Weird Cuddle Arm Syndrome

I am always the big spoon, it doesn’t matter if the person is bigger than me or not, I just seem to fade into that position naturally. This is where the awkward arm comes into play. Most of the time big spoon is by choice, because I am physically bigger than the person, if I was the little spoon they would be my little sweet jet pack.

You know that feeling that you just want to chop your arm off because you can’t figure out where to put it while cuddling? The dead arm struggle is real. If you put it under their head blood flow is cut off and it goes numb, not to mention how uncomfortable it feels for your partner to have this giant jutting tree trunk of an arm arm under their neck.

No matter where you stick it the arm feels weird. You just want to drift off into snuggly heaven with your love and all you can do is think about the dead cold ARM. This causes distraction and movement. Disruption in the third degree. Then wait till one of you has to pee. Finally all is right in the world, you are drifted off to sleep with your love pulled in close, both comfortable, then it comes. The sensation that Niagara Falls is about to burst from your bladder through your crotch.

No matter how hard you try they won’t wake up gently. You throw them off of you in a fit of panic. Well I would have peed on you otherwise baby. Not in a sexy golden showers way either.

I am a sweaty betty, so cuddling with me is gonna get wet. I try to not stick their head right in my gloriously stinky armpit. I love being a sweaty swamp creature from the Black Lagoon with someone, smushing our weird wet, sexed, bodies together. Getting all slip and slide in the bed.

I know a man who kept dating a woman he didn’t even like for the remainder of a hot summer just because she had air conditioning. Cuddling is a crazy thing. Sleeping next to your partner is so intimate, it separates real relationships from one night stands who dip out in the night.

Even the best technique is still flawed, it must involve a fluffy pillow in-between arm and head meat. The arm takes longer to die, but it will happen eventually. Usually it gets numb as soon as your sweetie is out like an angel.

You feel like an asshole for moving it, but you don’t want to see the alternative. Sometimes I will try to just stick my arm out the back into outer space, but that also feels weird.

Were humans actually made to cuddle like this? I mean, sure, it is incredible to have physical intimacy beyond sex. There is no greater feeling than knowing someone wants to squish their naked body up against yours and fall asleep. To feel absolutely safe in someone’s arms is priceless. But why the forever awkward appendage?

There is a special pillow called the Armadillow with very mixed reviews that has a tunnel in it for the arm, but sadly since it is still rigid and you have to keep your arm in the 45 degree tunnel it still gets ouchie. I have imagined cutting a hole in my bed and sticking it in there too. I wonder if this would do it.

There is also a Cuddle-Mattress that is made with slats in it for better cuddling. The inventor unsuccessfully attempted to crowd source it.

Do I just stick it up in the air? There is no way it can stay under her like that. The pins! The needles! The pure non-sexy agony! I just will have to cut it off.

Should I just get a crazy interchangeable prosthetic where one day I have a chainsaw arm, then its dildo, then its a cake mixer, then its a claw or an OG hook? Wouldn’t I look incredible with a fucking hook? Yes, the answer is YES!

Just suck it up and deal with the dead arm and cuddle the shit out of the one(s) you adore. At the end of the day its not the worst problem to have because that means someone wants to hold you back. Nothing is perfect and together you will figure out where the arm goes.

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