Well, winter seems to be on its last legs, staggering back to its cave to sulk and lick its wounds, furiously masturbate to pictures of Antarctica (how the fuck am I supposed to know what winter does alone?), and summer movie season seems closer than ever.
So while we recuperate from that last, furious frost troll assault, lets take another look at the some of the trailers the internet’s recently regurgitated out for our enjoyment, because hot damn if some of them don’t look really decent this time around.
Neill Blomcamp’s feature debut, 2009’s District 9, set a fair number of pants on fire in the world of sci-fi movie nerds, and given that my pants were among them, it’s safe to say I’ve been jazzed for his next effort. And stocking up on burn cream.
Moving away from apartheid South Africa literally but maybe not metaphorically, the movie sees the rich and powerful live on Halo-I mean Elysium, a floating utopian space station while the rest of us still hang out down here on Earth, which by the looks of things has turned into one big South African slum. Matt Damon is…..some guy who wants to do…..something that involves strapping an exoskeleton that looks like something Professor Membrane would make out of Mekano and menacing Jodie Foster.
So basically it’s The Giver vs Iron Man, I can dig it.
The trailer is really a teaser in that it gives us tantalizing glimpses of the locales, characters, action set-pieces, etc, but very little of the actual plot, like who the hero is or why we should give a damn, but I’m still interested. Even if the trailer commits the cardinal sin of not having much screentime for District 9’s breakout star Sharlto Copley.
Also, it should be noted….some people can pull off the bald look. Matt Damon, evidently isn’t one of them.
Excitement Level: Is that gonna kill me?
The sequel to the 2010 comic of the same name seems to be following the same route as its predecessor, ie following the comic when it needs to but cutting out all the bit about superhero life actually being kind of hard and unglamorous and not very fun. Y’know. The crux of the whole book.
But even though it largely failed as an adaptation, the first one was still kinda fun and the sequels looks to be that, at least. A few years after the events of the first movie, Chloe Moretz’ Hit-Girl is training Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s Kick-Ass (who looks less like a highschooler than ever, though I guess being married to someone 20 years older will do that to you) to be less of a screaming pansy, while teaming up with some of the new costumed crimefighters who’ve sprung up recently, including Jim Carrey’s Colonel Stars and Stripes.
Of course, all this is threatened when Christopher Mintz-Plasse returns from the last film in his new supervillian identity, The Motherfucker. And GOD does he not look threatening. I mean…..it’s Christopher Mintz-Plasse for God’s sake. It’s McLovin! I get the sense the movie is at least aware of this, as the costumes he seems to be wearing are clearly designed to accentuate his looking like a complete tool, but if the movie ends up expecting us to take him seriously, I’m out.
Excitement Level: There’s a dog on your balls!
I may have given away that I’m something of a fan of Danish director Nicolas Winding-Refn in the past when I reviewed one or two of his movies, and after all the anticipation surrounding his new flick starring Ryan Gosling, the trailer doesn’t so much live up to expectations as it does give my soul a raging boner.
In the words of the director, “Only God forgives is about a police lieutenant in Thailand who believes he’s God, and an American who’s looking for a religion to believe in. And he’s a Gangster”. Which should get you interested all on its own, but he neglects to mention that the movie also has lots of Thai boxing, red lighting, and a dude getting his hands nailed to a chair.
The trailer is also rife with Refn’s usual black humor, setting scenes of violence and mayhem against what sounds like a Thai lullaby, and having headliner Ryan Gosling’s only line of dialogue in the whole thing be “Wanna fight?” delivered with all the emotion of an autistic brick. So yeah, it’s pretty rockin.
Excitement Level: Yes, yes I do wanna fight.
I’ve probably made it clear at some point that I’m of the opinions that remakes in general can go get hit by a bus. I mean sure, we occasionally get a good one like The Thing, but more often than not its one of those godawful horror movie remakes by Platinum Fucking Dunes.
But in defiance of expectations, the remake of Carrie actually looks pretty decent. This may be owing to the talent behind it, with Chloe Moretz as Carrie, Julianne Moore as the crazy mother and Boys Don’t Cry director Kimberly Pierce at the helm.
It also takes the entirely correct step of NOT acting like we don’t ALL fucking no what happens at the end and actually giving us glimpses of the prom scene or the bucket of blood falling to build anticipation rather than just pretend we all forgot one of the most famous horror movies of all fucking time, so there’s at least some intelligence on display already. I’d say I’m the least excited for this one, but I’m still quite curious to see how it turns out.
Excitement Level: They’re all gonna laugh at you!