotions. Its like that Sarah McLaughlin fucking Angel song is playing on repeat in my brain for the entirety of my red wave.

Recently, I have been really feeling like a WOMAN. I have had my period for about a week now. This month my darling Aunt Flo is a relentless bitch. I love my femininity most of the time, but during my red days I would much rather have a penis, even a small penis would be better than a throbbing, bloody pussy. Penis envy is not my thing, but I would trade her in for a few days each cycle. I know that I am probably no fun during these days. All of the energy is drained out of my body and I catch myself being hormonally cranky and full of pure rage for no apparent reason. I apologize for anyone whom I hurt during this time.

When I am not crying or ready to kill someone, I am ferociously horny. Its insatiable. Time to earn your red wings lover. I do often find that I am pretty much irresistible while bleeding, the bears can smell the menstruation. I smell different and am full of all the hormones – the “whore moans.” I have had some of the best sex of my life while on the rag. Shower sex is so much fun or even just putting a towel down works. I’m a squirter, so I do these things anyways. I even had a bearded gentleman suitor eat me out, while my beef curtains were extra rare. It was fucking intense! He couldn’t help himself, like a wild animal he devoured me. I have had sex with several women while they were on their periods, I did not let the bloodbath scare me. I mean, I definitely concentrated on the clit with my mouth, and let the fingers do all of the dirty work, but it was beautiful and spontaneous. Tasted a little like pennies.

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The day I lost my virginity: I was a young teenager and my boyfriend lived like a half hour away, he had to take the bus to come see me. The night before we messaged each other on AIM, and planned the whole thing. My parents were going to work and he was going to make the trek over to pop my cherry. This is it, I thought, the day I am going to become a woman! So I wake up with a smile on my face, and then look at my panties: SONOFABITCH! I got my period. There was no way to call him off since this was before cell phones were prevalent. So I cleaned it up and pretended like nothing was out of the ordinary. We had sex for the first time and I bled. He was also a virgin and just assumed that all the blood was from my precious little hymen breaking. I started my sexual career based on a lie.

I never read the book but apparently there is a part in 50 Shades of Grey, where he removes her bloody tampon and they get it on. Good for them! I’m happy that this is being discussed. The intimacy of a relationship is built on love and attraction. I am a woman and I bleed, fucking deal with it! If you want to get it on go ahead. Period blood is natural and lubricating. Its not that I want a guy to pull out the tampon and ring it out with his teeth like a delicacy or chew on the blood clots like candy. I just want some consideration down there. It’s easy to wipe your junk off or to take a shower. Could be from red to dark brown clumps, still fine. What’s a little blood and uterus goo between lovers?

I have to admit that I have had my reservations in the past when it came to period sex. Now, I see that it was just the insecurities of my partners at the time that made me think that way. I had been told by too many men that it was gross. You want me to swallow your cum and that’s sexy, but if you get a little blood on your dick that’s gross? Fluids are fluids as far as I’m concerned. I even had a man freak out once when I woke up with my period and stained his sheets. It was mortifying and I felt second-class the way I was treated. Total disrespect.

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Some people are even into blood play. They go as far as cutting each other and having sex in the blood. In a world where HIV is real, I think that is a little dangerous. What I’m talking about is sex with a condom during a light day of my period, not so gross. It is a myth that you cannot get pregnant during your period, so still be safe, please.

People are obsessed with blood to the point that they make art with it. Menstrual blood paintings are a real thing. I once was dressed like a zombie and left a bloody hand print on someone’s wall, that was pretty funny. In college it seemed like every feminist art student made at least once piece with tampons. I made a corset out of tampons and other feminine products. Imagine filling squirt guns with fake blood and having a war with the tampon corsets on, they would puff up. Total period piece.

During the time of the month where our life-giving uterus sheds its lining, women can become ferocious sex crazed beasts. Take advantage of that. Get over the bloody stigma and dive right into the red sea – it is spread open and ready for the taking.

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Many people view women as the taker in most sexual situations, the one who gets fucked, never the fucker. Well, they are mistaken. Although our anatomy is designed to receive we can add a little artificial stimulation to the game in the form of a strap on phallus. Pegging is the slang term for a woman being the giver in an anal sex situation with a man.

I personally love being the penetrator, I have used a strap on or dildo with only three people, two men and one woman. It was so sexy to be in charge of the moans. I definitely see myself as a “power bottom” when it comes to sex and love getting on top and riding as well, but sticking it in and literally getting your dick wet is a power like no other. I can see why men enjoy having penises. Having this thing hanging off of you, ready to push your seed into another being and take control over the intimacy.

