Facebook graveyard got me down today…

Fuck, I keep inviting Tim to events
I always did before because I knew he would be there
Wet dreamland with that military s&m hat and sunglasses
Carebear onesie or cats in space

I have a hard time grasping that he is gone
doesn’t make sense
a world without Blue Lazer
is a strange sad place

A place of mystery

Where we are all connected

I coughed at the same time as the woman across the street
splashing in snow puddles like a little kid
Reminder:
take more walks
meet more cool dogs
smile at people
small acts of love count

Today i saw a man that I shared a donut with
it was vegan gluten free
Donuts
sweet wheels of bliss, sugar packed confection perfection
Sprinkles, frosting, cake, with a winking hole in the middle
or filled to capacity with something creamy or stickily sweet treat.
Get it all over your fingers and lick it off,
can’t miss one delectable bite.
Diabetic nightmare but the rest of us just don’t care.
Sweet sex in your mouth.

I brought them to my friend the Ice Dragon
we were supposed to have an art day at sewing souls
but we were locked out
Our friend was supposed to let us in
but did not show
we wondered what happened

Now I know it was because Tim was already dead
he was in there alone
where did he go?
family worried and plotting his saving grace
Never again will we hear that voice
or see that smiling face

We sat outside in the snow and ate donuts together
new friends on a cold day with snow floating down
this man was supposed to fix a door
get back his saw
do a job
instead we bonded

While our sweet friend had already departed

It’s been weeks now, and I am not the same.

Today I was walking back from getting lunch with my partner
hot bar
cabbage rolls like my polish grammy made – just vegan this time
I needed to walk
feel the air and earth

He said “HEY” and I turned and smiled
“Do I know you from the parade or something? Cat right?”
YES WE ATE DONUTS TOGETHER – I exclaimed
He said “Yea, that made my day”

I remember him not accepting at first
like it would come with a consequence
friendship and compassion
and vegan gluten free donuts
should come with no strings attached

No hidden agenda
love loud and with everyone
give
give more
share
care bears onesies
kittens with pizza in space
I will never forget his face

Timfringement power
Rest in peace dear Tim, your story is in the stars now
(Up there talking science with Stephen Hawking)

Death is an eye opening part of life that we all have to live with. It’s especially hard when people who are young get taken from us.

We need to take time to enjoy every single moment. That means each breath is beautiful, give thanks for your body functions, each fart is brilliant, every toe stub or paper cut reminding you of your humanity. Spend less time on your phone and more time talking to people. Addiction takes no prisoners, it only kills.

I saw a sea gull that had been hit by a car. A life torn to crimson shattered shreds. Blood and white feathers spread on the highway. It saw the highest points of the sky. Soared through sunsets. Then dipped too deep on that fateful street.

I remember my dad scaring seagulls in an empty parking lot. It seemed you could never ever hit them, they were so fast and mighty. Nothing is indestructible. The Titanic is that lesson, everything can be sunk if the iceberg is big enough. Like icebergs, mental illness and depression just show a small tip to the world but delve deep into the depths of a person’s being.

Someday we all will die. I don’t want to think about a world without you, yeah you! Death shows no mercy and takes even the young, the good people, the kind hearted, the ones who only make things better and ask for nothing in return.

Sometimes in life we get so caught up in our own disasters that we don’t take the time to tell people they are important to us. Reaching out just to say “Hey, you came across my thoughts today, you fucking matter to me.”

Tim Sentman was light, he was funny, like really funny, and cared about all of us. He came to the shows, he supported us all, and he was damn good. A space kitten serving pizza with lasers and electronic music.

Creative geniuses are hard to come by, and sadly they often do not even recognize their own worth. When someone dies young we all grieve out loud, how could we miss the signs? How could we have stepped up to help? How could we have changed the outcome. Let’s all just take time to focus on more than just ourselves.

The winter is so daunting. I was so happy and relieved that the spring equinox happened. Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel.

We lack vitamin D and oxygen in our depleted brains. The tiny birds have been miserable, the spring buds stunted, this unrelenting snow has buried us all in despair.

Being sad comes natural when we are all so inertly isolated. I feel like society pushes us toward technology and censors our real ability to interact with others. There is spontaneity that is lost in translation and we forget those who are right in front of us, suffering or not.

We get so wrapped up in our own crap that we forget simple compassion. So much time is spent waiting and wondering if we will ever find true love.

I know that this need for touch and reassurance is a huge cause of depression and anxiety. We need to give out hugs and compliments more freely, reach out to those who seem to fade out and drop off our radar. Love loud and often. Do it for the homies who are now angels and the friends who are still here broken but not forgotten.

* Featured image by lucianvenutian via Wikimedia Commons

Browsing through the endlessly diverse gauntlet of humans bearing their soul and persona for your consumption.

He has real pretty eyes, she has a great smile, welp thats a mighty fine torso shot, fuckable for sho, not looking for a hookup? WTF are you doing here? Is that person even real? Ew, he is holding a dead deer in his pic and those guys all have fish they murdered. That one likes their truck more than the earth. Military or cop not for me. She seems cool but she has seven kids. That one doesn’t like cats. He’s seems ok but somehow lives 200 miles away. That’s just a blank screen. Lots of couples looking for unicorns (usually a female that will fuck both you and your partner), then the jerks who say they are lesbians when they are actually straight cis men, and then BOOM out of the blue someone you know in REAL life. HMM…

Imagine a friend or acquaintance coming up. You have always found this person attractive but never spoke up. Maybe you just never really got to know them.

They look super hot in these photos, fuck it, swipe right. Ok, whats the harm? Let’s see what happens, they probably swiped left anyways, oh well, here goes nothing, drumroll… IT’S A MATCH!

Holy fuck! Wait, does this mean they are DOWN? Or is it just like yo bro, what up I KNOW YOU! Like are you trying to fuck though? This is a hookup app and we are on here for the same thing right?

It’s super awkward the next time you see them. Do you bring up the match? Do you say anything? How does one put these kind of feelers out?

It’s so hard to do this face to face (like people have done for fucking centuries, hope you can hear the ironic tone there). What did people do before dating apps determined compatibility?

So you match with your super duper sexy friend on Tinder… but what now? They like you back, how do you know if they are DTF or JK lol?

It’s downright scary to approach people sometimes. Hiding behind the little itty bitty screen seems like a cop out, like it is just too scary to be rejected in person.

Swiping away on the hottest hook up app seems so second nature, it is so easy just to place judgement on those we don’t know (or want to know better) based on several photos and a tag line. It is dangerous and sad to merely say I like you or I don’t based on only looks alone, hot or not.

I really think its sad that we have come to this. People sitting next to each other in bars swiping when they should be interacting with other humans in the same room.

My friend matched with a bartender he knew, she was his friend, they always laughed a lot, but until faced with the absolute yes or no of this app he had not pondered the idea of sleeping with her. After all, a lot of people in the service industry use Tinder to bring people into their bars.

“I bet she swiped right for everyone,” he thought. She’s cute, really funny, yea, that’s something I like! So he super liked her at 4am drunk.

The next time they hung out it was obvious that the feelers were being put out on her end. He may not have been entirely serious about the super like, but is still down to fuck if she is. It came down to an awkward moment at the end of the night, she stuck around until closing time and they were the only two left.

The ball is in his court now. Now you have to go deeper than just bullshit ice breakers. You are already past this. It’s now or never, take the plunge and see if she bites.

He did not pursue, figuring that if she liked him for realzies she would have moved in. He must have not liked her that much to not ever really notice it or say it out loud, right?

An impossible filter that I wish was on Tinder is the EX’s and EX’s of your besties. It’s a real bummer to come across someone who is hot and interesting and then realize that your best friend had a bad breakup or hookup story with them. Then you come to the EX’s of your current squeezes and that builds a whole new level of crazy.

Also relatives, that just creeps me out. I would never want to come across one of my cousins on a dating app.

The moment we have all been waiting for, the other day I came across one of my crushes on Tinder. I have always liked her lots, but never felt like I was her “type” (whatever the fuck that means).

She’s hot and talented, we have an incredible friend chemistry, it’s so easy to talk to her, but I never ever imagined she would like me back. I was afraid so I swiped left. Days later she told me that she swiped right.

FUCK! I done screwed up. I told her that I didn’t even see her pop up. I lied. In that moment I should have confessed it all, but I didn’t and now I feel like the moment has passed. Now I will never know if she actually likes me or not, woe is me!

Actually, no, cut the shit, if you like someone tell them IN PERSON. My roomie saw one of my other long term from a distance crushes on Tinder and I literally swiped for two hours straight to find him to no avail. I hope I didn’t go too fast and accidentally missed him!

I won’t pay for this app, not even to go back and swipe the correct way for my future soulmate. What if I go through all of that and we don’t match after all?

