I think I deserved last week’s punch in the face. I probably deserved all those bullies hurting me back in high school. I most likely deserved to never have been born. I’m not allowed to be flawed or confused or mistaken. I fall into traps easily and struggle, sometimes for years, to get out of them. Enough about me. I’m not really the one with the problem here, it’s everyone else…

Unfortunately I belong to the worst species that this planet has ever known, the most vile scourge ever to evolve on the face of this planet, which we’ve scarred and destroyed in a very slow and torturous manner.   We are the most greedy, paranoid, destructive and self-destructive, controlling and confused animals ever to walk the face of the earth.

Ok, it’s true that we’ve maybe done a few good things in the past, but for the most part we’re pretty bad. We drain the oil out of the ground and use it to pollute our atmospheres and our oceans. If we truly were created, then whomever or whatever created us created a monster. Even our constructive acts and creativity come through destroying something else. Changing the form of anything effectively destroys whatever said thing was to begin with.

Take for example a wooden door with a brass doorknob. In order to make the door, first we had to kill probably at least two trees. We had to first mine the copper and the zinc out from the earth, then pound and smelt them into the form, then melt and mold the doorknob out of them. Any burs must be trimmed off and smoothed away and usually don’t get properly recycled, a process which, while conserving resources, can sometimes be just as polluting as the initial processing process was.

The world of politics would also be a lot better off if not for populations of people. It probably wouldn’t exist as we might think of it, but can you imagine wars without armies?

The world economy would also be much better off without us greedy humans, who build it up only to decimate it. If money and trade had never been invented, because humanity never existed, the wealth of untapped resources on this planet would be incredible!

I deserved that punch in the face last week.

Of course, this isn’t how it came down. And maybe I’m being a little too specific about the whole concept of just humanity itself as the problem, as it would also make sense for gorillas, orangutans, baboons or cats to never have evolved, either.

Grapefruit shouldn’t have evolved either, along with all other genetically modified organisms. According to some of the creationists I’ve read about in analog magazine, this includes humankind which, according to a certain book called “Genesis” was created over the course of a day, as the whole of the universe took only a week to create. It took “humanity” which then consisted of two organically modified creatures, one genetically engineered using the DNA taken from the rib of   the other one, and one of the conspirators, a reptilian, taught the naïve and newly created second unit to consume fruit from a tree which should have been poisonous to the first unit, ultimately created for the purposes of enslavement and sale around the galaxy. -If you believe that sort of thing.

Instead, we’ve put a new island made out of plastic into the ocean, which keeps growing larger and more toxic to the entire planet by the hour. As it is written, “For a good time…” What- Who’s been tampering with my script again?!

Damned Humans!

Brainy smurfThis rant isn’t about revenge.

Some people can come across in an annoying fashion, in particular when they have certain erroneous beliefs for which they feel they must preach about ad nauseum, as though they are obsessed with whatever it is that they feel they are right about. In fact, they seem to obsessively preach and repeat themselves even to those who agree with them. It’s like they are fighting a war of opinion and attempting to beat the other party into deep submission.

For some reason vegans, evangelists and politicians tend to do this with a higher frequency than most. Maybe it’s the lack of protein to the brain, or the cravings to the contrary. Maybe it’s the annoying teenage girl inside trying to get attention. As the T-shirt says, “I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain only to become a vegan!” (or something to that effect)

Of course, I don’t actually have anything against people who keep a vegan diet, as long as it’s not the main/only thing they ever talk about.

I also have no problem if you are a politician or evangelist by trade, but if you are, can you please leave your work at work? You can give yourselves ulcers this way! It’s true that I tend to ignore the holier than thou attitude of the annoyingly didactic. Especially when I know they’re wrong. Sometimes it’s not worth arguing, especially for the sheer sake of argument.

Flawed hippie logic states that:

If you know they’re wrong, good on you, but they should not be informed if they are the argumentative type, as they will obsess and insist that they are right, but will not listen to what anyone else has to say about the subject.

By that same token, don’t annoy them with your own didactic nonsense. You may be right, but that’s no reason to beat someone over the head with it until all that’s left is a bloody pulp. It isn’t fair for anyone to have their heads ripped off with didactic bullshit simply because your day was difficult. If you do, then you’re no better than they are.

A few years ago I was heckled during a spoken-word performance for being “too loud” for some young girls who were having a loud conversation of their own while sitting directly in front of the speaker. I simply said: “Don’t try to henpeck the farmer!” and they got offended for my calling them hens, and I was swiftly kicked off the stage, and banned from the establishment, despite my name being on the bill and not theirs.