Pegging is a lot of work! Its hot, but its hard! Total body work out. You really become thankful for all the glorious pounding that has been done to you over the years. I definitely was dripping in sweat. At one point I flexed like in American Psycho, because, well, I had to. I felt very masculine and it was absolutely exhilarating. Its beautiful to be solely in charge of someone else’s pleasure.

Most straight men are shy or embarrassed about wanting anal penetration from their partner. That’s just plain dumb. If it feels good and it’s what you want, get it bro!

In my experience, the subject doesn’t come up right away, a level of trust needs to be built first. It is not emasculating to have your prostate poked by your lover, it is satisfying and beautiful. I have experienced that most men do enjoy at least a finger in the ass during oral sex, and somehow that’s not embarrassing and not (gasp) gay.

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Women aren’t the only ones with vibrators. Besides pocket pussies and Fleshlights, many “straight” men already have dildos and butt plugs that we don’t know about. It doesn’t make them enjoy having sex with a woman any less or even mean that they are necessarily attracted to men. It just means that they know what they want and reach orgasm from butt play. Simple as that.

It is again fucked up that we live in a society where people are still so scared to be classified as homosexual. Gender and sexuality are so fluid that it doesn’t at all matter where you end up on the Kinsey scale or what you identify as.

For me it is all ever changing and I honestly don’t know what I really want. Only through experimentation and actually getting out there and fucking people in a variety of ways will I find out what really turns me on and gets me off.

I remember being a young teenager and meeting a couple that defied social norms and it changed my life. She was a cousin of a friend, late 20s, and she identified as a lesbian. Her boyfriend was a cis gendered man who identified as gay. She fucked him and they worked. Labels don’t mean shit.

In all the cases it was my partner who brought up the idea of pegging. I am a big woman and have often found lovers that want me to dominate them in some way. This sex act definitely gives you a dominating power, leaving the other person more vulnerable and literally more open than ever before. I’m not going to say they enjoyed the sex more than I did, but they all writhed in pleasure. You have to be very gentle, ease it in, fuck how you would want to be fucked.

It seems like in many cases pegging is just living out a fantasy and being adventurous for one night only. Men may also go outside of the relationship to fulfill this fantasy with someone who is in the BDSM or kink scene just because they are embarrassed or don’t think their partner will understand. Just like anything, communication is the key to success.

Start easy, use small toys and butt plugs to get him ready, don’t just jam a giant punishing cock in there right away. I used a different strap on for each partner, it is special, something you should shop for together. Not like with real cocks where you can’t detach and change it up.

You can really personalize the size, shape, texture, material, and even color of your faux dick. Lube is also very important since the anus does not produce the same natural lubricants as a vagina. You want it to slide in and out with ease, any friction would make the whole thing painful.

It’s important to break down the culturally prescribed gender roles as much as we can. Nobody can tell anybody how to be a woman or be a man. There is no specific set of rules.

If you do what you want it means that you experience things that others will never even try. It’s a shared control, it’s a trust. It doesn’t mean you are less of a woman or he is less of a man. You just have made your own rules and chosen your own sexual adventure.

female ejaculation

My name is Cat and I am a squirter.

It was once something that I was terribly embarrassed of. I remember the first time it ever happened. I thought that I had peed. I was receiving oral sex and gave him a total shower. I was mortified, so was he.

Most bodily fluids gross people out, especially when they think it’s urine (unless people are into golden showers, different story). It was obvious that he thought I pissed all over his face. I swore I didn’t.

gusherEven so, because of the modern porn industry men expect girls to swallow their cum. So if I have to swallow your little spermies you shouldn’t be mad if I squirt all over you. Its the same thing, its proof that you are doing a good job pleasuring me. It didn’t mean that I forgot to do my Kegels.

I admit that I am a leaky bitch. I often pee a little when I sneeze or cough from a killer bong rip, but nothing like this gushing phenomenon. Female ejaculation is a beautiful wonder of nature, it is mysterious and a hot topic of controversy. Its liberation from social normatives.

Squirting scenes are now banned from porn in England. Fisting, face sitting, and abuse are among the other sex acts banned from British porn. These censorship laws only apply to films being made in Britain. They can still watch stuff made in other parts of the world as long they are not blocked by the government.