Tinder keeps coming up in my regular conversations. I am new to polyamory, so this is one of my new outlets for exploration, although I have not met a single person from it, mostly just small talk.

I got called out for not messaging a friend/acquaintance I matched with. He clearly wants it. This doesn’t mean I am required to go on a date with this person. It just means that I thought they had a cute photo. I was going so fast that I didn’t even know it was him.

I put all this faith in a swipe from someone I like and then I don’t think too hard when swiping myself. There are reasons why I never pursued this dude to begin with, so why now?

Knowing that a person likes you should not be the only reason to go for it. You must like them back and be honest, I am really good at making things awkward and really afraid of rejection.

But how will you know if you don’t just throw it out there? Why are we all so goddamn afraid of rejection? If someone doesn’t like you like that then just accept it and move on. You don’t need them to find worth and love yourself.

I must learn to be my own primary partner. There will always be someone else to date! I swear.

It’s a little more weighted in this case. If you have an established friendship and then are faced with the “Wait, if they want it, do I want it?” moment then you really have to put your cards on the table before you make an irrational move.

I have had a few friendships where I thought that I was unrequited with my feeling shift for years, too scared of losing the friendship over one awkward confession. It would have been awesome to read their mind, and know that even for the moment of the swipe I was an option.

The moral is don’t be scared to tell someone you love them. Life is too short.

If you rely solely on a silly dating app for your happiness you will not be a very happy person. True love, passion, and continuous joy are sparked by real life moments: catching eyes, brushing knees, petting the same cat, volunteering at the same shelter, reading books at the same coffee shop, or just a chance encounter on the street can bring you to your soulmate of the moment.

Keep your eyes open. You never know when they might come up!

* Featured image by Denis Bocquet via Flickr via Creative Commons

Just admit it, you’ve fantasized of escaping to the lovely Land of Down Under, where sun is practically endless, a museum with free entrance just around the corner, and yet another crispy clear beach stretches on the coastline. We’ve all been there – I mean, in the same fantasy, but what about leaving your comfort zone, actually getting the plane ticket and living a full year as an Aussie?
Fortunately, there are many fun, exciting and rewarding ways to achieve this endeavor, so let’s take a look at a few Australia-perfect strategies to explore this wonderful continent, and yes, fall even more in love with its intact beauty during your stay.

The good ol’ work and travel

Image by Holgi via Pixabay Creative Commons

Just when the winter blues starts to set in, you would be packing your bags and escaping the vicious cold all the way Down Under. Whether you’re a culinary wizard that craves for more hands-on experience with some of the finest experts in the field, or you’re looking to teach abroad, Australia offers a wide range of work and travel programs.

Some of them include tour guides, full accommodation and visa paperwork preparation, so that you can start getting ready hassle-free. It’s best to apply via an accredited agency with previous experience and success, because these applications require investments that can range from $900 in fees and additional funds in your account to prove you can support yourself during your stay.

Of course, you’ll get all the advice and guidance you need from the local agent and on site as well, so that your experience is as seamless as possible. From forwarding your mail, finding the right job, to nailing your visa application, they’ll have you covered.

Make a difference

Image by kuvaa via Pixabay Creative Commons

Traveling for a non-profit cause to Australia is another wonderful way to experience their culture, heritage and do your best to contribute to their efforts to protect the environment and their indigenous wildlife. There are numerous wildlife sanctuaries, rescue operations, organic farms, tree-planting programs, all of which are perfect for nature-lovers among you.

You will stay with the local folk, join in on their daily routine and gain invaluable experience in Australia’s cultural background. Many of these volunteering programs also include perks such as free horse-riding, kayaking, free accommodation and local sightseeing tours. You’ll also likely have field trips and regular access to major cities, including Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane, but also some of Australia’s most beautiful natural wonders, including the Great Barrier Reef, the Blue Mountains, and the Uluru-Kata Tjuta stone formations.

Apply for a student exchange program

Image via Pexels Creative Commons

As a country that boasts a staggering number of international students, Australia has some of the best universities, coveted educational programs, and great benefits for their student visitors from abroad. This is particularly alluring for those who would prefer a more urban experienced located in some of Australia’s cities, where you can apply for scholarships, and you will also be able to get a part-time job during your studies.

Before you go, make sure you look for student accommodation in Brisbane and other cities to see which option best suits your needs. Of course, you should budget for your studying and living costs in the area of your choice. Every university has different entry requirements and procedures, so it’s essential to get acquainted with them before you make a final decision.

What to expect

Image by Belle Co via Pexels Creative Commons

As an international volunteer, worker or student, you’ll need to cover many expenses before you reach the sunny coast of Australia. From getting the right health insurance, ensuring ample financial support during your stay, covering the cost of airplane tickets, accommodation, and basic lifestyle needs, you’ll see that the standard of living Down Under is very high, and the price is no different.

Since you’re coming from a snow-covered north, you should brace yourself for an entirely different cultural setting. Aussies are known to be laid-back, friendly, welcoming and kind, and the climate is sizzling hot during summer, while they enjoy mild winters – but their seasons are flipped compared to ours, so if you are traveling during your winter, you will be greeted by their summer!

* Featured image by ajmclellan via pixbay Creative Commons

Images:

Its so easy to get stressed out when fighting with and/or god forbid in the process breaking up with your partner. You both think you are right. They said things they will probably regret later, calling you all the names in the book, and now accept no fucking blame for this whole thing. You look them in their stupid dumb ridiculous goofy beautiful fucking face and just want to smash it into oblivion.

In that moment it is hard to imagine how much you actually still love them because you are blinded by the rage of right now. It burns bright.

Please take a moment to ponder not killing them, step back. Be the stronger person and hold back your fierce rage fueled fury.

Although it seems like a not so gentle punch to the gut, a stinging slap in the face, or swift kick in the nuts would cause you instant satisfaction, you probably should take a step back and remember that you are both adults here. It is so healthy to express your emotions, even if it is uncomfortable, but do it with words and not fists. Violence is not the answer!

1. Breathe

Its always best to step back and breathe. Oxygen makes our brains work. Even chug a glass of water.

Make sure all of your things are lubed and ready to be wise. Get your body calm and relaxed.

Tension isn’t healthily for anyone. Stepping back and focusing on the in and out of your lungs will make you feel so much better.

2. Smoke a joint

After you take some deep breaths, breathe something else in. The best thing I can do to chill the fuck out is to smoke a little bit of sweet maryjane.

If this isn’t your cup of tea, well then have a cup of tea? I don’t know what to tell you, but weed is the number one killer of shitty feelings and bad arguments.

I feel 100% better about every situation when I light up. It’s like all my troubles melt away for that short second.

Offer the person you are fighting with a puff. Perhaps you will reach a resolution over this thoughtful peace pipe offering. You will both be more calm and collected.

3. Scream as loud as you can into the abyss

I once had a co-worker who would go into the back room and yell at the top of her lungs like she was on a roller coaster when a customer pissed her off. It is the best way to blow off steam.

Scream into the cave of infinity. It will feel like a thousand orgasms, releasing all the negativity into the world instead of yelling at a person. Primal scream therapy is real.

4. Eat dark chocolate

It is proven that chocolate triggers the same things in your brain as sex. Dark chocolate is really good for you, especially if it’s the vegan kind.

It is antioxidant rich and actually lowers your blood pressure. Also I read that you get higher if you eat it 40 minutes before you smoke weed, so maybe try this step before step #2.

5. Masturbate

Hate sex is one thing, but hate jerking off is a horse of a different color! Nothing is more stress releasing than diddling your own skittle.

Nobody knows what you want or need more than you baby! Everyone needs the good touch, especially when angry or emotional. Get that vibrator out and tell the world you are your own lover.

Masturbating is healthy and helps you with sexual discovery. Think about the random person in your sexy dream or that Greek god that you saw at the grocery store. Your hand or dildo is all you need to be happy. Independent bliss.

Other things I can think of are going to the beach or wherever your happy place is. Being in nature is so calming and grounding. It makes us remember how small we are.

Listen to music, the louder the better, and dance your ass off. Exercise, yoga, and cleaning are also positive ways to blow off negative energy.

Use the energy for good instead of evil. If distraction is your game then look at boobs on the internet, there are an endless supply.

I also like to write. Writing angry poetry is a great way to get over someone. Look up new adjectives to dislike them with.

Fuck that asshole and focus on the positive! Self love and care is what you need. Take time to think about how good the sun feels beating on your skin or how good it tastes to bite into a juicy tangerine.

Take a bath or get a massage. Think about the feeling you get right after a new hair cut or when you get a really good hug from someone.

Hold your head high and let your mind be free. Now that you are cool and collected you can turn the argument into a conversation, and if you get mad again, go back to #1 and start over.

