This is how I will start my first erotic paperback novel:

Sucking a British guy’s cock with my finger exactly where he requested it, leaning him up against the old lesbian bar that I once performed in. Oh the irony.

Maybe it was when I was literally pissing on the steps of a church and wiping hot man magma off of my cheek that I realized this whole thing was happening.

He asked me what my sexuality was, I said bisexual and he called me greedy. What percent? I replied 60/40, but maybe that’s not accurate. I think I’m really right smack dab in the middle on the Kinsey scale.

We proceed to my favorite gay bar, one of a small few left in my city. Everyone knows my name and I get celebrity treatment on arrival. Bought him a round to be hospitable. Ran into a girl that once told me she would like to know what I sounded like when I came.

Don’t you wish you had a dick so you can have a tit wank? He says to her. Asshole.

Shots and double drinks galore.

I’m a bartender, I wear a Betsy Johnson bottle opener necklace that’s shaped like a key. When they ask me if it’s the key to my heart I say yes and open the bottle right between my boobs. The more you drink the better I look.

Weird to be that slutty American girl. I flirted instantly but thought nothing of his charm. He grabbed my phone and added himself to my social media. Which is ideal because I had already forgotten his name.

I noted the other people who were following him. All probably girls he has fucked. That’s his way to notch the bed post. Never in my life would I think a dude like this would be throwing himself at me. He was extremely forward, which was refreshing.

He showed me a photo of his beautiful girlfriend. I said she was a lot of forehead. What a dick.

I stopped at the blowjob. Maybe I should have ravaged him but my heart just wasn’t into it. My problem with these certain one night stands is the lack of passion. I require tingles in my guts. I’m worth all of it and will never settle or make a mistake when the timing isn’t right.

cat karaoke

I mean this man was a beautiful and charming asshole. Brazenly confident but still too much a pussy to sing karaoke.

He sort of mocked this one guy’s version of Bon Jovi, I didn’t respect that. It was very Simon Cowell. Someone is out there singing and bearing their soul. You don’t have the right to judge if you are too afraid to do it yourself. Yea the man sounded terrible but fuck it he was happy! We all were happy.

You can really tell if someone is worth your time if they are willing to put something out there and embrace embarrassing moments.

I love karaoke. I remember the first time I ever sang was Big Girls Don’t Cry at my dad’s work picnic. I used to go to Roxy’s karaoke and make out with my friend the whole time, we would always sing Sweet Dreams.

The only thing worse than Creed is someone singing Creed karaoke and trying to sound like the guy from Creed. The only thing worse than that is when they sing Nickleback and sound like the guy from Creed. I don’t know if I can stomach another Wagon Wheel cover either.

Fun fact KJ is what they call a karaoke DJ, that’s funny to me. Serious Karaoke people are a different breed man.

After karaoke I took him to the diviest dive bar in Buffalo.

Everything I wanted right? I’ve said no to so many one night stands and yes to a select few. He told me he was clean and told me about his world travels in his thick accent. I want to go to Greece and party. Video of his time as a fire breathing pool boy at a luxury hotel in Greece. Sounds magical. Meh.

My recent Sexcapades are few and far between. I made out with a traveling musician. He drank too much whiskey and I had to downright no means no him. It got weird. Another guy was laying it on thick, beautiful black man with well manicured natural dreadlocks. Still meh.

It’s hard for me to commit to even one night when my heart is not there. I am too passionate for my own good and know my worth. I feel like I need to branch out and do a lot more wandering.

Talking to this guy made me want to travel even more. The wander lust. The lust lust. Wanting to find dirty wonderfulness in someone else’s city. Go to some other city’s best worst dive bar. I want to sing karaoke in a new place. Wouldn’t that just be swell?

Some could say I’m impatient. I prefer phrasing it as not taking time for granted. That’s probably why I’m in marketing.

The reality is that life can get overhauled in a matter of minutes. I’ve learned this the hard way. Since then, I’ve developed an internal sense of urgency. It’s not as much about impulse as it is about seizing the moment. And how many minutes are there in a moment, you know?

I say: if you want two desserts, have two desserts. If you love someone, say it right away. If you miss them, tell them (I don’t care how long it’s been since you’ve spoken). Just do it. We should indulge in the moments that are meaningful to us, and indulge others in them as well. Life is short, folks. Even if it’s the longest thing you’ll ever fucking do.

In the past, I would evaluate my relationships based on their long-term appeal. A lot of people do. If you can envision the finish line, the marathon is worth running, correct?

We hear it all the time: Find Mr. Right. The guy who’s going to look good in a tux, who wants the same number of kids, who checks everything off your list.

I mean, it’s not entirely wrong to think this way. Don’t invest your time if you’re aware of it being a dead-end from the start. “I don’t like cats.” Check please!

It’s nice and all to look for Mr. Right. Thing is, the guy doesn’t exist.

We get so caught up drawing out what we want our futures to look like, and that’s too much pressure. Life moves pretty fast and it can pass you by. We’re so preoccupied with what’s to come later that we miss out on our now… on our Mr. Right Now, to be precise.

No. Mr. Right Now is not a cliché of questionable one night stands.
Mr. Right Now is the guy who accepts you as you stand today, not the tomorrow that hasn’t come yet.

Potential exists in almost everyone, with enough time and effort invested. It’s called emotional conditioning. We can all learn to care for someone, eventually. But being in love shouldn’t be an eventuality. It should feel extraordinary from the get-go. Sparks. No instructions needed.

I ask myself: Who is the future me?

I used to see myself loving a 9 to 5 job.
Two kids and a Cocker Spaniel.
Groceries on Sundays.
Married to an accountant.