There is nothing that censors bukkake films (where a bunch of guys jerk off onto a girls face), which is a ridiculous double standard that will make more girls feel like freaks for ejaculating. This should not be taboo.

Men don’t own ejaculation. Just like everything in life, if you tell me I can’t do something because I’m a girl I am going to do it, and do it better and more extreme than most men would ever dream.

It is possible for every woman to ejaculate, however not everyone can soak the wall like I can. I remember my next long term boyfriend loving the fact that I was a squirter. I remember squirting so powerfully that there were drips on his TV and wall all the way across the room.

female ejaculation memeIt was so empowering to find someone who loved the gush. We joked that there needed to be a product called The Fuck Tarp. It would be a portable, waterproof on the bottom side, and made of a highly absorbent space aged material that saved your mattress or whatever you had sex on from the river of lady juice.

I have since harnessed the power of squirting and my partners fucking love it. It’s hot to know that you made someone cum.

It is generally a slightly opaque fluid but sometimes can be see through and odorless, usually it creates a waterfall of activity. I squirt especially hard when I am on top or taken from behind via doggystyle.

It is very easy for most women to fake orgasms, our genitalia are on the inside and we don’t all cum like men do. Unfortunately it is a little more difficult for squirters to fake orgasms.

I know for me there is definitely a point where it feels like my vagina is squeezing the phallus and then it builds up and spasms, then eventually the moment comes where the explosive orgasm leaves my partner dripping in hot, sweet girl gush. I like to call it the nectar of the gods. It’s like nothing else.

gspotThe G-spot does exist, it is also known as the female prostate, and is located on the roof of the vagina. Stimulating it causes extreme orgasms and in my case ejaculation.

Every woman can do it, you just need to experiment with your partner, your hand, or some sex toys. You have to locate your prostate and become aware of how sensitive it is. Once you find the magic button you must have the confidence to release the flow of she jizz from the urethra.

It’s scary for a lot of girls, but should be an honor and not something to be ashamed or intimidated by, its natural. Many women feel the sensation coming on during sex but repress it and clench their pelvis because they think they are going to pee. They think something is wrong but really it is just their body trying to let the sweet juices flow free.

Most women don’t find female ejaculation attractive because it is not common or they see it as not clean or that they are incontinent. It’s so sad that girls aren’t educated in this, they are missing out on an incredibly powerful feeling.

I remember trying to research female ejaculation in the library and on the internet and did not give me any answers. It’s a total mystery. If doctors don’t know where it comes from, how can I figure this out?

Bodies are very strange indeed. Many are skeptical of its origins but I can attest that it is a real phenomenon and not something made up by modern pornography.

Recent studies have shown that female ejaculation comes from the Skene’s glands, on the wall of the vagina near the urethra. French researchers have even observed female ejaculation using ultrasound technology. They found that the liquid came from the Skene’s glands and the bladder. There is a high level of prostatic acid phosphatase that is found in semen.

Lady juice is not that much different that what men secrete when they cum. Obviously one major difference is semen, but female ejaculate is made up of prostatic fluid, glucose, and some urine. It does not taste or smell anything like pee. Ejaculate will leave a white spot on your black futon so be careful where you point that waterfall.

All women have g-spots and just need a little exploration to make squirting a reality. I don’t think anyone will be mad to try and figure out how to make their girl squirt. Sexplortion is one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship.

Female ejaculation is proof that a woman can drench her partner in body fluid when she hits climax just like a man. It is so liberating!

You can finally feel how good it is to come on his face for once. This is a real symbol of female sexual power. It is sexual equality, no longer do we have to be the ones degraded and covered in cum, it goes both ways.

Good sex is messy, so what if you have to get some plastic sheets. Just remember that true love is when they sleep in the wet spot.

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What does sex really smell like?

My roommate was accosted at a mini mart just trying to live her life and get some breakfast sandwiches. “I bet you have a man at home. He probably smells like sex too.” Or a soccer mom not whispering but whispering to herself “she smells like sex .”

What the fuck?! I definitely know that we smell different due to hormones and what time of the month it is. A post sex pussy is more pungent than an undersexed kitten, but still sweet, not intruding, not something that should be whispered about under baited breath.

It is sexy, it should be worn proud, it is natural, beautiful, and anyone who mentions it is only jealous that they weren’t the one who caused it. She deserves pleasure, she wears it well.

