Thieves should be executed by torture…no exceptions!

Good day, ladies and gentlemen. I hope all is well and this holiday season finds you in good health and in good status. I know it seems like a strange title for a Christmastime rant and despite the way I feel about the holiday, I’m not going to be one of those douchebags who try to spoil everyone’s fun. That’s just not me.

Recently, I was at a party where my backpack was stolen, along with a few other items belonging to various people. The thieves probably thought there was a laptop computer or some other large ticket item in it. The most valuable thing in that backpack was the backpack itself. Stealing from someone at a party violated my good time and put an indelible tarnish on that whole experience. If there had been something as valuable as a computer in the bag, it’d certainly be equipped with a GPS in case of theft and would have been found very quickly.

Instead I was out around $140 for the backpack, the change of clothes, the grooming supplies and the bottle that was in it. The bottle was for the party I was attending and the backpack was because I needed SOMETHING to carry it in and sometimes I might have other things in it to take with me. Then I got sick and was stuck at home with the flu, when somebody decided to have his or her kitchen redone and paid for it using MY credit card. I don’t have the $4300 that was charged and I only found out about it when I got the bill in the mail.

Needless to say, I freaked out. I called the credit card company immediately and got through in a record hour and a half to somebody who barely spoke English, only enough to pass me off to someone who did. I complained that I had never heard of this renovation company before and that this charge was both obscene and unaffordable. If it turns out that I have to pay for this fraudulent error, I will be forced to commit unspeakable acts in order to pay it down. These acts would then require me to be treated accordingly, that is, tortured to death.

Naturally I contacted the RCMP Fraud squad, and was given a telephone number for the company who charged me. I called them and informed them about the situation and that an investigation was underway. The lady on the other end of the telephone seemed to understand and sympathize, saying that she didn’t blame me for calling in the fraud squad.

The bill for the credit card is due on the 25th of December. Merry Christmas. All I ever really got for Christmas was fired anyway. Of course, being Jewish, Christmas doesn’t have the same sentiment and appears as a giant wave of consumerist BS and is a truly capitalist holiday. Twice I’ve been let go on Erev – Rosh Hashana, which is equivalent to being fired on Christmas Eve, and my last job they waited until a week after because of the way they knew it would look if they fired me on the evening of the high holy-day.

So if you believe in Christmas, or follow those traditions, have a Happy, Healthy and safe one. Hopefully you won’t be in too much debt after. Hopefully somebody won’t have committed a fraudulent purchase of an extremely expensive item and use your credit card number to do it. May the next year be better than the last year for all of us. Amen.

Next week: 2010-in-review.

Photo: http://memegenerator.net/Antoine-Dodson/ImageMacro/2878390/We-gonna-find-you

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