What Your Porn Says About You

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There are two kinds of guys: guys who watch pornography and guys who say they don’t watch pornography. Or, more accurately put; guys who watch pornography, and guys who watch a lot of pornography. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, it’s perfectly natural. Or, at least as natural as getting off from watching multiple women fart on one chocolate cake at the same time can be.

But it’s important to realize that everybody’s porn habits are different, and there should be no judgement when it comes to someone else’s preferences. In fact, a quick scroll through a man’s sordid browser history can tell you a lot more about him than you might realize. Here’s a short guide to what your porno penchant says about you.

If you pretty much stick to the straight ahead, heterosexual, no-fetish-attached, boy parts in girl parts brand of porn, you’re a pretty common personality type. You’re the person who eats their toast with only low fat margarine, and sticks to one or lower on the spiciness scale when you go out for Thai.

Your girlfriend has cheated on you at least twice, and your friends only hang out with you because you have a car. But grudgingly, because it’s a Ford Focus. You work in a bank or an insurance agency, and you named your dog a person name, like Dennis or Sheila. You get indignant when the wait for a table at the Olive Garden is too long, and then go next door to wait just as long at Red Lobster.

Maybe your tastes are a little bolder than that. You know, you’re not a freak or anything, but you like to get a bit wild. Perhaps you enjoy some action with toys, or light fetishism like mild S&M or foot play. Well, if that’s the case, then congratulations, you’re a total scumbag. Yes, it’s true. You may not realize it, but you’re occupying the sleazy, sticky limbo between guys who watch vanilla porn to match their vanilla lifestyle, and guys who watch bizarre extreme porn in a direct reaction to their vanilla lifestyle.

You’ve bought an El Camino through Kijiji. You consider tequila a sipping drink. You own multiple cats, and they’re all named after well-known literary heroines, though the only book you’ve ever read all the way through is Catcher In the Rye. Eight times. You trim your moustache to specific measurements. You vehemently defend your tattoo sleeves when no one’s said anything about them. Your vinyl collection is organized according to mood. You claim to have a deep appreciation for the films of Stanley Kubrick, but have only ever seen the ones with nudity in them. You play bass guitar.

If you’re mainly into gay porn, you’re most likely a gay dude, and you’re not ashamed of who you are. Or maybe you’ve watched a little because you’re writing an article about pornography, and you needed to do a bit of research. It doesn’t mean anything. So what? So you’ve done it a few times? Well, you’re just being thorough, right? You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, it’s nobody’s business anyway.

Look, just because your ex-roommate walked in on you five years ago and thought he caught you watching something, doesn’t mean he should’ve went around telling everybody. Besides, you totally just accidentally clicked on the wrong link. That’s what you keep telling everyone.

If anime porn or cosplay is your thing, you need to get a better grip on things than you think you have. You live in a relative’s basement and work part time at a grocery store, but only until you get your dream job at the comic shop. You wear cargo shorts more than three hundred days of the year, and you’ve been hosting a self-produced, twice-per-week podcast since 2011 that’s up to 19 subscribers now.

What you’re most proud of in life are your internet rants, and you’ve alienated every woman you’ve ever gotten slightly close with by projecting onto her an unrealistic ideal that you’ve composited from the love interest in every superhero movie you’ve got entirely committed to memory. You non-ironically use the term “friend zone.”

Now, if you’re all about the big butt porn, then I’ve only got one thing to say about that; stay the course, friend, you know what’s up! High five!

Speaking of which… uh, gotta go.

 

Photo by Rilind Hoxha via Flickr

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