* Featured Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis via Flickr Creative Commons

Communication is the key to success, they why is it so hard sometimes? It’s a rusty skeleton key. Say what you are feeling and you will feel better. Tell them what you want or you are never going to get it. Ask, and you shall receive. Listen to your heart, but more importantly listen closely to what others are saying, you are not the center of the universe.

Kindness is sharing time and being compassionate, spreading more than just your legs, scattering radical love and positivity. Be open with your emotions, feeling is important, even the deepest hurt is temporary.

There is a love waiting for you, this unrequited veil will pass in the night without much notice. But remember, even the highest high is also temporary. Hold the good times close. Make art about them. Keep them in your heart for those cloudy days of old age.

Be an active listener by being patient and attentive. Look them in the eyes. Stop texting your arguments and actually have them.

Take action. Get in the car. Go to Mardi Gras. Kiss the girl. Kiss her in the rain, kiss her in the tent as it’s about to blow away, kiss her in the car, kiss her on the forehead, kiss every crevice of her, and even kiss her eyes while she sleeps warm next to you.

She fills the hole in your heart that normally would take years of therapy to mend. Never forget the moment you stood there and saw oblivion in each others’ embrace.

Life is fucked up. Death is always knocking. I am not afraid of it, not really. I am more afraid of the debt collectors that won’t stop calling my parents house and the junkies who need $5 for a buzz that will never satisfy them.

I want to live and change the world, I want to be known, I want to be remembered. I want to be more than just a Facebook account. Living in a closet screaming in silence is not the way to exist. Working in a cubicle day in and out in the town you were born is cruel and unusual punishment for a job well done. I want to feel like a new born baby, taking on the day as if it’s the first time I saw light.

Love is a unparalleled high. Drugs can be an escape from our own bitter realities. I am scared to try DMT, aka the death molecule, an intense psychedelic, because that feeling is the best feeling in the world. You earn it after a long life. It is your reward for dying with conviction.

Feeling the death molecule early by way of some drug scientist’s experiment seems sketchy. I don’t want to feel death. I want to feel life!

We are all dying, inching closer to the end with each lovely breath. We have no idea what’s next, even if you believe in more or nothing, it’s all uncertain. All that is completely certain is this moment. Breathe in and out, make sure to smile. I want to live on that rooftop with my lover and overlook our vivid dreams of sunsets and waterfalls.

This moment is fragile, so many variables are keeping it afloat. I really do not know what I want.

It’s baffling to think that I have lived for 31 years in the darkness of my own wants and needs. I guess I never really took much time to consider what I require to succeed.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT? All of my needs are met and material bullshit does not matter. I do know what is important to me: my family, my friends, my cats, the earth, food not bombs, art, and freedom!

My roots dig deep but perhaps one day I will find new soil to plant them in. I will never know if I don’t explore it. I know I can change. Becoming vegan and caring more about community service, solidarity for all causes, recycling, composting, using non aerosols, and giving up glitter and bottled water is just the start. I met a human that makes me better and aim to love her the best I can, with openness and honesty.

I have never been to counseling, but know a lot of humans who swear by it. It would feel incredible to have someone listen and give educated advice.

I bottle things up and run away from all hurt, repress and push away anything that causes my happy heart pain. One foot solid on the ground, anchored, unwavering. Meanwhile the rest of me is a balloon that has lost its string, floating toward oblivion, only to end up in the ocean strangling a fish that hasn’t been born yet. It’s bizarre to be so grounded and so lost at the same time.

I can’t be consumed by the what ifs if I never try. You don’t know how to live unless you go for it. Try all the things, take the leap, scream into the endless cavern of life. The echo is you from a moment ago and you are not alone.

All I have ever wanted was love, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t really know what makes me happy until it is happening.

For me it was always easy to think about polyamory as a single person. Jealousy and fear are all internalized bullshit. I know that the only way to move past it all is unwavering communication.

The butterflies haven’t been in my belly for years. I think age consumed them. The love I feel now is better, it flutters with truth and understanding, it is a feeling of safety and admiration.

Nobody has ever told me that they appreciate me. I appreciate being appreciated.

Real love is consent and constant. It is wanting to work on things when one is feeling off, it is changing the path to make your lover feel more safe and free in your arms. Love is not a prison or a cage for your heart.

Free Love? I certainly won’t pay for it. I have been alone for so long that it feels strange to work on a relationship. I am feeling this wave of change. Slowly creeping monsoon of repair and washing away regret.

It is easy to look back at the corpse of a relationship and see what went wrong. You can pinpoint the moments where you could have stepped up, you could have taken a stand and stood up for them or given some extra care.

I remember laughing at someone I once loved when they told me a deep truth, they were vulnerable and real and I didn’t know how to handle it. I could have hugged them and let them know it was okay. Instead I left a wall between us.

Each experience has brought me to here and now, it made me ready for what’s to come. I have learned to talk more. Adventure beyond all wonder and belief, a love with passion that will last forever, starts with communication.

Now that wall has come down, brick by brick, falling rubble of yesterday’s tears. I want to relinquish all fear and stop being paranoid of abandonment. I am enough, I am worth it.

Self hate and emotional deprivation is tragic. Self destruction runs deep when you grow up fat, but honestly we probably all feel that way. It doesn’t matter what you look like, there will always be someone you think is prettier, skinner, younger, smarter, and more worth it. That’s a lie, that’s society dividing us. We are better than our misdirection.

I want to open up. I want to cut through my emotional blockage with a machete. Years of filth won’t get clean overnight, I need emotional renovation.

This time it’s worth it. I have learned from past heartache. Finally I am chosen! Let’s stay together and make it work this time.

I need to say what’s on my mind. If I communicate it will be okay. Take the stitches out of my lips and the duck tape off of my ears.

It’s time to open up. It’s time to feel and evolve. I need to talk with my parents, my lover, my friends, my roommates, my co-workers, and the people I meet in everyday life.

You should do it too! Take this chance to clear the cobwebs out of your mouth. Once you speak up it is addicting.

New Year’s Eve is coming and with it, parties, booze, and tragedies caused by idiots who cannot accept that they are too drunk to drive and jerks who willfully ignore the rules of consent. For those of you planning to party on New Year’s Eve, I’ve provided a short but concise list of legal tips to help start the year off without anybody getting hurt.

If you are drunk, do not drive.

This should go without saying as it’s not only the law, it’s common sense. If you’re caught for drunk driving and are lucky you’ll just get a fine and the suspension of your driver’s license. If unlucky, drunk driving charges can result in a jail term ranging from four months to life in prison.

When in doubt, don’t do it.

The legal definition of drunk has nothing to do with how you feel. It is an arbitrary standard: if you have more than eighty milligrams of alcohol in your system for every hundred milliliters of blood, you are considered above the legal limit.

You may feel perfectly fine and sober but that does not matter if a breathalyzer indicates that you are above this limit. The golden rule to follow on New Year’s Eve or any other time is: when in doubt, don’t drive. Sleep over, get a lift, or call a cab or Operation Nez Rouge to get home safe.

You’ll save lives, including your own.

Drunken consent is not legally consent.

Rapes happen all the time, and in environments where booze is free flowing, there is always that scum bag who says the victim agreed to sex even though said victim was very drunk at the time of the attack. If a person is drunk they are in no shape to consent to sexual activity. They are incapable of consenting to sexual activity because their ability to freely give consent was affected by the alcohol. If a person is in no shape to drive, they are in no condition to agree to sex with you, so do the noble, legal thing and don’t have sex with them.

If a person is unconscious, they cannot consent.

The inevitable result of too much drinking and partying is often a loss of consciousness. If a person is passed out, this is not an invitation to touch, grope, or spoon with them. If a person is too drunk to say “no” to whatever it is you want to do with them, they are also too drunk to say “yes”.

Their passivity does not equal consent. The legal definition of sexual assault is sexual touching without consent, so if a person is unconscious, keep your hands to yourself.

When in doubt, check in.

A lot of people find the idea of double-checking for consent an unsexy mood-killer. You know what’s really unsexy? Sexual assault and the ten or more years in prison you get if convicted.

When in doubt, check with the person you’re with to make sure they’re consenting freely to all of what you are doing together. Check often if you have to. It’s better than violating your partner and will keep you out of trouble.

Remember that fireworks are dangerous and cities usually have rules about where you can set them off.

New Year’s Eve can be a blast and to celebrate you may want to set off some fireworks. Do your homework first.

Fireworks are extremely dangerous and every New Year’s Day the news is filled with horror stories of people who blew their fingers off and burned their houses down. Remember that at the end of the day, fireworks are basically just explosives and are just as dangerous.

Read the instructions on the package, do not use them when drunk and be sure use them far from buildings and facing away from people. You should also call the city or check out your municipal website to make sure there are no bylaws in place forbidding the use of fireworks within city limits.

