Well, it’s that time again. Time to say farewell to all the failures of the old year and greet the promise of the new one with verve and gusto. To look back one year and reflect upon the resolutions we didn’t manage to achieve, and set forth into the next year with the drive to do better this time around.

I’ll admit it, I didn’t do too well with my promises for 2013. Maybe they were too ambitious. Maybe this year I should set my goals a little more realistically.

For example, one of my resolutions last year was to join a gym and go to it regularly. Well, I achieved half of that one. Joining the gym was easy. But who has time to go to they gym on a consistent basis? I sure don’t. I’m a busy man. I have a job and a social life and a lot of my time is devoted to keeping the forest around my village free of prowling wolves and imps.

I think it’s too easy to fall again and again into the stock resolutions like “lose weight,” or “quit smoking,” or “drink less potions.” You’re never going to be successful at bettering yourself unless you take a real, honest look at your own personal situation before you commit to anything.

I mean, it’s totally impractical for me to try to quit smoking right now. I’ve still got this jade spectre possessing my lungs; if I stopped smoking a hash of sycamore root and oleander, by this time next year my New Year’s resolution would be to not be a reanimated scion of the Dark Gnome Emperor, Gord.

It’s also important to prioritize your goals. If you overwhelm yourself by trying to conquer all of them at once, you’re bound to fail. Rather, take each one at a time and focus on the most crucial ones first. Everything falls apart if you don’t have a firm plan of action.

For example, I know I must defeat the terrible sorcerer Jeremy to free my father from the grip of his spell of Draining. But I can’t defeat Jeremy without first having my sword tempered with the mighty ore of Magmar, which I must obtain from the belly of the great fire-breathing salamander, James, who lives in the depths of the Cave of Woe. And to even get in to that cave, I need the Key of Sorrow, and getting a hold of that is another quest entirely.

So you see, it would be ridiculous and imprudent of me to just traipse into the terrible sorcerer Jeremy’s lair and try to slay him with a regular sword. It’s all about prioritizing. Like, don’t you think I want rescuing my beautiful Elfin bride, Stacy, from the clutches of Ted, Warrior King of the Mountains, to be at the top of my list?

But there’s, like, a thousand little side-resolutions I have to take care of before I even get access to the airship that will take me to the continent that Ted’s Skull Fortress is on. And even then I have to first defeat his Ravenous Hordes.

Anyway, my point is, don’t over-extend yourself. Most New Year’s resolutions fail within the first few months, because people try too hard to make them all happen at once. You’ve got a whole year to make sure you do this right. Don’t try to rush things and end up like so many other wayward travelers, wandering for eternity in the misty Swamps of Displaced Souls.

You have it in you to achieve whatever lofty goals you seek and conquer whatever twists and trials your adventure throws your way this year. The first goblin you slay on January 1st may not seem like much at the time, but when you’re heaving that final decimating sword slash upon the Undead Lord of Chaos next year at this time, freeing your land and people from centuries of darkness, you’ll look back on that runty little thing and realize that slipping your dagger between his gnarled ribs was the first step on a much larger journey.

Happy New Year, Hero. Your quest begins now. Please enter your name and press start.

 

Photo by arbyreed via Flickr

A new year always seems like a good time for a fresh start. But why does it seem that making New Year’s resolutions is almost as common as breaking them?

New Year’s resolutions have existed since the time of ancient Babylon when people would make promises to the gods about paying back debts and returning borrowed objects. The most common resolutions these days include quitting smoking, losing weight and exercising, getting out of debt and spending more time with friends and family. This year, Google created an interactive map at their 2012 Zeitgeist website charting New Year’s resolutions around the globe. With over half a million entries, more than a third focused on the desire to love or be loved.

I suppose it’s no coincidence for us Northern dwellers since New Year’s Day falls right in the midst of the bleakest, most depressing stretch of the year to be sleeping in a bed alone. Also, seeing happily coupled up friends and family at the holidays can sometimes remind the bachelor or bachelorette of just how lonely they are… though it usually tips the other way when seemingly inevitable bickering between couples takes over.

Before you go being too hard on yourself for skipping the gym for the fourth consecutive day of 2013, you should know that New Year’s resolutions are an uphill battle. According to a 2007 survey of more than 3,000 people, 88% of resolutions end in failure.

Perhaps they fail because, at the end of the day, quitting smoking and losing weight aren’t really that exciting – there’s no immediate payoff or reward. Maybe it’s time to rethink the resolution. Let’s make 2013 the lust, love and intimacy.

If you’re single, make 2013 the year of dating and getting to know new people. One of the best ways to accomplish this goal is through online dating. Honestly, I would have never thought it could work, but have been championing it after joining OkCupid last summer as a social experiment. I thought I’d be able to turn it into a really good article or two, maybe eat a free dinner or catch an interesting movie, but then wound up meeting someone truly wonderful and special. Most importantly, cultivate the traits in yourself similar to those of person you want to attract. If you set out to be a nurturing, kind person, the universe might just send you someone like that in return.

Make 2013 the year of new sex. Try positions you’ve never tried before. Book a romantic getaway for a sex-filled weekend under exotic sheets.  Explore a new fetish or kink that you’ve been hesitant to indulge.

