Why I’m Not Voting for Stephen Harper

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Stephen Harper once released two-hundred thousand snakes into the city of Moncton. I mean, they weren’t poisonous snakes, and most of them just died the following winter, and actually they did do a lot to get rid of a mouse problem that was affecting a substantial portion of the city’s restaurants, but that’s not the point. Stephen Harper didn’t release two-hundred thousand snakes to help local businesses, Stephen Harper released two-hundred thousand snakes because he could.

You didn’t hear a lot about it in the media. In fact, it went largely unreported even in the city of Moncton itself. Which makes sense, I guess, because why would you need it to be reported to you that your city is overrun by snakes when you suddenly have thirty snakes in your bedroom or your sex gymnasium. It makes even more sense when you learn that one of the snakes was a boa constrictor and ate the reporter for the Moncton Free Press who was writing a story about the snakes.

Okay, that’s not really true. But the boa constrictor did eat the reporter’s Lhasa Apso. And that reporter is a raging alcoholic who can barely meet a deadline at the best of times, let alone when her dog is dead and there are snakes coming out of her kitchen sink. At least that’s what my friend who works for Canada Post and was stationed there for six weeks told me.

Anyway, the fact is that Stephen Harper released all these snakes. Just because it wasn’t reported on by any major or reputable news source doesn’t mean it’s not true. Also I saw a meme that some people posted on Facebook that said he did some bad stuff to all of Canada’s protected rivers and lakes. I can’t remember what it was exactly. Probably he peed in them, I guess.

And that’s pretty fucked, I tell you what. Stephen Harper, the man who is supposed to be running our country, is going around and peeing into 2.5 million rivers and lakes. That’s going to take a long time. And a lot of taxpayer dollars. That’s a lot of pee, no matter how much Sunny D you drink. And what’s next? Our pools? No sir, Mr. Harper, I say. I didn’t vote for you for you to go around peeing in the recreational facilities of hard working Canadians.

In fact, I didn’t vote for you at all. So how did you get this job, anyway? If I didn’t vote for you, and a bunch of people who post anti-Harper memes on social media didn’t vote for you, then who did? I mean, I’m a pretty popular guy, I know like twenty people. And they all say they didn’t vote for you. So where are all these votes coming from?

I guess friends of his must’ve voted for him. It’s a big popularity contest. Like how I didn’t get to be my high school graduating class’s valedictorian because Jacob had a bunch more friends than me. Also because I didn’t do real good with grades on account of I don’t do good English and I can’t math. And technically I didn’t actually graduate. And because of that one time Mr. McKay caught me selling cocaine.

It wasn’t even actually cocaine, Mr. McKay, it was just baking soda. But Jason and Shelly and Wade and all the other popular kids didn’t know that. We were sixteen, they had no frame of reference, they thought that’s what cocaine was. Way to blow a good thing I had going, McKay.

So, anyway, Harper unleashes this torrent of snakes upon the citizenry of Moncton, and wouldn’t you know it, he gets elected again. Mainly, I guess, because all of those snakes voted for him. Which isn’t surprising, because snakes are big oil advocates and notorious climate change deniers.

I guess my point is that the reign of Harper needs to end. And the only way to make that happen is to not vote for him in the upcoming election. If we all decide to vote for someone else this October we can put a stop to the rampant abuse of power that Mr. Harper has been bandying about as Chamberlain of Canada for over fifty years.

Realistically, though, none of us should even be voting at all, considering we were all stripped of that right after being arrested and charged for getting real drunk and pooping repeatedly over the course of five weeks onto Alan Thicke’s star on Canada’s Walk of Fame.

 

Photo by Seattleye via Flickr

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