In Montreal it is forbidden to use fireworks, bottle rockets, or other pyrotechnics without authorization from the city. Failure to obey the laws could result in hefty fines and if there is property damage or people get hurt, you could also be looking at jail time.

The perk of adulthood is that we can welcome the New Year the way it was meant to be welcome: with a glass of something boozy and a kiss at midnight. Unfortunately it’s also one of the most dangerous nights to be out celebrating.

Let’s start this year off right by making sure our world is a little safer.

HAPPY 2018 EVERYBODY!

We all know of the dirty 30 expression, what about clean 31? This show marks a full decade of burlesque.

I have been a Stripteaser since my idea was to strip down to a bald cap and all white and be the sexiest Mr Clean the world has ever seen. My outfit was complete with the only pristine white panties I have that say “fuck it” on the ass and a pair of pink fishnets from the floor.

Since it was my birthday I decided to hit a bowl before the show. Of course I coughed, and of course I peed a little. The show must go on.

Depeche Mode “Clean” came on in the red lit bar. I lost my virginity to a different Depeche Mode song, kind of silly. I love this bar. Nietzsches is as filthy as me, the cobwebs and memories.

It was really crowded for such a cold December night. I came out as a goofy housewife and vacuumed the bar. Then the reveal, wig off, crowd roars, and Mr Clean took the stage with a dirty rubber fist (which I licked). Killed it.

Afterwards upstairs we were chilling and changing. I looked down and to my whorer and dismay my formerly pristine white panties were now blood stained! What? I couldn’t have gotten my period! I just had it last week!

Wait. Last week I wore these pink fishnets, last week when I realized after the show that my lady in red was raging. I threw the tights to the floor where I found them a week later, in my haste I did not notice the stain.

When I coughed my pee reactivated the shark week and I definitely earned my filthiest person at camp title. Mr Clean dancing around with last week’s period stained underwear is pretty much my life in a nutshell.

I really am gross and don’t know how I spend all of these decades existing in my own filth and bad taste. It’s the best. New year new me, another revolution around the sun, thirty fucking one.

The party is for me and everyone can see my stains. I wear them with pride. I always say I am going to get my shit together, clean my room and purge the clutter from my disorganized soul. Stop wearing ditty clothes off the floor, or at least checking the crotch.

Top notch filth queen. Red crusty funk goddess. Crotch like pennies. I am the hottest mess and my own biggest distraction. Beauty in the rubble of former brilliance. A smile with cracks always lacks. Dry lips and elbows, some dreams forgotten, some achieved, and a whole lot more experience needed. Living life one day at a time, just trying to get high and feel good vibes.

My new years resolution? My birthday wish? I don’t know. Revolution. Be a better person, give even less fucks about what others think. Shock more with my art, really say something meaningful and be smart.

Be brilliant. Ge naked. Eat Shit. Inspire others to break out of the box and onto the streets. Realize you can accomplish everything. Food not bombs, homes not jails, trapped in the middle of an apocalypse, the rise of assholism and the fall of being quiet.

This year I will raise my fist higher and I will make more soup for my friends when they are sick. I want to be the most vitamin enriched veggies bubbling in a pot of hot broth and spices. Reborn.

My neighborhood is changing just like my aging body. It is creaky and sagging. Nobodys/Filigrees is gone. It was just the shell of a former artspace but I cried a little when it was just a pile of rubble. Colorful spaces and history smashed into a pile.

I became ME in that building, it was the safest place to be a majestic fuck up, a misfit that can only fit in at a place where nobody is president. Just like Dreamland, it has got to be an idea.

No. I can’t let gentrification bring me down on my birthday. The future terrifies me.

This is my actual birthday, the day I was cut out of my mothers womb, the celebration of my first breath and a butt slap heard round the world. Am I what I wanted to be when I was five? Do I have all the things I wanted? I never got a Barbie car, but I have happiness.

My bliss is the safety of warmth on a cold winter night. I am blessed in gifts beyond presents. The presence of real compassion and passion.

I got a weed cake, a glorious hot pink sparkle unicorn, handmade rainbow earrings, a giant rainbow dildo, and some eco friendly glitter!  My loves really know me. They are so kind, I feel selfish in comparison. I am a Capricorn, I work hard and care with all of me.

Sure I am a mess, but who isn’t? Humans are as gross as they are beautiful. Embrace the yuck in your own life, fight hate with supreme love, celebrate your imperfections and create a world where we all laugh at the face of insecurity.

2018 is our year! Make a wish when you blow out the candles and kiss that pretty girl at the stroke of midnight.

Life as a shit show is exhausting but also incredibly exuberant and rewarding beyond belief! General fun, debauchery, and awe inspiring moves will make your life worth writing about.

Being a beautiful mess and delectable disaster is a full time job. People look to me for amusement and escape from the mundane. I am usually naked and fearless with my performances. The secret? Never stop, won’t stop.

My heart beats for the stage. Life has no rehearsal. I put my heart and soul into everything I do and I think that it shows.

I also really want the dreams of the people around me to come true too! It’s incredible to know that you had a hand in granting someone’s wish, whether it be big or small.

I am not the center of the universe, I am just a person like everyone else. But I conquer every scene along the way because I can.

This is my year! Say it! Travel. Spread those wings! I went to Washington DC for the Women’s March and ended up being featured in the Washington Post (and becoming an alt right meme lol), I went to Oakland for Burger Bugaloo and was in the San Franciso Chronicle, and my biggest feat was being featured in the style section of the New York Times floating on a flamingo raft in drag for Camp John Waters.

My goal was to meet him and leave an impression, and that I did. I literally covered myself in fake dog shit for that shit show! Best moments of my life. I may not have money, but I am a success!

Most weeks I have at least three burlesque shows (sometimes five) , plus work, and volunteering that makes things a bit crazy in my world. A lot of people ask me how I do it. Well, sometimes I just want to collapse into my bed hole and wrap my legs around my lover for days on end, vegan pizza delivery to my window please, warm fuzzy blankets, and a side of kitty cuddles will complete this fantasy. Please! Add the bong to the mix and I will never leave.

But, alas, I must. Rest is important when you can get it, especially in this life where every single moment is delicately scheduled.

I live out of piles of sparkling costumes. I can put together any costume to the T our of the contents of my disaster. I don’t understand how I can reach into the abyss and pull out exactly what I need every time. I am lucky, I am a winner.

My girlfriend laughs at me when I say “I AM A WINNER” out loud with a creepy face and then proceed to get exactly what I want every single time. I think it is the power of positivity. I know it’s mine. I am the master of my own destiny, nobody tells me no! If I have a dream I will achieve it, no questions.

My grandmother was always really lucky like that too. She would win a royal flush on one machine at the casino and then hit another jackpot on the machine next to it while waiting to get paid. I like to think that I inherited her luck. She was the kindest, sweetest women in the world. My life goal is to be just like her, to leave an impression that makes only good things come your way.

I would like to say that I have an endless amount of energy. Getting up early, making art, going to work, volunteering, and then having a show at midnight is a long day.

I wish I could say my secret to success is doing yoga everyday, juicing, and exercise. I don’t do any of those things. Since going vegan and being more aware of how much water I drink I have noticed a shift in my mood and energy gain.

I also decided that I will never do anything I don’t want to do ever again. I will not work for the MAN, I will only do things that make others stronger, I will only be what I love.

It is important to give your time to worthy recipients, life is too short to waste on bullshit. Make sure you are happy and your needs are met, take time to pamper yourself. Put the lotion on the skin. You are worth the time and effort.

My advice is to chill the fuck out, slow it down and stop worrying. Be a unicorn. Never act like a “grown up” but be responsible. Wear rainbows in the snow. Smile lots!

Love as hard as you can and be an open book, make it a comic book, and you are the hero. Fight for people who have less than you, never stop helping.

Being calm and smooth will give you an advantage over the other cogs. Be confident in your abilities and strong in your will. Always leave time for your bliss and remember to be spontaneous. They don’t know what you are going to do next.

Let each moment be a well orchestrated surprise. Drop jaws and panties.

I am a satisfied stoner who enjoys the creative explosion. I just know that I will get it all done and it will be perfect. If I cared about the deadlines I would be overwhelmed and my brain would become soup.

You have a strong shit show power inside of you. Believe in it, will things to happen, work hard, love freely, and everything else will fall into place. I know that everything I desire is attainable and I deserve it.

Being a shit show isn’t perfect, you will be late a lot, you will feel overextended most of the time, but you will change the world and yourself in the process. Don’t dream it, be it. Start this instant. GO!

Don’t panic. No, actually, its ok to panic!