Make 2013 the year of having more orgasms. Try giving yourself an orgasm everyday for a month, or see how many orgasms you can have in one day, and try to top it the next. Buy a new vibrator and show your partner exactly where you like it, or let them explore for themselves. Knowing your body is one of the most important aspects of having a fulfilling sex life.

If your New Year’s resolution is to watch more cute cat video, and really, admit it, we could all use a little more cat-related cuteness in our lives, this should quench your thirst quite nicely:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KD9qvF4z8cE&feature=youtu.be

I always find New Year’s Eve to be one of these holidays people use as an excuse to get plastered and make fools of themselves. On this particular night we can act as if our mistakes will be absolved, as the next day a new year will grant us a fresh start. As we have all survived yet another doomsday prediction, I expect this year will be even messier than usual. It’s easy to get your hopes up on NYE, so I find it best to try for a drama free night with great music and of course, a few great people.

This December 31st, I’ll be checking out the bash at the Society of Arts and Technology (SAT). The line up reads: Busy P, Vincent Lemieux, Vosper, Jealous Lovers, and Jocool & Liberty. SAT offers great programming, a cool venue (how often can you party in a dome) and an affordable evening ($20 in advance, $25 before 11pm, and $30 after). I am looking forward to welcoming 2013 with my loved ones and electro, frankly it’s the only way I’d want to bring in the New Year.

Here are also a few other last minute suggestions to ring in the new year:

Royal Phoenix is having a Royal Ball, DJ B’UGO (GAYBASH/HI-BUDGET/MTL), DJ TIZI (HOT SAUCE/CIRCUS, MTL) and HOSTS: SALLY AND TYLER (GAYBASH, DARLINGS, OCHO, MTL). 5788 St. Laurent, 15$ at the door.

TICKLE ME IL MO’ 2013: Il Motore’s New Years Bash. DJ NOAH BICK, DJ MITZ, DJ MARC, D J L A. They promise drink specials, dancing and kisses with strangers. AND it’s cheap! It’s a pay what you can night, so you don’t have to worry about NYE costing an arm & a leg. 179 Jean Talon w. $ pay what you can.

In 2013 We Trust, at Baillat Cardell & Fils in Little Italy will have some groovy electronic music care of DJs Mini, Mateo, Baya, Endless, Orbital NYE 2013 | CRNKN (LA) | OPEN BARMechanics and Alix in the Mix, visuals by Diagraf and Data Dada and an art installation Iregular. 420 Beaubien w, #201, $25/$30 at the door.

Le Belmont is having an Open Bar Party with DJ CRNKN (LA), SWAGTOP STEVE, SNAILS, and RYAN ORPHAN. 4483 St. Laurent, 50$

SnapShots x NEW YEARS EVE PARTY - OPEN BAR!Snap Shots is this year’s NYE party at Blue Dog, open bar from 9-11, free champagne and tequila shots and music by DJs Ledisko and Jay & Nedd provide and open bar until 11 p.m. 3958 St-Laurent, 10 p.m., $15/$20

La Banque Bouge is a loft party going on in La Petite Italie @ studio Playmind. It’s gonna be lots of fun with DJs Alexis Bowles (Monsieur Musique), Fabien Loszach, Alex Paré, Heidy Pinet (ForgetTheBox), and Matteo Grondini. 6751A Boul Saint-Laurent (entre St-Zotique et Dante), 18$ at the door.

If you’ve got more suggestions just leave ’em in the comments below!

Rosh Hashana is here again, so it’s time for Laurence Rants: Year in review.

This was one of the worst years of my life. It started with me losing my job shortly after the year began. After that, I then progressed into a downward spiral of growing debts and failing finances. I had a job briefly in telemarketing, but it didn’t last more than two days and paid me less than my employment insurance was paying me. It however screwed up my employment insurance and I was left high and dry for just over a month.

Once that was cleared up, I continued searching for work, but because the world economy is so bad, and because technology is replacing whole departments with single machines, and because of my ADD, I had a hellish time finding and keeping any work for more than a week, often without being paid in the end of it. This year ended for me in economic free-fall, from a very small amount in the bank.

This is after I had to change banks.

So here it is. The bottom of the barrel has dropped out. I’ve crashed and burned.

This was also a year of being sick for about a month or so, off and on, with various ailments.

However, as it is a new year, it is time for a new beginning. It is time to attempt to let go of the pains and the debts of the past and try to build myself back up, yet again!

I feel as though my life has not been the easiest one I could’ve had. I’m often afraid to take certain risks, I try to live the best way I can, and to be the best man I possibly can be, but then I’m always compared to other people who are vhastly more successful than me.

I must stop comparing myself to other people. I must improve and increase my skill-set to include and allow for the adaptations of new and existing technologies.

I must bolster myself up, and become that leader among men that everyone said I should become from the time I was small until my mid to late teens.

Having said this, and since this is a new year, with a new beginning, I will now begin to use a new format. My rants will now be shorter, and also they will now be mostly on video. Two weeks ago, I put up a test video, which had mixed responses. I promise that new videos will be more animated and angry than the first attempt, which really shouldn’t have been done the way I did it at that point. There will always be trolls and bullies out there, and the damage that has already been done long ago might show through.

I will also be revisiting some of my more favorite rants of the past in this new video format.

Of course there will be another year-in- review for the Gregorian calendar, 2011. when the time comes.

In closing I wish you all:

Chag Sameach, Gut Yor, Shana Tova Tikatevu.