I often smell like weed and masturbation. Is that the same as sex? A fishy musk with a skunk undertone. I smell like dirty socks and last night’s fishnets. I smell like high heel shoes that have been danced in. I smell like swamp ass and good times. Do I smell like Teen Spirit? Or whatever that means.

I love a person with a rich odor. I feel like that’s the secret dirty hippie living inside of me. A person who has worked hard all day. Fixing the car, pounding on drums, or whatever makes people sweat. I love the smell of sex and candy yeah. More like sex and whiskey with a side of bacon though, that’s what I really like.

I hate too much cologne or perfume on a person. Its terrible when bro-douches bathe in AXE before leaving their scummy little bat caves. Or like cheap old man cologne, or dollar store knock offs of Calvin Klein, yuck.

Women go overboard too sometimes. I know my mom enjoys spraying her perfume in the close quarters of the car. It’s not delicious to get that shit in your eyes and orifices. Why would you want to hide your natural smell?

I do like essential oils, though. In small doses they go great with body chemistry and enhance your own smells. Warning: It is possible to overdose on patchouli and it should not take the place of bathing. But there is something to be said for au naturel.

Back in the days of Marie Antoinette, bitches never took showers or baths, even royalty. They just put on powders and perfumes and giant wigs and lush garments to cover up their body odor. I often feel like that’s what I do when I’m on stage. I forget to wash that thong that matches my pasties or the last pair of thigh highs I have that doesn’t have a run.

12187863_10102734061231328_7002025251388096328_nIts awful, and another reason why the fantasy of a performer is always better than the reality. In the fantasy I am perfection, in reality I am crusty and rank. I no longer shave my armpits, legs, or lady parts but it’s so blonde naturally that it doesn’t matter. I belong barefoot and outside, covered in earth and summer sweat. I do enjoy being a sparkling diamond as well, but it definitely is hard work.

On Beggars Night, I dressed up like Courtney Love in the 90’s, the other bartender was Kurt Cobain, I even had a lil Francis Bean doll. I had a broken cigarette in my mouth all night and kept swearing and saying that baby Francis Bean did all my coke and that’s why she was with me at the bar. I was definitely method acting all night. I ate a special mushroom chocolate and really went deep. I even fell down the stairs after threatening to smash a pumpkin.

I woke up slightly more Courtney than before, makeup more smeared and life more a mess. God damn did I smell. I smelled like spilled beer and other people’s cigarettes. I worked all night and then partied on like Wayne. I wonder what perfume Courtney Love wears? I bet its Chanel No. 5 mixed with unicorn tears, whiskey vomit and cigarette ash.

The other day I had the unfortunate occurrence of being the stinkiest person in the thrift store. It was a chilly day, so I decided to pick a scarf up off of the floor. The drive to the store I kept thinking, damn, what crawled into my car and died? Then I got there and it followed me. It was only after I left that I realized one of my cats had pissed on said scarf.

I was living my crazy cat lady fantasy. Awesome. I was the stinky kid at school. I’m often the stinky kid in the room now; because I smell like I tackled a rabid skunk, but that’s different. Hehe.

Smell is so important, pheromones are the basis of attraction. Certain smells evoke chemical responses in our bodies. Wear perfumes wisely and clean your bits and pieces, never be ashamed of smelling like sex, and listen to all your senses (especially smell) when choosing a mate.

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Halloween is here once again, it is hands down my favorite holiday. Actually no, fuck that, Halloween is everyday! I wear my freak flag proud 365 days a year.

For most “normal” people, Halloween is the one day of the year that it is socially acceptable to dress up like a weirdo and live their freak fantasy. Sadly commercialism and an oversexed media has turned it into a money making skank fest.

There are literally slutty versions of every costume (even in the kids section): slutty nurse, slutty referee, slutty cop, slutty witch, slutty vampire, slutty pirate, slutty prom queen, and the list goes on. These costumes seem to be invented with pedophiles in mind. Men and young boys seem to have it a little easier and can just put a mask on it , become their favorite action hero or movie killer, or slip on a dress and be a bearded lady.

Stop the trend. The only way you can break out of this is by making your own costumes for your children. Halloween costumes you buy are very expensive and poorly made anyways.

More gore and less whore. Being a bloody zombie is an easy and fun way to celebrate this holiday season. Instead of being a slutty version of something be a bloody zombie version instead!

It was funny, the other day I went to a costume party with my friend Erik and he doused himself in blood and called it a day for his costume. The cab driver asked us like ten times if it was real. A person covered in real blood is every person’s worst nightmare, so I get it when people freak out over a gory costume. Its all about shock value.