There are a few moments in life that are completely mortifying. This is one of them if you deal with it improperly. That awkward moment when your current squeeze meets yesterdays squeeze and has no fucking idea.

Of course it makes sense that people you are attracted to will be attracted to each other in some way, but come on! What are the chances? I once walked into a bar and felt like it was the fucking Twilight Zone because everyone in there was in my pants at some point in time…

Oh hey person I lost my virginity too talking to my super ex from 3 years ago and the girl I have a crush on! Oh hey girl I made out with on the pride gay train six years ago holding hands with that other human I had fireworks with last year. Maybe I’m a whore, maybe I live in a small town, but sometimes it’s uncanny.

It is even more difficult to navigate bars and parties during the holidays. People who are normally far far away come home to make your life hell. You never know who you are going to run into, or who is related to who. We all have the same circle of friends. Everyone fucks everyone or at least knew someone who fucked that person or whatever. It’s a crazy twisted web. Le sigh.

Lets just use this scenario: You are seeing someone new. You meet them for coffee and talk about where you work. He says, omg, I know someone who works there! Do you know (insert name here, we will use “Lady X” to protect the innocent)? You respond with, why YES, I know Lady X! She just so happens to be marrying my super ex, like the person I dated for a bunch of years, she ACTUALLY cheated with him while he was dating me, she fucked him while he was with me and now the are getting married, oh yea and she is pregnant with his evil demon seed, RIGHT? (heavy breathing and hair disheveled at this point)

Sips coffee like nothing happened. Strange kind of serial killer smile on your face. Eye is twitching.

“Ummmmmmmm, yea,” is all they say in response to your manic tantrum. She was like a friend of a friend he knew in high school, hasn’t seen her in years, and definitely had no need to know all of that drama llama. You done fucked up son. You clearly shared too much and created a crisis where it didn’t need to happen.

Too much sharing is not caring. This is uncomfortable and bad for all involved. It’s hard, though. People put you in a spiral, you are entangled in that history, triggers are real!

Let’s try a different scenario: playing it cool. You have to work and your new love goes to your favorite bar. She sees a band and thinks you will like them. She even goes as far as singing the lyrics to one of their fucking songs.

Of course one of the members of said band is someone you used to be creepily obsessed with in an unrequited way. Of course you know all the words to all of their songs, you have been a groupie, you have been more than a groupie. You used to go to sleep at night with this person’s face behind your eyes, thinking that the world would end because they didn’t love you back. Relationships were severed and things got WEIRD… but you won’t tell her that.

There was a time when you would have told that whole thing to anyone with ears. Now you remain silent. Do you tell her that the former love of your life is in that band and that their songs are all triggers and that you probably have PTSD and are lucky that you can even love again after this?

You can do it. Hold back the urge to share all the gooey unrequited love and gory nasty breakup deets. All of this happens in one moment, a moment that may seem insignificant to your significant other but definitely seemed to go on forever in your broken little mind.

You play over all the ways it can work out, bite your tongue. Don’t go into this right now, it’s a terrible sad idea that will ruin your current bliss. You will spiral back to the depths of a sad abyss where there is still hope with your old flame.

This is NOT a sign that the universe wants you to crawl back into the hell hole. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT! BE STRONG! This urge is stronger than heroin. You pause before saying simply “Yeah, I’ve heard of them”… crisis averted. Good girl.

Holding back certain details is not lying. It’s being healthy. Some things really don’t matter in the present time. Relish in your current joy. It is over for a reason. Moving on is good.

Don’t let that black cloud follow you forever. Let the sun shine in. Expel the negativity forever and focus on the beating heart that loves you back right now. Maybe in the future have a conversation about it, but it probably isn’t even necessary.

Wipe that space in your mind clean, clear the clutter, and let your wings flutter. Live life in the moment. It’s a fantastic day to be alive.

Sometimes things happen, life happens, a kiss on the cheek turns to lust, turns to action, then a break of trust. How can you navigate heartache and bliss within yourself and every other person that your current person has ever slept with?

I am guilty of a disregard or lack in judgement, not caring about eventual consequences while in the moment. I didn’t make anyone want me. They acted first. They wanted me and I am solely to blame? I don’t think so. It takes two to tango sister.

Sure, I could have said something and put the nail in the coffin sooner, but thats not what I wanted. I knew it was going to be the eventual outcome, so I got deeper and deeper into deceit. Keeping out the details.

I lost a friend because I slept with her ex. Plain and simple. I never planned it and certainly didn’t mean to hurt anyone. It happened, I knew that as soon as it came to a head I would lose a friend over it. I just did my best while I was in her life and I hope everything else works out. I know she feels betrayed and thinks I’m a piece of moldy trash.

In reality I thank him for coming clean. I am glad to not be living with a secret, full disclosure is important to any relationship. Losing friends is a good time for emotional spring cleaning. I cannot and will not talk to either of them ever again. There is no coming back from this.

All of the anger and hate is focused on me because she is still in love with him. She can forgive him because she wants to claim him forever. That’s fine, he loves her too, they can be a beautiful entity forever. I never wanted to be in a relationship with anyone. It was just a fleeting moment.

It is not right to put it all on my shoulders, that says that he is just an object, thoughtless, incapable of fucking up. We cannot let people off the hook for the decisions they have made. He left her before he kissed me. Of course I am not innocent, I could have said no, but I didn’t. I am not entirely to blame either.

I am a deviant slut and he is an angel. I am to blame for everything. This is everything that feminism fights against. Relationships are not property! I do not claim to manage any of my partner’s sexuality. That is rape culture. I did not force anyone to want me. I did not put a magical spell on them or throw myself at them.

Blaming “the other woman” is toxic, competitive, and oppressive. We are pitted against each other to compete for a small crew of “good men”. Women get chastised and blamed even by other women. Shame the slut and cast her away like a used condom.

How can you hold claim over someone when you had someone else? You can’t “keep” every person that you have ever been with. I know the “bro” code is a thing, but I don’t truly understand because people are not objects. You do not own the person you are dating, especially after a break up. Relationships are a daily choice, a mutual trust, not an obligation. Things change.

Every action has a reaction. I have never pursued a person who was in a relationship, but someone who is single and willing and barking up my tree doesn’t come along every day. I have been single for a very long time, never really looking, just waiting to see what comes next in the adventure.

I have come to the conclusion that this city is too small (I mean this city as any city). This world is too small and everybody is somebody’s ex. I can’t change the past. I will live in the smite zone and must deal with the fact that someone I used to love feels that I am a succubus-swine-dirty-cunt-homewrecking-whore.

Alcohol and I don’t mix. I am second guessing my whole attraction to the party scene, I just don’t want to be a clouded disaster anymore. Also, and more importantly, it’s bad for my body.

Why do I have to be drunk to dance and meet people? I have more meaningful relationships that begin with chance meetings at art openings or while volunteering, nothing good has ever come out of the bar. It’s just a place to spend money and waste away. Pay to rot in the darkness while everyone is trying to get their dick sucked. Bumping around at last call to find someone just as drunk as them to bump uglies with.

Going out all the time is a game. You see the same people, spending their money, playing pool, throwing back beers and shots, looking more attractive to each other by the second.

When you are the only sober person in the group it is interesting. You can see the dark side of the depressant that is alcohol. People spiral out of control and act a fool. Barely able to walk or create sentences, bumbling, spilling, spending money, desperation, mindlessly grabbing for any shred of connection they can get. Nobody realizes how silly the whole thing is if everyone is drunk.

I have noticed a disturbing trend among my friends: everyone is fucking depressed. People are drinking to forget instead of to enjoy. To medicate instead of celebrate.

Like every other person with fading youth I have dabbled in alcoholism, been the girl who made all of the bad decisions. I have taken cabs home with strange men and women. I have woken up next to a person that I never remembered even meeting, let alone fucking.

Taking advantage of a drunk person is RAPE! What kind of feminist has such little self respect that the only way she can get some is by getting black out? You must respect yourself. The difference of good people who do bad things sometimes and bad people who do good things sometimes isn’t clear when you are inebriated.

For me being sober has a better chance of leading to ghosting – the art of sneaking out without saying goodbye. I know this can be bad, people may wonder “WTF happened to Cat?” A lot of times my friends get pissed, but most times people don’t even notice I am gone. Everyone is drunk and wrapped up in their own worlds, trying to get fucked or make a meaningful connection, pounding beers.

If I feel un-engaged I will bounce. I keep imagining how much nicer my bed full of kitties and books is than this dingy ass bar.

I have been inspired by a couple of my friends who have been reading books in the corner of the bar. This is a great upgrade from texting away. My bestie said that more people came and sat next to her when she was reading over texting or just drinking and staring off into the abyss. Being in your own head is more approachable. Being smart is attractive.