Then, I saw myself jetting around the world.
Adopting my offspring.
Cutting my hair short.
Opening up a bakery as a retirement plan.

We’re constantly growing and evolving as people. And yet we expect to find a partner to fit a mold we haven’t even carved out? A bit unrealistic, isn’t it?

So let’s stop looking for Mr. Right. Let’s stop over-thinking things and skipping steps.

You have to have confidence in the person you are today and find someone who will appreciate you the same way. Look for the one who you can be yourself with, with all your flaws and figuring-outs. Look for the person who makes sense now, however little sense it can seem for the coming months or years. Just find a person you’re excited to share the current news of your life with. Or inside jokes. And zero judgments.

All in all, don’t just look for that “one” right. Look for Mr. All-Kinds-Of-Rights.

I know it feels reassuring to know exactly where you’ll land. But I’m kind of into discovering the journey as it unfolds now. Sure, you can’t confirm the end results this way, but I’m positive that you don’t look back on something you feel you did exactly the way you meant to do it and have regrets.

Whoever you decide to invest in, there’s always going to be a risk when gambling your time. But I think: what better odds to play than on Mr. Right Now? There’s no magic formula for a happy future, but there’s certainly no happy long-term without a happy short-term in the first place.

pure-mainpageI’ve often looked to my gay male friends and wished I could have the kind of wild and uninhibited sex lives they do. I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that, as a woman, it seems appealing to be able to use technology to find random hook ups. It used to be that you had put on a pretty dress and makeup, go to some bar that you don’t even like and get drunk first before the possibility of casual sex even arose. Thanks to the popularity of apps like Grindr, you don’t even have to leave your house anymore…at least not if you’re a gay men. Developers across many platforms have attempted to create the so-called Grindr for heterosexuals, but so far no single app has emerged as the dominant one.

For many women, while the fantasy of a hook app may be a salacious turn-on, the reality of it doesn’t quite hold that kind of appeal. Not only is there the losing battle against the stigma against the liberated women who just wants to have sex, there are numerous safety risks to be taken into consideration when getting together with strangers, especially strange men. Above all that, I imagine that the kind of man that is trolling an iPhone app for sex partners isn’t exactly the kind of man I want to have sex with. But then again that’s what I thought about online dating at first too).

Seeing as how men are already overrepresented on dating sites, as well as far more aggressive in their usage of these sites (up to 40% more like to send a message after viewing a profile), it’s easy to see where women are dissuaded. So what do women want from a potential online hook up experience? The New Yorker culled the few female-founded dating sites and apps for the answers: authenticity, privacy, control over the environment and easy access to a safe face-to-face meeting.

The latest foray into the so-called feminist friendly hook up app is Pure, whose founders deemed it as “the fastest way to find more frequent and diverse sex”. In their manifesto, the founders of the app state that “government, society, and religion have oppressed human sexuality in the past and continue to do so today. It’s time to make a radical change and give people back the freedom to enjoy a regular and diverse sex life. We are certain that gender, the type of sexual activity, or the number of participants in sexual relations should not be externally regulated.”

After specifying the gender sought and whether the user wishes to host or travel, local matches are delivered and confirmed with a simple “yes” or “no way”. One of the main focuses of the app is on temporarily, as all conversation history and photos are automatically deleted within an hour, leaving no pesky trace of the tawdry text or images to resurface at an inopportune moment in the future. And user feedback is mandatory to weed out so-called “Catfish” that post misleading pictures, lending further authenticity to the process.

Like many of its competitors, it sounds like a good idea in theory but it will be an obscenely difficult task to challenge the culture norms in a society where a woman is deemed a slut for engaging in the behaviors the app is trumpeting. Furthermore, for women to want to use the app, they’d have to get resign themselves to the fact that it’s not very appealing to be propositioned for casual sex from men they aren’t remotely interested in… unless this app is filled with completely drop-dead gorgeous, non-creepy men who are just looking for an honest connection before some casual fun (even as I type this sentence, I realize how ridiculous it truly sounds).

If meeting up with random strangers is still a bit too daunting, you might want to get your feet wet in the dating app scene by seeing which people you know might be thinking about you in a more than friendly way. Billing itself as “the anonymous, simple, fun way to find friends who are down for the night,” the popular Bang with Friends app is the best method of determining which of your friends would be, you know, Down to Bang, thereby avoiding any of those awkward rejection conversations and morning after regrets.

It boasts some big numbers – over 800,000 users without a single dollar spent on advertising. Of those users, nearly three-quarters were in the coveted 18-34 age bracket, and there were approximately 200,000 couples that actually agreed to meet in person after finding each with the app.

bwf-beforeandafterHowever, the controversial app only lasted 10 days in the Apple App Store before being banned for content, even under the abbreviated moniker “BWF”. Three months later, it finally returned with changes to its suggestive home screen and vernacular. The name of the app itself was shortened to a mere “Down” and the titular “Down to Bang” button was replaced with the demure “I’m Down”, as well as the less carnal “Down to Hang” buttons.

Local-based HookMeApp is attempting to make the same connections as the Bang with Friends app with their new foray into the online dating/meet-up scene.  With a philosophy revolving around the notion that successful relationships are usually facilitated by the people we already know, they offer a platform for Montreal singles to make connections with friends and friends. They are launching the beta version of the app this month, and have begun a blog featuring “Dating Misadventures”, because all of us in the dating world have so many of them, as well as a “Dreamboat of the Month”. This is a chance to play matchmakers for your friends who are funny, sweet, attractive and best of all, totally date-worthy. Furthermore, they are giving away free dinner & movie dates to 1 out of every 100 people who sign up.