Another time I was kicked off the stage in mid-performance, simply because somebody’s friend showed up, and to add insult to injury, not only did they kick me off the stage so that they could perform, but they also insisted on using MY gear!   Some of these people also broke one of my pedals, and stole another one, damaged my guitar, mic-stand and my microphone, and then disappeared.

Restitution was never made.

I admit that I haven’t exactly had an easy life. I also admit that I’m naturally a squirmy whiner and complainer. That’s why they pay me the thin air to write the rants.

Why must there be so many evil, vile people out to ruin other innocent people’s hard work and the fruits of their labour? People who rob and then stab their victims, even though they’ve already stolen what they wanted? Or for that matter, those creepy, anti-social type people who sit in basements crafting computer viruses and malware, for the sole purpose of causing other people harm?

As some of you probably know, Forget the Box was hacked last week forcing us to temporarily take the site offline. (The hack has since been cleaned up & we extend a wealth of gratitude to Terry Cutler: The Ethical Hacker for his help cleaning our system. We apologise for any inconvenience and have taken steps to make the site more secure.) Overall for me this ordeal was quite disheartening. Forget the Box is one of the only successful ventures I’ve ever been involved with, and I’ve seen it begin to flourish and grow.

Forget The Box is one of the only good dreams of mine to have come true. Through the hard work and efforts of the whole team, as a media collective which we’ve done our best and worked tirelessly and often thanklessly to get this far.

Then someone decided to sabotage our collective dream!?

I admit it! I don’t know what a “l33t hx0r” is. I’m told that it’s a code for hackers. A hacker is someone who deliberately breaks into the code of a software program or website, for the purpose of creating and spreading computer viruses, spyware, malware, and adware.

A hacker is also the name of a bronze-age chopping tool used for butchering meat into more manageable sizes by cutting pieces off, usually at the joints. It was also used for torture. These computer hackers deserve to be hacked apart with one of these, a death that is slow and extremely painful, as the dismemberment begins with the digits and continues, joint by joint, until all the limbs are cut off. If the victim somehow survives, they will pretty much be a helpless vegetable for whatever is left of their miserable lives, which of course, will be very short and filled with pain.

The torture I just described was also popular among despotic kings from the early Bronze Age until about the renaissance, a period of roughly 4500 years. Of course, computers, as we know and love them today, didn’t exist back then, so hacking a website at that time would probably not have been possible. (More on that in a future rant.)

In other news, Prince William married Kate Middleton, in an overblown and over reported ceremony. I mean according to the news for the past month or so, the only things happening were the Canadian federal election, and the royal wedding, and who made the cake, and who was invited, and what a ‘Fascinator hat” is.   To me, this was a nice thing, but really didn’t merit even one tenth of the coverage it got.

Saturday night was the FTB FUN(d)raiser at Trios Minots, on St. Laurent in Downtown Montreal. A good time was had by all and we thank everyone for coming out to support us. Photos will be up soon 🙂

Today is Election Day in Canada. The polls close at 9:30PM, so if you haven’t already done so, GO VOTE. If you don’t know who to vote for, check out our election coverage!

Once upon a time there was an empty box.

Over time, the box became fuller and fuller, mostly with people’s mindsets.

People were either thinking inside of the box, or deliberately thinking outside the box.

The main trouble with either of those things was that it tended to polarize people’s thinking.

You were either in it or out of it.

The walls of the box were rules that must either be followed or broken,

and it must be either/or instead of simplicity.

I admit it, I’m very sloppy.

I’ve forgotten the box altogether.

I’m like that rogue cop who never bothered to read the book that his partner lives by.

I may be messy, or unorthodox, some of the time, and still, quite clean, neat, and very orthodox much of the rest of the time,

and I often intentionally blur the lines that make up the rules.

In fact, I never really saw this aforementioned box.

~Laurence Tenenbaum

I’d like to begin this one by wishing my grandmother, Zelda Tenenbaum a very happy 90th birthday!

Kittens don't make you responsible: Harper

Stephen Harper even sent in a form letter that was signed by a machine to tell her just that! Harper might not be the best choice for Prime Minister, but out of the current candidates he seems to be the only candidate with any real experience as an incumbent Prime Minister of Canada.