I find that my greatest sadness and isolation happens when I am in a full room of people, most of which I know and love, and I drink. Once I drink a wave of darkness comes over me. I am lonely in a way that is incomprehensible.

I often feel socially awkward when in a bar situation. I can’t hear enough to conversate. I really get pissed off by drunk men above all, the worst are the flaming bro douches. The ones with oozing testosterone and backwards hats, the ones who flex their muscles while drinking their Labatt Blue. I have no time for your bullshit. Reading a book in the well lit corner is better than getting your ass grabbed by scumbags any day.

I am not going to preach about any kind of lifestyle choices because I cannot rule you, I am only in charge of my own actions. I can understand why people go straightedge. Being focused and strong, making sure they are ready to fight for the revolution. Giving up drugs because your friends are dying, your little brothers and sisters are overdosing. Live because they died. Cops killing in the name of the racist war on drugs, quick money, and it all goes by in the blink of an eye.

Never judge anyone for not drinking or partaking in drugs. Respect every person’s right to choose. They will be the people you look too when you are messed up and need help at 4am.

How can I expect to have a real connection with someone that I consistently meet at 4am at a bar? He is always fucked up. Singing and dancing like a sprite, perfect to the sight, no idea how bright. So beautiful, but not cogniscant of what I am capable of. I will keep you warm and fed, I will hold you when you are sad, I will travel to the end of the world with you, holding hands against adversity. I want to be someone’s everything kind of love.

Yet I grasp for straws.

I hate that moment when someone decides they are not interested. Hot guy comes up and initiates conversation, it’s going well, we are both laughing, then all of a sudden “I need to get a drink.” He goes to the bar, gets his drink, and walks away like we were never talking.

LAME. I don’t want to monopolize someones time, but it’s kind of rude to walk away with no viable explanation. I’ts not like he owed me anything, but come on. He then started talking to a smaller, cuter girl. Typical.

People fight with their significant others only when they are both drinking. Some people only get the balls to communicate when they drink. Important things that should be discussed with a clear mind are haphazardly thrown on the table.

There is something so wrong about fuzzy conversation, basing your decisions on the clouded mind of a drunk. Like Kimya Dawson says: “Without 40 ounces of social skills I’m just an ass in the crack of humanity.” I am socially inept, downright scared to talk to people when I am out of my comfort zone. But to be fair, sometimes I isolate myself by going out in full makeup and costume after one of my shows. I would be afraid to talk to me, too.

As a bartender I was definitely a therapist. I did not like drinking while I worked for that reason. I know a lot of bartenders who think otherwise. It really got to me after awhile, seeing the effect it had on people made it not appealing. There is nothing sexy about drunk people.

Being a bartender is HARD! stressful work. People are basically on vacation and some treat you like a common slave. I can’t be fake nice for a tip anymore. I have a tip for you, don’t be a misogynist asshole and go fuck yourself. How’s that for a tip?

Do you really know someone if you only see them when they are all fucked up? IS that them? If someone is drunk more often than not does that define them? Are they just “a drunk” now? That’s sad.

I don’t want to think that. Sobriety provides clarity and focus, not hiding behind the false good feels. I don’t want to be an asshole anymore. People get mean when they drink and make excuses. “Oh I only smoke when I drink.” “Oh I only do coke when I drink.” “Oh I only beat my wife when I drink.” “Oh I only smash up my car and kill entire families when I drink.”

Moderation is everything, I know that, but sometimes you just gotta dry out and start over. I have never had a bad reaction with marijuana. Cocaine is not a social drug. People end up in the bathroom, then tweak out, nobody wants to share it because it’s so expensive. Weed is about community, a peace pipe, I am always happy to pass the joint. Alcohol is also a party substance that people are happy to share. Arriving with a case of beer can save the party.

Most are trying to fill a void with liquor and drugs. Alcohol is social fuel for the terminally awkward. Our generation is confused. Real honest connections are blurred.

It is lovely to be the one who can keep their shit together among an incapacitated crowd. The responsible one, the human that you look for when shit gets too weird. The party hero. Carrying around a solo cup full of water.

Clarity now, the fog has lifted and I can see your true colors. Now is the time to take chances, be weird without alcohol. An aggressive drunk girl can seem pathetic, but an aggressive sober girl is different.

People can be uncomfortable around sober folks, so don’t brag about being sober, drink your water and act a fool. The only one stopping you from having an amazing time is yourself.

Cheers,

Cat

Is hugging just plain weird? Hugs not drugs. Free hugs. Cheek to cheek bodies entangled. A pat, a brief squeeze, or a firm grip. There is something incredibly magical about the transfer of energy between two people. The touching of bodies in a warm embrace, a gesture of kindness and love.

But there can be a dark side to hugging. You can trigger all kinds of stuff by thinking you are just innocently hugging someone. It is no different than rape. The key is consent, making sure that the person you are about to hug wants to be hugged.

Personal space is always to be cherished and respected. You cannot assume anything about anyone, you don’t know if someone was abused or just doesn’t like to be touched.

Someone you normally hug may not want the hug this time. Do you ever have days where you just don’t feel like being social? There have been times I have felt obligated to hug someone because they wanted it. I wouldn’t just sleep with someone because I know they wanted it! Hugging should be no different.

I am calling myself out on being an offender of taking away other’s freedom with my free hugs. I have hugged someone and immediately regretted it. I have been a hug rapist. I have also been guilty of lingering too long, making the hug uncomfortable by accident.

If someone is pulling away let them. Do not be too aggressive or squeeze the life out of someone. Don’t force yourself onto anyone, ever.
 It really is a personal thing, so yea, I think it is weird to hug someone when you first meet them, even if you are being introduced by someone you both know and hug. A hug goodbye on a first meeting may be appropriate with proper consent of course. A hug hello can be amazing between say two people who haven’t seen each other in awhile. Running toward each other at the airport. The hug is obviously wanted by both parties, they yearn for it. When they finally collide in a rush of squeeze it is beautiful. This is the hug people dream about later.

Human contact is so important. We feed off of each other. A good hug with consent is like no other feeling in the world. You can literally feel the energy merge.

 

I feel the need to offer a hug to people I love when they are sad. Putting a sobbing human into yourself is intense, you take in all of their negative energy and try so hard to rub off your positivity into them. Comforting another human is a raw and pure basic instinct.

I find myself taking on a maternal role with some of my younger friends sometimes. I am fairly certain that I am never going to have children, so I don’t mind sharing my energy with others, hugging the world that wants to be hugged.

Children often are the victims of unwanted hugs. I remember being hugged by a lot of adults. It was confusing because I knew I was not supposed to talk to grown ups, you know stranger danger, be aware. Then I would meet family friends or whatever and they would go in for the hug immediately. Red flag bro! I don’t even know you! Why would you put a kid in that situation. It will cause a lifelong fear of intimacy.

A lot of people do not like hugs. Never assume someone wants it. Always ask, even if body language suggests otherwise. If they say no offer a handshake, fist bump, or a wave. Don’t ever just “Oh we are friends” and go for it, if you do that you are not a good friend.

The double cheek kiss is an odd greeting to me too. Nobody has time for a cheek full of someone else’s lipstick traces, but that’s for a different blog.

Just remember, consent, consent, consent! Oh, and I hate when people go in for the hug when I am just done performing and still topless. No bad touch. Be considerate and respectful to others at all times. “May I hug you?” See that’s easy!

“Nobody is superior, nobody is inferior, but nobody is equal either. People are simply unique, incomparable. You are you, I am I.” -Osho

I constantly have this deep seeded problem of not thinking I am in someone’s “league” or I am not their “type”. I can’t compare myself to people’s ex girlfriends or current obvious infatuations. But… she was thinner than me, bigger boobs, more covered in tattoos, shorter, less like a giant, perfect skin, more of this, less of that.

As a defense mechanism I don’t often allow myself fall for people because I know that I don’t have a “chance” and that’s so stupid. Especially if it’s someone I have known for a long time. I see their history, the people they often gravitate towards, they are nothing like me because they are unlike anyone but who they are. A lot of times people are attracted to those who share similar qualities as their selves.

I think to myself, why would she want me when her ex was so perfect? Well, she must have not been THAT perfect or they would still be together, right? You never know what kind of evil lurks inside someone who may be aesthetically good to look at.

I know that I am more than what I look like. How people are intimidated but I am timid. I am scared to open up my heart but not to take off my clothes. I will do more on the stage than I will in the bedroom due to insecurities of the flesh. I feel so awkward. I need to remind myself that everyone feels that way. Everyone is insecure, feels like they have something to cover up.

It’s also shitty for me to compare people to my exes, who are a varied group of humans. In theory I am attracted to tall men and a certain kind of woman. That is such bullshit, I’m calling myself out on it. How can I compare a man to a woman to someone who is trans or non-binary?