The original Theatre du Grand-Guignol in Paris
The original Theatre du Grand-Guignol in Paris

Haunted houses are insane, filled with passionate actors willing and ready to scare the shit out of anyone who walks through the doors. I am a pussy when it comes to stuff like that.

I remember being a pretty young girl and going into a Haunted Catacomb and when the actor wielding a chainsaw came after me I kicked him in the shin and ran. It was fight then flight, I felt like I was going to die. Now it’s a little different, as an adult I realize that I am probably not going to actually die. It’s all entertainment.

People have always had a certain blood lust when it comes to being entertained. Grand Guignol is a form of theatre that is graphic, amoral, and horrific in nature. The most famous theatre of this kind and a huge target for censorship was the house of horror known as Le Theatre du Grand-Guinol, The Theatre of the Grand Puppett, in Paris France open from 1897-1962.

Everyone from royalty and celebrities in formal apparel to the common man would enjoy blood soaked plays about prostitutes, criminals, insanity, and grotesque mame and murder. People came to the shows to feel something, they wanted to be entertained and disturbed by the natural looking horror shows. The same crowd attends modern day slasher films and gorelesque recitals.

Most audience members became belligerent and boisterous. Others could not hang, often the special effects were so realistic that audience members would vomit or pass out during the performances.

I am part of a Gorelesque troupe called The Zombettes, we give a whole new meaning to Blood Lust. Once after a show I picked up a guy and left bloody handprints on his wall.

Gorelesque is exactly what it sounds like: Burlesque covered in blood. Dark, occult, horror, zombie, and gore added to the classic striptease based performance art. We have done everything from act out the ear cutting Stuck in the Middle With You scene from Resevoir Dogs to the opening scene from Scream or a reenactment of Friday the 13th. 

Once we did a show dubbed “too soon?” where my friend The Creeping Beauty dressed up like Amy Winehouse (literally two days after she passed) and I dressed up like Anna Nicole Smith to welcome her to the afterlife while the song Rehab played. Maybe that was utterly tasteless, but it certainly was memorable.

zombie amy winehouse anna nicole smith

Classic horror/slasher movies are a huge inspiration to my art. Dramatic music and imagination are important in horror flicks. It’s what you don’t see that can scare you the most. Same with burlesque, it’s what you don’t see that invokes the most titilation.

Everybody has nightmares and everybody watches the news. We all know that the world we live in can be a scary and evil place. Sometimes people go crazy and slaughter the innocent , war is happening while you read this, limbs being blown off, random acts of torture and violence are rampant, people are being raped, and there are unspeakable horrors happening in every city. Horror movies are just the artistic representations of these very real atrocities.

It’s the time of year that I re-watch all of the Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream, Hellraiser and other various horror movies on repeat. The scariest of these flicks are the ones that are plausible. A real person can lose their mind and torture me.

It seems that there is a formula for these flicks that involves large breasted women or beautiful young virgin babysitters running around in white t-shirts covered in blood and being victimized by a male psychopathic sadistic monster.

Why are there rarely any sexy men in leading roles of horror movies? When a man dies in a horror flick it is quick. Scream Queens sell tickets. Misogyny rules in this genre. These women must fight to survive.

It reminds me a lot of porn to be honest with you. Young women cowering and screaming just as they do from being pounded by the twenty throbbing mega cocks being rammed down their throats in hardcore porn movies. Yes, I am a feminist who watches both horror movies and gang bang porn. Im more terrified by watching the Republican debate.

eat their heart out

If you wanna be my lover you gotta “get” with my friends. If you don’t want to be my lover I am going to “get” with your friends and probably every girl you are interested in too just because well, I can.

To most people it would seem that I get what I want. And I do, but it’s not always what I really, really want. I am confident and successful in most areas of my life and I often have multiple suitors barking up my tree. It’s all a facade.

To be honest with you I suck at love. I’ve been heartbroken before and try to keep my heart safe at all costs. This makes me a pussy, incapable of making the first move. I can never seem to seal the deal when I fall for someone. It sucks. I’m lonely and desperately want to be touched and kissed, but not just by anyone. I need something more true and worthwhile.

So I don’t jump in head first. I become friends with them and then can never break out of that zone. The person I want does fall in love with me, but for some reason only at a platonic level. Years go by. I’m still here, alone with all of my talent, pure wonderfulness, and cats.