Of course, Harper hasn’t exactly done any better of a job at being Prime Minister than any of his predecessors. In fact, many of his predecessors did a far better job than him, but then if he was doing a good job of running the country, taxpayer’s money would not be going in to be blown on the fourth election in seven years. It could probably be put to use by building more jails and buying more ludicrously overpriced fighter planes that are available to him at a much lower cost.

In reality, longer sentences in prisons without appeals, along with deportations of many, not all of whom were foreign-born, have been on the rise. So has unemployment and the general crime rate across the country. This achieves and accomplishes the creation of only a few jobs, and an infrastructure that costs Canadian taxpayers a very large sum of money indeed. The Liberals are led by a seemingly power-hungry out of touch lout, as per usual, and I’m wondering whether NDP still stands for “No Damned Principals?”

For further erection coverage, consult your fly.

…And now, on with the rant…

It’s April, and with the melting snow comes all of the garbage, the stink, and especially the dog-excrement that lies like landmines just waiting for someone to step in. Cleaning up after a pet is responsible, and really should be backed up by law. If someone doesn’t clean up after their dog, they should then be forced to give up their dogs, followed by their own immediate execution. OK, maybe that’s going too far, but I think at least that if we made urban landmines actually explosive, like regular landmines, a lot more people would clean up after their dogs.

Now wouldn't that be nice!

Therefore, I propose a bill that would have dog food manufacturers put nitroglycerin and other explosives into the dog food, with some kind of time-release system where the owners of the dog could safely clean up after their dogs, but if left out for more than, say, an hour, they will then explode on contact, causing damages to the property, with dire consequences for dog owners who are irresponsible.

On the other hand, I realize that most dog owners are usually responsible, respectful, law-abiding citizens and those few irresponsible and ill-mannered dog owners simply give the rest of the dog-owning populace a very bad name. Therefore I believe that if anyone doesn’t clean up after even one infraction of their dog pooping on the sidewalk (clean it up with a pooper-scooper, and empty it into the nearest municipal trash can) and instead covers their dog’s excrement with the snow that is conveniently there because no trash can is readily available, then the excrement must be mailed to city hall by way of priority courier, destination: the mayor’s desk. Trash cans will pop up fast all over town shortly thereafter. If they don’t, then you must keep shipping your dog’s excrement to city hall until they do.

Really, though, irresponsible pet owners should not be permitted to own pets.

And if you would like to send any care packages to the Mayor his mailing address is:

Hôtel de ville
275, rue Notre-Dame Est
Montréal (Québec)
H2Y 1C6

* Photos by gerryporter.blogspot.com and thehydrant.wordpress.com

Admiral Tenenbaum

Good Day Everyone. I am Admiral Tenenbaum of Napoleon’s Army of Animals on Facebook, an international Role-Playing Game. This is
one of very few games on Facebook that doesn’t require any kind of application, only participation. It is a part of the great Napoleon Buonaparte’s army/navy. I started out as a Major General in the QFF (Quebec Feline Front) division, moved up to General, and when the
Navy of Animals began, I became Admiral of Supplies.

Rex Sunshine, of JC Sunshine fame, is an ensign in Napoleon’s army and a minor character who is usually arrogant and adversarial. He has been known to spy on the army on occasion and more often to spy for the army.

The Army of Animals is a game that was started by Napoleon Buonaparte when he noticed that many other people, like himself, were posting pictures of their pets as profile pictures. At one time Facebook began deleting a lot of profiles containing pictures of animals, and this was one very creative way of keeping everyone’s accounts active, or at least showing some solidarity between people who post photographs of their pets instead of photographs of themselves.

Ensign Rex Sunshine

The Army of Animals is also a place where one can either relax in the
bar or battle the enemies, including the forces of Nelson and Wellington,
as well as Facebook spies. This RPG now has over 4000 members from all around the world involved.

There are many great characters involved in Napoleon’s pet empire, and
you can find out about them by looking them up on Facebook, Twitter, or the general’s gift-shop page.

Napoleon Buonaparte himself (photo: Napoleon's Pet Empire, L.L.C. all rights reserved)

The general and his army are always on the lookout for new recruits. If you use a photo of your pet as your Facebook image, then you can join, and the official tailor will make you a uniform. The only recruitment rule is: No Humans Allowed (or spies). Of course you can use any photo you wish when not playing this game.

Come and join us on our next big adventure with all of the virtual hijinx and debaucheries we animals can muster on an online, anthropomorphic plain, or just join us in the bar for a drink.