Life as a shit show is exhausting but also incredibly exuberant and rewarding beyond belief! General fun, debauchery, and awe inspiring moves will make your life worth writing about.

Being a beautiful mess and delectable disaster is a full time job. People look to me for amusement and escape from the mundane. I am usually naked and fearless with my performances. The secret? Never stop, won’t stop.

My heart beats for the stage. Life has no rehearsal. I put my heart and soul into everything I do and I think that it shows.

I also really want the dreams of the people around me to come true too! It’s incredible to know that you had a hand in granting someone’s wish, whether it be big or small.

I am not the center of the universe, I am just a person like everyone else. But I conquer every scene along the way because I can.

This is my year! Say it! Travel. Spread those wings! I went to Washington DC for the Women’s March and ended up being featured in the Washington Post (and becoming an alt right meme lol), I went to Oakland for Burger Bugaloo and was in the San Franciso Chronicle, and my biggest feat was being featured in the style section of the New York Times floating on a flamingo raft in drag for Camp John Waters.

My goal was to meet him and leave an impression, and that I did. I literally covered myself in fake dog shit for that shit show! Best moments of my life. I may not have money, but I am a success!

Most weeks I have at least three burlesque shows (sometimes five) , plus work, and volunteering that makes things a bit crazy in my world. A lot of people ask me how I do it. Well, sometimes I just want to collapse into my bed hole and wrap my legs around my lover for days on end, vegan pizza delivery to my window please, warm fuzzy blankets, and a side of kitty cuddles will complete this fantasy. Please! Add the bong to the mix and I will never leave.

But, alas, I must. Rest is important when you can get it, especially in this life where every single moment is delicately scheduled.

I live out of piles of sparkling costumes. I can put together any costume to the T our of the contents of my disaster. I don’t understand how I can reach into the abyss and pull out exactly what I need every time. I am lucky, I am a winner.

My girlfriend laughs at me when I say “I AM A WINNER” out loud with a creepy face and then proceed to get exactly what I want every single time. I think it is the power of positivity. I know it’s mine. I am the master of my own destiny, nobody tells me no! If I have a dream I will achieve it, no questions.

My grandmother was always really lucky like that too. She would win a royal flush on one machine at the casino and then hit another jackpot on the machine next to it while waiting to get paid. I like to think that I inherited her luck. She was the kindest, sweetest women in the world. My life goal is to be just like her, to leave an impression that makes only good things come your way.

I would like to say that I have an endless amount of energy. Getting up early, making art, going to work, volunteering, and then having a show at midnight is a long day.

I wish I could say my secret to success is doing yoga everyday, juicing, and exercise. I don’t do any of those things. Since going vegan and being more aware of how much water I drink I have noticed a shift in my mood and energy gain.

I also decided that I will never do anything I don’t want to do ever again. I will not work for the MAN, I will only do things that make others stronger, I will only be what I love.

It is important to give your time to worthy recipients, life is too short to waste on bullshit. Make sure you are happy and your needs are met, take time to pamper yourself. Put the lotion on the skin. You are worth the time and effort.

My advice is to chill the fuck out, slow it down and stop worrying. Be a unicorn. Never act like a “grown up” but be responsible. Wear rainbows in the snow. Smile lots!

Love as hard as you can and be an open book, make it a comic book, and you are the hero. Fight for people who have less than you, never stop helping.

Being calm and smooth will give you an advantage over the other cogs. Be confident in your abilities and strong in your will. Always leave time for your bliss and remember to be spontaneous. They don’t know what you are going to do next.

Let each moment be a well orchestrated surprise. Drop jaws and panties.

I am a satisfied stoner who enjoys the creative explosion. I just know that I will get it all done and it will be perfect. If I cared about the deadlines I would be overwhelmed and my brain would become soup.

You have a strong shit show power inside of you. Believe in it, will things to happen, work hard, love freely, and everything else will fall into place. I know that everything I desire is attainable and I deserve it.

Being a shit show isn’t perfect, you will be late a lot, you will feel overextended most of the time, but you will change the world and yourself in the process. Don’t dream it, be it. Start this instant. GO!

Success is measured in many different ways by many different people. What some might consider being successful, others may view as trifling. It’s all a matter of setting goals and achieving them, and being content with how far you’ve come in your journey.

I’m standing in the kitchen of my one bedroom apartment, eating a can of Chef Boyardee ravioli, over the sink, right out of the can. And you know what? I’m feeling pretty successful right now. Oh sure, other people might scoff; there are people out there with houses and jobs and families, there are people who have prestigious awards on their shelves and diplomas on their walls from Ivy League institutions.

And I’m standing here, in a small apartment, in my underpants, eating canned food over a sink, thinking I’m successful. What could possibly be considered successful about that? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s not so much the destination, which I’ll admit falls a little short of a lot of other people’s achievements, but the road taken. I’ve had a lot to overcome in my life, a lot more than most people. So the fact that I’m here doing this right now is a testament to my sheer force of will and ability to overcome obstacles.

From the moment I was born, there were major obstructions in my path to any kind of success. I couldn’t walk or talk, I couldn’t even sit up. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I was often unable for several years of my life to go even a day without uncontrollably vomiting. Often onto other people. It doesn’t seem like such a minor accomplishment to be standing here, eating canned pasta over the sink, now does it? Or that so far I’m managing to do it without smearing the tomato sauce all over my face and head?

Do you think many CEOs of multimillion dollar companies had to go for years of their lives needing help just to burp properly after a meal? Let’s not kid ourselves. How many Pulitzer Prize-winning authors do you think had to struggle for years to learn even one language? I didn’t know how to speak any languages when I was born. It’s no easy task to try to work your way up the social ladder when you can’t express to someone that you’re terribly sorry, but you need to be excused for a moment without resorting to urgently shouting about how much poo is in your butt.

Now, I’m not trying to say that no one else has suffered setbacks or hardships, but to be besotted with so many from such an early age must be fairly unique to my experience. I know that many great minds have struggled with substance abuse and addiction, often for many years. I experienced this as well. Until I was forced to wean off it, I was nursing a breast milk habit that took root and didn’t let go from day one.

Think about that. From the day I was born until the last drop I drank a couple years later, I didn’t go one day without the stuff. Now talk to me about habitual substance use. And just because I quit, doesn’t mean the experience had no lasting effect on me. To this day I think about breasts several times in any given hour. How many successful men can you say that about?

The picture is starting to come together now, isn’t it? Standing at the sink in an apartment I rent myself, eating a can of Chef Boyardee. A man who once could not even get onto his own two feet under his own power, now maintaining that stance for minutes at a time; A man who once could not go for mere moments without supervision, now living alone in a sensible apartment. A man who was, at one time, unable to eat solid food, now feeding himself mid-priced brand name processed canned foods with a fork.

With all that information, my accomplishments seem a lot more remarkable now, don’t they? I thought so. And I’d really like to flesh out the background story even a little more for you, but I went poop in my pants from eating so much Chef Boyardee and now I have to go wash up and put myself down for a nap. The road goes ever on.

 

Photo by Johnny Scott