It’s torture to long for something and be paralyzed by fear when trying to get it. It is however creepily easy for me to pick up all of their friends and potential love interests. I know this sounds absolutely shitty.

I can hit on and have a successful one night stand with any girl or guy that they are into. It’s easy to get with someone that you have no intention of loving later. Am I just spite fucking these poor unfortunate souls? Yes, yes I probably am.

I’ve hooked up with some best friends, bandmates, brothers, and random girls that I knew my love interest of moment was into. You would be surprised at how many people really do not respect the bros before hoes law.

bros before hoes

The “you” I speak of in the next paragraph is the hypothetical love of my life.

The other day I fucked someone who inspires you, someone who thinks you are incredible, he looks up to you even though he’s older than you. He talked about you while we were together, it made me want you even more. His first question was you aren’t dating that guy right? You would be surprised how many people ask me that. It kills me to say no.

Is it fucked up that you pop into my mind when I close my eyes to kiss anyone else? I want to open my eyes and see you looking back at me, I’m always disappointed when it’s not. It’s not their fault either, they are all amazing and worthwhile humans that I am attracted to, but none of them compare. You make my body tingle without even touching it, without even being here, just thinking about you erupts me.

Gross right? I deserve someone who feels the same way about me and nothing less, but love and lust is so infinitely complex and difficult. There are no rules. You can’t tell your damn heart or libido how to feel.

I don’t know if I did it to feel strangely closer to you or because I am legitimately attracted to this guy. I can see why you are friends with him. Without me even saying your name he told me how you guys met and all the details of your friendship.

He played my harmonica in the key of “V” like a master. But I couldn’t cum. I couldn’t cum because it wasn’t you. It was your friend instead. It was who I could get. It was a version of you that wanted me back. Seemed like a good idea when I was drunk.

He held me after and said all the shit I wanted to hear from your lips. He kissed me goodbye in the morning and told me to say hi to you the next time I saw you. Yea that’s not going to happen.

I fixate on things and people. I need to be absolutely swept off my feet by someone else to get over you, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to throw in the towel and admit defeat. I want you to wake up and realize how incredible we could be together. My fantasy is so tangible that I can’t stop feeling how I do.

I’m definitely a stupid girl sometimes. I don’t use my brain, only my flimsy heart and unbridled sex appeal.

It’s a terrible idea to seek out the best friends and loved ones of your crush and fuck them. Shit happens and it leaves you feeling empty and mean for playing with this other innocent person’s emotions.

I don’t do it to hurt the one I love, I don’t ever want them to know. I just long for a connection.

Here’s the double standard. I would be devastated if it were the other way. If I found out that my crush was banging one of my friends I’d be done. I should think about that next time this situation presents itself. You get what you give.

Spite fucking is ultimately not a good idea. When you truly love someone the ultimate goal is to make them happy or wish them happiness elsewhere and move the fuck on if they don’t want you. Maybe you will remain friends, but probably not. If you are a total psycho like me you will operate a little differently. It’s vitally important to learn from your mistakes and take charge of your own destiny. You will find yours someday, and so will I.

cat cherry 2

This is how I will start my first erotic paperback novel:

Sucking a British guy’s cock with my finger exactly where he requested it, leaning him up against the old lesbian bar that I once performed in. Oh the irony.

Maybe it was when I was literally pissing on the steps of a church and wiping hot man magma off of my cheek that I realized this whole thing was happening.

He asked me what my sexuality was, I said bisexual and he called me greedy. What percent? I replied 60/40, but maybe that’s not accurate. I think I’m really right smack dab in the middle on the Kinsey scale.

We proceed to my favorite gay bar, one of a small few left in my city. Everyone knows my name and I get celebrity treatment on arrival. Bought him a round to be hospitable. Ran into a girl that once told me she would like to know what I sounded like when I came.

Don’t you wish you had a dick so you can have a tit wank? He says to her. Asshole.

Shots and double drinks galore.

I’m a bartender, I wear a Betsy Johnson bottle opener necklace that’s shaped like a key. When they ask me if it’s the key to my heart I say yes and open the bottle right between my boobs. The more you drink the better I look.

Weird to be that slutty American girl. I flirted instantly but thought nothing of his charm. He grabbed my phone and added himself to my social media. Which is ideal because I had already forgotten his name.

I noted the other people who were following him. All probably girls he has fucked. That’s his way to notch the bed post. Never in my life would I think a dude like this would be throwing himself at me. He was extremely forward, which was refreshing.