I would lie to say that someone’s looks do not play a part in it, but it is not everything. I love talent, people who are not afraid to let whatever their weirdness is out.

Everyone is so unique and special. I have to take the too shortness and too tallness, the too fatness and the not smart enoughness, the not right for me, not right now thoughts inside my brain and flush them down the toilet like a dead goldfish. These thoughts and insecurities are so foul and bad for the environment that they are like a toxic shock tampon clogging up the pipes.

That goldfish should have never been in a tiny bowl. It is not fair to trap beauty in a stagnant little space, on display, tap, tap, tapping on the glass. So beautiful yet so alone, knows nothing else.

“Would you rather be alone or with someone who makes you feel lonely?” – NYC Tinder Clown

Being by yourself is not lonely. I have felt alone in the arms of a lover because I cannot let go of my wall. I have felt alone in the arms of a lover because they built a wall so tall and strong that my love could not scale it. I have felt alone in the arms of a lover because there is no lover at all, never was, and I am swimming in the mote. I will not feel alone if I love the troll in the mote that is my home. I am a mud woman in search of her troll. Let’s writhe in our palace of filth!

My friend reminded me that people often overlook the things you think are a big deal. The hot cook where she works bent down and she was checking out his ass, his shirt came up in the back revealing a red patch of psoriasis, she noticed it but it did not make him any less appealing to her.

It’s like during a show when you think you fucked up a big move or moment, then everyone cheers anyways. They had no idea what your expectations of that performance were. You are the only one who knows anything was wrong.

All of the things you think are wrong about yourself are not a big deal to anybody else. Never compare yourself to what society wants you to look like. Even those perfect models are not happy in their skin.

 

Why do people seek out clones of themselves to date? Like it could only make sense if we “match”. I have been on dating sites nearly as long as I have been dating, what the fuck does that say?

As soon as the almighty internet came into place people started using it to have sex and find sexy things to look at. I wish to exist in a time without all of that, where people just meet and hang out and discover their attraction in person. It’s always so exciting and unexpected when you find yourself crushing on someone.

There is no guess in online dating. If the person is being honest, they have already told you their life story and ambitions and been put through a computer program with you to determine compatibility.

I have had my OK cupid profile for like eight years or something like that. My photos were all old, it hadn’t been updated, it still said “omnivore” and I am vegan. That is a big life change that the computer did not know about me.

It is interesting to see the things that haven’t changed. I still don’t want kids. I still have cats and like dogs. I am not still “bi-sexual” though, because I now realize that I never was, I am pansexual because I do not believe in the gender binary. Gender is fluid. Pansexual was not an option when I first set up the account and now it is. That’s an improvement, but still another sign of inaccuracy.

I still just take that experience as a realization that people are ever evolving. An online profile may have sort of represented that person in the moment that they made it, but things change. Minds change every moment. You have to chose to live in the now and realize when you have made a mistake.

No matter how sexy someone is, no matter how “great” their ass is, shit still comes out of it. Humans are all gross and weird, we all have pasts, we all have done things that we are ashamed of, we have all hurt and been hurt by others.

To compare my struggle to someone else’s doesn’t make sense, so why do I do it with my body? I am always so self conscious of my skin. I have psoriasis over most of my body. But its not really ruining my life, is it?

I still get paid to take my clothes off, I just don’t get down to bare skin. I keep my scaly legs and ass covered in fishnets. I get scared thinking that I will end up in bed with someone then in the morning they will see what the fishnets and ambient lighting have been hiding this whole time.

It’s true that you can’t compare humans, but the loves of my life currently are about 10 pounds and covered in fur. Cats > Humans. Nobody will love and cuddle me like my kitty babies. I need to just enjoy that, relish in the small things that are actually huge.

There is a blizzard of emotions within me. I am clouded by my own awareness. Not everything is about sex, but isn’t it natural to want sex? We all want to feel loved and desirable.

I am not an expert on anything, especially dating. I am experienced in heartbreak and general confusion. I have been broken up with, cheated on, made to feel less than I should.

I have felt alone in the arms of my “lover” because I knew they were waiting around for something better. Better is not thinner or less covered in scales, better is me loving myself more and realizing that all humans are flawed and perfect in their own right.

Hyperfast digital force blasting from all directions.. This reality is a twisted science fiction novel, it is a bad episode of Black Mirror, it is terrifying and exhilarating. I have a hard time thinking about anything other than impending doom. 1984 looms over us like a set of guidelines instead of a dystopian nightmare that it really is.

I was born in 1986, two years after doomsday. Imagine being born now? What will children born now get to see? Humanity is crumbling like a gingerbread house on Valentines’s Day.

I often think we are just a figment of some dark overactive imagination. I don’t know if it’s comforting or terrifying to think that we are so small and vast at the same time, all contained within a teardrop or fleeting moment. Big brother is watching, but I am an only child.

I am NOT the center of any universe and I am not going to be shut down. I am just a satellite revolving around a rock in space. Sex is on the backburner. I haven’t written about love in awhile because it hasn’t been a concern of mine.

I am sick of thinking about what other people are thinking about me. Does he like me? Does she think I’m sexy? Does he want me? Does she like “like” me? Or naw? I’m confused, I know I am worthy so why isn’t this easier? There is so much more.

I worry too often about what people think of me. I should spend less time dreaming about a mate and more time dreaming about the changes I need to spearhead immediately. Most of those changes reside within myself, I control my own destiny still right?

I am an artist. I am a catalyst. I am a psychedelic force to be reckoned with. I will not give up just yet. Put light on shaded issues, shed safety on the lonely, and make people feel loved with open arms, hearts, and kitchens.

Go on walks and say hello to everyone you see. Have random conversations with people, you never know who you will talk to. People are interesting and vast pools of knowledge, we need to learn from each other. It is like eating local honey, getting exposed to the native pollen of your people, the collection of ideas from your neighbors. It is happening all around you, be a bee, do not let yourself become extinct.

Nobody will protect you, certainly not the oppressive government. Nature is not safe, resist, do more than cut the plastic rings from pop cans. Do not endanger the species of the open hearted, the free spirited youth that lives in us all.

We are the colorful tag in the garbage dump. We are the spot of glitter in a dustpan. Sparkle. We must defy the ban on individuality that is keeping us on a blank slate, we must graffiti it with importance, messages of revolution and distinction. Rebellion is necessary, the thought police will not take me, not without a fight of mass proportions. Be dirty, be bold, stop for no one.

Art is not a lost dream. I met two different people today that had a dream of being in the arts before giving up and going into law. They were both staying in the hostel taking the NYS Bar exam, which of course is hard. If it wasn’t difficult they wouldn’t want it so bad.

So many people who stayed here are the ones who will change the world. One went to school in NYC- the same school that Woody Allen went to- to study film. He said it was just expensive and cut throat. The beauty he wanted to capture was clouded by the dark reality of the world. He gave up due to the competition and greed, then went into law where that just doesn’t exist, haha. Another girl was a theatre major and then switched to law when she didn’t see any money in the arts.

I knew there would be no money, but who needs that when you have passion and motivation? I am in the process of helping to organize a show for Women’s Month, and I have the chance to make sure it is Intersectional and all inclusive. This is revolution! Taking charge and make sure things are right.

Sometimes you just need a walk around the block. Breathe in the global warming induced indian summer. I feel so satisfied. Former cow a year now vegan. Former stage fright now fearless ONLY on the seduction of the stage, the lights amplify my rage. I will never dance in a cage.

I must sing, the cat on the outside of the bars salivating for the soft sweet feast. Gently weeps the trapped Bird of paradise. Watching you trip so eloquently getting older, under the sea vagina fish. Why are you barking? Untamed growing beast trying to assert her dominance. A squeaky toy that has been de-squeaked. Torn to shreds a dead interlude, a break between bliss. Better than silence.

I can’t go to a Black Lives Matter rally and then go to a white supremacist’s birthday party. I want to enter radio station contests and go on internet dates. I am an island in a golden sea of polyamarous couples. I am a dumpster orange now in the back of a car filled with protest signs. I am now important fuel for the revolution. It will be fed.

Feast on waste. Alternative and creative sustainability. I love my furry family. I met a woman who was me in the future, she lived above a bong shop and dated men half her age. We agreed that most animals are better than people and androgyny is beautiful. Hey! Look! My cat did all the dishes! When was the last time your boyfriend did that?

Navigating holiday parties is tough for someone with poor impulse control such as myself. If I am told that I have three hours open bar I will take advantage of it. Three doubles and five shots later I am hugging a garbage can wondering where my beard is.

I wake up in my bed (thank god) with no bottoms, not even socks, and fully dressed on top, coat and all. Oh, there’s the beard, it was around my neck the whole time, right where it belongs. Is that lipstick or blood? God, I hope that’s red lipstick.

