Vagina Sweaters and Sex Toys: How to Function During a Sexual “Dry Spell”

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This winter I grew out my pubic hair and weaved it into a beautiful sweater to keep my ladybits nice and warm. I’m not talking about a merkin here either, which was the name of Victorian pubic wigs used by prostitutes, now by modern Burlesque performers, and actors doing nude scenes. My vagina has just straight up gone rogue in the barren wasteland. The cobwebs just weren’t doing the trick, and every time I spread my legs those pesky tumbleweeds would just roll on out. Even on a good day I do not have the smooth vagina of a twelve-year-old girl, but this is ridiculous. When you have gone far beyond the tasteful 90s bush, and on to a full out thigh beard, you know it has been a while since you last even harbored the possibility of getting laid.

Lack of sex can drive a person absolutely crazy. Sometimes it is easy to just revert to sleeping with an EX – but is that what you really want, EX-SEX? It’s not really a new notch in the bed post, just etching an old one. As long as you have waited long enough and both parties agree to an emotionless romp, it could be a decent option. All the passion with none of the commitment – sign me up! You know each other’s bodies well, and can just do the best part. But usually, I find it just ends in disaster and you remember in an instant why you are not with that person anymore. Just remember to wrap it up before doing the deed, and I don’t advise spending the night after.

Cat with a rubber fist dildo. That’s what they’re for, right?

 

There’s always the Internet. If you REALLY want to get laid, trolling internet sites and phone dating apps is a great way to find like-minded adults (and a wide array of creepers) to satisfy your urges. I have been on my fair share of OKCupid dates with not much success. Usually it’s an instant creepy dick pic, or the person doesn’t quite match up with their profile. But hey, you never know, some people have found success. Again, no glove, no love. Especially since you don’t know the person well.

I have always found the best way to meet someone is not to be looking for them at all. Just work on YOU! Do the things YOU love and are passionate about and the rest will work itself out. Getting out there and participating in all the glorious things life has to offer is what makes everything worthwhile. Get involved with community outreach, paint a mural, work on a community garden, go to poetry readings, check out music, hang out in coffeehouses, play kickball, join a gym, or just do anything that you love! The right person will be there doing the things that you love right with you. You just have to be patient. Patience is a virtue though, so godspeed.

If a warm body is not an option (don’t go for a cold one, necrophilia is gross and unhealthy my friend), throw on some porn and get a sex toy! I myself am not the biggest fan of artificial stimulation – I need everything that goes along with sex. The smells, the sounds, and the touch are really what make it for me. Plus I think that my vibrator is quite possibly the loudest thing on the planet. My roommates must hear it. Its easy to put headphones on to hide the porn moans, but that loud BUZZZZZZZZZ is hard to mask, no matter how many pillows used to muffle it is still pretty intense. Tip: the sex toys that use D batteries or plug into the wall are best used when nobody else is home (or you can always blame it on a loud heating system). I prefer dittling my own skittle manually, but that also takes practice.

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Vibrator ad from the New York Tribune, 1913.

 

Sex toys have been around for a very long time and were initially used by doctors in the Victorian era to cure female patients suffering from “hysteria,” One of the first vibrators was invented in France in 1734, it was called the “Tremoussoir.” Now we have the magic bullet, the Hitachi Magic wand, the Rabbit, Pocket Rockets, and the always frightening Rubber Fist. The options are endless, there are so many shapes, sizes, colors, and designs (ranging from kitschy to uber-realistic) that you will definitely find one that tickles your fancy. Sex toys are nothing to be ashamed of or shy about, many women throw sex toy parties. It’s fun and empowering to get together with the girls, drink wine, and talk about sex toys – much more discrete than going into a store and much more fun than shopping alone online.

Sex is fun, and orgasms are awesome, but it is not the most important thing in your life. If you let the pursuit of sex completely consume you it will lead to nothing but heartache and bad decisions. Be true to yourself and do not settle for anything less than you deserve. Do not let someone take advantage of your desperation (and in turn do not ever take advantage of another person). Just have fun and be safe, let life happen, and enjoy every encounter. Spending time with friends can be more amazing than devoting all of your time to dating and the pursuit of the almighty nookie. Consider this dry spell as an opportunity to focus your energy on what you really love to do with life. The world is your oyster.

Featured photo by Danielle Boris.

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