He showed me a photo of his beautiful girlfriend. I said she was a lot of forehead. What a dick.

I stopped at the blowjob. Maybe I should have ravaged him but my heart just wasn’t into it. My problem with these certain one night stands is the lack of passion. I require tingles in my guts. I’m worth all of it and will never settle or make a mistake when the timing isn’t right.

cat karaoke

I mean this man was a beautiful and charming asshole. Brazenly confident but still too much a pussy to sing karaoke.

He sort of mocked this one guy’s version of Bon Jovi, I didn’t respect that. It was very Simon Cowell. Someone is out there singing and bearing their soul. You don’t have the right to judge if you are too afraid to do it yourself. Yea the man sounded terrible but fuck it he was happy! We all were happy.

You can really tell if someone is worth your time if they are willing to put something out there and embrace embarrassing moments.

I love karaoke. I remember the first time I ever sang was Big Girls Don’t Cry at my dad’s work picnic. I used to go to Roxy’s karaoke and make out with my friend the whole time, we would always sing Sweet Dreams.

The only thing worse than Creed is someone singing Creed karaoke and trying to sound like the guy from Creed. The only thing worse than that is when they sing Nickleback and sound like the guy from Creed. I don’t know if I can stomach another Wagon Wheel cover either.

Fun fact KJ is what they call a karaoke DJ, that’s funny to me. Serious Karaoke people are a different breed man.

After karaoke I took him to the diviest dive bar in Buffalo.

Everything I wanted right? I’ve said no to so many one night stands and yes to a select few. He told me he was clean and told me about his world travels in his thick accent. I want to go to Greece and party. Video of his time as a fire breathing pool boy at a luxury hotel in Greece. Sounds magical. Meh.

My recent Sexcapades are few and far between. I made out with a traveling musician. He drank too much whiskey and I had to downright no means no him. It got weird. Another guy was laying it on thick, beautiful black man with well manicured natural dreadlocks. Still meh.

It’s hard for me to commit to even one night when my heart is not there. I am too passionate for my own good and know my worth. I feel like I need to branch out and do a lot more wandering.

Talking to this guy made me want to travel even more. The wander lust. The lust lust. Wanting to find dirty wonderfulness in someone else’s city. Go to some other city’s best worst dive bar. I want to sing karaoke in a new place. Wouldn’t that just be swell?

cats

You gotta little something in your teeth, looks like a curly lil hair, huh, curious how that got there…

“I give the best head and he won’t even lick my pussy,” say most women. Everyone should be getting licked from their head down to their toes, or their necks, backs, pussies and cracks if that’s what they so desire.

Unfortunately the trend seems to be general unhappiness with the oral sex from at least one person in the relationship. This seems to be a common occurrence in unhealthy modern relationships.

Men are so used to seeing cock hungry pornstars deep throating every piece of meat thrown in front of them that they think its a woman’s obligation to service their member on command.

hot dogsI had a boyfriend once who disliked my dick sucking skills so much that he started to send me videos to study in order to brush up on my talent. I was young, maybe not so skilled, but hey, I’m willing to go down there, don’t you dare offend me by sending me the best of blowjob pornos for tips. Believe me, I am happy to do the damn thing when a partner respectfully requests it or just plain deserved a treat.

Don’t get me wrong, I like warm meat in my mouth. Sometimes in the form of wieners and hot dogs other times I like roast beef and the almighty taco! I am bisexual, so I know how to navigate genitalia of all kinds and am not afraid to go there for the right person.

Some uninformed people seem to think that you are practicing safe sex by just engaging in oral sex. This is not true, you still should use condoms and dental dams to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases. Yes, you can get type 1 Herpes (mouth) from someone who has type 2 (genital).

As a woman it is okay to want to be satisfied without having to owe them fellatio in return. Usually this is not a problem in lesbian relationships, women are more than happy to return the favor.

Unless there is stone butch or trans-man who is not comfortable receiving oral sex, that is a whole different hurdle that the couple has to cross. A friend of mine gave me some insight on gay male relationships and that there sometimes seems to be a divide between tops and bottoms (or even switch) where a man will take it until their partner cums but will not have the opportunity to get off themselves.

That sounds like pure disrespect and laziness to me. Since a bottom cannot get off by penetrating his partner he should at least get a blowjob after or his ass eaten out. I mean come on now! DO NOT roll over and die after you get off, finish off your partner. Everyone deserves to get theirs, that’s why we are doing this isn’t it? Not to be selfish.