Nobody wants to be “that guy” at a holiday party. But that very guy is inside all of us just waiting for a few drops of alcohol to awaken his soul and activate party mode.

Drunk lesbian Santa is what makes Christmas beautiful. It’s not the children, it’s not the presents, it’s not the cheer or good will, it’s the wild and unabashed star on top of the tree that is the almost mythological drunk lesbian Santa.


I think about a lot of stuff around the holidays, missing my grandmothers, helping set up the tree. Just trying to hold it together when my family gets mad because I want to eat vegan, trying to be kind instead of combative. The holidays stress a lot of folks out. I try to deal with it by being numb and last minute.

I have not bought a single gift. Now I have like three days to shuffle around with all the last minute dads of the world to find those perfect morsels of gifts. Consumerism is crap, holidays are about celebrating and cherishing those you love right?

We have decided to throw a New Years Eve party this year instead of trying to deal with the let down of the bar scene. I want to get drunk and be safe, make sure all of my party people are safe too.

Here are 10 tips for throwing a kick ass holiday house party! Nobody wants to just be sitting around eating chips and dip listening to Bing Crosby. It’s also unrealistic to think that every house party is going to look like a scene from Animal House. You are in control of this party. The music, the food, the guests, the decorations, the venue, all of it.

  1. Invitees: The guest list is an important factor. Does everyone get along? Make sure to not be crazy like I am and accidentally get invite happy and spread your net too wide. Make sure you invite someone who can be a bouncer of sorts if things get out of control. Also invite someone who plans on being sober or mostly aware just in case there is a knock on the door from the cops or something else serious happens. Things can escalate very quickly, beware. Do you go with just the Facebook invite? Nah, invite some people in person, perhaps make a flyer or get some Lisa Frank Invitations and make people feel exclusive. Invite your neighbors so they don’t call the cops on you.
  2. Have Activities: Beer pong is always a winner, a deck of cards, or even some Cards Against Humanity. Nobody likes a boring party. These things should not be main attractions but rather backup plans. Make sure everyone is introduced. This way all of these friends of you and your roomies can come together and form new friendships. No babysitting of socially awkward friends.
  3. Hide All The Breakables: Turn your house into a kid friendly zone. Possibly cover everything in plastic like you are about to American Psycho the whole party. Put all the pets away, cats can easily escape when partygoers aren’t paying attention to the doors and dogs can be provoked by the drunks. Basically treat your animals like children, keep them safe and not afraid.
  4. Have Plenty of Room on the Dance Floor: Parties need stages. Each stage must have proper lighting for the goal. You need a dance floor (flashing lights, disco ball, fog machine optional), food and bar area well lit and accessible. And last but not least a stoner smoking den (very dimly lit) with lots of couch space and maybe some crazy triply cartoons playing in the background with no sound. Make sure the music is loud enough and on point, a mix of the classics and new cool stuff that fits the mood is necessary. Be mindful of changes in the crowd and feel of the party too so you can tweak the music to perfection. Everyone can be a DJ who has a laptop and some taste. KEEP THE MUSIC UPBEAT! Never ever let some depressing stuff pop in and be the Debbie Downer to your good vibes.
  5. No Zones: Block off all of the “no zones” so people aren’t trying to have sex in your roommates’ rooms. We are lucky that all of our bedrooms are upstairs so it is as easy as setting the bar up in front of the staircase.
    If that’s the party you are going for- orgy status that is- turn the whole place into a heart shaped mattress and make sure there are plenty of condoms around.
  6. Get a lot of Mixers: People will bring bottles of whiskey but forget the ginger ale. Equal opportunity drunk fest. BYOB means mostly bring your own booze, but with some exceptions. As a great host you should provide some libations. The more you have, consider having a donation jar or charging a small cover.
  7. Randos: Be careful of randos and underage drinking, this is very serious. If someone leaves your party and hurts someone or gets hurt, you are responsible too! Try to grab everyone’s keys, elect (and/or pay someone to be) a responsible key holder to call cabs for those who are too drunk to live but can’t spend the night. Perhaps the person who got the most fucked up at the last party and had to be babysat would be a great key holder.
  8. Food: Food selection should be diverse- something for everyone. Make sure the vegans are happy! I have gone to so many parties with just pizza and wings, the only vegan option being the celery and carrot platter, LAME.
  9. TP: Make sure you have plenty of toilet paper
  10. Clean Up: Prep for clean up. Set up trash receptacles and places to put recyclable empties to make clean up easier after the fact. Stock up breakfast food for the next day survivors (they will help you clean and you will feed them for it).

Nothing ever works out if you expect it to be perfect. Remember this is all supposed to be a fun celebration of love and debauchery. At the end of the day all of your rules and planning will go out the window, and that’s ok!

Finally, don’t be the most ratchet person at your party, everyone will remember.

Usually I know what I want as soon as I see it. With things it is easy, just buy or steal it. With people it’s different, there are things like consent and the need for mutual attraction to contend with. Being denied is one of the most terrifying things there is. It can feel overwhelming or embarrassing to put yourself out there, to make yourself vulnerable.

Wanting, yearning, waiting, waiting…. why wait when you can take? Why wait when life is so precious and short? The time is now, life cannot be wasted on waiting for things to happen to you. If you want someone, tell them! Obviously consent is the key, if you put it out there and they want it then you got the dream. If not you can move on, no more wasting time on yearning for someone who doesn’t feel the same.

Making the first move is all about reading the signs, a person’s body language says it all. How is the conversation? Light and upbeat is a good flow, don’t get too heavy and definitely don’t mention your ex or that you are on a quest for true love.

Are they making eye contact? Eye contact equals confidence. Is there any touch? Are they listening to you? There is no reason to go straight to number one, ease into things. While being slutty is fun, if you really like someone take it slow. Hugs, touching on the leg or shoulder, or anywhere else can be as erogenous as sex. Being flirty and direct on your intentions is a wonderful start to any new romance.

i want you

I have been in situations where I was attracted to someone for several years before making any kind of move. Even when I get shot down I take it in stride.

I have been told that I am intimidating. I need to stop thinking that people are out of my league, we are all on the same team, humans trying to touch each other’s butts. Yes or No, you like me back or I can finally move on.

That first kiss is something that you will never forget if you do it right. I remember my first First Kiss, I was 14 and innocent. I was walking with a group of friends and one of the guys told me I was beautiful, I responded with “It’s Dark” and then he kissed me. It was sloppy and fast, I have never been the same since.

I liked it, a lot. We made out in a basement that night. That much physical contact and teenage lustiness was astounding to me. I remember our tongues wrestling and me not knowing how to deal with the drool.

My favorite memories in life are those moments right before a first kiss. Things are going good, this beautiful human is here with me, they want this too, uncertainty melts away when they lean in or don’t run away when you advance. There is a surge of electricity, a sickness in your guts, you feel like there is about to be an explosion and your body will turn into rays of sunshine and music.

YES, THEY WANT IT! Your lips lock, tongues twist, licking, sucking, biting, nuzzling, smiling between breathes, as subtle waves of loveliness envelope your existence and justify all of the butterflies. Worth the wait, you linger. Wondering why it took so long, but happy that you waited for the perfect moment.

romanceFuck the concept of a perfect moment. I often wait for the stars to align, hoping that the right person will just appear, ready and willing, in my arms. It’s better to reach out and grab what you want, in the case of love bad things happen to those who wait.

I have sat by and watched too many people get “found” by someone else. I may have loved them for years, but due to my fears they never knew. If I could have just opened my mouth maybe they would have opened their hearts?

Instead they now “belong” to a new lover, which is a hard concept for me to wrap my fingers around. Love is not ownership, it is companionship, it is wanting to share adventures and help each other through tribulations.

I would never want to be in a relationship that stifled any part of my being. It is about celebrating each other and continuing to keep doing what it is that makes you wonderful.

Years pass, crushes come and go, you are still there, I am slow. I want to squeeze you tight. That girl kept talking, all I wanted her to do was start walking so I could “say goodnight.” Finally she left without a fight. I leaned into the car and onto those perfect lips. I wished it would have lasted longer, but it felt like pure magic. I was bursting from the seams, skipping down the street with joy. I did it! Now it’s all I can think of. I feel so scared that I want to run! I want to run my fingers down every inch of your perfect porcelain skin, put my face in the dark places of your loveliness.

I don’t know how to navigate relationships. I feel like a little kid chasing the ice cream truck and it never stops. The music taunting me, the dollar bill in my hand getting sweaty, pressed up against my handle bars.

I can’t expect anyone to make the first move, nobody can read my mind. Put yourself out there, don’t let fear ruin or consume you. If you like someone tell them! Tell them twice, tell them everyday. Treat every kiss like a first kiss.