Look, I’ve had a lot of sex in my life. More than you have. With several women. I know it’s not a contest, but there are a lot of guys out there who feel deep down that they should be doing better in that department.
Now, I don’t normally like to brag about my sexual conquests, but this is for the sake of education so I’ll permit myself to do a little. About the sex I’ve had. And how much of it I’ve had. Which is so much more than you. My dick has seen more wet action than Steven Seagal in Under Siege.
Anyway, the point of all this bragging is that I’ve had a lot of sex. And to have a lot of sex, you have to know where to find available ladies to have sex with. If you’re thinking, “oh, that’s easy, trendy bars and hip nightclubs,” then just shut up for a second and listen. Bars and nightclubs aren’t a good place to pick up women, they’re a good place to pick up VD. Forget them.
And forget the cute girl at work, or in your class, or who collects your garbage on garbage day, or who brings you your tuna salad sandwich at the deli and “totally gives you vibes, man.” She doesn’t. Forget all of them. And forget what it’s like to not be fuckin’ so many times a week that you develop serious posture problems and have to seek chiropractic care at great expense for the rest of your life.
I’ll let you in on a few of the secrets to my success. These are the places you’ll find the women you seek. You’ll be getting so many sexts your messages will read like your spam email folder. You’ll be greasin’ more breasts and thighs than KFC. Your bed will see more smokin’ bodies than Steven Seagal in Fire Down Below.
I’ve been around enough that I’ve got a foolproof list of places you can’t go wrong with. Where the babes are myriad as the stars in the night sky, you just need to have the right telescope, friend. Trust me on this one, I’ve had more rolls in the hay than John Deere. I’ve chased more tails than Sonic the Hedgehog. I’ve had so much sex that I could write an article on where to go to meet ladies to have sex with. Oh, right, that’s what I’m supposed to be doing.
Anyway, like I said, ditch the bar scene, that’s not a prime place to be if you want to get laid more times than an Islamic prayer rug. You’ve got to be more creative than that, you’ve got to think outside the box if you want to get inside the box. When you’re done reading this article you’ll know the tricks you’ll need to get the ladies’ legs to spread easier than Miracle Whip on a hot ham sandwich.
Now, look sharp. Because where you’re going to be going, the ladies want a well dressed man, and if you look the part, soon you’ll be all up in more salad than Newman’s Own. So get ready, because you’re about to be stuffin’ more guts than an Aberdeen butcher on Robbie Burns Day. You’re going to be seeing more holes in bodies than Steven Seagal in Exit Wounds.
Okay, so here it is. Prepare for your crash course. Once you learn what I have to tell you you’ll be waxing more booty than a pirate janitor. You’ll be riding more bareback than Earl Bascom. Drilling more mounds than a Texas oil magnate. Dropping more balls on mattresses than Simmons Beautyrest. Shaking more ovaries than an earthquake at an Oprah taping. Grabbing more handfuls of ass than Steven Seagal between takes on the set of any of his movies.
Okay, I lost my point. Anyway, I hope you learned something from this wisdom that you can use. Except, oh shit, I forgot to tell you literally anything.
Photo by Pliketi Plok via Flickr