I’ve talked to friends of mine that have been in relationships where the guy only wanted oral sex all day every day. She had jaw and throat problems from this, and do you think he reciprocated? No.

What is so gross about the vagina?

I had a bearded one night stand willing to eat me out while on my period and a long term relationships where I got head only twice in four plus years. He earned his red wings that night I guess.

Hell, I’m not ashamed that I have gone down on several girls while their aunt Flo was visiting. Sometimes in the heat of the passion you just gotta do it no matter what. I will never let a thing like that get in between me and a passionate encounter.

Wouldn’t be offended in the least if he/she suggested that I took a quick shower. Or if we did it together. I mean I don’t necessarily want gym stinky balls or a rare roast beef in my face either. Cleanliness is next to godliness right?

I do really love the human smells. There is nothing sexier than the musk of the one you love. Sweet summer stanky sweet sweat. Get over here! Maybe he was working on a car or playing music all day. You know the smell was earned because he did something incredible to earn it. You suddenly want to make him sweat some more… (Insert masturbation here).

Umm ok. Ahem. Hair, let’s talk about hair. Especially hair down there.

As far as body hair goes it is a personal choice! Don’t ever judge someone for having or not having body hair. Its not your body.

In the last year I have stopped shaving my legs and armpits. Even people like Miley Cyrus have gotten into the trend of changing what a woman is supposed to look like. She boldly dyed her armpit hair bright pink.

I recently also dyed my pubes pink with a friend and attempted the pits with less success. I remember standing there with Max Darling in our bathroom with bleach on our crotches and pits and just bursting out laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

pink flamingos

It just reminded me of John Waters’ 1972 film Pink Flamingos. Two characters in the film had curtains that definitely matched the carpet. Raymond and Connie Marble, the second Filthiest People Alive, had crazy kinky sex on screen, sported pubic hair dyed to match their technicolor electric blue and orange manes. It was infamously glorious.

Pubic hair trends have varied from full wild untamed bush to tasteful bush to sculpted landing strips to straight shaved pre-pubescent little girl bald. Many women are saying fuck shaving, electrolysis, and waxing. They are now embracing their armpit hair, leg hair, and real beards – face beards and bearded clams alike! By doing this beauty standards and societal expectations of what a proper woman should look like are challenged.

I adore porn from the 70s and 80s. The animalistic nature of these hairy beast men having sweaty nasty hard beast sex with wild and untamed vaginas and horrifying tan lines.

austin powers manscapingI once loved a man with back hair. He was hairy like animal Austin Powers sweater hairy. It was like sleeping next to a bear. I wasn’t mad.

My first boyfriend told me he wanted me to have a shaved pussy. Ok I said, let’s try this. I shave my legs, totes the same right?!

Awe hell no.

The razor burn and bumps was the most painful and disgusting crotch thing that had ever happened to me at that point in my life. Only second to the yeast infection I got years later that mortified me to this day and made me really love cranberry juice. I get it now.

It burned and itched and looked like a disease. I was never so scared in my life. I knew I was doing it wrong. Going against the grain with a multiblade little pink razor was a bad choice.

That’s the last I have ever let someone tell me how to be sexy and do something that I was not comfortable or felt necessary doing.

My pubic hair is grown out now and my ladybits nice and warm. I’m not talking about a merkin here either (Victorian pubic wigs used by prostitutes and now by modern Burlesque performers and actors doing nude scenes).

My vagina has just straight up gone rogue and I couldn’t be happier.Even on a good day I do not have the smooth vagina of a twelve year old girl but this has gone far beyond tasteful 90s bush and on to a full out thigh beard and I am not mad.

Female pubic hair is totally trending but even 2015, flashing a little bush in your Instagram photos will get you kicked off the social media app. Female pubic hair is something that is better not seen in the scene. Strip clubs worldwide still have sanctions against the almighty bush.

I think we should go back to the time when bush ran wild and free (and NOT talking either of the Georges or Jeb), and the public viewed pubes as natural beauty. People remove the pubes for many different reasons, including wanting to feel cleaner, sexier, and more comfortable.

Many people get rid of their pubic hair because they think they will get more oral action that way. I think that is crazy. It is healthier and more attractive to have a little fur on your burger.

Don’t let anyone pressure you to change who you are, but don’t let me stop you from making that waxing appointment either, it is your body!